Chapter 25
I fucked up. Either by taking my worries out on him or by kissing him when I had no right to do it. Now Remy won’t take my calls, and he won’t unlock his door when I bang on it for a solid hour. So, I throw myself into work, doing double time to make up for Remy being off and one of our planes being down, and I help Four handle his anger towards Gen’s dad. The poor beautiful girl is a guilty wreck right now, and I can’t stop hugging her.
Her asshole of a dad came back with an ultimatum. Either she goes back to Georgia with him and makes good on her political duties during his campaign, in which he’ll pay her a million fucking bucks, or he denounces her as his daughter and sticks her with the bill for her medical school.
I wanna fucking murder that son of a bitch, and I’m not really a murdery kind of guy. For what he did to Remy, I want to shove the fire poker up his ass. And for what he’s now doing to Gen, I want to twist it until his insides fall out and he finally looks at someone like they’re more important than him. Fuck him for all of it! I almost lost Remy because of that fuck-up.
I’m lethal today. That bastard made me feel fear like I’d never known it before, and now that Remy won’t talk to me, I can’t let it go. I can’t cope with it and move on because I can’t physically see him to know that he’s okay. Maeve dropped him off a few things, but no one else has been invited in, and I’m really starting to worry about him.
There is no happy place inside me right now. I’m dirty-minded, not dark-minded, but for the past few days, I’ve been spiraling somewhere deep and dank, and I can’t claw my way out of it. My mood is shit, my sleep is terrible, and my temper is short.
Something happened to me while Remy was missing. A fissure opened in my chest and it won’t heal. The panic and pain I felt, not knowing if we’d pick up the distress signal close enough to where he went down was… soul destroying. I felt like I was dying, and I don’t even think I’m exaggerating. A part of me, the biggest part, would have died with Remy in that bush. He is my person, my constant, and my everything. He’s my best friend, confidant, business partner, and the only person outside of my family that I love.
He’s more. I love him in some new way, and I want to acknowledge that and make sure he knows how much he means to me, but I’m afraid I crossed a line he wasn’t ready to cross. I kissed him out of desperation, and not the sexual kind. I need to tell him that, come clean, admit to my feelings and how they’re changing, but let’s be honest: I fucking suck at the words part.
But I can’t do any of that while he’s blocking me out. So, fuck it. I’m not a thinker, I’m a doer, and it’s time that sexy blond prick lets me in. I’ll break in through a window or bust his damn door down if I have to, but I’m getting in there, and we’re hashing this shit out. Mostly, I just want to know that he’s okay.
I ignore every one of my brothers, their people, and my parents as I stand, knocking my chair back. I’m a man on a damn mission now. I throw on a random coat and shove my feet into two different boots, rooting through the key bowl for mine.
“Where the fuck are my keys?” I snap at nobody.
Then the front door rams into my shoulder, and I stumble back. It slams shut at the same time I notice my mouth is hanging open, and then I’m having a glare-off with the bastard I was just about to intrude on. He came. He showed up. He’s here.
“We need to fucking talk,” he snarls at me. “Now.”
I point at the door and he takes his boots off. Okay, guess we’re staying here. I take off the coat and boots and walk to my bedroom without another word. My family gets the hint and keeps their taunts to themselves. When we’re locked away in my room, I turn to face him, but he’s already talking.
“Why the fuck did you kiss me?” he asks bluntly. “Why’d you do it?” His eyes are like dark stormy skies instead of their normal vivid blue, and his chest is rising and falling like crashing waves.
This is what he wants to know? He glares at me, and I struggle to find all those words I just swore I was going to shout at him.
“Zahn!” he screams. “Why did you kiss me?”
“Because!” I shout at him, pent up and embarrassed and maybe a little scared that he’s going to push me away again. “Because I fucking needed to, okay?” I throw my arms wide to avoid hitting him. Or hugging him. Or turning away from him because I’m goddamn terrified of admitting the truth. “Because I thought I lost you, Remy. I was losing my… I thought I lost you, and it fucking broke me.”
“Because I’m your best friend?” he asks with pure accusation on his face. I have no idea what it means.
“Because you’re… more!” I shout, surprised with myself. “Because you’re…” I fumble for the right word, scared of saying it.
“Because I’m what, Zahn? I’m what?” He takes a calculated step closer to me.
Mine.
“I don’t know, Remy. I don’t know what fucking word to give to you. I don’t know what you are because I’ve never had this before. Fuck! Stop pushing me to label shit!”
Remy gives me a cruel and condescending look. “Pushing you?” Another step. He’s incredulous right now. “You’re the one pushing me, Zahn. You kissed me! Twice! Two separate times when we weren’t actively in the middle of something sexual. Tell me why!”
“Because I fucking crave you, okay?” Goddammit, I’m pathetic. “Because I needed to. Because I want you.” I don’t know if I’m on the verge of crying, running, or knocking him out, but something is building up inside me and I don’t know how it’s going to unleash. “I don’t know why, Remy, but I want you. I don’t even know how to make sense of this shit, but you’re the one I… need.”
“Sexually?” he asks, taking another step to eat away at the safe distance between us.
“In all the ways. I can’t picture life without you. Is that what you want to hear? So when I thought there was a fucking chance that I’d have to keep on living without you by my side, I broke the fuck down and didn’t know how to cope with that. So, yeah. I kissed you because I felt so much relief that you were okay, and I just needed to connect with you. Fuck. Sorry.”
He stops advancing, and my nerves get the better of me. Why’d he stop? Did I go too far? I just put it all out there, laid it all on the line, and all he can do is stare at me and stop walking? Oh, fuck him! I wind up and take a damn swing at him because it’s the only thing I can think to do. Remy dodges it easily, kicks my legs out, and lands on top of me on the floor. His hips pin me in place, and I struggle to break free simply because I feel too vulnerable beneath him.
“You’re such a dick, Zahn,” he seethes at me. Remy pins my wrists to the floor beside my head. “Are you fucking calm?” he asks.
“No.”
“Good.” And then his mouth is on mine and fire ignites, and the world tips to the right axis and my whole life puts itself back together.
I can’t breathe. I don’t want to breathe. I need him. Remy, and the security he brings me. The life we’ve lived and the intimidating way it’s changing. The fire and the passion that is impossible to replicate with anyone else, and the chemistry that meshes so well we’re a perfected science.
The way he kisses conveys the same level of desperation I felt on the side of the road the other day. He needs me as much as I need him, and finally realizing that forces me to relax and stop fighting it. This is an addiction. It’s codependency at its finest, and I don’t even care because it’s me and Remy like it always has been.
To taste him…
To feel his body against mine…
To control him and be controlled by him…
It’s all the reasons why our friendship works, and it’s all the reasons why something more shouldn’t, but fuck me if I’m going to let this opportunity pass me by. I have a goddamn thing for Remy, and I’m not denying it anymore.
Remy frees my hands and they instinctively grab his hips, bringing him closer. Our teeth clash and our breaths mingle, and the kiss deepens to a level that gets me drunk.
I never want this moment to end. I thought I lost him, and now he’s here, in my arms, all over my body, connected to me in the closest way I can get him. I never want to lose him again. I fucking need him.
“Fuck, Zahn,” he groans against my lips. “What is this?”
For the millionth time, I don’t know. It doesn’t need a label, though. It’s an instinct and a feeling, and that’s all it needs to be for now. I want Remy to be more than my best friend. I want him emotionally, mentally, physically, and fucking spiritually. There’s no part of himself I will allow him to deny me.
“Remy?” I grab his neck and push him back so I can look at his face. “I don’t know what we’re doing or where it’s going, but do you want this? Do you even want it?”
“I don’t even know what this is,” he says, breathing heavily. “But yeah. I want it.” His gaze shifts from my eyes to my mouth. He licks his lips and I feel him stiffen above me. “Actually, I want it right now. Need it.”
“How? What do you want?” I get bold and lift my hips, pressing my hard dick against his ass. “Because I fucking want it too, Remy.”
Remy groans at the feel of me pressed against him. His eyes turn hooded and his cheeks flush a little. I don’t know what he wants, and I’m sure he doesn’t know what he wants either, but I get a plan in place.
“I have an idea.” I flip us until he’s on the bottom and I’m sitting on top of his groin. I freely grind into him, dragging another groan from his throat.
“What idea?”
Anger and fear leave me, and desire and temptation take over. Our friendship is a sacred thing to me, but it’s changing, and there’s no denying that anymore. So it’s time to be bold. I grin at him, asking, “You’re good with our dicks touching?”
He swallows. “Yeah,” he admits, cheeks reddening even more. “Yes. Yeah. Fuck yeah. I want that.”
“Want what?” I grin again to keep the tone light and distract him from my fingers undoing the fly of his jeans. I’ve never undressed a guy before, but my hands are steady and my confidence hasn’t dipped.
“Don’t be a dick, Zahn.” He bats my hand out of the way and pops the button on my jeans open. “Just hurry the fuck up with whatever you’re doing.”
“So much trust,” I tease. Lifting up, I get my pants down while Remy shimmies out of his, and when our boxers are about to leave, our eyes meet. I expect a little hesitation, but instead, he hooks his thumbs in the band around my waist and looks down to watch my hard cock spring free. The heat in his eyes is all I need to get me back on track. I shove his boxers down his legs and Remy grabs my hips to pull me back against him. The barely restrained moans that leave both our lips are real.
“What’s the idea here?” he asks, not shy about thrusting upward to get some friction.
With my arms braced on the floor, I roll my hips and let our dicks slide together. Jesus fucking fuck, that’s good. “I’m going to jerk us both off,” I tell him in a breathy voice. “In one fist.”
He sucks in a harsh and shallow breath. “Fuck, Zahn. You keep rubbing on me like that and I won’t even make it to the one fist. Hurry up.”
“Yeah?” I double-check.
“Yeah.”
Guess he’s about to find out what frotting is.