Chapter 5
Dante
“You’re a first-class idiot.”
I turned at the sound of Augustus’s angry voice.
“What did I do now?” I asked. We were in the middle of the New Mexico desert, trying to see if there was going to be more activity in the Nexus. He wasn’t on this assignment, but here he was. “And what are you doing here?”
He shoved an envelope at my chest, and I barely had time to grab it before he let go. “You do not deserve to have him as a mate. You should ask the fates to release him from you so someone else can have him.”
I narrowed my eyes. “What are you talking about?” I looked down at the envelope and saw my name written on it in neat little print. I looked back up at Augustus. “What’s this?”
“A letter,” Augustus said. “From your mate.” He looked over at Atticus, who had joined us.
“The mate that you didn’t even bother letting know you were going out on assignment.
The mate you obviously don’t want.” Augustus shook his head.
“If you don’t want him, I’ll gladly take him. Just ask the fates to let him go.”
My beast pushed to the surface, and it was only the fact that Atticus was there and had grabbed my arms that I didn’t rip the head off my packmate. Instead, I growled at Augustus. “You stay away from him.”
“Or you’ll what? You don’t want him. Remember? You left without even telling him you were going out on assignment. Again. Why? Why is it that you have so little regard for that sweet omega? Is it because he was raped? Is it because he was drugged? Why? He didn’t choose those things!”
I managed to break through Atticus’s hold and shoved at Augustus.
“You weren’t there, you asshole! You don’t know what he went through,” I said harshly.
“Well, I was. I had to watch him and the others get raped and abused over and over. I had to watch as they were chosen for those sick games every fucking time. And I couldn’t do anything about it.
I couldn’t help them,” I shouted as I beat my own chest. I walked away, warring with myself.
I turned back to Atticus and Augustus. “I was there. I saw him. All of them. And I couldn’t save them.
Not without all of us getting killed. And I will have to live with myself for that for the rest of my miserable life.
I would give anything to be able to have Banner as mine.
But I don’t deserve him.” I shook my head and then walked away.
I couldn’t do this. I used magic and popped myself into the middle of nowhere.
I looked around and sighed. Antarctica was a good place for a hellhound like me.
There was nobody else around, and I wasn’t a threat to the penguins.
I used magic to hide myself and make a little shelter.
When I stepped in out of the cold, immediately, thoughts of Banner flooded my mind.
Despite everything he had been forced to endure, he was incredibly sweet.
Yes, he’d cursed me out more than once when we’d both first arrived at the council, but I’d deserved it.
I knew he had been hurting more than I could ever hope to understand.
And him taking his anger and frustrations out on me when he was hurting as he was, that was acceptable.
I looked around the small space and sighed.
Was this the answer? No. Was this what I needed at the moment?
Yes. I knew if I didn’t get away from Augustus, I was going to say or do something that I regretted.
I also knew that Augustus wouldn’t back down.
He was going to keep pushing until he got what he felt were the correct answers.
Well, I didn’t have any for him. I would love nothing more than to come home to that sweet omega and hold him all night and protect him like I couldn’t then.
But I didn’t have the right to claim him like I wanted.
He deserved someone who wouldn’t be a constant reminder of failure.
I had let him and the others down, and I would have to live with that the rest of my life.
Yes, I’d seen the therapist. Dr. Bennett had gone over it with me many times. That didn’t change the fact that I’d not been able to stop what was happening to Banner and the others. That would never erase the guilt I had to live with for all of eternity. Or the nightmares that I couldn’t erase.
I sat down on the small bed and leaned forward, trying to figure out what I needed to do.
Should I leave the council? If I went away, would Banner be gifted a new mate?
He deserved one. I didn’t have access to the fates, but I had to wonder if I explained everything to Master Edison, if he could reach out for me.
I glanced down at the now crumpled letter in my hand.
I used magic to smooth it out and ran my finger over the neat handwriting on the front.
“Dante.” That was all it said. Just my name.
Something that I’d not chosen but had been given to me all those centuries ago.
I’d not been in the best place when I first needed to choose a last name, and Coal was what felt like fit me then.
I honestly didn’t know, but now I wondered about Banner’s last name.
And his family. Had they been responsible for his captivity?
I opened the envelope and pulled out the papers. I fanned them out and realized it was two pages long. Apparently, Banner had a lot to say to me because just a quick glance showed the same neat print that was on the envelope, and it wasn’t large. I took a deep breath and started reading.
Dante,
Hi. I know you don’t want to hear from me, and this will be the last time I bother you.
I looked off to the side and glared. Why was it he thought he was bothering me? I rarely saw the sweet man. I sighed. I was sure this was my fault, and probably one of the many reasons why Augustus was so upset with me. I lay down on the bed and held the pages up to continue reading.
I just wanted to take a moment and tell you I was sorry. I know I never said those words to you, and I owe them and so many more.
I sat up, growling again. At this rate, it was going to take me days to get through the letter. I took a deep breath, then focused back on the words printed on the paper.
You came to me in the beginning. You came to check on me, and I said some hateful and disgusting things to you and I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve my anger. I was hurt and took everything out on you because you had been there too.
I recognized you in that jungle. Despite everything we were being forced to do, I knew you were my mate.
And that you couldn’t do anything to stop what was happening.
But there was some small selfish part of me that wanted you to swoop in and rescue me.
I’ve talked to Dr. Braun, and others that were there rescuing us.
There was nothing you could have done. I know that now, and I am so very sorry I ever said those things to you.
I cannot take them back. They are out there and will forever be between us.
Those hateful, hurtful words will always have been said, and there is nothing I wouldn’t give to have never voiced them.
They were unfair to you. They were coming from a place of pain and darkness, and that wasn’t your fault.
I was so grateful to be out of that jungle but then came the nightmares. Every noise at night, when I was trying to sleep, was them coming for me again. And that’s when I saw you. That’s when I attacked you. Why? Because I was in a cage and you weren’t.
I didn’t know about the perimeter fence.
I didn’t know you had no magical powers, not then or that you ever would, but I wanted my mate to rescue me.
I didn’t know you had been seriously wounded saving others when the rescue was happening until weeks later.
Not that any of that excuses what I said to you. There is none.
I had to stop and take several deep breaths. This poor, sweet omega. He was so amazingly wonderful and deserved so much more than what I could offer. I understood nightmares. I could relate to having them because I still had them.
All the times I had to watch others being abused, I relived in my nightmares.
Not being able to find my way back out of that compound, I relived in my nightmares.
Having to hear the screams and cries from others as they were assaulted, as they were tortured, and then as those noises died down as the life ran out of them.
It was there in my memories, in my dreams when I tried to sleep at night.
That was why I knew that Banner deserved so much better than me.
I shook my head and went back to the letter.
I’ve done the time. I’ve been in therapy since I could leave the medical wing.
I’ve seen Dr. King for checkups and Dr. Braun I don’t know how many times.
Physically I’m completely healed and fine.
Mentally? I do still have trouble with trying to not relive those nights in that jungle when I’m home alone. I’m better every day.
I have an appointment with Dr. Braun on Friday.
I’m going to discuss options for moving.
I know I’ll need support of some form and I’m curious about if there are other psychologists that can help elsewhere.
I’m a nobody when it comes to the council.
I work in the bakery, and they don’t really need me.
Lewis and Beau do all of the work with magic. I’m just there to take orders.
But you, you’re different.
I growled again and crumpled the papers in my hand as I made a fist. How dare he think he was a nobody. He was amazing, and even I knew that. That was why he deserved so much better than me. I sat there fuming for a moment before I laid the papers on my thigh and smoothed them out.
You’re amazing. You are doing wonderful things. You help others. You have an actual pack and a purpose with the council. My best friend is now mated. He’s going to have a baby even. He’s busy with his own life, and I don’t blame him.