Chapter 19
We didn’t talk about it.
There are words that need to come out, but for the first time in my life, I’m thinking them through before saying them aloud. Remy stayed quiet about the kiss of my life on the flight back to the airfield, using the engine and a broken radio set as an excuse. But maybe that was a good thing. Maybe we needed the time to process.
Because holy fucking shit, did we kiss.
Best blowie of my life belongs to Remy. Best kiss of my life belongs to Remy. What the hell am I supposed to do with that?
How is everything so fucking good with us? Is it just the heat of the moment? If I walked up to him right now, would the kiss be as electric? I chug whiskey to stop myself from trying it out.
We’re at my parents’ house. They’re out of town for the weekend, so naturally, a bunch of people ended up coming over, and now the house is full, the music is loud, and the drinks are going down a bit too easily. My brothers are all here, some friends from town, but all the Dare partners are out at some ladies’ night thing in town. Even Liam went with them, so this place is a damn sausage party.
I’ve barely eaten today, so my stomach sloshes around with a mix of booze that probably shouldn”t swim together, but whatever. I don’t have to get up early tomorrow.
“You good?” Four asks me, filling his own tumbler. “You look wrecked.”
Yeah, being drunk and confused basically makes me wrecked. “Just tired.” That old excuse. “I’m getting too old for this shit.”
Four smacks me on the shoulder. “I’m older than you, fucker, and I’m still going strong. You need to buck up.”
“Gen must not be getting your best efforts then. She did throw you under the bus for not pleasing her enough. I’ll never forget that.” I smirk at him.
“Of course you won’t. I’ve made up for that tenfold. I was trying to be respectful and not go all barbarian on her ass.”
“She likes barbarian,” I say, laughing. “Kade in particular.”
“Fuck you.” He smacks me again. “Who you pleasing these days? You have someone constant?”
My eyes naturally shift to where Remy is standing with Jed and the twins. He does look tight tonight. That messy blond hair peeking out from under a hat, a pair of dark jeans, a simple black t-shirt, tattooed arms flexing every time he brings his glass to his mouth. Fuck, that mouth.
Four smacks me for the hundredth time. “Are you fucking serious?” he asks me, appalled.
“What?” I look away from Remy.
“Shit getting kinky with you and Rem? You just eye-fucked him, man.” He widens his accusatory glare at me, lowering his voice. “I know you two have been running a game, but… what else?”
Remy’s sexuality and his secrets are his… but my brothers are my brothers, and I’m not one to keep shit from them. Can I tell Four without betraying Remy? Well, logic tells me there’s a ton of shit on my conscience, and Four is standing right here, so…
“Bedroom,” Four says, pushing me towards it. I swipe the bottle of whiskey before we get too far. “Spill it, Zahn. I’m listening.” He closes our bedroom door behind him.
“I shouldn’t. Remy’s trust…”
“I’ll keep it to myself, but you gotta vent. Or offload a fuck ton of confessions or something. Let me be your priest.” He grins.
Big inhale. Slow breath out.
“You don’t get to make shitty comments.”
He grins. “Fine.”
We sit down on our beds, facing one another, swapping a bottle of whiskey back and forth. I’m not ashamed of what’s going on, but I’m confused about it, so if Four wants to be my priest for the night, I’ll take advantage and lay all my sins on him.
“Alright, so I was tied up and blindfolded.”
“Great start.”
I throw him the finger. “And it was hot as fuck. Not able to see who was doing what… yeah, I was into it. Well, after a shit ton of edging, I ended up getting the best blowie of my life. Like… I’m not even shitting you. It was a goddamn experience. I couldn’t shut up about it, and no one would tell me who gave it to me. Remy got sick of me asking about it, and then when we were stuck on St. Matthew, we got on each other’s nerves, right?”
“It happens.” Four nods.
“Well, I asked one too many times, and then Remy blurted out the answer.”
“Who was it?”
I tilt my head at him.
“Remy?” he gasps. “Fuck, for real? He just sucked your dick like that?”
“Yeah, I guess. He said it was the heat of the moment or whatever, and I don’t know if he would have done it if I wasn’t blindfolded, but fuck me, Four.” I bite my knuckles to convey how good it was.
“Shit,” he breathes. “Impressed. So, is he bi or something? Wait, are you bi? You’ve never really confirmed.”
“He’s not. Or he wasn’t. Think he’s confused now. He says I make him comfortable.” I take a swig and pass him the bottle.
“And you? Bi?”
“What do I need a damn label for? I’m just me. Flexible. Open.”
“Fair enough,” he agrees. “So, what happened when he told you?”
“We had a freakout.” I laugh. “Once I found out it was him, it all made sense, you know? Like, we have this awesome bond, and we do sex things together all the time, so of fucking course it’d be that good with him after all this time. I thought it’d freak me out and make things weird, but it’s only… spiced things up to a level I want to keep increasing.” I smile at my hands. “I want shit to keep going, but I don’t want to push him until he’s ready. We’re best friends.”
“What’s he think?”
“We agreed to keep things going. We keep each other consistent and add in new people when we come across them.”
“So, you’re basically dating Remy,” Four says, grinning. When I don’t say anything—because, fuck, am I?—he goes on. “Do you guys do shit together when it’s just the two of you?”
“No. We never have. Like, I fucking made out with him the other night, man! There were two chicks there, but as soon as… like holy shit, Four.” I shake my head, unsure how to convey the feeling. “When he kissed me, everything else went away. I hyper-focused on him and my dick, and that was about it. There could have been a pussy in my face and I wouldn’t have known.”
“So you tuned them out? The girls?”
“I guess. And when the one pulled him away from me, I got fucking mad. I just wanted to have him.”
“Have him how?”
Isn’t that the question of the fucking week. “I don’t know.” I laugh. “And I’ve never not known! He’s all up in my head and my fantasies and my spank bank, and now that he’s given me two of my best experiences, which sounds so fucking vanilla for me, but whatever, I can’t get him off my mind. I’ve never kissed anyone like that before. It felt like…”
“More?” Four supplies.
“Yeah. More. Up until that blowjob and that kiss, all my sexual experiences have been physical. I get swept up in the vibe, get super into shit, give it my all, have a great time, and that’s it. But with him, it’s just deeper. Like… don’t fucking laugh at me, but it’s soul-level shit.”
He laughs anyway. Asshole. “Sorry.”
“No you’re not.”
“No, I’m not. But it makes sense. You and Rem have that kind of bond. It’s just getting deeper now. Does it freak you out?” he asks.
“Fucking right it does,” I admit. “I’ve never wanted consistency before, and now I’m all obsessed with him. And the feelings aren’t clear. I’m just obsessed, but I don’t know if it’s a sex thing, a friendship thing, or a something else thing. I don’t really know what I want to happen with him, but I know I want him there for everything. He thought he crossed a line with the blowjob. He felt so guilty about it, but inside, I was thanking whatever crossroads demon I made a deal with that he did it because it obliterated that line and now I never want to go back on the other side of it.”
Four takes a drink and leans back. “Alright, so have you talked about it?”
“No.” I laugh. “After that hot make out, we bottled up and avoided it.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m delaying telling him how fucking good it was,” I say.
To be honest, when that chick pulled him away from me, there was a primal instinct inside me that wanted to lock them out of the room and fuck Remy. Like actually fuck him. I thought about it. Fantasized about it. Felt like shit for even thinking it. I’ve never even been with a guy like that. I’m not against it, but I’ve never been one to seek it out, so it hasn’t happened. But now I’m premeditating that shit with Remy, of all people?
“You sound possessive,” Four says, and I don’t deny it. “I’ve never seen you get possessive over anything but a bottle of good whiskey. Never. You aren’t the possessive type.”
No, I’m not, but I’m changing a lot lately.
“Want a suggestion?” Four asks, and I groan. “Hey, it’s a good one!”
“Give it to me.”
“Kiss him again. Without the heat. Without the moment. Without any sex going on around you. No atmosphere and no sexual vibe. Just kiss him and see what you feel.” He shrugs like that’s just basic common knowledge.
It’s a good suggestion. It’d give answers I’ve been seeking. “Fuck, Four. Gen’s really making you soft.” I’m at my limit and need this confession session to end.
He picks up on that. “I know. I’m so deflated, but she’s worth it.” Damn right she is. “I need to work out with Jed more. Kade’s getting too tough.”
“Right? That’s what I’ve been saying. It’s hard to even pick on him anymore.” I laugh.
“Guess we’ll shift our focus to Kolt.”
“Deal.”
We get up to head back to the living room. Four looks at me as we walk down the hall.
“What?” I ask.
“Is Remy your Gar?”
Shit, is he? Everyone has a boner for Gar. My boner’s pointing right at my blond best friend these days. I smirk, not even ashamed of that.
After finally eating something, I sober up a bit and actually have some fun without worrying about anything. Am I still watching Remy from across the room? Sure. But maybe I’ve always done that. Maybe. I don’t know. When the girls and Liam get home from their night out, happy and drunk, I can’t decide who to creep on more. Laken, Nina, Gar or Remy.
Nina’s got something special going on. I’m pretty sure she wears the dominant pants in her relationship with Bo, and there’s something intriguing about the way she carries herself. And Laken is a tiny package of pure sexiness with an even bigger heart, and the way her aqua eyes light up with challenge when she looks at pretty much anyone or anything she can try to conquer or figure out intrigues me. Gar’s just Gar. No further explanation needed. Hot damn. Before I get to slide my gaze to Remy, Kade walks up and slams his empty glass on the island.
“Told you to keep your eyes off my girl, asshole.” He steals my drink and once again proves that he’s becoming more badass than he’s worth. “Fuck, she looks hot tonight, though, eh?”
Kade watches Laken from across the room like he’s going to threaten her at any moment. When she glances at Kade, her eyes dare him to try, and holy shit. “How do you not blow your load in ten seconds with that level of game?” I ask, laughing, but honestly wanting to know.
It’s the game I live for. A vibe. They have it. And Laken’s vibe with Jed is just as intense, but with a completely different feeling. I’m wondering what kind of energy Remy and I make, if we make any.
Kade watches Laken with darkness in his eyes but a smirk on his lips and softness on his face. “The first night I had sex with her, after pining for her for so fucking long, she got mad at me.”
“Why?”
“Because I wasn’t as aggressive as she’d hoped for. I’d spent so much time taming myself down, trying to compare myself to Jed, that I forgot who I was there for a second. So I turned into the biggest asshole she could envision. She ended up tying me up and having her way with me to prove she was just as tough as I was, and after that, I promised that I’d never try to be anyone other than who I am for her. Because of that one little promise I made to myself, it keeps me from coming too fast because… because that’s not our game, and I’ll keep her living up to my expectations while I live up to hers forever.”
Jesus. Sappy fucking bastard. I knew he had a big ol’ soft heart in his chest, and even though his confession is about sex, I know he means it about life with her, too.
“Happy for you, Kade. You knew what felt right and you fucking went for it. Hit the jackpot with Laken.”
He doesn’t look at me, but he says, “With Jed, too. Shit wouldn’t be the same without him. Without all three of us.”
He means it. I can tell. I want to ask him a bunch of questions about how he knew it felt right and what it feels like to be in something so new that society is only just starting to accept it. But I don’t because he’s Kade and I’m Zahn, and I’m supposed to harp on him and never stop.
“You’re a badass, Kade. Love ya.” I settle somewhere in the middle.
“Don’t fucking kiss me.” He shoves me away, but I manage to plant a sloppy one on his cheek, making him laugh. “Fuck, you’re gross.”
A few hours later, I’m tipsy but not drunk, and being kicked out of my own bedroom.
“Sorry, Zahnder!” Gen shouts.
Whatever. I want to be with Remy anyway, so I head down to the basement to sleep with him on the couch. It’s nothing new, but my intentions for wanting to be near him might be.
He’s on his back in the dark room, the TV on low and his eyes closed. But like fuck am I going to let him sleep while I’m needy. I sit right the fuck on top of him.
He groans. “Fuck. Don’t you have a bedroom?”
“Got kicked out by Genevieve,” I lie. It was Four.
Remy laughs, shifting to balance my weight. “You need your own place.” After a few failed attempts, he pushes me off and sits up next to me. He isn’t wearing a shirt, and his tattooed chest looks sharp and angular in the flashing lights of the TV. Maybe I really do need to hit the gym with Jed more often. “What?” he asks, catching me gawking.
Okay, I’m comfortable enough to be bold. “You think it was hot as fuck when we kissed?”
He swallows as his eyes widen, and he pushes up on his elbows to sit even straighter. But because he’s Remy, and we have this level of comfort, he doesn’t look away from me or get shy. “Yeah.” He nods and shrugs together, then his hand goes through his hair and I watch his biceps. “You?”
“Yeah.” I get comfortable and lean my head against the back of the couch. “I don’t know what it all means, though.”
He matches my position next to me. “Means?”
“Yeah, like why shit feels so good with you. Is it just us getting caught up in the moment? Is my mind getting so fucked up that I’m starting to crave the wrong things?”
“Why’s it wrong?” His voice sounds cute, and that’s not a thought I’ve ever had while talking to him. He’s hesitant and bold, and the combination in his tone is fucking adorable.
“Because you’re my best friend. Because you aren’t gay or bi or pan or anything. Because we’re risking it all by getting down and dirty together, but I don’t really wanna stop either, which makes me feel like I don’t respect our friendship. But it’s not that. It’s that I respect our friendship so much that I think we could survive anything. But mostly, it’s because all this shit is so confusing. Like… where did it come from?” I tilt my head to the side, looking at him.
His blue eyes are already on me, and all the questions he has are swirling around in their depths. “From our lifelong hookup game,” he says.
“Yeah, but you aren’t attracted to guys, Rem.”
“Neither are you, according to what you said. You claim it’s just the situation, and why can’t I be the same?” His hands slap his blanket-covered thighs. “Yet here we both are in a basement with hard dicks and no idea what to do with them.” He smirks, not afraid to call it how it is.
I laugh. “You’re not wrong.”
He sighs. Or groans. A combination of both. “You’re right, okay? I’m not bi. I never thought I was, anyway. But a while back, I started looking at you differently. I thought maybe it was because you were the only guy super involved in all my hookups, but even when Cody was there, it’s not like I looked at him that way. Just you, and I don’t know what it means or why it happened, but I’m not really that put off by it anymore. I don’t know if it’s just our chemistry, if I think you’re hot or not, or if I admire you because of your openness, but it’s there, and it’s not really going away.” He shrugs. “Maybe I’m just attracted to your shitty personality.” He laughs.
I smile at that. “Yeah, but you’ve always known my shitty personality and never felt like this before. This is new, right? For both of us?”
He nods. “Completely new. I mean, I’ve admired you before when we hooked up at the same time, but I’ve never really been… whatever this is.” He shifts his weight, facing me. I love that this conversation is light in tone. It means more this way. It’s a touchy topic, but we’re handling it without anything negative tainting it, and that is what I love about Remy. “It all feels different now,” he adds.
So different, but oddly good. “You wanna know something fucked?” I ask, already listening to the start of his laugh. “I do have a hard dick right now. I thought it might have been because my mind was going a bit wild earlier, or maybe because of Nina or Gar, but nah. It’s because of you in that fucking get-up.” I point to his clothes on the floor. “And I wasn’t going to admit that, but you look good tonight, and yeah… hard situation going on.” I pat my crotch. “And I don’t know if it’s sexual attraction or if I’m just picking up on it because you’re in my sex fantasies now or what, but it happened. You got my dick hard.” I laugh. “Sorry.”
Guess Remy is my priest tonight too. His eyes are narrowed and his lip is wedged between his teeth, deep in thought. About what?
“Take your pants off,” he says without any grace. “And your shirt.”
“Right now?” I laugh, a thrill sparking up inside me.
“You like watching, right? And we’re both half-ass attracted to each other, so let’s watch each other.”
“You wanna watch me jerk off?” I raise a brow while my dick rises in my pants.
“I wanna jerk off together and watch each other. Not like we haven’t seen it before anyway. Hurry up. Get naked before I chicken out.” He gets pushy, and yeah, I’m into bossy Remy.
Fucking push me harder, bud.
“Alright,” I tease, undoing my pants. “But you’ve had my cock in your mouth before. You sure you’re gonna be able to keep your hands to yourself?” I grin at him.
“Fuck around and find out, Zahn.”
Fuck yes.