Chapter 43
Daniil
There’s a lot going on and I’m physically exhausted, but I couldn’t sleep now if I wanted to. Not only do I need to keep an eye on Micah so that Courtney can rest, but I’m also dealing with myriad emotions that have left me completely out of sorts.
There’s no doubt in my mind this is my fault.
Because no matter how Jesper is trying to spin it, this was personal.
He chose to go after my child because it was the way to hurt me the most—to repay me for hurting him.
What I did to him was shitty, and I take full responsibility for that.
But I brought Jesper into the fold with me when Erik took back power.
Gave him a position in Parliament as the Minister of Finance.
Introduced him to Joe. Gave him a home and a family.
Things turned out well for him. He has a good life, makes a lot of money, and has direct access to the king. What more could he want?
Me, apparently.
He was fine as long as I was playing the field, but once he caught wind that I’m serious about Courtney, that changed everything. And essentially put both her and Micah in danger, something I never wanted.
I know she’s going to leave, probably without a backward glance, and I don’t blame her.
I’d leave too. Our son’s safety has to come first, and it seems like she was right that I can’t really protect him.
Either of them. This happened on my watch, right under my nose.
A casual family outing and we were betrayed by my ex. A man I trusted implicitly.
God, the whole thing pisses me off.
But at least we never made a formal announcement about Micah’s paternity, and Courtney flat-out told Nicola Mendal that someone else was his father.
If she’s going to gossip, and once this is over, she definitely will, then the word will spread that he’s not mine.
As long as we can keep Jesper quiet, and my gut tells me he’s going to meet with an unfortunate accident.
The simple truth is that he knows too much.
Almost all of our secrets. And I don’t trust that he wouldn’t spread that news to anyone willing to make his life easier in prison.
Though Erik has the power to execute him, he’s trying to change the old ways to look merciful, so it’s going to have to be an accident.
I don’t know for sure what Erik has in mind, but it wouldn’t surprise me if that’s the route he takes.
A wave of guilt hits me as I think about Charlie and Briony. They’re going to be the real victims in all of this. What the hell do we do with them? Adoption is a crap shoot—they could wind up anywhere and potentially be separated.
I don’t think I can raise them on my own and I know Courtney won’t want them.
Especially given my history with their dad.
I’m almost certain Joe doesn’t want the responsibility either, even though he’s been Daddy for about a year now.
But he’s in his sixties and I know he never wanted children.
He only agreed to this because Jesper assured him he would be their primary caretaker.
Fuck.
At some point I doze off, Micah sleeping on my shoulder, and I wake up when he does.
“Your mouth bothering you?” I ask quietly, sitting up and bouncing him. “I think Mommy has teething rings in the freezer.” I pad over to the mini fridge and sure enough, there are the rings. I hand him one and let him gnaw on it while I change his diaper.
God, he’s beautiful.
It’s going to kill me to walk away from him—from them—but it’s the best move. The safest one. The one that almost certainly guarantees that nothing like this will ever happen again.
I kiss the top of his head and hold him snug against my chest.
If this is one of the last times I’m going to hold my son, I’m going to drink it all in.
The memories of the last few weeks are going to have to last a lifetime and it’s not enough.
No amount of time will ever be enough, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make so he can grow up safe and healthy. Away from the chaos of life as a royal.
I never should have gone looking for Courtney.
This would be so much easier if I never knew about him. I guess this is my penance for breaking Jesper’s heart.
Pulling out my phone, I check for any messages but there’s nothing. That’s probably a good thing. There’s nothing that would pull me away from Courtney and Micah. Not today.
Courtney sleeps for the rest of the day, not even waking up to eat. Once I get Micah down for the night, I stretch out beside her. I’m beyond exhausted and I want to spend one last night with the woman I love. The one I’m going to let go because it’s better for her.
I never would have thought myself the kind of man who’s altruistic this way—I was raised to believe I could have and do anything I want.
That’s simply not the case with Courtney.
It just kills me that she was right all along.
My only hope is that I’m not breaking her heart the way she’s breaking mine.
* * *
At some point in the early morning hours, I feel her stir beside me. She rolls into my arms, and I close them around her.
“You okay?” I whisper sleepily.
“Mmhm.” She nestles against me.
She’s quiet then but I can tell by her breathing she’s not going back to sleep.
“Something on your mind, sweetheart?”
“I’m leaving tomorrow. Today. I don’t know what time it is.”
“I know.”
“I don’t want to say goodbye.”
“Okay.”
“I’m sorry, Daniil.” Her voice cracks a little, and I refuse to let her feel bad for doing what’s best for our son.
“Shh, don’t cry.” I stroke her hair. “It’s okay. I understand.”
“Do you?”
“Of course. I want him to be safe too. He’s more important than anything else.”
“I’ll take really good care of him.”
“I know you will. And I’ve already set up a trust—for both of you. You’ll never have to worry about money. Work, don’t work, but you can do whatever you want.”
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“Yeah, I did.” I kiss the top of her head. “And if there’s anything you need beyond money, just reach out to Lennox. Or me directly. We basically established that he isn’t my child so there’s no reason you can’t contact me if you need anything.”
“I think…it’ll be easier…if I don’t.”
Yeah, there’s that.
“Just send pictures to Lennox once in a while. I need to see him.”
“I can do that.” Her voice breaks again and now she’s crying for real.
“I’m so sorry, baby.” I pull her to my chest. “Don’t cry. Please don’t cry over me. I’m not worth it.”
“That might be the dumbest thing you’ve ever said,” she sniffles.
“Thank you for giving me a chance to prove myself to you,” I say after a moment. “Things didn’t work out the way I hoped but I appreciate that you tried. That you let me be the man I wanted to be for you and for him. I just wish I could have done more.”
“You’re a good father,” she whispers. “That you’re willing to let him go is a testament to that. And someday, when he’s old enough to understand the danger and the sacrifice, I’ll tell him about you.”
I can’t remember the last time I cried but there’s no denying the tears leaking from my eyes. Or the pain that’s so intense I can barely take a breath.
“I love you,” I whisper in the darkness. “And I always will.”
“I love you too.”
And her tears soak into my chest as mine drip onto the pillow.