Chapter 32
My first instinct is to go over there and start swinging. My second, less resourceful instinct tells me to look away and remind myself that Remy is allowed to have fun. But I can’t rip my eyes away from that blond bastard, and the more I stare at him, the more my fists ball up.
“Here.” Rydan slides a tumbler of whiskey across the smooth bar top. “Calm the fuck down. He isn’t doing anything wrong, you possessive dick.”
Dammit. I turn my back on Remy and the dancefloor to face the bottles behind the bar. The bass is so heavy it’s forcing my heartbeat to sync to it, and the loud music frustrates me enough to make my angry thoughts angrier. Rage fuel on top of possession that I’ve never felt before, and the mix of it all is disarming. Because Remy is mine, and those assholes out there trying to grope and cop a feel of what is mine should be put in their place.
“Simmer.” Rydan bumps into my side, trying to jar me from my jealousy. “Since when are you so insecure? Jesus. Gen is with him. They’re just dancing.”
“You get used to it,” Four shouts from my other side, pointedly trying not to snap and go over there to pull Gen away. “We’re supposed to be supportive and all about that openness shit, you know? Let them have fun and do their thing. That bullshit.”
Yeah, which is all well and good, but doing their thing involves hands that aren’t ours all over them, bodies that don’t belong to us purposely bumping into them, and whispers in their ears that don’t come from our mouths. I swear to fuck I am not jealous because I don’t trust Remy. I’m jealous because I’m an asshole who has never had someone I’ve wanted to claim all for myself.
“Someone touches his ass again, I will fucking snap.” I slam my whiskey and order another. Remy won’t make me a Sarah, but I might make some of these pricks dead if they don’t back the fuck off his body.
“Count me in,” Four says with a strained laugh.
This is Gen’s night to let off some steam. Everything with her dad has been messing with her so much that she”s a ball of tangled stress. She’s here to let loose and have fun with Remy, who has become one of her besties, and her boyfriend, who is standing beside me trying to let her have that fun. Typically, I’m all about blowing off steam in the form of drinks and dancing, but I don’t really like where my mind is going.
Just because I’m half-ass in a weird but not fully outlined relationship with Remy doesn’t mean we can’t have fun together. Tons of couples go to bars and dance. Tons of people get off watching their partner get a bunch of attention; I’d know because I used to be one of them. When my next drink hits the bar, I grip it and try to relax. I should go dance with him. Show all these fucks that he’s mine. Make him happy and turn him on with a flirty game.
“Why aren’t you out there with her?” I ask Four.
“Because I’m trying to let her have some fun with Remy. If I go out there, I’ll get all growly.”
I turn around again, watching Gen smile her pretty face off at my… Remy. He’s got both of her hands in his, and he’s twirling her around and laughing his ass off at whatever cute shit comes out of her mouth. Probably calling herself a floozy for the night. They’re both drunk as shit, and to be honest, they’re so focused on each other that they aren’t even aware of the swarm of people crowding around them, pushing to get closer. I’ve seen Remy get hit on a lot over the years. By any gender, and I even asked for it last time with Cami, but tonight… no. I’m not in the right frame of mind after the whole failed Cami and Sarah being cheated on thing.
“Remy’s got her, man,” Rydan tries to cool us off again. But then Maddyn skips over from the bathroom, takes a quick sip of her drink, and goes to join them. As soon as she’s in, a hand lands on her ass and Ry’s jaw clenches. “Fuck.”
“No longer the peacekeeper?” I ask him with a grin. I’m not sure how hard he’s in with Maddyn because he doesn’t say a whole lot about it, but it’s enough to make him tense at the sight of her ass in someone else’s hands. Maddyn doesn’t swat the hands away, but Genevieve is shooing the guy away with a literal shooing motion.
Remy pulls both Gen and Maddyn in tight so they can dance in their own bubble, but that bubble is about as close to bursting as my resolve is. For whatever reason that is new and completely unexpected, I’m itching to go over there and rip Remy away. If my mood wasn’t so dark and it wouldn”t ruin his fun, I’d do it.
But then…
Some guy grabs Gen around the waist. Remy tugs her back and shoves the guy away just as Four stands straighter beside me. Then a different guy, who seems to be part of the same group, wraps his arms around Remy from behind. I take a step in their direction but stop when Maddyn pulls Remy back and spins him so she’s between Remy and the guy. But then the guy grabs Maddyn.
Remy throws the first punch. That’s my boy. Knew I loved him for a reason. I’ll think on that later. Right now, I have a bar brawl to participate in.
Grinning now, I follow Four and Rydan to the dancefloor. I’ve been itching for this fight all night, and when another guy goes to grab Remy off his friend, I throw my first punch. The guy lands on the ground between us, and for a fraction of a moment, with music blaring in the background and adrenaline pumping through our veins, our eyes meet and grins are shared. Rydan’s knocking out some guy who’s trying to tug Maddyn away, and Four is protectively standing in front of Genevieve like he’d murder the world for her. Her hand is over her mouth and her eyes are wide, but her other hand is latched onto the fabric of his shirt, using him as a shield. When Four throws the guy to the ground, Gen gasps.
“Forsyth!” Gen grabs his fist, checking his knuckles. “Be polite!”
“Told ya you’d get me in shit tonight, Genevieve.” He wraps an arm around her.
But then I’m being yanked back by the guy on the floor’s friend. I stumble a step, but Remy grabs the front of my shirt with one hand, simultaneously pulling me toward him and throwing a hit with his other hand. He’s a lefty, so he shakes out his hand before wrapping it around my throat.
“I wondered when you were gonna give in,” he says against the side of my face.
“To what?”
“Your possessive bullshit.” He pulls back to smirk at me. “Sexy, Zahn.”
I’m still reeling from that as we’re thrown from the bar by a bunch of bouncers. I don’t give a shit. Throw us out. We haven’t even paid our tab yet. We’re all half-ass laughing by the time we hit the sidewalk.
“Fuck, I’ve wanted to do that for an hour!” Four shouts into the cold night air. “I needed that shit.”
“Such a hero,” Gen mocks him.
“Defending your honor, sweetheart.” He smiles at her.
“I can defend my own honor, thank you.” She tucks into his side and he pulls her into the backseat of Rydan’s truck. He stayed sober for us tonight.
Maddyn sits up front with him, and me and Rem squish into the back with Four and Gen. But the energy in this truck cab is all adrenaline and sexual tension, and when Rydan and Maddyn start making out, I look over to see Four with his hand between Gen’s legs.
Maybe in the beginning of this whole thing, I needed a chick there to staunch my hesitations with Remy. But not now. I look at him and find him already looking at me. We’re not a secret to my brothers, but we’ve never outright done anything in front of them. Tonight, it doesn’t appear to matter to Remy. He grabs the back of my neck like the bossy bastard he is and pulls me in, kissing me with as much aggression as he threw into that punch.
I taste the whiskey on his tongue and feel the tension in his body, wanting nothing more than to have my goddamn way with him. Sex. I’m thinking about it. Wanting it. The scratch of his stubble against my jaw is fiery perfection, and his unrelenting grip on the back of my neck is on par with the level of possession I felt earlier. He’s mine. I don’t exactly know how it happened, but I’m not even close to wanting to give him up or share him anymore.
“You possessive fuck,” he whispers against my lips.
“I warned you,” I say back. “No other guy. No other anyone.”
“Shit, boys,” Four says, whistling. “Never thought it’d get me hard to watch you two make out, but fuck.”
“Manners,” Genevieve says to him. “Mind them.”
“What manners? Stop pretending you don’t like to perv on everyone.” Four pulls her onto his lap, giving us a bit more room. I hear her whisper something about us making a good couple, and at that word, my eyes snap to Remy’s.
“Damn hot couple,” Rydan agrees. “Laken’s got another set of boys to watch.”
Is that what we are?
“Stop overthinking it,” Remy whispers, pulling me in. “Think with your dick instead of your head right now.” He laughs.
He always knows exactly what to say.
I’m once again stuck at the Cold Bay lodges on my own. I’ve gotta wait out some weather before I can make the return flight, so I decide to stay and sleep for a few hours, setting my alarm to keep an eye on the storm.
I’ve got a bowl of tomato soup on my lap and my phone in my hand with the weather app open. But my mind shifts pretty damn fast. Because I miss Remy. Not because I’m lonely and bored, but because I… just want him around.
One bite of tomato soup. I think about Remy all the time now—when I’m with him, when I’m not with him, and when I’m planning to be with him. I’ve never fixated on someone or been so obsessed with anyone before, and I don’t know how that happened after a lifetime of friendship.
Another bite, burning the roof of my mouth. I’ve gotten kind of used to sleeping in the same bed as him now. I like having his body there, pressed against mine, even if it’s not really cuddling. Proximity and comfort are what he gives me, and now I’m noticing the difference, being in this bed without him.
A cooling bite of soup. My brothers told me to experiment. Dom said our level of trust makes us perfect partners to try shit out. Even Mom told me to experiment, adding in the respect thing. We’re experimenting, that’s for damn sure, but how far do we want this to go? I’ve been thinking about sex, but I’ve never fucked a guy before, so I don’t even know what I want. Do I wanna top him? Do I want to bottom for him? Do I want both? Does he even want to go that far?
A lukewarm bite of shitty soup. I felt guilty that night with Cami. Actually, I’ve felt guilty during a few of our hookups now. I don’t want the third person. Which means I’m using those people as a way to get closer to Remy, and that’s just fucking pathetic and a bit disgusting. Monogamy was never on my mind, but the possession is totally new, too. Hand in hand, they mix together to make it feel like all I want is Remy, and not just sexually. But maybe we can still have a bit of fun with other people if the mood is right. Someone who understands that they’d be joining us instead of it just being us with them.
A cool bite of gross tomato soup. Laken said not all love is the same. I don’t know if I want that traditional romantic type of relationship with Remy, but I know I want something with him. Just because most of the world is looking for their one true love type thing doesn’t mean we have to. We can have a strong relationship while not conforming to what we think it’s supposed to be. It’s not all hearts and flowers and romantic notions. We have something deeper. A bond, a connection, that delves deeper into our personalities and makes us good together because it’s not only one thing. It’s friendship and trust, mixed in with new feelings and the addition of a more coupley kind of relationship. I want him in so many different ways now I don’t even know how to label them all.
A frigid bite of soup. At first I thought I wanted something like Cara and Cody have, but now that I’ve developed some sort of feelings for Remy, that doesn’t appeal to me as much anymore. I love the open aspect, and I love that they’re solid, but I went from being a guy who wants variety to being someone who doesn’t want to share. I’ll share anything and anyone, but not Remy. It makes me feel selfish. But I think I’m okay with that.
Because I love the way he blushes when I push his buttons, but I love the contrast of the blush when he gets bossy with me. It’s all these new sides of him. Maybe I’ve seen them before, or maybe this is the first time I’m actually paying attention to them, but fuck me. Bashful and bold, blond and beautiful, and blunt enough to handle me. We fit. We’ve always fit, but our bits and pieces are melding together in new ways that feel fucking phenomenal.
A spoonful of cold air. I set the empty bowl on the nightstand and lean back against the freezing wall. I don’t want an open relationship with Remy anymore. I want a closed one. Maybe we crack the door open every so often, but for the majority of the time, I want us to be us and that be that.
I don’t know who to go to for advice about this. Mom gives great advice, but she isn’t in the kind of relationship I’m getting into. Will she understand it if I lay it all out there for her? Jed and Kade might understand the unconventional thing, and maybe even the line-crossing part since they’re brothers and in the same relationship, but it’s different. Remy might be as close to me as my brothers, but we don’t have that taboo line to worry about. Who can I even talk to about this?
Remy. He’s the only other person who is going through the exact same thing. We aren’t always the best at talking shit through, but we’ve been pretty damn good at it lately. I check my phone, debating calling him. It’s almost midnight and he has to be up at five tomorrow morning to get to the airfield. I shouldn’t…
I do. I call him and press my phone to my ear, still leaning back against the cold wall.
“You better be dying,” he says, groaning. I smile like an idiot at his tone, sinking down the wall a bit. “Don’t be dying,” he adds. “Are you dying? Zahn?”
“You wanna be in a relationship with me where we sometimes open the door but mostly leave it closed?” I ask.
“It’s fucking midnight, you prick.” I hear him shuffling around in bed, letting out a few grunts and groans as he gets comfortable for a conversation we should totally be having face to face instead of over the phone in the middle of the night. “Aren’t we already… in that?”
“So, you think we’re together?” I ask. Maybe I just need confirmation. We’ve gone from wingmen to having a sexual arrangement, to getting possessive and focusing on each other, to agreeing to keep it between us. But that’s all about sex. We’ve never defined anything else, and now I’m a needy bitch who might need that. So much for my label-hating ass.
“Together. Consistent. Constant. Us,” he says. “Whatever you wanna call it, Zahn, but call it that in the morning.”
“Remy,” I speak over his yawn. “Would… would you fuck me?”
“Fuck, Zahn,” he groans. “You’re a fucking pussy for asking me that while we’re this far apart.”
“I’m cold and bored and miss you,” I tell him. “I can’t sleep, and you’re all up in my head all the time, and my dick’s addicted to you, and it’s on my mind. What’re you doing?” I ask when I hear him shuffling around.
“You just asked if I’d fuck you. What do you think I’m doing?” he bitches at me.
Despite the coldness of the room, my cock hardens in my sweatpants. “Me asking if you’d fuck me gets you hard enough to jerk off?”
“Not jerking off. Just… touching.” He breathes louder. “I’m thinking about Gar.”
I laugh at that. “Sure. What about him?”
“Fuck you, Zahn. Jerk off with me over the phone.” There’s a beat of silence while we both situate ourselves. My cool fingers wrap around my dick, but I keep my pants up to stay warm. “I’ve thought about it,” he admits. “Like, too much. A lot. Fucking jerked off about it before.”
I stroke myself slowly. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” There’s a hitch to his voice now. “But would you… like, what position would you wanna be in? Fucking or fucked?”
I’ve thought a lot about it. I circle my fingers around the head of my cock, leaking already. “Everything with you is so new, so it makes me want to try something new. I’ve done a lot of fucking…” I blow out a wobbly breath. “But I’ve never been fucked before.”
He moans. “You’d want that? Me to fuck you?”
I nod, but he obviously doesn’t see it. “Yeah. I want it. I want it all. I want to fuck you, too. Would you…?”
He groans, not answering for a few seconds. “Shit, Zahn. I didn’t know I was allowed to want it. When you sucked my cock, everything changed. Fuck, that was so good.”
I grin, pulling my cock out now that my body is warming. I run my thumb through the gathered precum, massaging it into the tip. “Now you know why I couldn’t shut up about the blindfolded blowie.”
He coughs up a laugh, but it switches to a moan. “This is crazy, right?”
“So crazy.” I can hear him jacking off, which makes my hand move quicker, trying to match the sounds coming through the phone. “But I like it.” Because maybe my wild-man ways have morphed into a different kind of wild. The kind where I’m not a promiscuous slut with anyone and everyone, but willing to get wild and weird with my best friend.
Remy blurts, “I wanna suck your cock again. I’ve wanted it ever since that night.” I throb at that, and he must as well because he also blurts, “I’m gonna come. Come with me.”
I don’t know if it’s his desperation or the fact that this is all moving so fast and the anticipation is so high that I’m fuelled by adrenaline, or if it”s because he told me to, but my cock pulses and I barely get time to lift my shirt. I drop the phone in the process, but it’s back to my ear a second later. The sound of Remy coming has my hips bucking into my fist.
“What the hell is happening to us, Rem?” I laugh breathlessly.
He doesn’t answer, but I can hear him cleaning up. I grab a bunch of tissues from the nightstand and wipe off my abs, tucking myself away and sinking down until my head hits the pillow. The Cold Bay lodges don’t feel so cold anymore.
“Can you sleep now, asshole?” Remy asks.
I grin, closing my eyes. “Fuck you, Rem.” I hang up on him and drift off with that grin still on my face.