Forty-Four
FORTY-FOUR
I stumble as I climb through tall grass and wind my way through the overgrown field, trying to remember the way Vaughan drove us.
My head hurts and the alcohol I’ve binged on has yet to find its way out of my system. I feel queasy and stop for a moment to let it pass. Or come up. I’ve teetered between both this morning.
After I drove off from the hotel the other night, I simply drove East. I didn’t have a destination or know where I was going, I just knew I had to get away from the one place that was ripping me apart. My world was crumbling and it was all my fault. At this point, I didn’t care if I drove myself into a ditch. At least it would put an end to the pain.
I drove until my fuel light lit up and I had to find a gas station to refuel. That led me toa nearby bar, that led to drinking for five hours straight. It was only after I fell off my stool that the bartender cut me off. A bar fly was quick to want to help me, in many ways, but I set her straight letting her know I had a girl and she needed to remove her hands before I broke them off. The bartender didn’t like that and told me to get out.
I weaved my way to a small diner to eat and shake off the alcohol so that I could continue to drive. While inhaling a mountain of pancakes, I started to think about how broken Dagen must be. She would wake up and find not only me gone but our baby, too. I was a selfish son of a bitch, and I’d dug myself into a hole I didn’t think I could climb out of.
I finished up my food, walked into the convenience store and bought beer and whatever alcohol they had before getting on the road again.
My phone was turned off because I just couldn’t listen to it ring incessantly. Seeing Little Mouse or Mal and D on the caller ID was only driving the nail through my heart deeper.
I drove back to Waco and sat outside of our home, staring at it. The furniture delivery would be there soon, but I wouldn’t. I called the store and told them to hold it because of a family emergency. I didn’t tell them the emergency was that I lost my family.
I drove away from the house and stopped at a nearby park where I continued to drink, and eventually fell asleep in my front seat only to wake up with a screaming bladder. I had an early breakfast of Jack, then started driving again. I feel like I blacked out and only came to when my car stopped by the McCallan Ranch.
It’s as if my heart was calling out to my brain, guiding it to the place where it laid. In Dagen’s hands.
I knew there was no way in hell I could face any of them. So instead, I walked around until I found a way in and walked my way a damn long time before spotting the familiar barn. I thought of the last time we were here and remembered the talk I had with Vaughan by the big magnolia. It was peaceful and peace is what I need right now.
The walk to the tree seems impossibly long and I think about just dropping to the hard ground and passing out. Maybe the turkey buzzards will come and scavenge my remains.
The heat is really getting to me because I hear a low buzz coming from somewhere behind me. It grows louder until a rush of air sweeps by me. I turn to my right and see Vaughan sitting in his golf cart.
“Ffuck,” I slur.
“Yeah. Fuck. Get in.” His tone leaves no room for discussion, so I simply wobble to the other side and plop myself down in the passenger’s seat.
“Are you taking me somewhere no one will find me?”
He looks over at me for a brief moment and I see how his eyes are rimmed in red.
“I should, but I’m not. That would be the easy way out, and this is not going to be easy.”
My head lolls back and I close my eyes as we roll along. When we stop, I slowly lift my head and pry my eyes open, blinking in the harsh light and squint. I hear the soft trickle of water and surmise we’re by the creek.
“Come on. Follow me,” Vaughan orders, and I obey.
“You gonna drown me?” He looks over his shoulder at me with a glare. “Will you yell at me or hit me, or something? I can’t take this impassiveness.”
We reach the edge of the creek and Vaughan sits. I do the same but with less finesse. My body drops like a ton of bricks and has an oomph falling from my mouth.
He lets out a deep breath and says, “I’m sorry this has happened to you, son.” The lump that gets stuck in my throat feels like a hand has snaked down it and taken hold of my heart. “But you need to remember that the same thing has happened to my daughter.”
I drop my head in shame, and nod. “I know.”
“Then what the fuck are you doing out here when you should be in there with her?”
I twist my head to look at him and offer up a shrug. It’s the most I can manage.
“My daughter, the woman you say you love, is in agony. And you should be the one by her side. Not me. Not Camille. You .” He pauses but I still can’t speak. “Her heart is broken, Hendrix, and I can bet yours is too. But you need each other. You can’t heal on your own, and neither can she.”
“I only bring heartache into her life. That’s not what she needs.” I fall back and stare up at the slow moving clouds.
“You also bring her love. That’s how a relationship works. The light can’t exist without the dark. It’s a hard truth, but one nonetheless.”
“What happens when the dark is too much? It will drown out the light. Dagen is light and I’m darkness. I can’t stick around to snuff out that beautiful light.”
“How do you know she won’t rid you of the darkness? You promised me you’d always be there for her. Where are you, Hendrix?”
“I’m right here,” I scoff.
“No. Where are you ? Not physically, but here.” He taps at my chest, right over the spot where Dagen’s tattoo is inked for eternity.
“I can’t do it! I don’t have it in me. I’m no good for her. It’s best I leave now before I cause anymore damage. It’s best this way.”
“You promised her,” He reminds me. “Instead of running away, I dare you to stay.”
My breathing turns fast and shallow as I try to fight off the sting. My nostrils flare and my eyes burn. I sit up, thinking it will push all this foreign emotion away, but it only serves to make it worse.
“Fight for her, Hendrix.”
“I’m not strong enough.”
“You are. You just have to get up and fight.”
My body breaks as does the wall I’ve been holding up with a thin wire. I feel my chest crack as my heart bleeds out. Tears fall and I shake, sobs overwhelming me.
Vaughan wraps his arm around my shoulders and lets me rest my head on him. I cry like I never have in my life. Not when I was dropped at the steps of an orphanage. Not even when I was passed over, time and time again by families and fosters.
I had finally found where I belong and I lost it all. I let it slip right through my fingers. And the man who should hate me is being the father I’ve needed in my life for so long.
“There’s still time to fix this, but you have to want it. You’re either all in or all the way out. What’s it going to be?”
I lift my head and wipe my face clean. Alcohol still swirls in my head, but there’s no doubt what I want. Nothing can dull the truth of how much I need Dagen to live.
“All in. I want to be all in.”
Vaughan pats my arm and smiles. “That’s what I was hoping to hear. Now,” he pushes to his feet and dusts his pants off. “Let’s get you looking and smelling better. You can’t beg my daughter to forgive you smelling like a brewery and looking like you slept on a park bench.”
“My car,” I correct.
“What was that?”
“I slept in my car. A park bench probably would’ve been better. I could have used the fresh air.”
“I wasn’t gonna say anything, but since you did.” He curls up his lip and waves a hand in front of his face. “Let’s go.”
Who would have thought that the person to save me would be the man I thought wanted to destroy me.
Vaughan took me back to the barn cottage and dumped my ass in the shower. I don’t know what he told Camille, but he came back with clean clothes, food and a jug of water. He wouldn’t let me leave without eating everything and drinking at least half of the water. I did so then made several trips to the bathroom to empty out all the food and water he practically forced down my throat.
I look at my reflection in the glass doors, noticing how damn much I look like the bad boy version of Vaughan. His creased Levi’s and crisp white t-shirt is only missing the brown boots and cowboy hat. Thank god for the tattoos.
The door slides open, scaring me half to death, and a little head pops out. I struggle to push away the tears that Vaughan somehow turned on.
“Hi Chicken,” AJ’s little voice calls.
“Hi Autumn Jade.”
She tilts her head to the side and studies me.
“Why you sad, Chicken?”
Fuck . Even a three year old can see how bad I am.
“I just miss Day.”
“She’s sick.”
“Yeah. I want to make her feel better. Do you think she’ll like these?” I hold up the large bouquet that was quite a feat to get.
I had to enlist the help of Vaughan who got Luca on the phone immediately. I don’t know how that rich bastard did it, but he had the most unbelievable bouquet of black roses delivered an hour later.
“Bwack fowers?” she asks, very unimpressed with the color.
“Yup. But look,” I hold them closer to her face and spread the petals of one open. “They’re red in the middle.”
Her eyes light up in wonder and she whispers, “Wow.”
“Can I come in, little lady?” She digs her teeth into her lip and nods.
“You hafta be quiet. Momma said.”
I wink and tell her, “Gotcha.”
Her big eyes stay glued on the roses, so I carefully pluck one from the arrangement and hand it to her.
“Just for you, AJ.”
“Fank you.” She hugs the rose to her like it’s the greatest gift she’s ever received.
I can’t help myself. Something comes over me and I reach down to scoop her up and give her a hug. She wraps her little arms around my neck and I breathe in her scent. Peanut butter and fabric softener.
“Okay,” I say, putting her down on her feet. “I’m going to try and make Day feel better. Wish me luck.”
“Wuck, Chicken.” She holds out her hand and gives me a thumbs up.
I slowly make my way up the stairs and find Camille standing at the top. I pause for a moment then continue until I’m face to face with her.
“I–” my words are suffocated when Camille throws her arms around me.
She rests her head on my shoulder and cries. I would normally feel very uncomfortable in a situation like this, but things are different now. Vaughan broke my off switch and I can’t contain it.
I circle my arms around her back and soak in the affection I’ve been missing for the last twenty-nine years of my life.
She pulls away and pats my cheek. “Your grovel game better be top tier. Day reads plenty of romance novels and she won’t settle for less than begging and tears.”
“Thanks, Camille. No pressure at all.” She shrugs and moves past me, walking down the stairs and out of sight.
With one last breath of courage, I lift my hand and knock on her door.
“Come in.” Her voice is frail and hoarse as if she’s worn out her vocal cords.
I turn the knob with slow precision and push the door open. She lays on her side, her back to me, and doesn’t move. She probably assumes it’s her mom or dad.
“Hi, little mouse.”
She jackknifes out of bed and turns to look at me. Her beautiful face is marred with agony and anger. Her jaw is tense, but her eyes glisten with tears. I can already see how her breathing changes and I’m just waiting for the scream that works to free itself from her lungs.
But it never comes. I take slow steps towards her until I reach the edge of the bed.
“I’m sorry, baby.” They’re the first words that bubble to the surface.
“That’s it? That’s the best you can do? I’m sorry, baby . Seems like I’ve heard that before and it didn’t mean shit. Try again.”
“I-there’s more. Just give me a second.” Her face looks bored and annoyed as she crosses her arms over her chest. “I should have been there when you woke up. I should have doused my temper with ice water. There are a lot of things that I should have done, but I was a coward and ran instead.”
“Coward seems to be quite fitting.”
I clear my throat and let another punch hit me in the gut. “I made a promise to you that I wouldn’t do that again, and now I’m faced with the challenge of convincing you it won’t happen yet again.”
“Of course it won’t happen again because we’re done. I won’t have to worry about you running out on me if we’re not together.”
“Don’t say that, little mouse.”
“I’m not your little mouse,” she bites.
“Yes you are. You’ll always be mine. It doesn’t matter where you go, how far or with who, you will be mine until my last breath. I’ll chase you across the globe if I have to. And I will have to because I need you, Dagen. I don’t think I can breathe without you.”
“You left me!” Her screech is filled with sobs. “I woke up and you weren’t there. The person I needed most was nowhere to be found. Then to find out that we lost our baby was like a knife to my heart. Do you know how scared I was? You should have been there, Hendrix, and you weren’t. How am I supposed to forgive that?”
I hang my head, the guilt weighing heavy on me. “Let me earn it.”
“And how the hell are you going to do that?”
“The only way I know how. Loving you like I’ll never love another. If you say it’s over, you have to know that there will never be another to take your place. Your side of the bed will stay empty, and the back of my bike will never have another occupant. You’re the only backpack I want riding with me.” I cautiously reach for her and she flinches when I run my finger down her cheek. “You’re irreplaceable, Dagen McCallan. You’re the light in my dark world and without you I can’t see. It will only ever be you.”
She clutches her fist to her chest and cries, a deep guttural sob racking her body. The flowers are forgotten as I drop them to the floor, and I jump on the bed, enveloping her in my arms. She gasps for air between her wails and I just keep holding her through it.
“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I’ll never leave again. Please, Dagen. Please forgive me.”
She pushes me away with a shrill. A hand stings my cheek when it makes contact. Then my chest. She balls her hands and punches my shoulders, my arms, and bangs on my chest. I don’t try to stop her. In fact, I welcome the pain.I want to feel just an ounce of the turmoil she isliving through. Nothing will ever compare to what she’s suffered, but if using my body helps to heal her one thread at a time, I’ll let her use me until the end of time.
“I needed you!” She continues to hit and punch and I sit with my arms limp at my sides, letting her use my body anyway she wants. “Our baby is gone, Hendrix.”
Her arms grow weak and the punches stop. I pull her in and lay back with her tucked tightly. My shirt is tear soaked but my heart is healing. The feel of her skin on mine is like home and I don’t ever want to be anywhere else.
“I wish I had been strong enough to save her,” she whimpers.
“Her? It was a girl?” I suddenly feel like the air has been sucked from my lungs.
She shakes her head while circling her finger on my chest. “I don’t know. I didn’t ask. But I had this sense that it was.”
“Can I confess something?” Her eyes look into mine, so wide and so sorrowful. “I thought it was a girl, too. Every time I saw AJ, something tugged at me. I think it was a sign.”
Moments of silence pass and I’m grateful just to continue to hold her. My fingers run up and down her spine while her hiccups start to slow.
“I love you, Dagen. I’ll do anything to show you that I’m not going anywhere.”
She sniffles then pushes away from me. It’s an immediate cold emptiness and I already feel like I’m dying inside.
“I need you to leave, Hendrix,” she says with a hardened face.
“But wh-y?”
“Why? Really? I’m supposed to just forgive the minute you drop me a smile and an I love you ? It’s going to take more than that. And right now, that more is time.”
My mouth falls open and I stare at her, hoping that she’ll let out one of her glorious laughs and pull me into her arms with a forgiving kiss. When she doesn’t, I feel like I’m choking on my own sorrow.
She sets her hands down on her bed and slowly pushes herself further and further away from me, until she sits at the edge of the opposite side.
I gather myself and stand on trembling legs. My eyes plead with her to please not do this. Her response is to turn away from me, stealing away the eyes that make my heart race.
I pick up the flowers that lay forgotten on the floor, and place them gently on her bed. My feet take to her door and my hand meets the cold metal for the handle.
Before leaving, I look at her over my shoulder and say, “The black rose has many meanings, all that I think really apply. Mourning. Strength and resilience. New beginnings. And the most important of all, eternal love. We’re going to have it all and more. I promise.”
This time, I won’t let her down.