Chapter Thirty-Three
Brock
I’m on my bed, leaning against the wall as I video chat with Zoey. As much as I love talking to her, I can’t seem to concentrate, and there’s only one reason for that.
My sister bends toward her phone screen. “Looks like you’re not even here. Brock?”
Snapping back in, I look at her. “What did you ask me?”
“I don’t even know. Been calling your name for like five minutes.”
My gaze drops to my bed. “Guess I’m distracted. Sorry.”
She sighs heavily. “Here I am, taking time away from my busy schedule to talk to my little bro and he doesn’t have time for me.” Her tone is light, so I know she’s kidding around. “But really, what’s wrong?”
“Everyone keeps asking me that. Mom and Dad are always checking in with me. I mean, I can’t blame them. I’ve been quiet and they’re worried.”
“Why have you been so quiet?”
I shrug.
“Girl problems?” she guesses.
I don’t say anything.
“Lexi problems?”
“Man,” I mutter. “It’s like you can read my mind.”
“Or I know when my little brother is thinking about the girl he likes.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m always thinking about her.”
Zoey smiles brightly. “Ooh.”
“But she’s with Finn.”
Her eyes go wide. “What do you mean she’s with Finn? Like, at his house or something?”
My shoulders slump forward. “No. With him. As in, they’re together. Dating or whatever.”
She just stares at me. “Wait a second. Lexi and Finn?” She narrows her eyes as she thinks. “I don’t see it.”
That’s what the guys said, but we’ve kind of gotten used to seeing them together the past few days. Well, I haven’t really gotten used to it, but I don’t want to be a selfish jerk.
“Does she like him?” Zoey asks.
“Well, yeah. She smiles at him with that sweet smile and they’re always laughing together.”
Her face fills with sympathy. “Oh, Brock. I’m sorry.”
I want to shrug, but my shoulders don’t move. “No, it’s fine. He’s good to her. She’s happy.”
“It’s great that she’s happy.”
I nod, my throat getting tight. “I’m not going to lie. It’s been hard seeing them together, but I can’t think about myself. She needs to do what’s best for her.”
Zoey tilts her head to the side as she thinks. “Of course, but something doesn’t feel right. You and Lexi are in the stars.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “Don’t say things like that, Zo. You’re making me feel worse than I already do.”
“Sorry,” she says softly. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I wish I knew what to say. You want to be her friend, but it pains you to see her and Finn together.”
Opening my eyes, I nod again. “I love hanging out with her, but now I can only do that when I’m with the guys. I’d never get in the way of her and Finn.”
“Yeah.” She sighs. “This is a tough one. I wish I could hug you.”
“I would actually really appreciate a hug right now.”
“Sending virtual hugs right now.” She grins. “And a kiss on the cheek.”
I laugh. “Both are welcome.”
“Look at you, being all mature. You hate when I kiss your cheek.”
“Yeah, but I guess I need it now.”
“Sending more hugs and kisses.”
I smile. “Thanks. And thanks for listening to me.”
She dips her head. “It’s what older sisters are for. So how do you feel about…?”
I don’t hear the rest of her question because there’s a knock on my door. “One sec, Zo. Someone’s knocking.” I make my way to the door and open it.
My heart freezes when I find Lexi standing there.
She looks at me and I look at her.
“Brock?” Zoey asks from my phone. I’m still holding it in my hand. “Who is it?”
Lexi peers at my phone. “Is that Zoey?”
I blink. “Yeah.” I face the screen to her.
Smiling, Lexi waves. “Hi, Zoey. How’s college?”
She and Zoey chat for a bit, but I find myself not able to remove my eyes from Lexi. She’s here. In my room. Why is she here? Where’s Finn? They told me and the guys they were going to Mikey’s tonight.
“I can’t imagine being so far from home,” Lexi is saying to my sister. “It seems so scary.”
Zoey nods. “Yeah, it’s scary in the beginning, but you get used to it.” She glances from me to Lexi. “I should go and let you kids chat. Talk to you soon.”
I wave while Lexi says, “Bye, Zoey.”
“Hugs and kisses to you both.” She waves, then ends the call.
Lexi and I are left standing here in silence. I squeeze my phone because I don’t know what else to do. Lexi plays with her curls.
A few seconds of silence pass.
“She seems so happy,” Lexi says with a smile. “Like she’s living her life.”
“Yeah. I mean, we love our parents, but the freedom must be nice.”
She nods. “Totally. Uh…can we talk? I mean, that’s why I’m here. To talk.”
I search her eyes. “I thought you and Finn were going out.”
“We went out.”
“Oh.” I avert my gaze.
“But we cut the date short.”
I look at her. “Why? What happened?”
She reaches for my hand and slowly, so slowly like it’s taking a hundred years, locks her fingers through mine. Without uttering a word, she leads me to my bed, where we sit facing each other.
Still clutching my hand, she gives me a shy smile. “Finn and I broke up.”
“You did? I’m so sorry.”
I feel bad, but would I be a jerk to admit a part of me is relieved? No. I have no right
“Brock.” She takes both my hands. “We broke up because I wasn’t happy with him. Finn is my best friend, but that’s all he’ll ever be.”
I nod slowly, figuring she feels the same about me.
“He told me he spoke to you last week and told you that you were ruining my life,” she continues. “It really upset me that he spoke to you behind my back. But I’m also hurt that you didn’t talk to me about it.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“I know. That’s why you’re so sweet, but I’m a big girl and I can take care of myself. I…” She sighs. “I was really hurt when you pulled away. We’re best friends. I don’t want to lose you.”
I swallow. “I don’t want to lose you, either. But Finn is right. I did ruin your life. You were doing better and I returned and messed everything up.”
“No, that’s not true. Maybe I was doing better, but I never stopped missing you.”
I glance away from her. “Finn thinks you’re obsessed with me. That you push my happiness before your own. I don’t want you to do that, Lexi. I want you to think of yourself first. Not me.”
She hesitates, pushing some hair behind her ear. “I’m not sure he’s wrong. I think I am obsessed with you. It hurts me when you’re unhappy.”
“It hurts me when you’re unhappy. And I want to do whatever I can to make sure you’re always happy.”
She smiles sadly. “So we’re both pushing each other before ourselves.”
I pull my hands from hers. “I’m sorry I ruined everything,” I whisper. “If I only could go back in time and change the past. I’d do anything not to hurt you.”
She sweeps my bangs out of my eyes. Everywhere she touches zaps me, but in a good way. I feel like it’s been a long time since we touched. “I wasn’t happy with him as more than a friend, but it’s different with you. You’re not just my friend, Brock. I like you. A lot. Really a lot. And it’s okay if you don’t like me back—”
I take her in my arms, holding her close to my chest. Can she feel my thumping heart? “I like you really a lot too, Lexi. You’re so special to me and…” I draw back to look into her eyes. “I’m pretty sure I’m obsessed with you, too.”
Her smile is sad again. “But is that a good thing? Are we obsessed with each other and want to make each other happy because of what happened four years ago? Like, are we overcompensating because we feel so guilty?”
I look away from her. “I…I don’t know.” I face her. “I do feel bad for what I did, but I also love being with you.”
She holds out her hand and I place mine inside. “I also love being with you. When I was with Finn, things were so off. I really tried with him, but I didn’t feel anything for him. Other than friendship. It was like we were forcing ourselves to have fun. But when we just hang out, it’s so much easier.”
I nod.
“But that’s not how it is with you,” she goes on. “I feel so comfortable around you. I can talk to you about the most boring thing, but I’ll never get bored. It’s just different with you.”
I shrug. “Maybe we have a good friend vibe.”
“I don’t think that’s what it is.” She looks into my eyes. “And I don’t think you think that’s what it is, either. There’s something between us, Brock. Something deep and profound. It’s always been there, but we were too young to notice it. But I see it now. Maybe that’s why I was so sad when you left and when you were ignoring me. Because I knew deep down that you and I belong together.”
I swallow again as tears prick my eyes. “I feel it, too. I’m really sorry for all the pain I caused you.”
“You know I forgive you.”
“Maybe we did have something deep. Maybe it’s still there. But we’ve been through too much. I have been through too much.”
She nods. “I know, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be happy.”
The tears are growing stronger and a few plop down my cheeks. “Do I? I ruined everything. I messed up your life.”
She takes both my hands, gazing into my eyes. “Of course you deserve to be happy, Brock.” She wipes my tears with her thumbs. “And you didn’t mess up my life.”
I pull away. “Finn told me you were willing to try with him, but I came back to Edenbury and destroyed everything.”
She shakes her head. “No. Even if you didn’t return, he and I wouldn’t have worked out. I don’t feel anything other than friendship for him. That has nothing to do with whether or not you’re in Edenbury.”
“Maybe you would have grown to like him. Maybe you would have been happy with him.”
“I’m sure I would have liked him and sure, I probably would have been happy with him. But I could never love him like that.”
Is she hinting that she could love me like that? I could definitely love her, but it’s too soon to be thinking those thoughts.
“Finn shouldn’t have said that to you,” Lexi says. “I know he hurt you. But he’s also right. We’re obsessed with each other. I think about you all the time, wondering how you’re doing, if you’re happy.”
“I think the same thoughts.”
“I know you do. You go out of your way to make sure I’m happy. But…”
“But what?”
She sighs. “I don’t know if it’s healthy for us to be this obsessed with each other. For four years I held onto the hope that you’d return. I wanted to see for myself that you were okay. I wanted us to be as close as we used to be.”
“Wanted?”
“I still do. I want that more than anything, but I think I need to take a break. To take a step back and figure out exactly what I want.”
I nod slowly as her words make sense in my head.
“What if we’re obsessed with each other because of our past?” she asks. “What if it’s clouding our judgment?”
“You think we like each other because of everything that happened? You think our guilt is pushing us together?”
She lifts her hands helplessly. “I don’t know. We’ve been through so much. Did you ever take a step back and determine what you want, Brock? Outside of me, I mean.”
I puff out my cheeks. “I just want to be myself again.”
She places her hand on mine. “You need to find yourself without me. And I need to figure out what I want without anyone telling me and without feeling like I owe anyone anything. I can’t push myself into a relationship with you because I want to make up for being apart for so long. I think…” She takes a deep breath. “I think a break would do us good. But I don’t mean we can’t be friends. You’ll always be my best friend.”
I smile as I lock my fingers through hers. “You’ll always be mine. No matter what happens between us.”
She rests her head on my chest. I wrap my arms around her.
“I’m really sorry for all this,” I tell her. “Feels like nothing I do could make up for all the pain I caused you.”
Shaking her head, she lifts it off my chest and looks into my eyes. “It’s okay, Brock. Really. I don’t want you to feel bad or guilty. I want us to move on from the past.”
I nod. “I’ll try.”
She stands. “I’d better go.” Bending forward, she presses a soft kiss on my cheek. “I’ll see you.”
Why does it feel like it’s a kiss goodbye to us?
“Do you want me to walk you home?” I offer.
“No, that’s okay. I want to be alone with my thoughts.”
“Okay. I’ll walk you out, then.”
We don’t say much to each other as we go down the stairs. Lexi bids goodbye to my parents before she and I walk out the front door.
She smiles sweetly, but there’s some uncertainty in there. Is she also worried we’ll never be the same again? That our close friendship is gone?
“Good night, Brock,” she says.
“Stay safe and sweet dreams.”
She closes her arms around my waist. I don’t want to let her go—and it seems like she doesn’t want to, either—but I have to. I need to give her the space she needs to figure out what she wants.
She waves with another smile before going down the stairs and walking off. I stare after her, wanting to call after her and tell her I’m willing to do anything—anything—for her. But I force myself not to.
When I return to my room, I find a few texts from Zoey, asking me how it went with Lexi. I’m not really in the mood to talk about it right now. I’ll text her later.
Dropping down on my bed, I stare at the ceiling. “Lexi,” I whisper, tears forming in my eyes. “Do whatever you need to do to be happy. Don’t think about me or my feelings. Put yourself first. Please put yourself first, Lexi.”
I know it’s silly to talk to her when she can’t hear me, but maybe my words will make their way to her somehow.