Forty-One
FORTY-ONE
SOLEIL
I spotted him the moment I stepped foot inside of Truth and Dare . He sat in the corner all alone, like he was a party crasher trying to go unnoticed. It broke my heart a little. It was like taking a look back at the boy who was abandoned by family after family. This time, it was me who abandoned him.
But with good reason.
For the last nine and a half weeks, I’ve replayed that night over and over again. Walking in and seeing the room that I thought belonged to King only to find out that King was Malik. The feeling of being watched, the nickname that King called me but coming from Malik’s mouth that I never really paid much attention to. All of those little moments that I should have put together, but naively wrote off, hit me like a ton of bricks and knocked the wind out of me.
All I could think to do was run. I didn’t see any way for him to explain away what he had done. He betrayed my trust. He went against the one thing he always promised to do; protect me.
I was so blinded by anger that there was nothing he could say or do in that moment to keep me from running. In all honesty, I’m still angry. But the time apart has allowed me to think about his actions. I’m still not okay with all that happened, but there are some that, knowing his childhood, make sense.
It also helps that my mother is a social worker and she explained to me what abandonment and fear and violence can do to a child. Because of that, I opened my mind to at least giving him the time he has begged for to tell me his truth. I’m not saying that it will change my feelings in any way, but I’ll listen and make some decisions after.
I can’t deny that my feelings for him exist in a tumultuous storm. The love I feel in my heart is real and true. However fast it happened, it’s the real thing. I know this because I’ve loved before and it’s a feeling that can’t be mistaken once it’s recognized. What gets me is the hold that Malik’s love has on me.
I felt Gene’s love in my heart, but Malik’s grips my soul. So quickly, he became entwined in my entire being.He began to flow through my veins and live in my mind. Maybe it’s the reason why I never put two and two together between Malik and King. Even though I was in King’s“presence”, it was Malik’s face I saw. He was always there, whether I realized it or not, lurking in the shadows. Figuratively and literally.
It’s the reason why, no matter how hard I tried over the last few months, he wouldn’t leave me. The nights were lonelier without his arms around me. The quiet was so loud I couldn’t hear myself think. Food didn’t taste the same, and movies didn’t make me smile. The real kicker is that it wasn’t only me suffering. Dahlia missed him, too.
She saw him at school, but that was as Mr. Dare. She missed Malik who sang songs with her and danced around. It was Malik, not Mr. Dare, who transformed his backyard into her own personal theater just so she could watch the same movie every week. And it was Malik who she ran to when she was hurt and needed comforting.
So when Dagen visited me yesterday, my weak will broke easily.
“Dagen? Hi. What are you doing here?” I opened the door to find her standing on my porch.
“Could I talk with you?” Her fingers were knotted and she looked unsure.
“Of course. Come in.”
I poured her a glass of sweet tea and we sat on my couch as the early afternoon filtered through the windows.
“Do you still love Malik?” She hit me with the hard question right out of the gate.
I knew the answer, but it was buried under denial. I hadn’t said it out loud in months, but it didn’t make it any less true.
“He’s in pain, Soleil.”
“Well so am I. I’m in pain knowing that he deceived me.”
“Men are dumb. They do things without thinking. In their minds, it’s justified. Trust me, I know this for a fact.”
She went on to tell me all about her and Hendrix and all of the obstacles they had to overcome. My heart broke and tears fell listening to all they lost. But I was healed when she told me that despite all they had faced, they found their way back to one another. They still work through the pain and deal with the aftermath of what was stolen from them, but it isn’t any different from what any normal couple goes through in life.
“The idiot messed up, big time. But he was the idiot I loved and no matter how much he hurt me or I hurt him, we just couldn’t imagine moving on without each other. So if you feel any of that for Malik, if you picture your future and he’s in it, don’t give up on him. I will not excuse what he did, but I think he’ll agree that he didn’t really see anything wrong.”
I nodded, understanding exactly what she meant. He looked at it as what one would do when they’re in love, and I saw it as completely stepping over the bounds of a healthy relationship. It was obsession andthe need to possess, when he probably thought it was what a relationship was supposed to look like.
I thanked Dagen for her words and took the rest of the day contemplating them. Could I see a future without him? Imagining him in my future meant love and laughter and a full life.Butwithout him, it was only me. Just like I envisioned after Gene’s death. I only saw a life of waking alone and eating alone with no one to experience the good and bad with.
When I woke up this morning, I decided I needed to at least hear his reasoning. I knew it would be skewed because he never witnessed a loving relationship between a man and a woman, but I had to give him a chance.
“Soleil?”
“Hi Malik.” I give him a small smile as I stand nervously at the table. “Happy birthday.”
“Hi.” He begins scooting across the leather bench until he stands right in front of me. “What are you doing here?”
“I heard it was your birthday.” Actually, I’d known it was his birthday.
I saw every day from where it was written in my calendar with a heart around it.
“God, you look stunning,” he tells me, raking his eyes up and down.
I may have made a day of shopping and lunch with Dahlia. She helped me pick out the perfect dress, knowing that I was going to see Malik, and suggested I get a new lipstick. She said he must like when I wear lipstick because he always wants to kiss me when it’s on. I think I agree.
“How have you been?” I ask him.
“Honestly? Horrible. Miserable. Broken.” Feelings I know very well. “I’m so sorry, Soleil. I never meant to hurt or betray you. I just…”
He looks around the bar at all the people who are now watching us. It feels like a hush spread and anything we were about to say would play out like a movie scene for everyone to observe.
He touches my hand but quickly pulls away. “Do you think we can talk privately?”
I nod and slip my hand into his. I swear I can hear his heart skip a beat when we touch. Or maybe it’s mine.
He guides us to the office and closes the door. It’s a typical, yet more upscale, office. Rich wood furniture, leather couch, filing cabinets, and papers littered about. As if I’m made of fine china, he helps me to sit on the couch then pulls a chair over to sit directly in front of me. I assumed he’d want to be right next to me, but it seems he wants to give me a little space.
“I need to start by saying I love you. That has never dwindled. In fact, I think it’s only grown stronger. You know the old saying, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Absence made my heart weak because you are the beat of it.”
I reach out and lay my hand on his. His face lights up and I see the way his eyes glisten.
“My actions were never meant to deceive you. I felt like you were untouchable. The mother of my student. A widow who, what I assumed, was still in love with her husband who had passed. A woman who turned heads with every step and could have her pick of any man. Then I saw you that day on my bike. The way you looked at me, I took it as a way I could get to know you as King because I didn’t think Malik stood a chance.”
“But Malik,” I pull back and knot my fingers in my lap. “The things we did as King and Sunny…that was something I’d never done before. And now I feel like it was a trick.”
“Not a trick, a selfish act by a man who thought it was the only way I could have you. It was wrong, I know that now. At the time, I thought it was just some fun that we’d have until you said stop. And when you did, I was perfectly okay because by that time I had you.”
“You’ve damaged my trust.”
“I know. Believe me I do. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and just be me. Although, it was me you were thinking about when you were with King.” My eyes go wide and I’m sure he can see the nervousness that lies in them. “I heard you whisper my name a couple of times.”
I groan, embarrassed and cover my face with my hands. He tugs them away and lifts my chin.
“There’s nothing to feel ashamed about. If anything, it only drove me to try harder.”
“But Malik, what about following me and watching? Who does that?”
“Me, apparently. I told myself it was just to make sure you and Dahlia were safe. I had this need to know what you were doing and where you were at all times. I can’t explain beyond that. It’s not the answer you want, but it’s all I’ve got.”
He continues to talk to me about things I didn’t know, some of them frightened me. Like checking my gates to make sure that they were secure, and following me to the stores because he was worried Wesley would either hurt me or convince me that Malik wasn’t the man for me.
When he’s done talking I stay silent, letting it all sink in. This is a lot to process, and I’m sure how I feel.
“I need some time to think about all of this. It’s…a lot.”
“I understand.” His words don’t hold conviction and he probably thinks he lost me again.
He ushers me to the door and I remember something I was told to give him immediately. “Oh. I almost forgot. This is for you.”
I open my purse and pull out a folded piece of paper. He takes it cautiously and unfolds it. The smile I see is the one I remember; warm and wide and genuine. Just like him.
“It’s from Dahlia.”
His eyes wander over the picture and he laughs. “Is that a cake?”
He turns the photo around and points at it. Three people stand in the middle of a grassy field. A large tree, a sun with a smiley face, and a banner that reads happy birthday and seems to just float in the air. The woman and the little girl –presumably me and Dahlia– hold hands and stand with smiles and cone shaped party hats. The man –Malik– has a matching party hat, but in his hand holds a large brown pile with a candle sitting on top.
“I think those are supposed to be brownies.” I cringe, looking at what appears to be and not what it really is.
“It looks like shit.” We laugh and I can only agree. “It’s the best present I’ve ever received. Thank you.”
I rise on my toes, balancing with my hands on his shoulders, and kiss his cheek. It’s gentle and I hear him inhale a longing breath.
“I’ll walk you out.”
“No,” I tell him. “You go enjoy your friends. For me, please?” He looks sad but he nods. “Bye Malik.”
“G’bye my Sunny Girl.”
He holds my hand, our arms stretching as I get further away until only our fingertips touch, and then I’m gone.
But maybe not for good.