Chapter Ten #3
Unconsciously, he vowed to remain constant to Elizabeth Bennet.
He had meant to forget her, and he had honestly believed it possible.
He told himself he held no preference. He accepted the fact she had wounded his pride, and he was angry.
Angry at Elizabeth for refusing him and at himself for making a cake of the Darcy name.
Her character became fixed in his mind as perfection itself; at Hertfordshire, he had learned to do her justice, and at Hunsford, he had begun to understand himself.
He declared his attempts to attach himself to another as impossible.
He could not forget the perfect excellence of her mind or the way she possessed him.
From her, he had learned steadiness of principle, and Darcy admitted to admiring the way she had withstood his arguments in her defense of George Wickham.
“Of course, I would have preferred the lady did not place her trust in Mr. Wickham, but I understand how if I had been more open, prior to when I proposed, mayhap, Mr. Wickham’s perfidy would not have taken root in Miss Elizabeth’s sensibility.
I would like to believe a different outcome was possible if I had come to this knowledge sooner. ”
Reluctantly, Darcy also admitted his desire to protect Bingley had not really been for altruistic reasons.
“If I had truly cared for Bingley’s future, I would not have abandoned my objections to the Bennet family’s connections in order to secure my own happiness,” he said to the darkness encompassing his chambers.
“It is difficult to acknowledge my motives as selfish, but, self-seeking, they were. If I could not attain Miss Elizabeth’s affections, I had to make a choice, and I chose to keep Bingley’s friendship.
Because, in reality, I could never remain Bingley’s associate if he married Miss Bennet.
Seeing their happiness would remind me of what I had lost. What I never possessed.
” It was a sobering realization for a man who prided himself on his earnest regard for Charles Bingley.
“The problem rests in my family duty,” he grumbled over his solitary breakfast. “If I yield to what most declare to be my obligation, and I marry a woman who is indifferent, all risk would be incurred and all duty violated.”
Unable to place his heart in the pursuit of a proper companion, Darcy abandoned the farce and prepared for an early retreat to Pemberley.
Both he and Georgiana accepted the need for solitude.
He would care for his estate and wait for acceptance to arrive.
Georgiana would continue the journey upon which she had recently set her feet.
She would find a means to know contentment through selfless acts.
Together, they would safeguard each other’s hearts.
A few evenings before their departure, Edward returned to Darcy House; the military buildup kept him busy preparing the troops. He and Darcy lingered in the dining room while Georgiana and Mrs. Annesley prepared to entertain them in the music room.
“Am I to understand you have been in Kent again, Edward?” Darcy asked, pouring them both a brandy.
“Indeed,” his cousin began. “I expect to be away for several months. I wished to bid Anne a farewell. Assuredly, that is difficult when our aunt is in attendance, but she does leave us to our own diversions occasionally.” Edward smiled easily.
“Our aunt was most insistent that I relay her eagerness for your return to Rosings Park.”
Darcy chuckled. “I am happy my absence from Kent benefits you, Cousin.”
“When you marry, Lady Catherine will lose control of Anne. She will not be pleased,” Edward lamented. “But know that her ladyship will not take your obstinate refusal graciously.”
“What will not please her, Edward,” Darcy corrected, “is not losing Anne but the loss of Rosings Park. She will become Dowager de Bourgh. Surely, you thought of that. Our cousin will soon inherit.”
“My interest in Anne is not Rosings,” Darcy’s cousin sounded a bit offended.
Darcy warranted, “You told me once you must marry for money, but you wanted affection also. I assumed you found both in Anne.” Darcy hesitated, “Hopefully, the family will support both my decision and yours.” Family meant Edward’s father, the Earl of Matlock, and his older cousin, Edward’s brother Roland.
“The earl knows how best to soothe our aunt’s contentious ways,” Edward assured. They sat in companionable silence for several minutes before the colonel ventured, “I do bring news from Kent, but I dare not speak of Mrs. Collins’s friend.”
Hoping to deny his interest in the subject, Darcy fixed his countenance.
“Edward, you may speak Elizabeth Bennet’s name.
I cannot avoid the lady forever; my most excellent friend lets an estate in Hertfordshire.
Her long-time friend is married to Lady Catherine’s cleric.
I must harden my resolve regarding my former hopes.
” When the colonel continued to delay, Darcy sighed heavily, “Out with it, man!”
With a shrug of his shoulders, Edward said, “Anne shared some news of Miss Elizabeth that she learned from her companion, Mrs. Jenkinson. One afternoon, our cousin and I were having our own amusement at Mr. Collins’s expense, I am afraid.
” Darcy rolled his eyes at the mention of Collins’s name.
The man was a complete nincompoop. “Did you know, William, that prior to marrying Charlotte Lucas, Mr. Collins proposed to Miss Elizabeth? Evidently, that was the day after Mr. Bingley’s ball at Netherfield.
” Just the mention of the ball brought exquisite memories to Darcy.
“Miss Elizabeth’s mother demanded the lady save the family estate by marrying Collins.
Mr. Bennet refused to force his daughter into the marriage.
The Bennet estate is entailed on Mr. Collins.
We wondered how Collins had come to marry Miss Lucas.
It makes so much sense in hindsight. Can you imagine Miss Elizabeth’s vitality in the hands of a superfluous arse such as Collins? ”
Darcy attempted to conceal his reaction, but the thought of Collins kissing Elizabeth and taking husbandly privileges with her caused Darcy to redden with abhorrence.
A shudder of disdain shook his core. He had not taken more than one drink since the night he had confessed everything to Edward, but he did not think all the brandy in his cellars would deaden the distaste filling his soul.
With irony, he said, “It does not make me happy to know the lady places me in company with our aunt’s clergyman.
She has refused two proposals of marriage. That is quite incomparable.”
“One would think Miss Elizabeth’s lack of a dowry would have the lady accepting any appropriate offer,” Edward reasoned.
“Refusing Mr. Collins is understandable. The man would smother Miss Elizabeth’s spirit.
Her life would become a shell. But to refuse a man of your standing, Darcy, is not to be reasoned. ”
Darcy swallowed hard. “The lady wishes for a love match.”
Georgiana’s musical interlude was as superb as ever, but all Darcy could see were Elizabeth’s eyes and her smile and how the images faded whenever he reached for them.
The month they spent at Pemberley brought both Darcys some peace.
Georgiana called on the tenants and assisted the new rector.
Darcy rode out daily with his steward, Mr. Howard.
The siblings walked the paths surrounding the lake, read extensively, and sought a new resolve.
They were to meet Bingley, his sisters, and Hurst in London the first week of July for a celebration of the Hursts’ anniversary.
Afterwards, they all would return to Pemberley for several weeks in August.
Although his life had returned to normal, each evening, in the privacy of his chambers, Darcy replayed his time with Elizabeth.
He had pictured her at Pemberley so many times, and even being at his ancestral home did little to soften her memory.
The knowledge of how his prideful behavior had placed him in the lady’s disfavor laced his reproofs.
He had assumed Miss Elizabeth would accept his proposal; it had never occurred to him she would not settle for his protection.
Collins could have provided her a pleasant home, but she had wanted more.
Darcy had offered her more money, but that was not what could earn him Elizabeth’s loyalty.
She would not love a man she could not respect; therefore, she did not love him.
Brought up in opulence, he had learned superiority at his father’s knee.
Had he not been warned repeatedly of those who would flatter him to become an intimate in his life?
When he remembered his time with Elizabeth, Darcy saw himself as proud and leaden.
Elizabeth had accused him of not only arrogance but of conceit and disdain for others.
He often wondered how he would have felt if someone had spoken to Georgiana as he had spoken to Elizabeth.
Even if he and Georgiana had no more than what Elizabeth had to offer, Darcy would have called the dastard out, and a duel would have ensued.
His place in the world had been unthreatened until there was Elizabeth.
He desperately wished for another opportunity to make Elizabeth a part of his life.
He prayed to show her he had changed, but first, he must follow his sister’s advice: He must find value in himself, not associated with his position.
He would consciously alter how he spoke to people and how he thought of people and how he treated them.
If he could do so without glory, but because it was the right action, then feasibly he could someday present his hand to Elizabeth Bennet again.
So, the transformation of Fitzwilliam Darcy began.
Always of a relatively handsome countenance, he possessed an air of confidence and an aristocratic demeanor.
When he entered a room, he commanded it.
Yet, even with all he possessed, he never knew himself until he had encountered Elizabeth Bennet.
Now, he questioned so many things about his life.
Why had he, for example, never recognized Georgiana as an intelligent, benevolent young woman?
His often-shy sister, he recently discovered, possessed strength of character.
Why had he also not recognized his own nature?
He had Pemberley; he had respect; he had wealth, but he did not have contentment.
Darcy knew he could find another woman with whom he could share tenderness and even moments of passion; but, much to his frustration, he knew only Elizabeth could be his other half.
With Elizabeth Bennet he could share his innermost self.
She charged him to be a better person; even without her by his side, he made a vow to be attentive to her rebukes and embrace her accolades.
The deception to which he had exposed Charles Bingley created an issue he would address immediately.
When he saw Bingley in London, Darcy would observe his friend.
If Charles still felt strongly for Jane Bennet, Darcy would move heaven and earth to bring them together.
It would probably cost Darcy his friendship with Bingley, but his comfort was secondary to Bingley’s happiness.
When they met up in Town, his friend had the same easy manner, but something was missing.
Darcy had originally hoped Bingley and Georgiana would find each other, but although they were ready companions, no romantic attraction had ever developed.
Bingley’s heart, like Darcy’s, was lost to a country miss in Hertfordshire.
Somehow, Darcy would ascertain whether Jane Bennet had found another suitor.
If Elizabeth had turned to George Wickham and the younger sisters to other officers, Miss Bennet could have possibly found someone else in these last five months.
Torturously, Darcy allowed the possibility of George Wickham’s embracing Elizabeth.
He could possibly accept Elizabeth’s finding happiness with another, because for him her happiness would be tantamount, but if that person were George Wickham, Darcy did not think he could survive the injustice.
Then again, perchance his letter had altered her opinion of Mr. Wickham.
Although he privately prayed for it, Darcy refused to think of the prospect of another chance with Elizabeth.
Instead, he would mend the futures of Charles Bingley and Miss Jane Bennet.
Without their reconciliation, Elizabeth would never offer him forgiveness.
He considered hiring someone to secure the information in Meryton, but he quickly realized how foolish that would be.
If he required information on the Bennet family, a reliable source could be found on his aunt’s estate.
Surely Mr. Collins could be manipulated into providing the necessary facts.
Darcy would wait. If Bingley’s interest in Miss Bennet persisted, Darcy would find a means to return his friend to Netherfield.