Chapter 7
After a long day and a video meeting with that flight company out of Canada, I’m finally home and sitting around the dinner table, trying to keep up with the family bullshit. We have a flight early tomorrow morning, so I’m trying to take it easy for the night and actually get a full eight hours of sleep.
“Well, if Zahn didn’t have to jerk off every time he had a shower, there’d be a hell of a lot more time for the rest of us,” Kade accuses, like he isn’t guilty of the same thing.
“Fuck off, Kade.” Kolt, of all people, comes to my defense. “You jerk off more than anyone.”
“Not since Laken.” Kade smirks like a badass.
“Throw her in our faces some more, asshole,” Bass scoffs.
“Where is Lakes?” I ask. Wouldn’t mind talking to her about a few things.
“Not gonna happen, Zahn. Beautiful or not.” Jed glares at me.
Wasn’t where I was going with that, but I give him a cocky grin anyway. Damn right I’m beautiful.
“She’s with Gar,” Mom answers, and my mind dips into different gutters. “We can look at renovating the basement to add another shower down there. Happy?”
“Wouldn’t be a problem if you twats lived in your own houses.” Dom points his fork at Jed and Kade specifically.
I kind of hope they say no because as much as it sucks for showers when everyone is home, I love it when we’re all here. Having Laken’s ass around isn’t a bad thing either, and with her comes Gar. Mm, Gar.
“I’ll look for a place,” I offer. “Probably time.”
“No.” Mom jumps right back in, unwilling to lose us all at once. “No one is moving out because of the bathroom situation. Sure, you can all get your own places, but there better still be a lot of times when you’re all here.” She gives us all a stern look. Aw, she doesn’t want her babies to fly the coop.
“Fine by me,” Hardin says. “You can get up with my kid in the middle of the night.”
I tune them all out as they start laying into Hardin for being a lazy dad and a wimp who can’t keep up with Freya’s sex drive. Kind of love that he’s taking all this shit, though. Finally his turn.
I really do want to get a place of my own, though. I love it here, and I plan to be back all the time, but it would be nice to have a space of my own. Somewhere I could get up to all my kinky fuckery without anyone saying shit about it. Or barging in on it. The Dare house is full of openness, but one thing it doesn’t have is privacy. I’m all for sexy shows, but I don’t want to bring random people here. Not my style. This is my sanctuary, and no one is allowed to ruin it.
I take a deep breath, feeling like I need to take a beat again. What the hell is going on with me? Mom was right; I never need to take a beat. My head is all messed up lately, and I just need a minute to breathe or something. Getting up and going out front, I avoid the cigarettes this time and simply try to sort my shit out.
I’m not typically the type of person to get affected by anything, especially my own mind. I have a feeling I’m just comparing myself to my brothers. They’re all starting to settle down, and I’m nowhere near close to being ready for that. Do I want it someday? Sure. But I have no clue what that even looks like for me, so maybe the fear of not knowing is what’s putting me off.
Can I settle down with one person? Do I want something like Cody and Cara have? I think I’m leaning more towards something like that, but again, I don’t know how to go about finding it or if I’m even ready to start looking for it. How do I take their advice and start looking for that one person I want involved in all my life’s adventures? That one person I always want around, living life alongside me, up for all the explorations and uncertainties as long as we always have each other? Does a person like that exist for me?
Who the hell will be able to handle the jumble of my messed up mind?
I’m a lot to handle, I know that. Only Remy and my family members have stuck it out thus far, and I’ve always been content with that. I’ve never really needed anyone else as a constant in life because I have them. But now that I’m watching everyone get into relationships, I’m thinking about it, and I’m overthinking about it. Because not only am I a lot to handle, but so is my family and their voyeuristic ways. But what I might want is a complicated equation that won’t be cool with a lot of people. And it’s not like I have any one specific person in mind for myself. I don’t have a dream person or a list of traits I want someone to have. My mind is always changing. Like I said, I enjoy variety.
“Hey, Zahn.”
Wrapped up in my own shit, I look up to see Laken walking up the front steps. She sits down with me, lighting a smoke. I turn down her offer for one.
“Thought you were staying at Gar’s?”
She shrugs. “Yeah, well, only Gar can pick up at a wildlife rehabilitation center. I left him to his own fun for the night.”
Damn, jealous of whoever he picked up. “You and Gar ever…?”
“Nope.”
“Hmm,” I muse, honestly surprised by that. “I figured you might have when you were traveling together for a few months. You’re pretty open-minded, so I assumed you could keep a friendship even after sex.”
“Never wanted to cross that line with him.” She shrugs. “Both of us, actually. I’m all for being open with him about anything, but there are some limits we don’t want to cross. He’s my best friend, and neither one of us needs to be looking at the other like that. Keeps us safe and happy.”
“Me and Rem fuck around all the time. Not with each other, but in the same place.” I shrug. “He’s still my best friend.”
“Would you fuck him?” she asks, laughing. “Because that’s basically what you’re asking me.”
Not the best time to be asking me that question. “I’m open too, I guess.” I grin at her.
“I know.” She leans back and smokes. Unattractive habit, but we all have our vices, I guess. She isn’t even looking at me, but the way she said it makes me feel like she really does know. Like she gets me. Understands me without pressure to explain it. No wonder everyone always goes to her with their shit. She’s comfortable. Maybe it’s my turn to confide in her.
“You think it’s possible for someone to settle down with one person even though they want everything else to change constantly?” I ask, probably not very clearly.
“In what way?” Laken asks.
I explain Cara and Cody’s relationship and tell her I might want something like that, but I’ve never met someone who makes me want more with them.
Laken takes her time thinking about it, then asks, “Do you believe in the romantic notion of love? Like the romance, the sappy love stories, the ‘in love’ feeling?”
I lean back and try to decide how I feel about it. “I mean, yeah. I guess I believe in it because I see you guys like that. I see the people around me in love, so it makes me believe in it. Mom and Dad are the picture of that definition.”
She nods to agree, but waits for me to finish with the second part of my answer like she knows it’s coming.
“But I don’t know if I believe in it for myself, you know? Maybe, but I’m not really looking for that. I don’t even know if I want that shit. Or need it. You know?” I look at her.
She nods again. “What about connection, though? Take romance right out of it. Someone who you relate to, love being around, connect with, trust, and confide in. Someone you want to spend a ton of time with, and whenever you’re with them, you feel complete, at ease, and whole, even without the romance part. Do you believe in that?”
“With family, yeah. Friends.”
“Maybe that’s the kind of connection you’re looking for.” She puts her smoke out and leans forward, talking to the snow instead of me. “Maybe you need to stop trying so hard to be like everyone else and find what suits you.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know. Only you can figure that out. Love looks different for everyone, and it feels different to everyone. There’s no one way to love someone. Just because most of the world is monogamous doesn’t mean you have to be. And just because most people look for their ‘happily ever after’ doesn’t mean you have to chase the same thing. You’re allowed to flip the script and search for whatever you want, even if you don’t know what it is yet. You’ve never been the same as everyone else, so why does it surprise you that you have a different outlook on love, too?” She shrugs. “What do you want, Zahn?”
Okay, feeling less pathetic about this conversation now. She’s definitely the go-to person for a reason. She’s a mini-mom.
“I guess I want, like… a bond with someone. Understanding and acceptance. A connection that’s deep but isn’t solely focused on that romantic kind of love. I like love, but it doesn’t have to be all romantic, right? I want variety and excitement, and I want …”
“Someone to share it with,” she finishes for me.
“Yeah.” I guess that pretty much sums it up. That’s what I want. Someone to share a bond with. “Where the fuck do I find that?” I laugh.
Laken laughs, stretching her arms behind her head to look out at the water. “I don’t think it’s as hard as you imagine it is. Closer than you think.” She’s giving me advice without giving me an answer.
“Mom taught you well, you deceptive little shit.”
Laken grins.
Remy has his serious face on, and I’m not sure what to make of it. After a meeting with that Canadian flight company, we’re out for dinner and drinks, and he seems like he’s got another business arrangement on his mind. So, naturally, I’m gonna let him sweat it out until he works up the balls to say it.
I order another pitcher of beer, and about the time I’m pouring us each a new one, he opens his mouth.
“Alright, Mr. Variety,” he starts with a hell of an opener. I laugh and he smirks, the nerves settling. “I have an idea.”
“Uh oh.” I laugh, leaning back and tossing my napkin on my empty plate. “Rem’s got an idea.”
“Fuck you.” He shakes his head at me, licking his lips. I don’t know why he’s so nervous. We’ve had a million bad ideas over the course of our lives together, but even better, we’ve had a few awesome ones.
“Don’t be shy, baby,” I tease. “Whatever magic you’re working up in there can’t be all that bad.” I grin at him.
He throws me the finger, but it’s Remy, and he won’t back out because of a little goading. “You want variety, and I want company. In hookups. Variety and company.”
He’s spelling it out for me, hoping I’ll say it. I won’t. I sip my beer and smile around the rim.
“An arrangement,” he blurts. “You and me. Like the game we’ve always run together, but we stick together this time. You get to watch and feel the energy, and I don’t have to go to strangers’ houses all by myself,” he pouts the last part, mocking himself. “Yeah?”
“A fuck buddy arrangement where we don’t fuck, but we buddy up?”
“Yeah.” He laughs. “Don’t even try to act like you aren’t in.”
“Oh, I’m in.” I smile at him, loving him for suggesting this. “How about we start right now?” I nod at the table behind Remy. Two hotties have been eye-fucking him from behind since we sat down. “Ready to have your hand held on the way there, bud?”
He mutters another fuck you at me, but he slaps on his winning grin and flashes those baby blues, and we’re off to the races.
Except…
Something isn’t going to plan. We’re back in their room, and things have been hot and steamy, but now I’m watching the bathroom door close, and Remy is shrugging at me as it blocks his view of me. His girl got shy and wanted some privacy, and I don’t know why that’s messing with me so much.
I try to get my head back in the game, paying attention to my partner and nothing else. She’s hot, fun, feisty, and putting out the right vibes, so I should be able to shake this shift in plan off and enjoy her. She’s on her knees after being all sexed out, sucking my cock as her final act. She’s amazing at it, and I’m right there, ready to give in and end this night with a bang.
But I can’t come.
Until Remy and his girl come out of the bathroom and I catch sight of them in the mirror’s surface. Naked, he bends down to grab his boxers, and when he looks up, eyes meeting mine, there it is.
The orgasm hits at just the right time—before things got weird, and so it’s not too obvious that it was the added bodies in the room that did it.
“Hey, Zahn?” She stands up, tilting my chin down to look at her. “I’m around tomorrow if you guys want to meet up again. It’s my last night here.”
“Yeah, maybe.” I blow her off, not sure if Remy will be up for another turn with these two, especially after it didn’t go to plan with our new arrangement.
“Riley won’t be here,” she says of her friend. “Just me. And the two of you, if you want. The three of us.” She smirks, almost like she knows I’d have no problems fucking around with her and Remy at the same time. Wait, not with Remy. With her, with Remy. She passes me her number and tells me to let her know.
I give her a kiss on the cheek after getting dressed, and Remy pushes me out the door.
Now my mind is running with the prospect of a threesome with Remy and her. I don’t even know her name, but… would Rem be up for that?