Chapter 20
Zahn lifts his shirt over his head, my eyes snagging on his abs. He’s been bitching about not being in as good of shape as Kade lately, but fuck me, he’s cut and toned and looking pretty damn good to me. I lift my gaze from his abs and admire the tattoo on his left shoulder and pec; it’s our company logo, and I have a matching one in the same place. Kade did them before he was even an apprentice, and I’ve become so accustomed to looking right through mine that it jars me to see how perfectly it fits on his skin.
I look down again when he undoes the fly of his jeans. I may have suggested this colossal mistake, but Zahn’s going to taunt me through the whole thing. His green eyes blink, drawing my attention to his face, and when he smirks at me, I know he’s going to enjoy every fucking second of trying to beat me at whatever game we just stepped into.
I give my dick a little rub through the material of my boxer briefs. Two can play that game, and I’ve never had a hard time measuring up to his bullshit. Zahn’s grin widens into a smile when he lifts his hips and pulls his jeans off.
Am I really into him physically or is it just this tense build-up we always seem to find ourselves in? I even tried checking out a few other guys, but nothing really sparked my interest. Not like this. Not like he does.
Zahn stands up, kicking his pants all the way off. Standing in nothing but a tight pair of black boxer briefs, he bends over, ass in my face, folding his fucking jeans like he’s ever done that a day in his life.
I won’t let him get the upper hand. “You need porn to set the mood?” I ask, almost as a dare. “Something to look at?”
Turning to face me, his hands skim the bulge still hidden behind the black material. “I’ve got something to look at.” He nods at my junk. “Take ‘em off, Rem.”
I’m not going to lie and say that it isn’t terrifying to be challenged this way while we’re completely alone for the first time. It’s scary. Intimidating. Risky because we have a lot to lose. But I feel the same way Zahn does. When he said that shit about our friendship surviving anything, that felt right to me, too. Maybe it’s because I have so much faith in us as friends, or maybe it’s my cock clouding my judgment, but either way, I’m not willing or ready to back out of this without figuring something out first. I’m either into this or I’m not, and this is how I find out if it’s the heat of the moment while we’re in the midst of a hookup, or if it’s something between the two of us.
I keep my eyes right on his and reach into my boxers. My dick is at full mast, and that already means something. I wrap my fingers around the length of it, giving myself a few warm-up strokes. Then I pull the material away and let Zahn look his fill.
My adrenaline level spikes.
His eyes narrow, turning darker as he fine-tunes his attention to my hand on my cock. It feels better than it should to be the center of his attention. It brings me back to that kiss in the hotel room, and the primal way he growled when Jess took me away from him. My temperature spikes at the memory of it, but my skin goosebumps at the electricity of Zahn’s eyes on me now.
“See something you like?” I taunt him, hoping to gain the upper hand. “Come on. Take those off. Let’s go.”
He’s still standing when he slides the material down his legs to settle at his feet. The audio of his dick slapping against his abs makes me choke on a groan, and Zahn isn’t too far gone to notice. He grins at me. “Knew you’d wanna taste me again, Rem,” he says. All cockiness. All bravado.
“Just sit the fuck down,” I snap at him, grabbing his wrist and tugging him down. He’s a righty and I’m a lefty, so this works out well. No arms to block views, no elbows clacking together.
“Hey, Rem?” he asks, voice dropping to a tenor that brings my goosebumps back. My eyes are on his hand as it slowly strokes his cock, his thumb swiping over the tip on every upstroke. Without planning to, my hand mimics his. “I liked it when that chick sucked us off at the same time. When our cocks touched, holy fuck.”
Precum leaks down the length of me. “Yeah?” I rub it into my skin, lubing myself up.
“When your cock was pressed against mine in her warm mouth. Mmm.” His moan has my thighs trembling. “You know what the hottest part was for me, though?”
I rake my eyes from his dick to his abs to his eyes and back down again. “What part?”
“When you forced her to take us deeper.”
Why is this so hot? Reliving one memory while making a new one we should never be making… It”s a thrill I’ve not experienced in a long-ass time. I don’t know what it is about this, but I’m pent-up and so into it, my sexuality isn’t even coming into play. Whatever is happening here, it’s what I want. I don’t care that he’s a man, my best friend, or the person I’ve known the longest. He’s hot, and he’s creating an exciting atmosphere that speaks to the sexual side of me, and I guess that’s all that matters.
“Zahn?” I’m panting, and I don’t even feel ashamed of it. “I gagged when I sucked your cock.” He fucking groans. “That’s why they covered your ears.”
“Ah, fuck,” he moans, and his hand picks up speed. “I wish I got to see it.”
“I didn’t even know I wanted to do it.” My abs clench and my hand finds the perfect tempo. “But as soon as I got on my knees, I couldn’t fucking stop. I liked how you felt in my mouth.”
“Jesus, Remy,” he chokes out on a hitched breath. “Best head of my life. I want it again,” he admits. “Really fucking badly.”
I look at his cock, watching him pump it in a loose fist. I can’t believe I sucked it. I don’t know why it’s making my mouth water talking about it now, seeing it again, remembering what it felt like to choke and gag on him. The saltiness of his leaking precum and the force of his whole body when the orgasm hit. I came in my boxers at the same time he did, and holy shit, I kind of want to do it again, too.
I’m already on the edge, my orgasm almost here. “I think… I’d…” I moan when a bead of clear precum glistens at the tip of his dick, instinctively licking my lips at the sight of it.
“You’d what?” He swallows, looking at my eyes.
“You know what.”
“Say it.”
He holds his breath, warding off his orgasm until I say what he wants to hear. This isn’t a game about winning and losing anymore. It’s a game of truth and dare, and right now, I’m all about the truth because no lie will feel this good.
Looking him straight in the eyes, I admit it. “I’d suck your cock again.”
A long, low groan reverberates through him. Cum drips down his cock and hits his stomach with force. His body jerks, his legs shake, and his head falls back against the couch. The sight of him in pleasure, coating himself in cum from my confession, does it for me.
Especially when he says, “I want to know what you taste like, Remy.”
“Fuck.” I slow my hand and watch myself come. I’m making a mess of myself, but the mess is sexy, and I don’t inhale until the last tremor echoes through me. “Fuck,” I repeat.
Zahn laughs, but it isn’t humorous. It’s exasperated and crazed, riddled with disbelief and a bit of hope. “Well, guess it’s not just the hookups,” he says, adding another laugh. “That was…”
“Yeah,” I agree. My head falls back and my skin sticks to the material of the couch.
“Why the actual fuck have we never jerked off together before?” he asks.
I grab his t-shirt from the floor and use it to clean myself up. “Because you never told me about this part of you. Still pissed about that, by the way.”
“It never came up!”
“Bring that shit up.”
He nods. “Yeah, fair deal.” He takes his shirt from me. “I have no idea what this is, but I’m kind of done being freaked out by it. Let’s just fucking wing it. That was hot, and… the shit we said… yeah.”
Even though we just jerked off together, my cheeks still flush at the things we said. Maybe this is enough self-discovery for one night.
“Well, let”s not say any more shit until we think it through,” I say, laughing. “Put on a movie or something so we can’t talk.”
Zahn laughs, but he does it.
Feels kind of nice to feel his body next to mine as we drift in and out of the movie, eventually falling asleep.
A gentle voice rouses me from sleep. “Zahn. Remy. Wake up, babies.” Rayne shuts the TV off and smiles at the two of us as we groan. “You have to be at the airfield in an hour.”
Okay, maybe we aren’t as adult as we think if his mom is still waking us up to get to our responsibilities.
When Zahn complains, his foot kicks me in the thigh, making me very aware of the boner hiding behind my boxers and under the blanket. Shit. Rayne better not notice.
“We don’t have to leave until ten,” Zahn grumbles.
“It’s nine.”
Jesus. My eyes open to study Zahn. He never sleeps past the sun. I don’t know what his deal is, but judging by the shocked look on his face, neither does he. “Nine? Me?”
Rayne laughs. “Come on. Get some breakfast before the dipshits eat it all.” She leaves us alone with the smell of bacon drifting down the stairs.
“It has to be the basement,” Zahn starts reasoning for his sleep-in. “Has to be.”
I’m not as concerned about his sleep as I am about my dick. “Your mom just saw my boner.”
“Mom has an uncanny ability to see boners as invisible. Poor Dad,” Zahn laughs.
Yeah, there are enough dicks getting hard in this house for her to ignore, one more won’t break her. “Get out so I can deal with this before I go up there.” I motion to my crotch.
“Shy now?” He smirks at me, climbing off the couch. “Night and day, Rem.” He leaves me alone, heading upstairs in nothing but his underwear, and I’m pretty sure there is cum on them.
After a shower and a release, I take a whole-ass minute to worry about my fire situation at home, decide there’s no time to do anything about it, and grab a to-go breakfast from Rayne as the rest of the Dares banter and bicker and fight over bacon and toast.
We make it to the airfield in time to meet the cargo plane and offload our supplies. Just based on our flights today, we won’t be back at the same time, and I won’t get to see Zahn again until tomorrow. That’s pretty typical, so I’m not sure why I’m hiding the weird look on my face from Zahn, facing into the wind just to give my cheeks a reason to be red.
“See ya tomorrow?” I ask him, cracking hand warmers to put inside my gloves. “We should find something fun to get up to this weekend.”
“We’ll have a planning session tomorrow.” He laughs like this is some big organization, when we both know winging it is more our style. “Hey, Rem?” he calls, using the question as the typical start to something ridiculous.
I face him, and he takes me completely by surprise. Zahn pushes on my chest until my back hits my plane, his green eyes lighting up like devilish emeralds, and then he fucking kisses me. Kisses me. Right in the open airfield, in broad daylight. I’m shocked by it, but I’m succumbing to it. It’s a gentle, subtle kiss full of fire and cold lips. I don’t know if he opens his mouth or if I do, but our tongues meet, and the contrast between hot and cold is enough to make me hold my breath. When he pulls back, grinning against my mouth, he laughs.
“What the fuck was that for?” I ask, not sure if I’m glancing around for someplace to do something dirty or if I’m acting like a filthy criminal.
“I just needed to know if it was all the heat of the moment.” His voice is pure gravel edged in playfulness, and my chest tightens up at the timbre of it.
“And?” I ask, desperate to know.
He smooths the front of my coat down before backing away. “It wasn’t.” With another grin, he climbs into his aircraft and puts on his headset.
It wasn’t.
Home alone, my fire is roaring, the TV is on, I’m eating awesome takeout food, and… it sucks. I’ve craved a night of doing nothing, but now that I’m doing it, I realize that I craved a night of doing nothing with Zahn. Which is making me feel all weirdly codependent, and I’m wracking my brain to find the source of when and where that became a thing.
I’m just about to start on my second slice of pizza when my phone goes off and the doorbell rings at the same time. I grab my phone as I stand, glancing at the preview of Zahn’s message.
Co-Pilot: Thank me later *devil emoji*
The fuck does that mean?
I find out when I pull open the front door and see a woman I—well, we—used to hook up with. Unease is my first reaction. Because this is Zahn giving me the green light to hook up without him, and while I knew that’d be the case, I’m not prepared for how it’s making my stomach twist up.
Again with the goddamn codependency. Ridiculous.
“Hey!” I hug her, smiling into her purple dyed hair. “Long time no see.”
“Zahn said you might be lonely.” She bats a set of painted lashes at me, and for some reason, that looks weird, too. Am I really just so familiar with Zahn’s naturally dark, makeup-free lashes that these ones look off to me?
My god. Her lashes are epic, so yeah. Appreciate them, Remy.
After sharing my pizza and deciding not to let this weirdness inside me win, I take Zahn up on his offer and get with the girl. There’s a moment of hesitation there for a bit when she asks me if I have a condom. I debate lying just to get out of it, but what the fuck reason do I have?
I’m hard. She’s eager. She’s beautiful. We know what this night is about. So, why the hell am I being weird about it just because Zahn’s not here? He even invited her to my damn house to appease my ‘awkwardness at other people’s houses’ thing. What a sexy sweetheart.
I’m doing this.
Which is why I find myself standing behind her in my bathroom, my condom-covered cock pounding in and out of her. But my asshole of a phone is sitting on the vanity, and my eyes are watching it instead of her, glancing at the damn thing like it’s going to save me from something I’ve never needed saving from before. He’s not going to text me. He’s stuck in a lodge, waiting for a shipment so he can come home to me.
To me?
That kiss really fucked me up this morning.
My lips are tingling from the memory of it, and my mind is spinning at the meaning of it, and my whole pathetic body is going through motions it wants to be doing but doesn’t know how to perform without that prick here. Like… what the fuck?
And now I’m being the worst kind of dick because, even though we’re using each other for mutually agreed upon sexual gratification, she’s not getting the best of me because my mind is in airfields and gutters and basements, thinking about tattoos and dicks instead of pussy and tits.
She moans, so I must have done something right. The sound is sexy enough to jar me back into my body. My fingers dig into her hips and my thrusts pick up depth and speed, drawing another one of those moans out of her.
“Ah, Remy,” she moans.
But that one fucks me up. Because Zahn did that. He moaned my name, and now it sounds different, too different, coming out in a sultry feminine whisper. I used to love that sound. I do love that sound!
I’m fucking a woman while thinking about literally anything else. Comparing her to a man who is supposed to only be my best friend. Guilt is a bitch, and while the sex is consensual, my complete ignorance of her presence isn’t, and I can’t stop feeling like the biggest douche about it.
“Wait.” I hold her hips steady. “I can’t. I can’t do this.” Never, in all my adult or teen life, have I said that. I pull out, already scorching with embarrassment and shame. “I’m so sorry.”
“What’s wrong?” she asks, turning to face me. “Is it me?”
This. This is exactly why I can’t use her like this. I can’t crush someone else’s confidence just because I’m all fucked up in my head.
“No,” I promise her. I peel off the condom and hand her a towel to cover herself up. When she does, eyes refusing to meet mine, I palm both of her cheeks and swipe my thumbs under her eyes to clean up the stray makeup. “I promise you, it’s not you. My head is a mess. That’s all. I feel guilty because I’m all fucked up.” I give her an apologetic smile. “I’m so sorry.”
“What happened?” she asks, sitting on the vanity and not at all pissed at me like I thought she’d be. A little butthurt, but that’s to be expected. I just ruined her night.
“Someone is in my head,” I admit.
“Like the catching feelings kind of someone?” she asks, shyly smiling.
“I don’t know yet.”
“We can talk about it if you want.” She shrugs as I hand her panties to her.
“You’re amazing for even offering, but I think I need to sort it out in my head before I even attempt to talk about it.” I smile at her.
I walk her out, feeling shitty, but I think I made the right choice. I pack her up with two slices of pizza and a road beer and stand in the doorway until she pulls out of my driveway.
Time to wallow.
Because maybe I’m a bit confused about my own intentions. Did I mean it last night when I told Zahn—during the chase for orgasm—that I wanted to suck him off again?
I’ve never wanted to do that shit before. Not with anyone. Especially not with him. I’ve never even looked at a guy with anything other than admiration for the body they walk around in. Sexualities don’t just shift and morph on a whim, do they? And if they do, why is mine shifting because of my best friend?
I guess it’s not really that farfetched to think it’d be him. He’s my hookup buddy because I’m uncomfortable at other people’s houses, so it’s not that wild that he’s my comfort zone in something new and scary, too. But blowjobs? Jerking off together while no one else is there? Kissing me at the airfield?
Uhm, what?
I wouldn’t say I’m freaking out about it, but it is confusing the hell out of me. So, instead of wallowing, I decide to take some action and do a few little experiments of my own. I pull my laptop onto my lap, set down my beer, and bring up my trusty porn site.
I watch gay porn. Hot, but nothing but pointers.
I watch bi porn. Hot again, but my ears latch onto the moans and how different they sound.
I watch lesbian porn. Nah. Need a dick.
I watch threesomes, foursomes, orgies, group fucks, and a sketchy frat house initiation. My dick is hard, so watching sex does it for me, but my cum isn’t coating my hands because nothing is edging me quite enough.
But when I close my eyes and bring back the feeling of Zahn’s silky, hard length filling my mouth and blocking off my airway until I choked, a pulse of precum dribbles down my shaft. I swallow in phantom remembrance, my throat hugging the tip of his cock, constricting it until he moaned all deep and throaty.
Weirdly, when I recall that night, Cody and Cara aren’t even in my memories. They were the ones who encouraged me to actually do it, but I had tunnel vision on Zahn from start to finish.
When I finally come, slicking my abs and coating my hand, it’s from a slideshow of reels in my mind, showcasing all the times I watched him over the years, getting swept up in this energy to live in his world.
Okay, so it’s settled. I’m Zahn-sexual.