Chapter 6
I’m pouring myself a drink when Remy closes the front door after walking Cara and Cody out. My mind is calm and settled, my mood is perfect, and I feel more clear-headed than I have in weeks.
Until Remy comes back and bombards me. “What the fuck, Zahn?” he snaps at me, pissed off about something.
“What?” I scoff, taking a shot just to drown him out.
“What the hell was that shit?” He snatches the bottle and takes a drink straight from it, shaking his head at me.
“What shit?” I’m confused. He was right there.
“You’re… bi or something? Gay? Not gay?” He fumbles for another way to phrase the question. “What the fuck are you?”
I don’t know why he’s pissed, but I shrug, trying to diffuse the situation. We suck at fighting. “Open, I guess. I don’t know.”
“Open?” he scoffs. “More than open. A guy just sucked you off.”
“So?”
He simmers but says nothing. And now I’m the one who’s pissed.
“Are you fucking judging me?” I shout at him, my calm mood completely evaporating. “Fuck you, Remy. What’s the big deal?”
“The big deal?” He opens and closes his mouth three times before shouting, “The big deal is that I had no fucking idea!”
I turn my back on him, feeling weird about seeing him angry about this. Like… it’s Remy. Why the hell would he care? “What difference does it make?” Maybe I’m not as comfortable with him as I thought I was.
“It makes all the fucking difference, Zahn!”
“Why?” I butt in, spinning to level him with a glare. “So fucking what? I don’t care who does what, so why should you?”
“Because I didn’t know!” He points at me, blue eyes blazing and cheeks flushed pink. “Why didn’t I know?”
I shrug again. “It never came up?”
“I’m your best friend, aren’t I? I’m your best friend… you bring that shit up!” His face falls a little, suddenly looking self-conscious. “You don’t trust me?”
“What? Of course I trust you.”
“Not enough to tell me.”
“It hasn’t happened with you around, so it just never came up. I didn’t think it was something I had to tell.”
Remy shakes his head at me again. “You’ve done this before? With guys?”
“A little. Mostly if a chick is there, too. It just happens.” I look at him, wondering what the hell the actual problem is here. “Why are you pissed?”
“Because I didn’t know. If anyone should know, it’s me! You didn’t tell me something big about you and it…” He looks at me then looks away.
I’m so confused right now, and apparently, confusion makes me angry. “I told you it never came up. Why are you making a big deal out of this?”
“Because you didn’t trust me, Zahn!” he shouts at me, red-faced. “You didn’t trust me, man,” he repeats, sounding way more defeated than I’ve ever heard him before.
“That’s what you think this is? That I kept a secret from you?” I run my fingers through my hair, feeling pretty shitty about that, actually.
“Yeah, you dick. I should know these things about you. You should confide in me.” He shakes his head. “I didn’t know, and now it makes me feel like I’m missing all these parts of you. Like there’s this whole other side you don’t even show me. Fuck, man. How many times have we fucked around together with other people, and I didn’t even know this whole other… part of you?”
“Not on purpose. Fuck, Rem. I’m sorry. I just never thought it was a big deal. Just… me, and I figured you know me well enough to just roll with whatever. I didn’t think I had to make some announcement.”
“You know everything about me, Zahn. Everything. Why hide from me?”
Okay, so maybe the truth is about to blurt out of my mouth. “Because I didn’t want to freak you out! We hook up in the same… I just didn’t want you to think I was…”
“What?” He throws his arms wide. “What, Zahn?”
“I didn’t want you to think it was weird and then you’d stop doing that shit with me.” There, you dick. “Happy?”
“No, I’m not happy. Don’t hide shit from me, you fucking asshole.”
“Why not, Rem?” My anger flares again. “Tell me something. Next time we’re getting laid at the same time, are you going to be second-guessing everything because you’ll feel weird around me?”
“No!”
“Are you going to think I’m checking you out? Huh?”
“Fuck you, Zahn.” He shoves me in the chest and my back hits the kitchen cabinets. “Don’t even ask me that shit.”
“It’s a legitimate question.” I shove him back.
“No! I won’t feel weird. I won’t feel weird because you’re my best friend and I fucking trust you! Like you should have trusted me!”
“Yeah, look how well it’s going so far.” I grab the bottle again.
“Because you lied to me.”
“I didn’t fucking lie! It just never came up.” My god, he’s pissing me off. Remy and I never fight, and now this is getting between us just because we haven’t had a formal conversation about it? I don’t do formal. Shit happens. We discover it, discuss it, end of story. That’s how it’s always worked, and that’s how it’s going now, so he can fuck off about trust. Of course I trust him. “I just didn’t expect you to be judgy about it.”
“Jesus fuck, Zahn.” He groans, shaking his head. “I’m not judging you. I’d never judge you. Why do you think I am?”
“Because you’re fighting with me about it.” I laugh, but it’s not a humorous laugh. “I’m done. I’m going home.”
He grabs my keys so I can’t reach them. “You aren’t driving. And I’m only pissed off because you didn’t tell me all your shit. I wanna know everything about you, for fuck’s sake!”
I reach for my keys again, but Remy pulls them back. So, naturally, I decide to push all his buttons and become an asshole. He says this won’t make him uncomfortable? Let’s find out.
I lean into his body, chest to chest, and fight him for the keys. “This weird you out now that you know? You think I’m coming on to you?”
“Don’t be a dick.”
“I’m not. I’m proving a point. You’re being weird, and this is exactly what I didn’t want.” It’s a lie. He’s not being weird, I am, and I never feared telling him anything about me. It literally just never came up. My mind works in simple ways like that.
“I’m being weird?” he asks, pressing his chest to mine and calling my bluff. He leans in close, pushing me against the cabinets. “I can be a dick right back, Zahn. You can’t out-dick me, so stop trying.” He glares at me, not at all shying away. “This changes nothing. It only proves you’re an asshole.”
“Yeah,” I agree, deflating. “An asshole who doesn’t care if it’s a guy or a girl who gets me off.” I push him away from my body. “An asshole who can’t get off with just one person anymore. An asshole who needs constant change in order to get his rocks off. An asshole with a messed up mind and no idea what to do with it.” I look right at him. “An asshole who only got off with those two chicks the other night because it was a group fuck and I got to watch you with them, too. How’s my confiding going now? Still want to know all my thoughts?” I lift a brow at him.
“Yes,” he hisses. “All of them. My mind ain’t no fairytale either.”
I laugh at that. “Really? Because from where I’m sitting lately, half the time it seems like you don’t even like sex. You back out of hooking up all the time lately.” No shame in that, but I need him to vent to me about it or something.
“Yeah,” he scoffs, but it comes out sounding like a pathetic laugh. “I do.”
“Why?”
“Because it weirds me the fuck out to go off somewhere with a complete stranger just to fuck and leave. It never used to bother me, but it makes me uncomfortable lately. Lame, I know, but I can’t help it.”
I tilt my head at him. “You did it the other night when we went to that hotel room.”
“Because you were there. You aren’t a stranger. I literally picked those two because I knew it’d rope you into coming with me.” He shrugs. “It just puts me off now, like it’s awkward and I can’t get into it.”
I shove him in the shoulder. “Why didn’t you tell me that?” I fire his own question at him. “I’m your best friend!” I laugh at the hypocrisy of this conversation.
“Because it’s embarrassing!” He laughs. “I’m too much of a coward to get laid because I’m scared of the awkwardness.” He blushes, taking another drink. “Oh my god, I’m such a fucking twat.”
“My twat.” I laugh. “Maybe you need a steady girlfriend. No more random hookups, yeah? I swear to fuck if she takes you from me though, I’ll scare her off. We’re a package deal.”
He chuckles, running his hand through his blond hair. “I don’t really want that. I like the thrill of it, I just hesitate at the last minute. I want it, but I back out because I get weird. It feels better when you’re there. Even tonight. Tonight would never have happened if you weren’t here.”
“You actually want me there during your hookups?”
“Kinda,” he admits, looking at the floor. “Fucked, eh?”
Nah. I’m down with it. “I’ll always be your wingman, bud. You should have told me.”
“You should have told me you’re… flexible.” He pauses. “Open? Bi? Pan? Fuck, whatever you are. Whatever term.”
“No label.” I shrug.
In true Remy form, he asks exactly what’s on his mind. “Have you fucked a guy?”
I pour us each a shot. “No.”
“Would you?”
“I guess. I’d fuck anything if it was hot enough and the mood was right.” I laugh.
“You are always about that vibe,” he agrees, clinking his shot glass with mine. “Do you prefer guys?”
“No. It doesn’t really have anything to do with gender. It’s the mood, the moment, and the atmosphere, you know? Something like that. If it’s hot and kinky and the vibe is right, I’ll go for anything.” I don’t really have a better explanation than that.
“So you don’t just walk down the street and check people out and think, hey, I wanna fuck that one? Guy or girl or anything else?”
“Yeah, I do. Sometimes. But even sexy people are shitty at sex, so if they’re hot but the mood ain’t right, I’m not into it no matter what they look like.” I smirk at him. “Those hotel chicks were hot, but you’re the one who set the mood right, Rem.”
He grins at me. “Well, you’re welcome then. Your orgasms were on me that night.”
I burst out laughing. “Damn right they were.”
“So, you’re saying I’m hot, right?” He jokes.
“Your vibe is hot,” I agree. I take the shot and laugh again. “Yeah, Rem. You’re hot shit. And you know it, which makes you hotter. Cocky. That’s why we run a strong game.”
He bumps his fist to mine. “Just tell me shit from now on, Zahn. Alright?”
“Alright. You’re such a needy bitch.” I hook my arm around his neck. “Same goes for you. If you’re scared of stranger’s houses, I’ll come hold your hand.”
“Fuck you.” He shoves me again, laughing.
Glad that bullshit conversation is out of the way. I feel pretty good about it.