Chapter 29
Harper
I barely sleep.
Every time I close my eyes, I see it all on replay.
The kiss. Collin’s hand on my arm. The way Micah looked at me in the truck when I lied and said I was fine.
By 6 a.m., I give up on sleep entirely and drag myself out of bed.
I make coffee. Strong coffee. Then I sit on my couch with the journal Micah gave me, staring at the blank page.
I should pray.
That’s what I’m supposed to do, right? When I’m confused and don’t know what to do?
But I don’t even know where to start.
So I just sit there, holding my coffee, staring at the page, and finally I just start writing.
God,
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
Collin said he misses me. Which is what I wanted. That was the whole plan. But when he said it, I just felt... gross.
And then there’s Micah.
I kissed him last night. And it felt real. Too real.
I’m so confused. I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I had everything figured out. But now I don’t know anything.
Micah told me I need to stop striving and just remain in You. But I don’t know how to do that when I feel like everything is falling apart.
I want to control this. I want to fix it. I want to make everything work out the way I planned.
But I can’t. And I don’t know what to do with that.
Help me, God. Please.
- Harper
I set down the pen and stare at what I wrote.
It’s honest. Raw. Not a surface-level “bless this day” kind of prayer.
Just...real.
And for the first time, I feel like I’m actually talking to God.
Like He’s listening.
I take a shaky breath and close the journal.
Then I grab my phone and open the group chat.
Harper
Can we do lunch today? I need to talk.
Ivy
Yes. Absolutely. Where?
Harper
That cafe on Elm? The one with the good sandwiches?
Olivia
I can do 12:30?
Harper
Perfect.
I set my phone down and take another sip of coffee.
I don’t know what I’m going to say.
But I know I can’t keep doing this alone.
The cafe is busy when I arrive, but Ivy and Olivia have already snagged a corner table.
Ivy waves me over, her smile warm, and Olivia’s nursing an iced coffee.
“Hey,” I say, sliding into the seat across from them. “Thanks for coming.”
“Of course,” Ivy says. “What’s going on?”
I open my mouth, then close it.
Where do I even start?
“I kissed Micah,” I blurt out.
Olivia grins. “We know. You texted us last night, remember?”
“Right. Yeah.” I run my hands through my hair. “But it’s more complicated than that.”
“How so?” Ivy asks gently.
I take a breath. “Collin told me he misses me. Last night. At the bowling alley. He pulled me aside and said he made a mistake breaking up with me.”
Ivy’s eyes widen. “Wait, what?”
“Yeah. And he was touching my arm in this way that felt... wrong. Because he has Jessica. And I have Micah. Except I don’t actually have Micah because we’re fake dating and—” I stop, pressing my hands to my face. “I’m a mess.”
“Okay, slow down,” Ivy says. “So Collin said he misses you. How did you feel about that?”
“Icky.”
“Icky?”
“Yeah. Like, that was the whole plan, right? Make him jealous. Win him back. But when he actually said it, I didn’t feel happy. I just felt...gross.”
Olivia leans forward. “Because you don’t actually want him back anymore.”
The words hit me like a truck.
“I—” I pause. “Maybe.”
“Harper,” Ivy says gently. “You kissed Micah. And it felt real. Right?”
I nod, my throat tight.
“So maybe the plan changed,” Ivy continues. “Maybe what you thought you wanted isn’t what you actually want anymore.”
“But I,” I say, my voice breaking slightly. “But now everything’s different, and I don’t know what to do.”
Ivy reaches across the table and takes my hand. “Harper, can I be honest with you?”
“Please.”
“You’re struggling because you’re trying to control the outcome. You made a plan. You executed the plan. But now the plan isn’t giving you what you thought you wanted, and that’s terrifying because it means you’re not in control.”
I stare at her, tears pricking at my eyes. “Yeah. That’s exactly it.”
“But here’s the thing,” Ivy says. “You were never in control. None of us are. And the sooner we surrender that—the sooner we stop trying to orchestrate every detail and just trust God with the outcome—the freer we become.”
“But what if I don’t like the outcome?”
“Then you trust God knows better than you do.”
I let out a shaky laugh. “That’s easier said than done.”
“I know.” Ivy squeezes my hand. “Believe me, I know. When I first started dating Gray, I tried to control everything. How fast we moved. When we said ‘I love you.’ When we’d meet each other’s parents.
And I made myself miserable. It wasn’t until I let go—until I stopped striving and just trusted God—that everything fell into place. ”
“But you and Gray worked out,” I say. “What if I let go and it doesn’t work out?”
“Then it wasn’t meant to,” Olivia says quietly.
I look at her, surprised.
“Not everything is supposed to work out the way we plan,” she continues. “Sometimes the best thing that can happen is for our plans to fall apart. Because that’s when we realize we were chasing the wrong thing all along.”
I wipe my eyes. “I just... I want to be different. I want to be the kind of person who trusts God. Who doesn’t have to control everything. Who isn’t constantly performing.” I pause. “I want to be an ‘I see Jesus in her’ kind of girl.”
The words hang in the air.
And then Olivia says, so softly I almost miss it, “I see Jesus in you, Harper.”
I blink. “What?”
“I see Jesus in you,” she repeats, her eyes glistening. “In fact, watching you this past year has encouraged me greatly.”
My throat closes up. “Olivia—”
“No, I mean it.” She sets down her coffee, her hands trembling slightly. “You don’t realize it, but you’ve changed. You’re asking proper questions now. You’re being honest about your struggles. And that’s... that’s what faith looks like. Not perfection. Just honesty.”
Ivy’s eyes are shining now, too. “Olivia...”
Olivia takes a shaky breath. “I haven’t been to church in weeks. I’ve been avoiding Bible study. Avoiding small group. Avoiding all of it.”
“We noticed,” I mumble.
“I know.” She looks down at her hands. “I’ve been pulling away because I’m angry. At God. At the church. At... everything.”
“What happened?” Ivy asks.
Olivia is quiet for a long moment.
Then she starts talking.
“When I was growing up, my parents weren’t believers. But I had friends who went to church every Wednesday night, and sometimes on Sundays, and they’d give me rides. So I started going with them. Middle school, high school—I was there all the time.”
“I didn’t know that,” I say.
“Yeah. I loved it at first. The youth group felt like a family I never had at home. Everyone was so welcoming. So kind. And I really believed it all—that God loved me, that Jesus died for me, that faith was about relationship.”
She pauses, her jaw tightening.
“But then I started noticing things. The girls I went to church with—the ones who raised their hands during worship and had all the pretty notebooks and colored pens—they were mean. Like, really mean. At school, they’d ignore me.
Talk about me behind my back. Exclude me from things.
And then on Wednesday nights, they’d act like we were best friends. ”
Ivy’s expression is pained. “Oh Olivia...”
“And it wasn’t just them,” Olivia continues.
“My youth leader—this woman I really looked up to—she preached all the time about authenticity and being real with God. But then I found out she was having an affair with someone at the church. And when it came out, she blamed everyone else. Said the church was judgmental. That God understood her heart.”
My chest aches. “I’m so sorry.”
“It confused me,” Olivia says, her voice breaking. “Why were all these people being two-faced? Why were they showing off their faith on social media but not living it out in real life? Why did they talk about loving your neighbor and then treat me like I didn’t matter?”
“That’s not what faith is supposed to look like,” Ivy says quietly.
“I know that now. But back then? I just thought maybe God wasn’t real. Or if He was real, maybe His people didn’t actually believe in Him. So when I went to college, I left. I stopped going to church. Stopped reading my Bible. Stopped trying.”
Tears are streaming down her face now, and I reach across the table to grab her other hand.
“And then I met you two,” Olivia says, looking between Ivy and me.
“And you were different. Ivy, you were brand new to faith. You didn’t pretend to have it all figured out.
You asked questions. You struggled. You were honest. And when you and Gray were dating, you took a break to focus on Jesus.
You put Him first. And that was... that was so inspiring. ”
Ivy’s crying now, too.
“And Harper,” Olivia continues, turning to me.
“You grew up in the church. You know all the right answers. But you’re still willing to admit you struggle.
You’re still willing to say, ‘I don’t have this figured out.
’ And watching you be real about that—watching you wrestle with your faith instead of just performing it—it’s made me want to try again. ”
I can’t speak. I can only cry.
“You two are the reason I even came back to church,” Olivia says. “Because you showed me that faith isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being honest. It’s about showing up even when you don’t have all the answers.”
Ivy gets up and moves to Olivia’s side of the table, wrapping her arms around her.
And I join them, the three of us crying in the middle of a crowded cafe, not caring who sees.
“I’m sorry you went through that,” I whisper. “I’m sorry the church hurt you.”
“It’s not your fault,” Olivia says.
“But I’m still sorry.”
We sit like that for a long moment, just holding each other.
Then Olivia pulls back, wiping her eyes. “I don’t know if I’m ready to come back all the way. But I think... I think I want to try.”
“That’s all God asks,” Ivy says. “Just try. Just show up.”
“And we’ll be here,” I add. “Every step of the way.”
Olivia smiles through her tears. “Thank you.”
We settle back into our seats, all of us a little tear-stained and puffy-eyed.
“So,” Olivia says, her voice lighter now. “Back to you and Micah.”
I laugh, wiping my face. “Right. That.”
“What are you going to do?” Ivy asks.
“I don’t know,” I admit. “I kissed him. And then I ran away. And then I told him it meant nothing.”
“But it did,” Olivia says.
“Yeah. It did.”
“So tell him that.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because—” I pause. “Because what if I’m wrong? What if I tell him how I feel and he doesn’t feel the same way? What if I ruin everything?”
“Or,” Ivy says gently, “what if you tell him how you feel and it’s the best decision you ever make?”
I stare at her. “You make it sound so simple.”
“It’s not simple. But it’s the right thing to do. Harper, you can’t keep pretending. Not with Micah. Not with yourself. And definitely not with God.”
“She’s right,” Olivia says. “You said you want to stop performing. So stop. Be honest. Tell Micah the truth.”
“What if he doesn’t feel the same way?”
“Then you’ll know,” Ivy says. “And you can move forward. But if you don’t tell him, you’ll always wonder. And that’s worse than knowing.”
I take a shaky breath. “I hate that you’re right.”
Ivy grins. “Get used to it.”
“But what do I even say? ‘Hey, Micah, remember how I said that kiss didn’t mean anything? I lied. It meant everything. Also, I think I’m falling for you. Sorry for the confusion.’”
Olivia laughs. “That’s actually not bad.”
“I was being sarcastic.”
“I know. But it’s honest. And that’s what matters.”
I drop my head into my hands. “I don’t know if I can do this.”
“Yes, you can,” Ivy says firmly. “You’re stronger than you think, Harper. And you’re not doing this alone. You have us. And you have God.”
“Remain in Him,” Olivia says softly. “Isn’t that what Micah told you?”
I look up at her, surprised. “How did you know that?”
“You mentioned it in the group chat. About the vine and the branches.”
“Yeah. He did say that.”
“So do it,” Olivia says. “Stop trying to control the outcome. Just stay connected to Jesus and trust Him with the rest.”
I take a deep breath, letting the words sink in.
Remain in Him.
Trust Him.
Stop striving.
“Okay,” I say finally. “I’ll talk to Micah. I’ll tell him the truth.”
“When?” Ivy asks.
“Soon. I just...I need to figure out what I’m going to say first.”
“Don’t overthink it,” Olivia warns. “Just be honest.”
“I’ll try.”
“That’s all you can do,” Ivy says. “Just try.”