Chapter 15
15
“ H i, Dad.”
“Leo?” The surprise in my dad’s voice was clear over the sounds of talking and glasses clinking in the background. “What’s wrong?”
“Um. Nothing. I just wanted to say hi.” Lying on my bed, I’d been scrolling through my phone as I attempted to take my mind off the fact that I hadn’t gone to the student union—that I’d just turned it down for no other reason than my fears. Fear of holding Finn back and fear of being in a social situation. It was then that I realised I hadn’t spoken to my dad in over a month. According to my call log, I’d made six attempts to call him over the past four weeks, and I knew I’d left at least three voicemails, but the only correspondence we’d had were a few sporadic texts where he’d wished me luck in my assignments, and I’d replied.
The background noise suddenly cut out with the slam of a door, and my dad spoke again. “It’s a Friday night. Shouldn’t you be out with your friends?”
“I didn’t really feel like it. I’m having a quiet night in.”
He huffed through the phone. “Leo. What’s that attitude all about? Even I’m out with my friends. You should be out having fun and enjoying your student years, not shut up in your bedroom staring at a collection of pixels. It’s not healthy. I’ve told you this before.”
“Yeah. Um. I went out to a club the other day.”
“Now, that’s more like it. How’s uni going? Met any nice girls yet?”
“I’ve met a nice boy,” I said without thinking. There was a long pause, and I realised how that had sounded. “Not like that. I mean, I made a new friend.”
My dad laughed. “However you meant it, it’s good news. Means you’re out socialising instead of hiding yourself away. But, Leo, making a new friend or even a partner shouldn’t be something you have to tell me, not at your age. You’re a grown man, and you’ve been at that uni for nearly two years. What are you doing with yourself?”
I swallowed hard. “Well. Uh, I got my dance module results back. They?—”
“Tell me about your computing project, the one you were doing with the…what did you say in the text? A booking system? That’s something useful, a real skill you can build on. If you want me to use my contacts, put some feelers out for your future employment, you know I will. Just say the word.”
“Thanks.”
“Right. I’ve got to go. The pub quiz is about to start. Why don’t you call this new ‘friend’ and get yourself down to the pub, eh? I’ll talk to you soon. Take care, alright?”
The call cut out, and I threw my phone down next to me, letting my eyes close as I focused on taking deep, calming breaths. I knew my dad was just trying to be helpful, and I knew he struggled because he felt like he couldn’t relate to me, but it didn’t stop it hurting.
My phone vibrated softly with a text alert.
FINN:
Wish you were here. I hope you’re not working too hard
My dad’s words flashed through my mind.
It’s a Friday night. Shouldn’t you be out with your friends? You should be out having fun and enjoying your student years, not shut up in your bedroom staring at a collection of pixels. Why don’t you call this new “friend” and get yourself down to the pub, eh?
Another message came through.
FINN:
Not trying to guilt trip you! Just saying I wish you were here. Looking forward to a whole day of gaming tomorrow
Fuck. Resigned, I climbed off my bed and pulled on the hoodie that was draped over the back of my gaming chair.
Steeling myself, I entered the student union, immediately accosted by a wall of noise and the smell of stale alcohol and too much perfume and aftershave in the air.
I sucked in a shaky breath as I hugged the wall, moving in the direction of the bar. No one’s looking at you, Leo. If I kept repeating it to myself, I might believe it.
Rationally, I knew no one was actually paying me any attention, too focused on themselves or whoever they were here with, but my brain was anything but rational. I could swear I felt hundreds of eyes on me, but every time I looked around, no one was watching me.
Eventually, though, I made it to the bar without incident. A tiny smile tugged at my lips as I leaned against the counter. I’d done it. I was here, at the student union, all on my own, and—oh, now I had to speak to someone so I could order a drink.
Gripping the pitted wooden counter, slightly sticky beneath my fingers, I swallowed hard.
“Leo!”
My head shot up, and I was confronted by the sight of Charlie grinning at me from behind the bar. I frowned, my nerves momentarily forgotten.
“What are you doing here?”
He laughed. “Working, obviously.”
“Yeah, but I mean, aren’t you supposed to be meeting Finn and the—the girls?”
“After my shift. I wasn’t supposed to be working at all tonight, but they asked me to cover the first hour of someone else’s shift because they couldn’t make it in time, and I couldn’t turn down the extra money. I’ve only got another fifteen minutes left, then I’ll join them.”
Oh. That made sense. “I didn’t know you worked here,” I said.
“I guess it never came up.” He shrugged. “Want a drink? I’ll give you mates’ rates.”
“Please. Uhh.” I stared at the taps and then at the rows of bottles behind Charlie.
“Vodka and Coke? A little caffeine buzz for energy and a hit of alcohol to give it a punch?”
“Okay. Yeah. Thanks.”
Shooting me a grin, he grabbed a glass and added the vodka and Coke along with a generous helping of ice. Sliding it across the bar, he nodded towards the card machine.
I unlocked my phone and held it to the reader. When the payment confirmation showed up, I realised he’d only charged me a pound. My gaze flew to his, but before I could say anything, he held a finger to his lips.
“Mates’ rates, remember? It’s good to see you here. Go and find your boy and let him know I’m on my way.”
“M-my boy?”
Charlie laughed at whatever my face was doing. “Yeah. Finn. You know him? Plays football. So high.” He held his hand in the air. “Normally seen joined at the hip with a certain redhead.”
My face was on fire. A sound came out of my mouth that was definitely not a squeak, and I escaped the bar as fast as I could. Whether Charlie had meant something innocent with that comment or not, it brought all my insecurities flooding back. Fuck. What was I even doing here?
You’re here to prove a point to yourself. And to see Finn .
This talking to myself in my head was getting old, fast.
I sipped my drink as I made my way through the student union, scanning the faces I passed to see if I could spot Finn anywhere. Even though I was second-guessing myself, I was determined to see this through. After about five minutes of circling, my nerves were a little more settled. I still hadn’t seen Finn, but I’d managed to convince myself that people really weren’t looking at me.
Smiling down at my drink, I ran straight into a wall.
“Watch it, dickhead!”
Two things registered instantly. I hadn’t run into a wall but a person—a huge man, to be precise—who was now glaring at me. And my entire front was now soaked with beer.
“I-I-I’m sorry,” I burst out.
“Y-y-you fucking better be,” he sneered, mimicking my stutter with a curl of his lip. My stomach clenched, and I begged my body to not react outwardly, even as my lip trembled. “You spilled my entire fucking pint. What are you gonna do about it?”
“I-I’ll pay for a new one,” I gasped out, stumbling backwards as he loomed over me. “It was—it was an accident.”
Crowding up against my back, he followed me all the way to the bar, where he ordered another drink, and I paid for it with shaking hands. I would’ve given anything to see Charlie there, to have a friendly face in my vicinity, but he was gone.
The guy left after muttering something uncomplimentary about me that I really wished I hadn’t heard, and I made a beeline for the toilet block. Locked inside one of the stalls, I pressed my forehead against the door, closing my eyes and trying to breathe. I bit down on my lip so hard I tasted blood, but despite my best efforts, a tiny sob fell from my throat when I opened my mouth. Rubbing the wetness away from my eyes, I counted under my breath until my breathing was under control. Why couldn’t I be normal? Why did I have to fuck up so much?
I needed Finn. I didn’t care if it made me weak or needy or whatever; I just wanted him to wrap me in his arms and tell me everything was okay. Blindly, I stumbled out of the stall and made my way back into the student union, desperately scanning the crowds. My vision was blurred from the tears that wouldn’t stop forming despite my best efforts, and I rubbed my face with my hoodie sleeve, still wet from the drink that had spilled over me, before pulling my hood up over my head. Maybe it looked weird for me to have my hood up inside, but at least it would help to hide the fact that I’d been crying.
My heart was pounding, and my breaths were fast and shallow as I entered the part of the student union where the DJ booth was set up. The music was so much louder in here, the bass throbbing in time with my elevated heart rate, but it was a relief in a way because it gave me something else to focus on.
Lights swept across the packed dance floor, and then I saw Finn.
Leaning down to a girl I didn’t recognise, a familiar grin on his face, the one that came so easily to him, he looked completely at ease. He looked happy. As I stood, frozen in place, I watched him shake his head, his grin widening as the girl went up on her toes to say something into his ear, his hand casually landing on her waist to hold her in place while she spoke. My stomach churned, and as I tore my gaze away, I noticed Charlie next to them with his arm draped over Sophie’s shoulders. It took me a second to realise that Charlie wasn’t the only other one there—there was a whole group of LSU footballers and their friends and partners. Every one of them seemed confident and happy, enjoying their Friday night.
Like normal people do .
What was I doing? I shouldn’t have come here. If I went over there, Finn would feel obligated to speak to me, maybe even leave, and he was clearly having fun. I was all wrong for him. He deserved better than a stupid, clingy boy who was hopeless at interacting socially and couldn’t even fucking handle walking through the student union without messing up.
Tears filled my eyes again, and this time, I didn’t bother to brush them away. The only thought left in my head was that I had to get out of there before Finn saw me. I pushed through the crowds, mumbling apologies, receiving a sharp elbow to the ribs that made me gasp as the breath was punched out of me, but I didn’t stop. By the time I hit the bar area, I was running, swerving around people in my haste to get away. My rib was hurting from the elbow jab I’d received, my eyes were stinging, and I wasn’t paying enough attention to my surroundings.
“You again! Get out of my fucking way!” a voice snarled, and before I could register what was happening, I was being shoved, hard, and then I was falling backwards, hitting the wall with a thud. I crumpled to the floor, the cold surface tacky with spilled drinks.
Curling my body over, I made myself as small as possible.
“…probably drunk…”
“Did you see the way he was running?”
“…knobhead…”
“…already wasted, and it’s not even nine o’clock…”
The sobs tore from my throat unchecked. I couldn’t have stopped them if I’d tried. My breaths were coming so fast and shallow that I was light-headed.
I wrapped my arms around myself, my body trembling as I struggled to remember how to breathe.
“Leo? Leo?” A hand touched my shoulder, and I flinched. “Leo. It’s Nic. Are you okay? What am I saying? Of course you’re not.” The voice seemed to be coming from a great distance away, even though I could feel the hand on my arm and the heat of a body next to mine. I curled into myself even further, trying to make myself invisible as all around me, the whispers continued.
I was falling apart, and everyone was looking at me. Judging me.
An anguished sound ripped out of me, a sound I didn’t even know I could make, and Niccolò swore. Through the haze, I caught snatches of him saying words, words that refused to register in my brain. I didn’t know how long I remained there, trembling and trying to breathe through my sobs, but suddenly,the pressure of his hand was gone, almost instantly replaced by another. Two hands, this time, firmly gripping my shoulders.
“Leo. Take a breath. Like we do in dance. In, then out. With me.” I concentrated on the voice patiently repeating the instructions to me until I finally managed to take a deep, shuddering breath.
“Good. And again,” he said, and I breathed again, and then again, until the pressure in my chest lessened, and then, even though I didn’t want to, I opened my swollen eyes.
“Oh, babe,” JJ said sadly. “Come on. Do you think you can stand? Let’s get you out of here.”
Niccolò appeared in my field of vision, silently pulling my fallen hood back over my head. Together, the two of them helped me stand, JJ holding on to me and Niccolò doing his best to shield me with his body as we left the student union.
“My house is closest,” JJ murmured to Niccolò, steering me to the right. I drifted, letting him guide me wherever he wanted, too drained to think about where we were going and what we were doing.
The cooler air was replaced with warmth, and then there were stairs that seemed never-ending, but finally, there was a soft bed, and I was being carefully pushed down onto it.
“His hoodie’s all wet. Looks like someone threw a whole pint onto it,” Niccolò whispered.
“Yeah. Hey, Leo? Lift your arms, babe. We’re gonna get you out of these wet clothes, okay?”
I lifted my arms, hissing in pain when JJ brushed over the spot on my rib where I’d been elbowed.
“Leo? What is it?”
I licked my cracked lips and then attempted a reply, my voice coming out hoarse and broken. “Elbow. Ribs.”
“Those fuckers! I’ll chop their dicks off if they do that again,” Niccolò vowed, and somehow, I found myself almost smiling at his deadly serious tone.
“I’ll get some ice. Nic, get Leo a hoodie. The zip one over there by the window.”
I closed my eyes, not bothering to open them again while a clean hoodie was gently pulled over my shoulders and zipped up, and then a bag of something cold was pressed onto my ribs, right where it hurt. I let my head sink into the pillows, concentrating on breathing slowly and evenly.
The bed dipped next to me, and when I opened my eyes again, JJ was lying next to me, his hand rubbing up and down my arm. On my other side, Niccolò laid his head on my chest, keeping well away from my bruised rib, his body curling into mine. Like this, with their warm, comforting presence blanketing me, I felt like I could finally breathe properly.
“Do you want to talk about it?” JJ asked.
“Not really. But I guess I should.” Before either of them could respond, I began to talk, the words spilling out of me. I shared my conversation with my dad, and my decision to go out tonight and find Finn, and everything that had happened. By the time I finished, my face was wet with tears, my voice was raw, and JJ and Niccolò were both cuddling into me, comforting me in the best way they knew.
“You know you’re my friend, right?” Nic said quietly. “I know we haven’t spoken much, but I like you, Leo. And you know what? I love going out and partying, and I can be loud and dramatic and?—”
“My little drama queen,” JJ interrupted, giving Nic a fond smile.
Niccolò grinned at him and then continued. “My point is, I like all those things, but I don’t need all my friends to like everything I do or have the same personality as me. My boyfriend isn’t really a big partier, and JJ’s really, really isn’t. I mean, Daddy K would probably rather poke his own eyeballs out than be seen in the student union.”
“Where all his students are,” JJ interjected. “But he’s right. Boyfriends, friends, whatever—we don’t need to share all the same interests. I’m all for you pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, babe, because you’re capable of a lot more than you think, but not if it upsets you the way it did tonight.”
My lip trembled. “It’s my brain. It convinces me that there’s something wrong with me or that e-everyone’s staring at me and thinking horrible things. And then I saw Finn looking so happy, and then—” My breath hitched, and useless tears filled my eyes again. I was so fucking sick of crying. “Then I heard what people were saying about me when I got pushed over.”
Niccolò muttered something in Italian that I didn’t understand, but from the murderous look on his face, I was guessing it wasn’t complimentary.
“I’m sorry,” I said in a small voice. “Sorry you had to cut your night short to babysit m?—”
JJ covered my mouth. “Stop. You have nothing to be sorry for, and we’re not babysitting you. You’re our friend, and we want to spend time with you. Imagine it was me in your situation. Would you leave me there on my own when I was clearly as upset as you were?”
Slowly, I shook my head. Not that JJ would ever be in my situation—or so I hoped—but I would never dream of leaving him if he was.
“I think speaking to my dad earlier just triggered me. And you know I find it hard to be normal.”
“Normal doesn’t exist,” said JJ.
“Normal is boring,” announced Nic at exactly the same time. They looked at each other and laughed, lightening the heavy atmosphere.
I sighed. “Thank you. Both of you. You…you don’t know how much this means to me.”
Niccolò bit down on his lip. “We’re not the only ones who are here for you. I think…I think if Finn had known about all this, he’d be here right now.”
I shrugged, and he shook his head insistently. “Bennett says he talks about you a lot. He just drops you into most of his conversations without even realising he’s doing it.”
He did?
“Oh. Uh. Yeah, I don’t really think he needs to be bothered with all this, not while he’s out having fun after working so hard all week.”
JJ eyed me thoughtfully but didn’t comment, and after a few seconds of silence, Niccolò grabbed my hand, launching himself into a seated position.
“Enough moping. We’re gonna salvage the rest of this night.” He batted his lashes at me. “Leo, please will you teach me how to play Mario Kart so I can surprise my boyfriend by beating him?”
“Okay.” I climbed off the bed after him. This was what I needed. Something to take my mind off everything that had happened tonight.
And if I wished more than anything that Finn were there to wrap me up and tell me everything would be okay…that was best kept to myself.