12. Clayton
Clayton
Iused to have a routine.
Wake up. Go to classes. Check my emails. Do my homework. Go to bed. Repeat.
It’s changed over the last few weeks.
Max works Tuesday through Thursday at Quick Stop and each night afterwards he finds his way to my dorm and we study. The nights he has off, we go out for a bite to eat or a bike ride. I don’t throw up anymore, exposure therapy or whatever.
Every time we hang out, I try to push away my growing feelings for him because I can’t survive the heartache that would bring.
The rejection that would come. But I’m confused because I see the way he looks at me, the hint of something more in his eyes when he thinks I don’t notice.
When our eyes meet, that look in his eyes leaves.
Whenever he smiles at me, it always reaches his eyes.
We’ve spent hours getting to know each other and I fall more and more each day, each moment, each second. Even if he isn’t with me, he’s blowing up my phone with TikToks and memes.
We can’t escape each other and it’s only a matter of time before I crack and tell him that I like him.
I’m thinking about this as I sit with him, Maverick, and Dax at their spot. The smell of marijuana in the air, lingering just under my nose and soaking into my clothes.
“You want a hit?” Maverick asks me, pointing the joint in my direction.
“You ask me every time,” I say.
“I’m hoping one of these days I’ll get you to cave,” he smirks.
I’ve considered it, but only because I feel safe with Max.
“Maybe one day,” I mumble.
“What do you want to do for your birthday?” Dax asks Maverick, changing the subject.
We’ve all been wondering about this since Maverick’s birthday is this weekend. He’s turning twenty-three, having taken two years off before attending college. He’s the oldest of us all. He took a gap year before he came to college. Max turns twenty-two this year. Dax and I turn twenty-one.
“I was thinking of an amusement park,” he says, excited.
“Clayton, you should come with us,” Max says, taking the joint from Maverick. When he hits the joint, his cheeks hollow a little bit from sucking and it sends my mind right to places it shouldn’t be going.
My dick spikes up and I adjust myself nonchalantly, fixing my position on the couch.
“Oh. I mean, I don’t want to intrude on his birthday shenanigans,” I explain.
“Nonsense. You’re more than welcome,” Maverick says. “You’re basically one of us now. Just a… clean version,” he laughs.
“Oh, screw you,” I say, taking the joint out of Max’s hands.
“Wait, you don’t ha-” his words are cut off when I put the joints to my lips and suck. I start coughing a lung up. Dax and Maverick laugh at me, but they have so much light in their eyes.
It feels nice to be accepted. To be treated like I really am one of them. Even if I didn’t hit this joint, they may joke, but they’ve never tried to force it onto me and maybe that’s why I’m okay with taking a hit.
This one hit though? It might knock me on my ass.
For good measure, I take one more.
“Yeah, he’s gonna be fucked,” Dax jests. They all laugh and so do I. For the first time in awhile, I'm being laughed with and not at.
It's Saturday morning, the breeze in the air is still cool. Today is going to be a hot one and a day at the amusement parks sounds nauseating, but I'm going just to be able to see Max.
Getting into the backseat of Maverick's car with Max, he looks right at me. “I don't understand why we couldn't take the bike.”
“I can't do the bike and rollercoasters. You get one or the other and I figured it wouldn't be the bike.”
“Touché. Why do you get motion sickness so much?”
“It's been like that since I was a kid,” I say. “I've gotten used to the bike though.” Max smiles wide, no teeth as always, turning his head to the side to look at me.
“Graduation is coming up pretty quick,” he says.
“Yeah. Two months,” I confirm.
“You gonna go right for a job?”
“Probably not. I’ll take the summer off,” I look at him.
“You going to stay here or go home to Maine?”
I chose to come to Sunrise University because I wanted to get away from the Maine winters for a few years with every intention of going back home when I was done. But now the thought of leaving him behind makes me sick.
“I’m not sure anymore.”
“What changed your mind?” Max asks. I see Maverick look into the rearview mirror, making eye contact with me, eyebrows raised.
“Yes, Clayton. What changed your mind?” Maverick parrots.
“Nothing in particular,” I lied. Maverick smirks. Max doesn’t say anything.
The car ride falls into a comfortable silence. All of us staring out the window as we watch the world pass by in colors.
In the silence, my mind wanders. What am I going to do when we graduate? Stay here to be around Max? Follow him to wherever he plans to go?
I’m better off going back to Maine, even if my heart wants to stay.
My plans are to be an ER nurse back home. That has always been the plan. My heart can’t afford to stay here pining after someone who is never going to love me.
Even if I ended up loving him.