Chapter Thirty-Six
Brock
My thoughts are a jumbled mess as I drive to school on Monday. The weekend passed quickly with me thinking about Lexi a lot. But I also tried to busy myself with other things and tried to get used to her not being in my life all the time. Because she might decide she just wants to be friends with me. Which I’ll accept, no matter how much it’ll hurt.
I also took some time to think about what I want. My goal since I came back from Boston was to feel like my old self again, and I think I’m making good progress. But part of me feeling like myself again includes Lexi. It’s true that I might not be ready for a girlfriend, but I don’t feel that way about her. Because she wouldn’t just be a girlfriend—she’d be my world.
Shaking my head, I push those thoughts away. It’s not up to me. It’s up to her.
I reach the school building and park in the lot. Finn’s van isn’t here yet. After getting off my bike, I make my way into the building, heading to my locker. I’m a little nervous to see Lexi, but I’m also looking forward to it. Just seeing her smiling face makes the world a better place. Not just for me—for everyone.
It’s not long before the guys enter the building, chatting and laughing like usual. Lexi isn’t with them.
“Brock,” they greet and slap my hands. “What’s up?”
“Not much. Where’s Lexi?”
“She caught a ride with her mom,” Gael says. “She should be here soon.”
As they talk, my eyes drift over to Finn. He’s nodding and adding to the conversation, and I notice he doesn’t look as upset as I thought he would. I mean, obviously he’s hurt that they broke up, but it’s almost like he’s totally fine with it. Is he also pushing Lexi’s needs before his own?
His gaze meets mine and he gives me a smile. I return it, glad things aren’t weird between us.
“There she is!” Theo cheers as Lexi walks down the hallway toward us. She waves, wearing that bright smile that makes my insides twist in the best way possible.
“Hey, guys,” Lexi greets, her smile widening as she looks at each of us. When her eyes land on me, her mouth trembles a bit. Like she’s still unsure about us.
“So,” Cooper says as he hangs one arm around Lexi and the other around Finn, “did you lovebirds do anything special over the weekend? A romantic date?”
Lexi and Finn glance at each other, and then Finn pulls away. “Well actually,” Lexi says, “Finn and I broke up.”
At once, everyone gasps and demands answers.
Lexi shrugs. “We decided we’re better off as friends,” she explains.
Finn nods. “Yeah, we are.”
“Aw, but you guys were so cute together,” Cooper pouts. “Felt good that at least one of us snagged a girl.”
Finn shakes his head. “I’ll meet the right girl one day. All of us will.”
Coop’s shoulders slouch forward. “That’s what everyone keeps saying, so I’ve got to stay positive.” He straightens up. “But you guys are good, right? No weirdness?”
“None,” Lexi says. “Everything is back to normal.”
“Back to being best friends,” Finn adds.
“Cool,” Nate says. “Because things would be totally messed up if you guys felt weird around each other.”
I can feel Dean watching me, but I don’t want to look at him. I know he’s thinking I should fight for Lexi, but I’m not going to sway her thoughts. She needs to do what she thinks is right, not what she thinks I want.
She looks at me here and there, but it’s not like it used to be. Which is for the best because she needs to forget about me while she figures out what she needs.
“Anyone excited for the fall dance this Saturday?” Theo asks.
“Heck, yeah!” Gael cheers.
Since none of us have dates, we’re going as a group. I’m pretty excited for it, though I wish I were going with…
Never mind.
The bell rings and we head for Aunt Ally’s class. She doesn’t assign us another story to rewrite, just discusses the book we were required to read over the weekend.
During class, Lexi’s pen rolls off her desk. I bend down to pick it up at the same time she does and my hand closes over hers. She looks at me and I look at her, and it’s like time stands still as we gaze into each other’s eyes.
Then Lexi breaks her gaze, slips her hand from beneath mine, and sits up. I blink, averting my eyes.
Class ends and we separate to our next classes. Finn and Lexi talk to each other like nothing happened, like they’re back to how they were before. I’m really glad things have worked out between them and that Finn doesn’t hold a grudge against her or me. He’s a good guy and I hope he finds a girl who will love him, and they’ll make each other happy. I wish the same for the rest of the guys—and Lexi, too.
When it’s time for PE, I, along with Nate who shares this class with me, head to the gym. I’m not in the mood to be athletic, which is strange for me because I love sports.
Uncle Brayden blows his annoying whistle as he enters the gym, getting everyone’s attention. He announces that we’re playing dodgeball today. Some kids groan, some cheer.
The game begins, the ball being thrown all over the place. I get out right away and walk off to the side, my thoughts distracting me. It really isn’t healthy for me to always think about Lexi, but I don’t know what else to do. She means so much to me, she’s a huge part of my life. It’ll be hard to forget her if she decides to keep her distance from me for good. But if she decides to be friends…maybe my feelings for her would eventually disappear? Unlikely, but I can never know.
Round two of the game begins. The kids have gotten a bit aggressive now, or maybe they’re just into it. Uncle Brayden warns everyone not to get too excited as he makes sure no one is getting hurt.
I’m busy thinking about the book I’m reading so I won’t think about Lexi, when something shoots past me, nearly hitting my head. The ball slams into the wall.
“Brock.” Uncle Brayden is at my side within seconds. “You okay?” Placing his hands on my shoulders, he looks at my face, assessing me for damage.
“I’m fine. It didn’t touch me.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Can I sit the rest of the class out? I’m not really feeling it today.”
“All right.”
He walks away, reprimanding the kid who threw the ball.
I’m left alone with my thoughts as I watch the kids play. They’re not throwing strong balls anymore.
When class is over, I head to the exit with the rest of the kids, but Uncle Brayden calls for me to stay behind.
I walk back to him. “Yeah?”
He rests his hand on my arm. “Is everything okay? Your mom told me that you’ve been very quiet over the weekend. She’s worried about you. Your dad’s worried as well.”
I don’t know what to say, so I keep quiet. It’s not a secret that I’ve been distant. I tried to talk with my parents as much as I could, but I really just wanted to be left alone.
“Come, let’s go to my office and chat,” he says.
I lift a brow. “I have class.”
“I’ll write you a note.”
He leads me to his office, where we sit facing each other at his desk. Uncle Brayden leans forward, clasping his hands together. “So how’s it going?”
I shrug. “Fine.”
“Your parents wish you would talk to them, but I know it’s sometimes awkward to talk to your parents. Especially about girls, hmm?”
I gape at him. “Who said anything about girls?”
“That’s why you have me,” he says with a smile. “I’m an expert on love.”
I snort. “Lame, Uncle Brayden.”
He grins. “I did marry the girl of my dreams, have three amazing kids who also fell in love with the guys and girl of their dreams, and I have a beautiful granddaughter. I did pretty well, wouldn’t you say?”
“Sure, but what’s your point?”
“My point is you can talk to me. Come on, Brock. What’s up with you and Lexi?”
I sigh heavily, running my hands through my hair. “I don’t know. We like each other, but it might not be healthy for us to be together. Too much has happened between us.”
“Hmm.”
“I mean, I want to be with her. I really do. She makes me very happy. But she needs to step back and figure out what she wants. I don’t want her to be with me out of guilt or anything. I want her to be happy. And whatever she decides, I’ll be okay with it.”
Uncle Brayden places his hand over mine. “That’s a lot for kids your age to deal with.”
I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat. “I’m basically waiting for her to tell me what she decided.”
He nods slowly. “What about what you want?”
I shrug. “I was the one who hurt her. I shut her out for four years. I treated her like garbage. It doesn’t matter what I want.”
“But you apologized and you guys were getting friendly, right? It’s obvious Lexi forgives you.”
“Yeah, she told me more than once that she does. But how can I not feel guilty every time she’s around me? I hurt her so badly.”
“You can’t eat yourself up over this forever, Brock. You need to come to terms with what happened and move on.” He gets up and pats my back. “It’s important for Lexi to decide what she wants, but you also have to decide what you want. You want to be with her, right?”
I nod. “More than anything. But I don’t want her to be with me just because I want to be with her.”
“That’s true. The best you kids can do is take a break like you’re doing, and once you’re ready to talk, tell her how you feel. You both need to communicate and be honest with each other.”
I nod. “Whenever she’s ready, however long it takes. I just want to make sure she’s putting herself first.”
Uncle Brayden pats my back again. “I know this is hard, but hang in there.”
I sigh heavily. “I’ll try.”
“You’d better get to class. Unless there’s anything else you want to talk about?”
I shake my head. “I’m good. Thanks.”
He writes me a note and hands it to me. Before I leave, he encloses me in a strong hug. “Please don’t shut your parents out, all right? They love you and want what’s best for you.”
My insides prick with guilt. “I don’t mean to shut them out. I’m just so confused all the time. And I don’t want to worry them.”
He places his hands on my shoulders. “I get it. But they need to know if something is bothering you. They just want to help you.”
I nod. “Okay. Thanks for everything.”
“Of course.”
I go to my class and the day passes like usual. The guys, Lexi, and I eat lunch together. Things are kind of okay because we’re in a huge group. Lexi and I exchange a few words, but it’s mostly just in conversation with everyone else. I can’t help but wonder how she feels about us, but since she’s not bringing it up, I know she needs more time.
Later, when I’m home, I gather Mom and Dad on the living room couch and tell them about me and Lexi. How we’re taking a break and deciding what we want. They hug me and tell me everything will be okay. They believe that whatever is meant to happen will happen.
Tears flash in my eyes as I glance from Mom to Dad. “I keep telling myself that I’ll need to let her go if she decides she doesn’t want to be with me. But how can I do that? It’ll hurt so much.”
Mom hugs me from one side and Dad from the other. “Don’t think like that, Brock,” Mom says in a soft voice. “Don’t decide for her before she has a chance to think about what she wants. Don’t think the worst.”
“I’m just preparing myself, I guess.”
Dad squeezes me close. “Why torture yourself like this? Maybe she’ll decide she does want to be with you.”
More tears fill my eyes. “Because it’ll destroy me if she doesn’t.”
Mom and Dad hug me a lot, kissing my cheek and forehead. The truth is that they don’t know what to say because it’s all up to Lexi. No one can force her to choose me. It’s like I keep telling myself—she needs to do what’s best for her.
“You’ll be okay, Brocky,” Mom murmurs as she holds me close. “Everything will be okay.”
Dad squishes me, too.
I feel so loved and cared for that I don’t care that Mom’s calling me Brocky. I shouldn’t have shut them out. I know I don’t have to tell them everything, but I want them to be part of my life. I want to be close to them like we used to be.
They’ve been through something similar when they were my age and it turned out okay. Maybe they’re right and everything will turn out okay in the end for me, too.