Forty
FORTY
MALIK
I know where she is. I can drive there, right now. But I need to give her some time. It’s only been twenty-four hours since she found out my secret. I’ll give her a couple more days to calm down before I go get my girls and bring them home.
The lights are on in the house as I sit across the street, watching and building up the courage to knock on the front door. It’s been an hour and I still haven’t found the strength, yet. With a deep breath, I step out of my truck and walk cautiously to their house.
My hands rattle when I ring the doorbell and my heart slams against my chest. I hear the locks on the door click and it opens slowly.
George stands, only a sliver revealing his angry face. “You need to leave,” he tells me.
“Please, sir. I just need to see her. I need to know she’s okay.”
“They’re both fine. Now go. She doesn’t want to see you.”
“I can’t leave. If she could just listen to me, she’d–”
“I don’t know what you did to her, but it was bad enough that she came running to us in the middle of the night. So I suggest you get your ass off of my property before I shoot a hole in it.” His face is stern and it’s the look I imagine myself wearing if anyone ever hurt Dahlia.
I take two steps back, defeated and broken, and nod. “Yes sir. Understood. Can you just…can you tell her I love her?”
George’s jaw clenches and his nostrils flare, but he gives me a curt nod despite the urge he has to throttle me. I climb back into my truck and look back at the house where George still stands as centurion. In the window, I see the curtain shift and a face peek out. I know it’s my girl. I can feel her eyes on me. Instead of crawling across the street and begging her on hands and knees, I blow her a kiss.
The curtain closes just like a door slamming on my heart. I drive away but I refuse to stop until she’s back in my arms.
“You have some fucking nerve showing up here.” Kyle spits fire when she sees the person who is waiting for her in the lobby of her office.
It’s now day three without Soleil, and she still won’t answer my calls or texts, and has yet to return home.
“Kyle. Will you please listen?” I beg, keeping my voice hushed so as to not draw attention.
“No you listen to me, you peeping Tom.” Apparently Kyle doesn’t share the same urgency to keep things quiet. “I wanted to slap you with a restraining order, but Sunny just wants to forget you.”
“It’s not what you think. It’s not what she thinks.”
“Oh, so you weren’t stalking her and pretending to be someone else just to get your rocks off?” She arches a brow and crosses her arms over her chest, refusing to let me break through her armor.
“It’s complicated. And if she’d only just listen, I could explain. I wasn’t trying to deceive her. King just…I thought it was the only way I could have her. And then when she came around to me, to Malik , the whole King thing came to an end.”
“How many other women did you pull this shit with?”
“None. I swear to you. I never did any of the things I did with Soleil with any other woman. It was only her. I only want it to be her. Dammit Kyle, I’m going blind without her. My world is going dark and I-I have to get her back.”
She blows out a harsh breath and I think she’s going to break and agree to help me. Her eyes narrow as she continues to stare at me and I hope she sees the desperation. I’m holding onto life by a finger. I don’t know how long I can hold on before I plummet.
“Just leave her alone, Malik. She’s already suffered a tragedy once in her life. She won’t survive a second. Walk away.”
She turns on her heel, the clicking of her shoes growing faint as she puts more distance between us. My heart is a ticking time bomb, waiting to implode.
Christmas came and went with no word from Soleil. The sun rose and set with me sitting on my couch, staring at my phone and willing it to ring. Their presents still sit under my tree, untouched and longing to be opened.
Henny called, Danté texted, and Kinsley pounded on my door, but they all went unanswered. I don’t have the strength to do anything but pray for Soleil to come back tome.
Kids file in, all of them wishing me a happy new year, but I can barely force a smile out. It hurts to breathe without her. Dark circles hang under my eyes from not sleeping, and today when I got dressed for class, my clothes sagged on my withering body.
Food, sleep, the outside world; none of it matters if I don’t have Soleil.
My eyes search the halls for any sign of her and Dahlia. The clock ticks closer to the start of school, but they are nowhere to be found. Just when I’m about to lose all hope, I see one of the counselors walking towards me, Dahlia clutching her hand.
The smile that I was working so hard to show appears without any encouragement. The worry that she wasn’t coming began eating at me. When the two of them get closer, Dahlia breaks free from the counselor and comes barreling towards me.
I squat down, my arms open wide and waiting to hold her. She squeezes me tighter than she ever has.
“I missed you,” she whispers in my ear. “Are you feeling better?”
I pull back to look at her, confused. “Do I feel better?”
“Yeah. Mommy said you’ve been real sick and that’s why we couldn’t see you. So are you better? Can I have a sleepover in my room?” The counselor clears her throat and I pry my attention away from Dahlia.
“Why don’t you go in and start your morning warm-up. I’ll be right in.” I set her down and watch her hang up her backpack, then place her lunch kit in the bin before taking her seat.
“Mr. Dare,” the counselor says. “Mrs. Brooks has requested a change of class.”
“What? No. I don’t understand.” I lean against the door to steady me as my knees grow weak.
“I guess there was a personal matter and she would feel more comfortable with Dahlia in another class.”
I clutch my chest as it cracks open. “Can you give me a couple days before doing that? I’ll reach out to see if I can rectify whatever it is.”
She agrees to give me that but says she will look at which teacher will fit her best.
I run to my desk and open my inbox. My fingers work furiously as I type.
To: sunny. brooks@ mailbox.com
From: mdare@ consolidatedschools.com
RE: Dahlia
Soleil-
Please don’t take Dahlia away. She’s thriving in class and I worry what could happen if you switched her.
I understand you don’t want to talk to me. But I promise, I would never do anything to hurt Dahlia or jeopardize her learning. She would be devastated and so would I.
Please reconsider.
Malik
I never received a response from her. Instead, the counselor told me later that day that Dahlia’s mother changed her mind about moving her classes. I would have loved to hear those words straight from Soleil, but I’d settle for seeing a small piece of my girl reflected in Dahlia’s eyes everyday.
Soleil stops walking Dahlia to class every morning and the teachers on car rider line duty are the ones who monitor all the kids as they leave. The most I get are glimpses of her life when Dahlia talks about her.
“Me and Mommy went to the zoo.”
“Me and Mommy had a movie night.”
“Mommy was sad yesterday so Auntie Kyle came over to help her stop crying.”
That one gutted me because I knew what she was crying about. It’s torture not seeing or hearing her voice every day. And each day,my heart cracks open wider.
I get a notification on my phone that there is someone at the door. I open it up quickly and see a man standing there, flowers in hand.
Soleil peeks out before opening the door with a smile. The man tells her something before handing her one incredibly large bouquet of dahlias in varying shades of red and pink and walks away. She stares at them with wide, curious eyes and then she sees him walking back with a second bouquet.
Two dozen baby roses in light pink are wrapped in kraft paper and tied off with a bright pink ribbon. It’s very similar in packaging to Soleil’s with the exception that hers is three times the size.
She thanks the man, and juggles the two arrangements as she closes the door. I don’t know what’s going on now that she’s closed the door because I only have access to her outside cameras, but I hope she loves the note.
My Sunny Girl-
You’re my moon, my sun and without you, night is never ending. The skies are no longer bright or happy, and rising each day is misery. All I’m asking is for you just to listen to what I have to say. After that, if you want nothing with me, I’ll leave you alone. I’ll never recover and will forever be yours, but I will let you go.
I love you, Soleil. Always and forever.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
Malik, your King
The note in Dahlia’s pink roses is simple but lets her know that I love her very much and while her mom is the moon and sun, she is the stars above.
I wait for her to text or call or email to let me know she got the flowers, but it never comes. Just another day without hearing the sound of her voice.
My phone rings and rings, pulling me from sleep and into my living nightmare that I reside in daily. My birthday has snuck on me and while I should be celebrating that I actually get a day this year –the pitfalls of being a leap day baby–it’s just one more day that reminds me I’m alone. Soleil still won’t talk to me, and I’m starting to lose hope that she ever will.
Danté said I’m being a little bitch and I need to just get over Soleil, and find a new chick to climb on. But he doesn’t understand.Only Henny knows what it feels like for your heart to be walking around on the outside of your body. And his advice to me…don’t give up.
And I haven’t. Lord knows I’ve wanted to because I just can’t take the pain any longer, but my heart won’t let me.
The phone keeps ringing and I slap my hand on my nightstand, searching for it. I grab it, look at the screen with bleary eyes and slide to answer.
“Hello.” My voice is thick and dry.
“Get the fuck out of bed. It’s five o’clock in the evening and we’ve been calling you for hours.” Hendrix’s sharp tone snaps me awake.
“What? No happy birthday Mal? No, we're so glad you were born?”
“Happy birthday. Now get out of bed and be ready in one hour. Day and I are coming to get you.”
“Wait. Why are you c–” the line goes quiet before I can even finish my sentence. “Coming to get me?”
I toss the phone on my mattress and stare up at the ceiling, debating on whether or not I should get up and do as Hendrix said, or just crawl into a black hole so no one can find me. Henny will come over, let himself in, have a drink and then leave because he’s not going to beg me to get up.
But if Dagen is with him, that’s a horse of a different color.
She’ll probably drag me into the shower and scrub behind my ears. So it’s probably best if I just get up and do it myself.
It takes me three times as long to get ready because my body is so drained of energy. I use it all up during the week for the kids and come the weekend, I’m lucky if I manage to eat. When I’m done I sit on the couch like a kid, waiting for whatever my friends have planned for me.
The bar is quite tame tonight compared to what a usual Saturday night in February is. If I were in my business mind, I’d be worried. But tonight, I’m happy that there are fewer people to contend with. I can only dole out so many fake smiles before I’m tapped out.
Dagen slides in next to me at our usual booth, and I hang my arm around her. I’m taking a big risk since Hendrix usually likes to rip the arms off of men who look at Dagen and beat them with it. But I’m his brother and Day is basically my sister, so he knows I mean nothing but respect and love by it.
“I hate seeing you like this, Mal.” Dagen lays her head on my shoulder and I rest mine on top.
Henny and D are playing darts with a few of the guys we ride with, and Kinsley is talking with a new guy I’ve never seen before. He came with the crew so until he proves otherwise, I’ll assume he’s a good guy.
“I hate being this way, Day, but I don’t know how to be just me again. It’s like I can’t remember the person I was before Soleil. I know it sounds so stupid, pining over a woman for that I dated for three and a half months, but there was this…”
“Feeling? Connection? Pull?” Dagen finishes.
“Sense of being whole. I thought I was complete when I found Henny and D. I had no clue how empty I truly was until she came into my life. Now, I feel emptier than before. I don’t know what to do about it.”
Her hand reaches up to pat my face. “If she really is the one who fills your soul and heart with love, then you just keep trying. Hold on to hope with both hands and be here waiting for her.”
She drops her hand and I lift the weight of my head off of hers. Tears swim in her eyes when she looks at me and I know it’s because we have a shared experience. She’s reliving the pain of losing Hendrix and more, through me. It’s the worst club to be a part of.
“I’ll be right back. Do you need anything?” She asks, as she stands from the booth.
“I’m good.” I raise my glass of water, the only thing I can stomach, and take a sip.
My eyes wander around the bar, looking at all of my friends and family laughing and having a good time. It’s my birthday but they’re the ones celebrating. This is not the way I imagined spending my birthday. I was convinced I would be toasting with my girl, and thanking her for making this life worth living.
My finger traces the lines of the wood table. The knots, the scratches we’ve put in it over the years, the dents from slamming glasses and bottles. All the imperfections hold a story. I reach into my boot and pull out the small knife I carry there. The same one that both Henny and D keep, as well. It’s a Dare brother thing.
I scoot into the corner of the large booth and flip open my knife, and begin carving away. I work with quick, yet controlled swipes until my carving is done.I stare at the small crown that surrounds a sun. It’s simple, only lines and dots, but it’s exactly what I imagined in my head.
“I don’t think the owner would take too kindly to you vandalizing their property.”
Chills rush across my body at the sound of the voice, and when I look to the source, I have to blink my eyes several times to make sure I’m not dreaming.
“Soleil?”