Forty-Three
FORTY-THREE
My eyes are swollen from crying for hours, and my heart is broken from the loss. Losing the baby, losing Hendrix, and losing my future.
No one has heard from Hendrix since he walked out of the hospital more than twenty-four hours ago. Mom said he just walked out and kept going. Malik and Danté said they tried to stop him also, but he didn’t even turn his head in their direction.
The drive home to my parent’s house was long and painful. Mom sat in the backseat and held me the entire time while I cried and played the words the doctors told me over and over.
“Ms. McCallan, can I speak to you?” Dr. Newman asked as she walked in my room.
I was already so confused because no one would tell me where Hendrix was and I just wanted to go home and find him.
“I am the on-call OB/GYN and I examined you when you came in. After performing the ultrasound, I was able to determine you suffered a placental abruption.”
“What is that? Will it hurt the baby?” I asked, already in tears.
My head was pounding from the fall and I had yet to see the bruising my parents told me about.
“When you fell, the placenta detached from your uterine wall. It doesn’t happen often from a fall like yours, so your doctor will want to follow up for additional testing. Just to make sure there aren't any conditions to be concerned or aware about.”
“Okay. So the baby? Do I just need to rest or..?”
With a deep breath she explained, “If treated promptly, an abruption can be managed. While you were brought in soon after your fall, I believe the early stage in your pregnancy was not on our side. I’m very sorry, Dagen, but the baby did not survive the abruption. We will need to perform a dilation and curettage to remove the remains.”
My lungs constricted and I couldn’t breathe. I was sure everyone could hear the sound of my heart breaking. The scream that poured from my lungs filled the room and echoed down the hallway. It was a cry only those who have experienced this level of pain could understand.
I cried all the way back to the OR to perform the procedure. I cried as soon as I opened my eyes and realized where I was and what happened. I cried the entire way, wishing I could go back in time. And I cried myself to sleep when I couldn’t reach Hendrix. I called and left messages until his mailbox was full, then drifted into sleep.
My dreams were filled with black nothingness and cold. I felt the way my teeth chattered in the cold of the dark space, and the ache in my bones felt so real. At one point I saw Hendrix walking towards me, arms open wide and eyes bright. Right before could fall into my arms, something gripped onto his shirt and began yanking on him.
I cried for him to come back, but the harder he tried to get to me, the more difficult it became.
Now I take the cold towel off my eyes and pull out my phone, once again. I touch his name on the screen, Sexy Baby Daddy , and pray he picks up.
“The mailbox you are calling is full. Please–” I hang up the phone, already knowing how the script goes, and decide to call Malik to find out if he’s heard anything.
“Hey Day,” he says, answering after just one ring. “How are you feeling?”
His voice is cautious and tender, like what I imagine he sounds like when he talks to one of his students when they’re sad.
After I returned from the OR and had some time to wake up and cry some more, Mom told me that Danté and Malik were on their way back from the hotel where they had gone to rest and get cleaned up. They stayed here long after Hendrix walked out until my Dad sent them away to rest.
When they walked in, I simply cried. Malik hugged me, being the tender hearted man he is, and Danté looked uncomfortable but touched my arm softly and supportively. It was more than I could have imagined from him.
With a sigh I admit, “Not good. I just don’t understand where he is and why he left in the first place. Have you heard anything from him?”
“No word yet. I’m really sorry our brother is being an ass.”
“I’m gonna fuck him up when I see him,” I hear shouted from the background.
Danté, a staunch opponent in the beginning, is now a fierce supporter.
“I know he’s hurt but,” the sob works its way up my throat and I choke on my words. “I need him. He said he’d never leave again.”
My head falls into my hand and tears that I thought had dried up pour from my eyes once more.
“We’ll keep looking. The difficult part is that his phone is either off or dead, because we can’t track him on find my phone . We know he loves you, Day, and I don’t think he’s given up on you. He’s just…he’s the kid whose mom abandoned him all those years ago. I don’t think he really knows how to deal with all of this. He’ll be back, though. I know he will.”
“‘K,” I reply, the one syllable I can manage to say.
“We’ll call you if we find out anything. Don’t give up.”
We hang up and I flop back onto my bed, covering my swollen eyes with my arm. I stay that way until a soft knock sounds at my door. It creaks open and the solemn face of my Mom appears.
“Morning my sweet girl.” She steps in the room and quietly closes the door behind her. “The kiddos are already wild and asking if you feel better. I told them they’re not allowed to bother you until your booboo heals.”
“I don’t think my heart will ever heal.” She rushes to hold me and I cry into her lap. “Where is he, Mom? Why hasn’t he called?”
Her fingers comb through my hair, freeing the tangles from last night’s sleep. “Oh baby, I wish I had the answers. I saw how upset he was, so I don’t think it’s because he doesn’t care. Men just process things differently than women. Take your father, for example. The man can’t decide if he’s angry or happy. It takes me smacking him in the head to get things to click into place.”
I let out a soft laugh. The first one in days.
“Does anyone know?” I never got a chance to tell my family about the baby. All they knew was that Hendrix was moving to Waco and they assumed it was because he wanted to be near me.
I’m glad they don’t know because I just could not handle their smothering right now.
“No. I would never share anything you don’t want me to. It will be up to you whether or not you want them to know about this.” I nod my head against her thigh, soaked with my tears. “Would you like to eat?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Dagen. You haven’t had anything since the glass of juice the hospital made you drink before we left.”
“Maybe in a bit?” She sighs and that’s my sign that she gives in. “Mom?”
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“Does it ever stop hurting, or is it just always there?”
I hear a stuttered breath before she speaks. “I wish I could say it goes away but it lingers for a lifetime, I’m afraid. I felt it when Dad and I were apart, and I feel it even now with Robbie gone. Ten years later and I still feel a pain in my chest when I see or hear something that reminds me of him. But there are many things that make the pain not so bad. You are a huge part of that. And one day, you’ll have someone that brings you the same amount of joy and will help you look back on the past, dulling the ache you feel right now. It’s part of our story, Dagen, and it makes us stronger and more resilient. You just need to keep pushing. Don’t ever give up. There’s always a brighter day waiting behind the clouds.”
She finishes and we both find ourselves in tears. I know she’s right, but right now it’s just hard to see beyond the grief.
“I love you, Mom. I don’t think my life would ever have been as complete without you. Malik and Dante were right. Dad is one lucky sonuvabitch.” She laughs through the tears, sniffling as she does.
“I’m the lucky one. You and your siblings are the greatest gifts of my life. I don’t know that I’d trade those twelve years without your Dad because I wouldn’t have you.” She leans down and kisses my forehead. “I love you Dagen Rayne. Every day, always. From this life into the next.”
We stay there holding each other, letting the tears heal a small part of my heart. But until I have Hendrix, I’ll never be whole again.
VAUGHAN
My mind is weary and my body is weak. The last forty-eight house has wreaked havoc on my family. And the road ahead is still a treacherous one.
I’ve tried to get a hold of Hendrix at least a hundred times by now, but his phone stopped picking up hours ago. I feel that if there’s anyone who is going to be able to get through to him, it has to be me. We have a shared pain now, though different, but it’s one only another man could understand.
A woman doesn’t understand what it’s like to pretend you aren’t affected by the everyday struggles we face. The biggest one being to provide and care for our family. In the blink of an eye, Hendrix lost that. Just as I lost Camille so many years ago.
I know I was hard on him in the beginning but in my eyes, no one will ever be good enough for my daughters. Or my son, for that matter. But deep down, I know Hendrix is the one for her. I can see it when he looks at her. A man so hardened by the world around him can perfect the look of callousness, but his eyes will never lie. And Hendrix spoke a million words.
My phone dings with a notification and I pull up the cameras. There’s an alert that the edge of the property has been breached and I switch views to find out where it came from. I touch the screen, changing the direction. Off of the back of the barn, I see a figure stumbling beyond the fence and traipsing through the field.
I zoom in as much as it will allow, and I recognize the clothing that Hendrix was wearing from two days ago.
“Camille,” I call out and she rushes into the office.
“What’s wrong?”
“I got an alarm. I’m going to go take a look. Dagen okay?”
She shrugs. “As well as can be expected.”
I rise up from my chair and take her face in my hands, kissing her like it’s the first and last time.
“I’ll be back, Sunshine.”
She strokes my cheek and stares into my eyes. “Be careful. Call me if you need anything.”
I kiss her nose then walk out to try and save the man that needs it most.