49. I Know You #2
“I know, I know. You can’t hear.” She cut me off.
“But guess what? You actually can hear, because you just heard what I said. Good thing you have two of those things on your head, isn’t it?
” She looked at me for a moment, taking in my disheveled state.
“I’m not going to lie, I don’t mind the scruff.
” She scrunched her nose. “But when was the last time you showered?” I could only groan.
She turned and hauled the heavy grocery bags in her hands into the kitchen, and I followed her, hating how good she looked from behind. Hating how good her skin felt when I brushed my hand against hers, reaching for the grocery bags.
“Don’t.” She snapped, yanking back sharply. “You shouldn’t be lifting heavy things.” I reluctantly let go as she went right back to her cheery tone. “I’m not saying it doesn’t suck, but I am saying you’re alive and you still have one good ear. So we should try to be grateful for that.”
I really didn’t deserve her. Even after what I’d said… she was st ill here, still showing up for me. Why was this so fucking difficult? For both of us.
“Sara—you really shouldn’t be here.” I rubbed my thumb against my palm.
I didn’t doubt they were watching the building, tracking who came and went.
If I was going to keep her safe, I needed to keep her far away from me; otherwise, this whole charade was pointless.
“It’s—it’s over between us.” The words felt like ash in my mouth.
She crossed her arms and glared at me. “You said you wouldn’t let anybody hurt me ever again.” She quoted me, and I grimaced. “Not even yourself.”
“That’s what I’m doing.”
“Is it? Or are you pushing me away because you’re scared?
” She raised a brow. “I know that I can’t understand what you’ve been through.
” She started slowly. “And I know you’re upset about your hearing and your career, but I love you, Carter, and you love me.
” Her eyes softened. “You were there for me when I couldn’t reach back out and take the hand you were giving me, and now, that’s exactly what I’m doing for you.
Whatever you need, I’m here for you. We’ll get through this.
” Her mouth pulled into a sad smile. “Together.”
My heart sank—I was going to have to hurt her to make her leave. Fuck! Why couldn’t she just listen to me and walk away. Why couldn’t she just do what was best for her. Why’d she have to be such a goddamn angel. And why, for fuck’s sake why, couldn’t I just let her go.
I had to. For her safety. I had to. I’d never forgive myself if something happened to her because of me. I’d never been good enough for her, anyway. She deserved someone good and now I was all fucked up inside. Broken.
“What I need is for you to leave.” I steadied myself, reminding myself that she had to believe what I was saying, otherwise, this was pointless. “Thing is, Sara, I don’t want this anymore. Us.” I practically choked on the words as I watched them chip away at her resolve. Just barely .
I forced myself to keep going. “Every thing was different when this was long distance. It was just a nice idea.” I fucking deserved to go to hell.
“Now—you just don’t fit into my life anymore.
” I said cooly. There went another chip of her confidence and another shard of my heart.
“My career is over, and the only thing left for me to do is to pick up where my father left off, and that requires a certain lifestyle.”
She scoffed. “A certain lifestyle? What the hell is that even supposed to mean?”
“I can’t be tied down.” I hardened my face while I watched myself break her heart. “I need to keep my options open.” I didn’t even know what the hell kind of excuse that was.
“You’re trying to break up with me so you can fuck around?” She demanded. “Because what? It’s good for business?”
I was going to puke. “Yeah, I guess I am.” My head was pounding even harder, and I’d never hated myself more.
She waved down her body, and I swallowed hard.
“Go ahead—fuck around.” She demanded. “You’ve been so careful around me, wanting to take things slow.
” She seethed dramatically. “So, which is it? Do you love me so much you have to stay away, or do you not care at all and you can just fuck me?” She unzipped her jacket and threw it on the ground, revealing the most innocent amount of skin, and it was still far too much. “Which is it, Carter? Hmm?”
“Stop.” I breathed, gripping the marble countertop.
“Here’s an idea for you—if you’re going to throw me away, you might as well actually use me first.” She laughed humorlessly while my heart cleaved in half.
“Come on, fuck-boy , let’s go!” She started to yank her hair out of her ponytail, but aggressively halted.
“Oh wait, I forgot. You like my hair up.” Her shirt was up over her head next, leaving her in a white, lacy, everyday bra that pushed her perfect tits up just right.
“Because I know things about you, Carter. Like when you’re bullshitting me, for instance.
” My heart thundered in my chest as she reached behind her back for her bra clasp .
I wasn’t strong enough for this. To deny her. Panic seized me. “Stop.” I demanded, slamming my fist down on the counter, freezing her in her tracks. “You’re not listening to me. I don’t want you here.” I bit out. “Why don’t you get that?”
She crossed the room, and my eyes shuddered as she rested her hands on my bare chest so gently and gazed up at me, pleading. “Why are you doing this, Carter?” Her voice was so small, hurt. “What changed?”
She was too damn close, smelled so sweet and soft—like home, but she was never going to be my home. That had been a pipe dream, and I was ignorant for ever pretending otherwise.
I gripped her wrists to keep from taking her face and kissing her. “You ever think there was a reason Liam told me to stay away from you?” I whispered. “ I’m no good for you. ”
“I can see through this.” She breathed all too knowingly. “What you’re doing.” She moved to pull away, but I couldn’t let go, and she stilled. “I just don’t know why you’re doing it.” She pleaded. “Just tell me why. Please.”
“I can’t commit.” I admitted, grasping at straws.
“I’ve never been able to. You know that about me.
” The truth was, nobody had been her—because I was terrified to lose anyone else I loved—that I wasn’t strong enough, that I refused to endanger her in whatever mess I was now smack dab in the middle of.
“Whatever twisted punishment you think this is—that you deserve. You don’t.” She pleaded. “Carter, you’re good. You’re so good. Please don’t throw everything we have into the dumpster fire that is my life right now.”
I cupped her face because I just couldn’t help myself.
I hated how selfish I was, that even when I was breaking her heart, I was still taking from her.
That I needed her touch to ground me while I worked up the courage to break her heart.
I was a fucking asshole. “You’re a great girl, Sara.
You’re just not great for me.” I braced myself for the final blow. “I just need someone less needy.”
She jerked back as if I’d burned her .
Good. I’d done it. I’d taken her biggest fear and used it against her.
I was lower than low. I was nothing.
I felt faint as her lip wobbled, and she straightened.
“I would say I would try to be less needy for you, but I’m not going to bother.
You stood by me at my worst, at my ugliest.” She said with surprising strength, though her voice trembled.
“And as someone who’s been living at rock bottom for a while now, I know what you’re doing.
You’re pushing me away. For reasons I don’t understand, and you’re being damn cruel while you’re doing it.
” She added as tears started rolling down her cheeks.
“But I love you, Carter . I know you, and I know when you’re bullshitting me.
” I swallowed hard as she grabbed her shirt, quickly throwing it on, her voice quickly losing more and more bite.
“So, I’m sorry, you big jerk. You’re not getting rid of me just because you’re hurting.
” She stormed towards the door, wiping her cheeks.
“I’ll see you tomorrow. Same place. Same time.
” She sobbed a broken laugh as she stopped in the threshold, something quiet and confident shining in her eyes even as they shimmered with hurt.
“I know you love me too, and I’ll give you all the time you need to remember it.
” She refused to blink, but a tear rolled down her cheek anyway.
This was torture. I wanted to apologize, to tell her I didn’t mean any of it, but I didn’t.
If I loved her, then I would keep my goddamn mouth shut.
So that’s what I did, tasting blood as I literally bit my tongue because my insides were screaming for her.
This was how it had to be in order to keep her safe, to keep her alive —I wouldn’t become my father and let Sara end up like my mother. Collateral damage.
The door slammed, leaving me all alone, and once again it was because of the mess my father had left behind. I knew I should be used to it by now, but I wasn’t.
I staggered to the counter, hating myself. My medication was kicking in and my heart raced faster, each breath coming a little more shallow than the last.
Fuck, when I got emotional. When was the last time I’d eaten something? My blood sugar was way too low. I gripped the counter weakly, feeling the edges of my vision closing in as I tried to stagger into the kitchen.
The door banged open. “You made me so mad I forgot my purse.” I slid down the counter. “Carter!” My head hit the ground, erupting in another sickening migraine. Sara’s panicked scream was the last thing I heard before I blacked out.
It was dark out when I woke up in my bed. Sara’s chest was rising and falling peacefully as she slept fully clothed, curled up beside me.
How she’d gotten me into the bed in the first place, I had no idea, and then I realized I had an IV in my arm—she called the doctor over, because of course she had.
I rolled onto my side and felt a tear slip down my cheek as I stared at her face, illuminated in the moonlight.
The soft slope of her nose, her dark lashes against her full cheeks.
I wanted to reach out and touch her, but I didn’t.
She was too good for me, and I didn’t deserve her, even when I wasn’t being the world's biggest ass.
Which is why I had to make her let me go before it was too late. I quietly slipped out of the bed, angrily ripped the IV out, focusing on the sting of pain and wandered into my office, sitting in front of my too-bright computer screen.
That’s when I noticed the stack of mail on the desk because, of course, she’d brought the mail in. I shook my head, and then a small black envelope caught my attention, and my heart stopped beating altogether.
I cracked the wax seal and slid the heavy envelope open.
An address and a date. Let’s put this behind us once and for all.
I knew the letter for what it was, not an invitation at all, but a threat. And the only thing they could use against me was currently lying in my bed, looking like an angel .
For her own safety, I needed her far, far away from me, because when I started tipping the dominoes I’d been setting up these last few weeks, I wasn’t entirely sure that I wouldn’t be the last one to fall.
I quickly responded to my PR team’s most recent email, wondering if it was a huge mistake, but as soon as Sara let me go—I could burn it all down and maybe I’d let the flames consume me too.