Chapter Thirty-Two
Lexi
I’m glad the guys know Finn and I are dating. I don’t like keeping secrets from them, especially a huge one like this. And I appreciate their encouragement so much. I was worried things would be weird, but they’re not.
It’s Friday morning, and I find myself waking up an hour early. I roll over to my other side and squeeze my eyes shut, hoping to get in the last hour of sleep. But I know it’s no use.
I was tossing and turning last night, too. There are just too many confusing thoughts and feelings overwhelming me.
Finn and I hung out a lot the last few days. Of course we had a good time—because we always have fun together—but my feelings still haven’t changed. Does that mean he and I are not right for each other?
Did I give him a real shot?
I don’t want to give up on him, though. A part of me still tries to convince myself that we can be right for each other. We just need…what, exactly? More time together? Is a person supposed to just give up when things don’t go the way she wants? Or should she fight for it? If it’s something I really, really want, I should never give up. The only question is—do I really want it?
I thought I would know how I felt by now, but clearly not. Yesterday, Finn asked me out to Mikey’s after school today, so hopefully I might have some clarity then. I hope.
Mom is preparing eggs when I come downstairs. She smiles when she sees me, “Good morning, sweetie. I feel like I haven’t seen you all week. You were out of the house practically every day.”
“Yeah, sorry,” I say as I lower myself at the table and reach for a glass of orange juice. “I hung out with Finn.”
Mom makes her way to the table with the eggs and sits down next to me. “Oh? I’ve noticed you’ve been spending a lot of time with Finn.”
“Yeah, I guess we’re, um, getting to know each other better.” I put some eggs on my plate.
Mom’s thoughtful as she sticks her fork into her eggs. “What about Brock?”
“We’re friends. Best friends.”
“I see.”
It’s obvious on Mom’s face that she’s surprised and confused. She knows how I feel about Brock. But she doesn’t want to pry.
Offering me a smile, she says, “I just want you to be happy.”
“Thanks. What about you? Did you bond with any other guys over pasta sauce?”
She chuckles. “No, I can’t say that I have.”
“So no date on the horizon?”
“Nothing in the foreseeable future.”
I try not to let the disappointment show. I really want my mom to meet someone amazing. “Aren’t there like tons of single teachers at the elementary school?”
Mom almost chokes on her coffee. “Lexi! I can’t have a relationship with a coworker.”
“Why not? Office romances are the best. Ooh, what about a single dad? Single dad romances are cool, too.”
Mom’s brow rises. “Since when are you into all that romance stuff?”
“I’m not,” I say with a nervous laugh. But I might have watched a romance movie or two over the last few days. I guess they reminded me of Brock, since he said he likes to be romantic. “Anyway, we’re talking about me and not you.”
Mom shakes her head. “You don’t have to worry about me, honey. I believe that if I’m meant to meet another guy, I’ll meet him at the right time. But I’m content with my life the way it is. I have amazing kids and a wonderful job. I couldn’t be happier.”
I get up from my chair to wrap my arms around her and kiss her cheek. “I know. But no one wants to be lonely.”
She rubs my hair. “I’ll be okay, Lexi. Everything will work out in the end.”
As I return to my seat, her last words spin around in my head. Everything will work out in the end. Does that always happen in life? Will I know if Finn is the right guy for me?
I finish my breakfast, wish Mom a good day, then make my way outside to sit on the steps. Finn asked me yesterday if I wanted to ride to school with him alone—he said he was sure the guys would understand, now that they know we’re together. But I told him I loved our morning tradition. Even though he and I are growing closer, I don’t want things to change too much. I still want the other guys in my life.
My ears perk up when I hear an engine in the distance. Sounds like a motorcycle. My heart nearly catapults out of my chest. Is that Brock?
Leaping off the stairs, I move closer to the street and stretch my neck to the direction of the sound. A few seconds later, I spot the bike zooming down my block. My heart gallops in my chest, gaining speed with every passing second. But it doesn’t slow down. And when it passes, I realize that the bike isn’t Brock’s—it doesn’t look like it at all.
Disappointment rains down on me, getting me super soaked. As I head back to the stairs, I shake my head and berate myself. What was I expecting? That Brock would swoop up to me on his bike and declare his undying love for me?
“Stupid,” I mutter before dropping down on a step and folding my arms over my chest.
I don’t have much time to hate myself because Finn pulls up before me a few minutes later. I get in the car and study the guys—as though I’m hoping the familiar face of Brock will be here. But of course he isn’t. Oh my gosh, what’s wrong with me?
“If you guys want to kiss, we won’t mind,” Gael says.
“As long as it’s not a make out session,” Theo adds with a chuckle.
My cheeks flame as I glance at Finn. He and I haven’t…we haven’t even come close to kissing. We’ve never even held hands. I’m trying to determine how he feels about it—does he want to kiss me? I can’t tell. But I can’t say I have a burning desire to kiss him.
Finn clears his throat and pulls away from the curb. He raises the volume of the music.
Thankfully, the rest of the guys keep most of the conversation going. And they don’t bring up Finn and me again.
When we get to school, Brock is already in English class, reading what looks like a mystery book. As the rest of the guys pile in, talking and laughing like usual, I just stand in the doorway watching Brock. He and I talk often enough, but nowhere like we did after he returned from Boston. I miss him so much. Does he miss me, too?
“Lexi, you coming?” Finn calls.
Brock’s eyes lift to mine. As soon as he sees me, his entire face lights up. As though just my very presence fills him with light.
“Lexi?” Finn calls again.
I blink and make my way to my desk.
***
Finn drops me off at my house before our date at Mikey’s so I can change into something pretty. Not too fancy because we’re just going to the diner, but something cute. I don’t want to spend too much time contemplating what to wear because I know it drives guys crazy, so I settle on a pretty green dress and matching shoes.
When I get back in the car, Finn smiles. “You look great.”
“Thanks.” Before I can stop myself, I lean forward and press my lips to Finn’s cheek. His skin is warm, but that’s all it is. I don’t feel any tingles or sparks. And I can’t tell if he feels anything, either. His cheeks do grow a little pink, though.
We’re quiet as he drives us to Mikey’s. Did I make things weird?
“Uh, we’re making such good progress in the ballet, right?” I say, then cringe. Ugh, why does it feel like I sometimes need to pull a conversation out of thin air?
Finn nods. “Yeah, it’s going great. My grandmother’s so excited about it. She can’t stop talking about it. I wish I had a bigger role.”
“She’s proud of you no matter what role you have. And every single part is important.”
“Yeah, I know. Thanks. What about you? Is anyone special coming?”
I shrug. “Just my family and brother and sister-in-law, plus all the Musketeers if they can make it. I kinda hinted to Sky to bring her boyfriend, but she once again pretended like he doesn’t exist.”
“Maybe he doesn’t.”
I gasp and press my hand to my chest. “Are you trying to crush my dreams?”
He chuckles. “No. But it’s a possibility, right?”
I shake my head. “Is there any romantic bone in your body?”
“I hope so,” he mutters.
We reach Mikey’s and park and get out of the car. Once again, our hands are only a few inches apart as we head for the door. Before I can stop myself once again, I slide my hand into his. His hand jerks for a second, like he wasn’t expecting that, but then his fingers close over mine.
It feels like…I’m holding the hand of a very good friend. Nothing more than that. No chills or tingles or butterflies.
Mikey’s isn’t packed at all. I lead Finn to a booth in the back to have some privacy, and I immediately am hit with the memory of when Brock and I went to Mikey’s a few weeks ago. My lips lift in a smile when I remember the look of elation on Brock’s face when he bit into a Mikey’s burger for the first time in four years.
“I think I want to be brave and taste the extra spicy fries again,” Finn says as he slides into the booth. “Remember we almost had to call 911 after I popped like ten of them in my mouth last time? Lexi?”
I blink and snap out of it. “What? Oh, yeah. You were so red in the face.” I slide into the seat across from him.
Macy comes over with her tablet. Finn does indeed order the extra spicy fries and a burger, and I order a burger and onion rings. We both also order milkshakes.
“So…” Finn says with a smile. “What’s up?”
“The ceiling.”
He makes a face before laughing.
“The sky,” I continue. “Space. And…whatever is after space.”
“What’s down?”
“Uh…I don’t know,” I admit. “Earth’s core?”
He laughs again.
We sit in silence.
He offers me a smile. I return it.
The door opens and a tall guy with dark bangs in his eyes walks in. I perk up in my seat, my blood racing through my body. But it’s not Brock.
“You okay?” Finn asks.
“Yeah…just waiting for my burger.”
“Me, too. The service here is usually okay. I guess I’m just really hungry.”
“Same.”
We talk about a few topics as we wait for our food to arrive, but they feel a little forced. Almost like we’re both trying to make this date go well. I bet if he and I were just hanging out as friends, we wouldn’t be trying to force out conversations. Things would just flow naturally.
It’s been over a week. Should he and I have clicked by now?
I’m super relieved when our food finally arrives.
“So let’s see if you can handle the heat,” I say, nodding to the fries.
He gulps as he gapes at them. “I think I made a mistake. Want to suffer with me?” He holds out the tray.
“You know Lexi West can never say no to a challenge. Let’s do it on the count of three.”
He nods and plucks out a fry. I take one, too.
“One,” I say.
“Two,” he says.
“Three!” we both say, then pop the fries into our mouths.
It doesn’t taste bad at all—actually, it’s delicious. This is supposed to be spicy—?
Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.
“Hot!” I gasp as I reach for my milkshake and suck up the liquid. Finn’s face is as red as a tomato as he gulps down his drink, too, splattering liquid everywhere.
“This was really a mistake!” he sputters, gulping down more liquid.
“You’re such a wuss.”
“You’re the wuss.”
I almost snort up my drink, which has us both laughing.
As I grab a napkin and wipe my face, it hits me—it finally hits me. I see it as plain as day. I think my brain and heart have been trying to tell this to me the last few days, or maybe since the beginning. I’m having fun with Finn as a friend. For these past few minutes, I forgot that he and I are supposed to be on a date. I forgot that we’re supposed to be getting closer and determining if we’re meant to be. For the first time since we decided to get together, I’m actually having real fun. The kind of fun I used to have with him all the time. And you know what? I love it. It feels right. I don’t want to have it any other way.
And the bigger truth I’ve been trying to deny myself this past week? There’s only one person who’s taken over my heart. One person I want to share my hopes and dreams with. One person I want to pour my heart out to. One person who gets me in a way no one else does. And whom I get, too.
One person who I strongly believe is my soulmate.
Finn’s laughter dies down when he realizes I’m not laughing anymore. “What is it?” he asks.
“This is wrong,” I say.
His brows dip. “Huh?”
I blink and shake my head. “Sorry. Finn, I don’t think this is working.”
“What?”
I gesture between us. “You and me. I’ve been trying so hard. Really, you have no idea how hard I’ve been trying to make it work. But it’s not working because it’s not right.”
His mouth moves, but no sound comes out. Then he says, “But we’re having a lot of fun together.”
“Of course we are. Because we’re best friends. But I don’t have deeper feelings than that. Think about it, Finn. We were just having so much fun a few seconds ago because we both let loose. It’s like we forgot for a second that we’re trying to be more than friends. It felt like old times again.”
He thinks about it for a few seconds. “Yeah, it did feel like old times,” he whispers.
I take his hand. “I didn’t want to admit it before, but I know deep down that it’s true. There’s only one person I have feelings for. I know you said you don’t think it’s healthy for me, but I can’t help the way I feel. I can’t force myself not to feel, or to have feelings for someone else. Finn…” I squeeze his hand. “I know you have feelings for me. I wish I felt the same way, but it’s not right to continue on like this if I don’t feel the way you want me to feel. It’s not fair to either of us.”
He slowly pulls his hand away from mine and takes a small bite of his burger, his brain seeming to run with thoughts. I brace myself for the pain that I know will engulf him, but he doesn’t seem to carry any pain at all. Actually, he almost looks relieved.
“You’re right,” he says.
My brows furrow. “I am?”
“I’ve known all this time that you don’t have feelings for me, but I pushed away the truth because I didn’t want to believe it. Because I hoped and dreamed for things to be different. But you’re right—you can’t force yourself to feel a certain way, or force someone to feel something they don’t.” He takes a deep breath and slowly releases it. “I know you have strong feelings for Brock. It’s so obvious. But I care a lot about you, Lexi. I guess I’ve grown very overprotective of you. But I shouldn’t have convinced you to give me a shot if you didn’t feel that way about me. And I shouldn’t have told Brock to let you go. I guess I just wanted to protect you. I didn’t want you to get hurt again, because you were so hurt after Brock left.”
“Wait a second.” I hold up my hand. “What do you mean you talked to Brock?”
He keeps his gaze on his burger. “I spoke to him last week and basically…” He sighs. “I basically told him that all he’s doing is hurting you. That he hurt you when he left for Boston and then continued hurting you when he ignored you. And when you finally started getting over all the pain, he dropped back in and turned everything upside down. But maybe that wasn’t the right thing to do.”
“Wait. You spoke to Brock about me behind my back? Who gave you the right to do that?”
His face holds nothing but guilt. “I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“I’m not a little kid, Finn. You can’t make those kinds of decisions for me. I’m the only one who can decide who’s right for me. You had no right.”
“I know. And I’m sorry. But you have to admit that you’re a little obsessed with him. Lexi, don’t get upset. You’ve been obsessed with Brock ever since he left for Boston. Your whole life revolved around him. All you did was hope that he would call or text you. The guys and I were worried you would never get over him. And when it finally looked like you did, he crashed back into your life. And the whole cycle repeated itself. You were obsessing over him again.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is, and you know it. Last week when I asked you if you wanted to try with me? Every other sentence that came out of your mouth was about Brock. I’m not trying to be a jerk here. You know that I love Brock. But I don’t think it’s healthy that he’s the center of your universe. And I’m not just saying that because I like you.”
I want to yell at him. Is this the reason why Brock has been so distanced? Because Finn basically told him that he was ruining my life? Who gave him the right to do that? Poor Brock. He must have been agonizing himself the last week, blaming himself for hurting me. He knows that he hurt me the past four years and he feels awful about it. I assured him that I was okay, that I understood. And I know he was thankful that I forgave him. He was hopeful we could fix what was broken between us. Then Finn shattered it all.
But I have to admit that there’s truth to Finn’s words. Brock has become the center of my life. My guilt over what I said the day of Andy’s death has haunted me for years, and maybe I felt like I needed to make it up to Brock. To somehow erase all the bad stuff that happened and replace them with good stuff. Fun moments together and sweet, encouraging words. Brock still might be the right one for me, but maybe there’s too much pain and baggage. Maybe it isn’t healthy for us to be together. How am I supposed to know what the right thing to do is?
Finn looks so guilty. I reach for his hand again and gently squeeze it. “I’m not mad at you, Finn. I understand you did it from a good place. You just wanted to make sure I was okay and to protect me. You’re a good guy with a good heart. But you shouldn’t have gone behind my back like that. You should have spoken to me first.”
“I tried,” he whispered.
“I know.” I squeeze his hand again. “And I’m thankful that you care about both Brock and me. But this is something I need to figure out on my own. It’s something Brock and I need to figure out on our own.”
With a swallow, he nods. “I’m really sorry, Lexi. I messed up big time.”
I give him a smile. “It’s okay. But this isn’t only about me. This is about you, too. I’m sorry I can’t reciprocate your feelings. I don’t want you to be hurt.”
He gives me a brave smile. “I’m okay. I just want you to be happy. I want Brock to be happy. If you guys can be happy together, I’m all for it.”
“You really feel that way?”
“I do,” he says, and his words sound purely genuine.
I get up from my chair and wrap my arms around him. “Thanks so much, Finn. I’m so glad I have a friend like you.”
“And I’m glad I have a friend like you. Are you going to tell Brock how you feel?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “I may have feelings for him, but you might be right. Maybe we can’t have a healthy relationship, no matter how much we want it. Well, assuming he wants it, too.”
He snorts. “The guy is crazy about you.”
A swarm of butterflies invades my stomach. “Maybe.” I shake my head. “I’m just so confused.”
Finn nods in understanding.
We’re both quiet. I lower myself in my seat, too many thoughts crowding my mind. I think my brain might explode.
“Do you want to go home?” he asks.
“I think…I think I need to talk to Brock.”
“Yeah, that might be a good idea.”
We ask Macy to pack our food away, including the fries, which Finn will give to his brother. Then we get in the car and he drives me to Brock’s house.