Chapter 20
The night after Mr. Wickham’s attack, Elizabeth had trouble sleeping. There were two reasons for this. The first, of course, was that memories of her ordeal kept intruding every time she tried to relax. The other reason was Mr. Darcy.
When memories of Mr. Wickham appeared, she was able to soothe her pain and fear with memories of being held by Mr. Darcy. With his strong arms around her and his scent filling her nose, she had felt as if nothing frightening or painful would ever come near her again.
She thought about all he had said over the past weeks, how he had declared his love in so many ways, with words, with expressions, with his actions. It had been some time since she had harbored any doubt about him whatsoever. What she did have doubt about was her own feelings toward the man.
Until today.
Until he held her and comforted her and told her that even if she was ruined he would still love her, care for her. Until that moment, she hadn’t even realized how much it would have hurt her if he had withdrawn his affection. Until that moment, she hadn’t known that she loved him.
What kept her awake, apart from reliving the intense experiences of the day, was pondering what she should do about it. Should she tell him? If so, how? How was a young lady supposed to express such a change of heart without breaking every rule of propriety?
When she finally fell asleep, she was no closer to an answer to that question. However, she was certain that she needed to tell him. She must. It was the only way to repay all the kindness and patience he had shown her.
Elizabeth awoke before sunrise the following morning.
She was usually up with the sun, but this morning, she was startled awake by a nightmare.
Not wishing to risk its return, she sat in the dark, still snuggled under her warm blankets, and thought more about Mr. Darcy, hoping that memories of him would chase away the lingering fear from her nightmare.
Eventually, the sun rose, and Elizabeth crawled out of bed to start her day.
Early in the afternoon, Mr. Darcy arrived as usual, along with Mr. Masters and Georgiana. Each guest sought out their usual company, and they were soon all seated.
Almost as soon as he was settled, Elizabeth asked Mr. Darcy, “I wonder if we might go for a walk. Lately, I have been taking my exercise before breakfast, but I felt distinctly uncomfortable going on my own this morning.”
“That is perfectly understandable,” he answered. “Shall we invite Miss Bennet and Masters to join us?”
“That would be perfect,” she said.
Jane and Mr. Masters quickly agreed, and Elizabeth and her sister went to fetch their cloaks. Once they began to walk, they immediately split into two pairs with Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth in the lead.
Mr. Darcy said, “While I understand you might be hesitant to go out on your own, I do hope your fear does not rule you for long.”
“I am certain it shall not,” said Elizabeth. “I have been walking these paths and roads for as long as I can remember. I just need to let their familiarity soothe my fears. Although I do not think I shall ever be quite as recklessly independent again.”
“It is good to recognize there are dangers in the world,” said Mr. Darcy. “But it is unwise to let fear of them rule you. A little wisdom and prudence are all that is needed.”
“If I recall correctly, you did not particularly approve of my walking to Netherfield by myself when Jane was ill,” she said.
“Not entirely,” said Mr. Darcy, “though I admit that the exercise made your appearance quite appealing. At the time, Miss Bingley claimed that I would not wish Georgiana to ever do such a thing, and I had to agree with her, but Georgiana is not as independent nor as spirited as you are.”
Elizabeth was silent for a time, and Mr. Darcy seemed content to be so as well. However, her mind was far from quiet. There was a question, she desperately needed to know the answer to, but she feared it would be too forward for her to ask.
Eventually, she gathered her courage and said, “If I agreed to marry you, would you wish to keep me from walking out by myself?”
She expected him to be startled by the question, possibly staring at her, but he seemed unflustered. Only the barest hint of a smile betrayed that he was pleased she was thinking about the possibility of marrying him.
“While in London, it would be wise for you to take at least one footman with you wherever you go. There is much more danger on the crowded streets of the city than here in the country. At Pemberley, you would certainly be free to wander the gardens as much as you like, but if you ventured out beyond that, I would be much more comfortable if you had someone with you. If nothing else, they would be able to fetch help if you were to fall or get hurt in some other way.”
“Though I might chafe under such restrictions, I can see why you would make them,” she answered.
“It is not as restrictive as it sounds,” said Mr. Darcy. “The gardens are extensive, and just walking around the edge is three quarters of a mile. If all you wished for was to get some exercise, it would only take two or three circuits to satisfy you.”
“If the gardens are that big, how big is the park around Pemberley?” she asked. The entire area around Longbourn’s manor house was only three quarters of a mile around, and the garden itself was less than a third of that.
“I take a complete tour around the park once a year. The entire journey takes between two and three hours, riding at a leisurely pace. It is ten miles around,” he said.
“My goodness,” said Elizabeth. She had known that Pemberley must be large, but the idea of that much land set aside simply for the amusement and entertainment of a single family was astonishing. “I imagine the estate itself must be very large, indeed.”
“Kympton, the village where all my tenants live, consists of one hundred fifty houses, and it is surrounded by one and a half square miles of farmland and pastures,” he said.
Elizabeth mentally compared that to the mere twenty-five houses in the village of Longbourn, and she was, once again, impressed.
“Honestly, Kympton cannot truly be called a village anymore. It has two shops of its own, making it so that the people there don’t have to travel the four miles into Lambton nearly as often,” said Mr. Darcy.
“Lambton? Why does that name sound familiar?” asked Elizabeth. A moment later, she said, “Oh, that is where my aunt grew up. I knew it was in Derbyshire, but I had no notion it was so close to Pemberley.”
“Your aunt?” asked Mr. Darcy.
“Yes. My Uncle Gardiner, who lives in London, married a lady from Derbyshire ten years ago,” said Elizabeth. “She has occasionally mentioned the county and the town of Lambton with a great deal of fondness.”
“And what was her maiden name?” asked Mr. Darcy.
“She was the daughter of a shopkeeper. Her name was Madeleine Brooks.”
“Brooks’ Books!” cried Darcy. “I can’t tell you the number of times I visited there in my younger years. These days, I usually order my books from London by mail, but that is only because old Mr. Brooks died twelve years ago. If he was still alive, I would still be ordering my books from him.”
“That was my aunt’s father,” said Elizabeth, pleased that he remembered her father’s bookshop with such fondness. “After he passed on, my aunt, her mother, and her younger brother moved to London where she met my uncle.”
They chatted for a bit about Derbyshire, Lambton, and Pemberley.
Elizabeth felt herself begin to relax into the exercise and the conversation, but she couldn’t relax completely.
Her mind still whirled with the need to tell him of her feelings.
She knew if she didn’t do it today, she would regret it.
When there was a pause in the conversation, Elizabeth changed the subject by saying, “I must thank you for your assistance yesterday. It was all such a whirling nightmare, that I don’t know if I thanked you then.”
“There is no need,” said Mr. Darcy. “I honestly don’t feel as if I did anything worth your thanks.”
“Oh, but you did!” she said loudly. She stopped walking and turned to face him. “You comforted me when I was so out of my wits that I could not even tell you what was wrong. You declared your devotion in no uncertain terms when my reputation was in question. You cannot think that was nothing.”
He followed her lead by halting and turning to face her. As he did, Elizabeth vaguely noted that Jane and Mr. Masters were nowhere to be seen.
“Miss Elizabeth, you must know that your happiness is my happiness. I could have done nothing else under the circumstances. It required no effort on my part other than to leash the intense anger I felt toward your attacker.”
“Then I thank you for that,” said Elizabeth insistently. “If you had shown such anger in my presence, it might have frightened me away despite knowing that it was not aimed at me.”
As Elizabeth declared her thanks with as much fervor as she could muster, she looked Mr. Darcy directly in his eyes.
Beneath her thanks, she tried to convey the much deeper emotions that she could not put into words: the gratitude she had for his constancy, the respect she felt for his character, the admiration she had for his protective nature, and the love that had grown for him in her heart.
He must have seen at least some of it there, for he reached out and took her hand. They were both wearing warm gloves, so she felt nothing more than the pressure of his hold, but even that made her feel just a bit warmer.
“Miss Elizabeth,” he said, “I fear my hopes are betraying my senses, but I cannot help but think that there may be the beginning of hope for my suit. Please tell me so that I do not linger in such painful doubt for long. Is there hope?”
Elizabeth smiled. She could not blame him for being so hesitant. After all, he had been working under the assumption that she disliked him intensely, and until now she had not given him any indication of her gradually shifting opinion.
“There is a great deal of hope, Mr. Darcy,” she said.
“Yesterday, when I was hiding in the woods, not knowing what to do, I heard your voice. Suddenly, I knew exactly where to go and what to do. I knew, deep in my soul, that you were a safe haven, that you would help me and comfort me. And you did just that. I knew then that I wanted that feeling for the rest of my life.”
He lifted his hand to her face as if he was wiping her tears from yesterday away. The soft leather of his glove was pleasant on her cheek, but she couldn’t help wishing it was his bare hand.
“Miss Elizabeth, there is a question I would like to ask you, but I am terribly afraid to put it forth. I have stated my wishes so baldly and so often, you would think that it would be easy enough, but it is nothing of the sort. If I ask too soon, and you decline because I was precipitous, I do not know how I would survive it.”
“You may ask without fear,” she said.
“Miss Elizabeth Bennet, you are the best and brightest lady I know, and I admire you for it. You are loyal and kind to those who you love, and I respect you for it. But more than that, you are Elizabeth Bennet. Your smile makes me smile, and your happiness brings me joy. Your misery moves me to action to change whatever it is that makes you unhappy, even when that is myself. You are my heart. Will you marry me?”
“Yes, I will, Mr. Darcy. I would be overjoyed to marry you.”
Slowly, giving Elizabeth every chance to voice an objection, he leaned towards her until their lips met in Elizabeth’s first kiss. It was short and very gentle, but something momentous shifted inside her soul at such an intimate token of his affection.
When the kiss was over, he pulled back just enough to look her in the eyes. She could feel such a joy radiating from her face that she worried he might be blinded by it. He was not. Instead, he smiled. Then he kissed her again.
This one was much longer. As it went on, he wrapped his arms around her and held her close, and she returned the favor.
Many more kisses followed, and Elizabeth forgot they were standing in an open field.
She forgot she should be returning home soon.
She forgot everything but Mr. Darcy. In his kisses and his caresses, she somehow sensed the decades that lay before them.
The hundreds and thousands of times they would surely repeat this experience and the decades of joyful, daily life that would be connected by those moments.
When they parted briefly to say some expression of affection or simply to look at the light of love shining from each other’s eyes, Elizabeth could see the promise of a life of safety and happiness in his expression.
Of one thing, she was certain. No matter what happened, no matter where they went or what they did, this place in Mr. Darcy’s arms would be her home for the rest of her life.