Chapter 27
I’m a pacing, agitated ball of nervous fear as I walk the length of the front porch a few mornings later. I’ve never felt this vulnerable and terrified, and here I go, making it all about me again. God, I’m such a selfish twat. I need to get my shit together so I can be here for Remy when he needs me.
I’m Zahn fucking Dare, I don’t get vulnerable!
“Here.” Mom walks out and hands me a mug of coffee. I snatch it from her hand like a complete asshole. “Vent.”
I always thought I’d be able to resist her deep chats, but here I am, ready to spew all my fucking feelings at her like she’s going to make them better.
“He’s flying today!” I shout, worked up and antsy. “He’s going up in that fucking plane, and my chest feels weird and my mind is a mess, and my mind is never a mess! My hands are all tingly, and I don’t know what it means.” I take a gulp and curse at Karma for the burn of the hot liquid. “He’s flying today!”
“And he’s an excellent pilot,” Mom reminds me.
“I know he is,” I snap at her. I’m taking my fears out on her in the form of anger, but she doesn’t seem ready to leave just yet. “But I don’t like it. It’s too soon for him to go back.”
“For him or for you?” she asks. “Are you worrying for him, or are you being selfish and worrying about how it will affect you?”
“Why can’t it be both?” I glare at her like this is somehow her fault.
“It can be both,” she says. How does she remain so calm while we’re all being dicks? She knows it isn’t aimed at her, but still, she doesn’t deserve it. “But you have to be there for him first and foremost, which means you need to set your fears aside.”
I keep pacing with my coffee. “I asked that asshole a million times if he was scared, and he keeps saying he’s not.” Remy needs to get his head out of his ass. Anyone would be at least a little intimidated going back up in the air after a wreck.
“Then believe him,” Mom says. “And be there for him if he changes his mind.”
Word vomit. Here it comes, since the coffee is too hot to shut me up.
“He fucking crashed, Mom! He crashed in the middle of nowhere and was stranded there for three days while I sat around and tried not to believe he was gone.”
“Imagine how he felt.” She levels me with that truth.
“He’s… flying today, Mom. He’s flying. By himself. In the same kind of plane. With the same cargo. On the same route.”
“And?” she urges.
“And I’m fucking terrified.” I sigh. That’s the truth. I’m the one who’s terrified because I… he’s my Remy and I can’t lose him.
“Of what, exactly?” she asks.
“Of losing him.”
“So, what does that tell you?”
I scoff. “That he’s never allowed to fly again because I can’t handle it.”
“Try again.” She smirks.
“That he’s a fucking twat who needs to be more considerate of my feelings.”
“One more time.” Mom laughs.
“That I love that asshole and it scares the shit out of me.” There. “But I’ve always loved him, so why does it feel different now?”
Mom sips her coffee while she formulates an answer. “Well, for starters, because he got in an accident, and that naturally causes a little more trepidation. And on top of that, your love for him is changing, Zahn. He means something more to you than a best friend, and you don’t know how to feel about it.”
“I’m not in love with him.”
“I never said you were. Describe it to me, baby.” She gives me her undivided attention.
I don’t know how to describe it, but I’ll try. “It’s not all romantic and shit, you know? Like, I don’t want to go on dates and sprinkle fucking rose petals around the bed. But more like I want him in my life forever. By my side, doing shit the same way we’ve always done it, but with… more added on top. I want him in my corner, and I want to always be in his.”
Mom smiles but doesn’t say anything because she knows I’m not done.
“I think I want him to love me in a new way, but I don’t know if it’s that in-love thing. Maybe it is. I wouldn’t fucking know. I just want to know that no matter what happens in life, we’ve always got each other’s backs. Him and I stay solid, but variety can still come in the form of… sex, I guess. Maybe. Now I’m getting jealous of my own thoughts. Jesus fuck.” I groan. “Yeah, maybe I don’t want anyone else touching him unless I’m there. I just… want him and need him and feel differently about him than I do with anyone else.”
Mom sets her mug down and leans forward. “That’s why you’re terrified today, Zahn. Because even though it might not be romantic love, as you say, you’ve found someone you can’t live without. It’s exciting and scary because it makes you vulnerable.”
“I don’t want to be vulnerable.”
“Too late, baby.” She laughs. “You already are. Now smarten the fuck up and go be there for Remy today. Stop making it about you. Because guess what? He’s scared no matter how much he puts on a tough front.”
Fuck, I know he is. I know it. “Thanks, Mom.”
She winks and starts to walk inside.
“This is voodoo bullshit you do out here, Mom.”
She laughs. “Works every time.”
“What the hell, Zahn?” Remy scoffs as I throw my bag into the bush plane and climb in. “What’re you doing here?”
I climb into the passenger seat and put on a headset. “I’m coming with you.” I slam the door.
“Because you don’t think I can handle it?”
I look right at him, speaking my truth into his blue eyes. “Because I can’t handle it. Okay?”
His face softens for a second, and then he grins. “Fucking pathetic.”
“So pathetic,” I agree as he fires up the engines.
Whatever. I feel better about it. At least this way, if we crash and burn, we’ll get lost in the wilderness together. And I’m starting to think that, other than my family, Remy is all I need.
Fucking hell, I’ve changed.
The day goes by without a hitch. Remy even showed me where he went down. There was a slight wobble to his voice when he said it, but then he reluctantly thanked me for going with him on his first flight back.
Now we’re at my parents’ for dinner, and my mind isn’t even on the whole work day I wasted by going with Remy. Yeah, I’ve got some catching up to do, but it was worth it.
“You two fuck the other night?” Kolt outright asks across the dinner table. “Heard some screaming that didn’t sound like words.”
“Screaming?” Remy shakes his head.
“More like man moans,” Bass adds. “Sexy ones.”
Remy looks at me, and I shake my head. Because he should have expected this after he forced us to have that blowup in my bedroom. I can’t tell if he’s hesitant about sharing our information or okay with it. I mean, we did make some noise, and everyone was home, so it’s not like they can’t put two and two together to get a shady three.
“You gay, Zahn?” Bo asks.
They don’t even ease into it. No fucking class. “No.”
“He identifies as open,” Remy adds with a laugh. “Just open. Hates labels.”
“So? Did you two fuck around?” Dom asks again.
I drop my fork. “What makes you think you get to know—”
“Zahn jerked us both off,” Remy says while adding more food to his plate, not even looking at anyone. “Rubbed our dicks together. Real hot.”
I gape at Remy as everyone else throws money on the table from some bet they made. “Seriously?” I ask him. “You’re just fucking cool with these idiots knowing that?”
Remy steals my whiskey. “Oh, fuck off, Zahn. Like you didn’t spill our shit to half of them.” He points his fork at my brothers. “And I know you called Laken.”
“So did you!”
“Lakes!” Jed shouts at her. “You fucking knew?”
“So did you!” Laken shouts my words at Jed.
“So, how hot are we talking?” Hardin asks.
Remy looks at me to answer that one, but I huff out a condescending laugh. “You wanna be all bold and open then you can answer their bullshit questions.”
Remy grins at me before answering. “Fireball whiskey hot. First time I’ve had a load of cum all over my abs. Didn’t hate it.”
“Oh, good,” Mom says sarcastically. “We”re having glazed cake for dessert. Fits the theme.”
“Fits my theme,” Dom says.
Apparently, it fits ours now, too. Mom smiles at the two of us, getting up to get that cake.