Chapter 13 #3
“Did your soul already feel me, before your eyes had ever seen me? Did you feel it, when I pined for you? I get the feeling that I promised I’d never not touch you last time, even if nobody else would. Now you don’t like to be touched.”
“Fucking hell, that would be ironic. Everyone being too scared to touch me, now it’s me who doesn’t want to be touched.”
“I think the universe is turning us into a joke.”
“And we have this new horrific life to wade through while the cosmos laughs at us,” I agree.
“Well,” Mischa sighs, “at least the twentieth century is over and we don’t have to deal with any of that crap anymore.”
“Never say never.”
“I’ve really screwed up this new life already, by the way.”
“Oh, but this life is still young,” I tease him.
“Yay,” Mischa says, sarcastically.
“There’s been a lot of pain and bloodshed for both of us over the past twenty years, I think.”
“You’ve had it bad too then? Slings and arrows?”
I shrug. “Pretty bad, yeah, despite appearances.”
“I have serious problems that would probably ruin any relationship I could try to have,” Mischa sighs. “I should have a caution sign above me. That’s why I usually don’t have relationships.”
“I’m in a similar situation.”
“We might not be able to pick up where we left off this time.”
“There is no this-time or last-time,” I tell him. “It’s just a nice thought.”
“Maybe, and I know I should be patient with you, but I think this trip is still probably all we’ll get in this life. It was all I was really hoping for anyway.”
I look at the fire. “No pressure then.”
Mischa crosses his arms. “No, never.”
“Maybe if we didn’t screw up our lives so royally, we’d never have met either.”
“Like some sick devil’s bargain, huh? Maybe God hates us. This time’s gonna be really bad. I can feel the chaos fidgeting to be unleashed by our passion, and I don’t give a fuck. I want to caress your back. Can I?”
“Um... what?” I look at him.
“There’s this nice spot on your back.”
“My back, on me, specifically?”
“Uh-huh,” Mischa nods. “Only you. Can I show you?”
“Alright.”
He puts his hand under my shirt, moving it up my back.
“I think it’s right about...” he walks his fingers up my spine until he reaches a spot between my shoulder blades that feels like ecstasy, “there.”
I lift my head in recognition, and try not to let it show.
“Yeah,” he clears his throat. “Now imagine if I did that for hours, while you were on top of me.”
With that thought, his intense euphoric desire gets a vice-like hold on me, ensnaring me like an anaconda coiled around prey.
Mischa removes his hand from under my clothes. His eyes are welling, and I pretend not to notice.
“I should go,” I say, after watching the fire for a while, but I can’t move.
“It’s late,” Mischa says. “Don’t wake him. Stay with me. There’s enough room and bedding in my tent.”
“Did you bring extra for me then?”
“It’s best to be prepared. I have been waiting for twenty fucking years after all.”
I smile at the thought. “You wouldn’t try and force yourself on me?”
“Not force.”
“That’s the only way you are getting off tonight.”
He thinks about it. “No, I may have a wet dream, not that I sleep much at the moment. I haven’t been able to have sex since we met.”
“Why not?” I ask.
“My dick only has eyes for you. You’re giving me blue balls. I have touched myself several times thinking about you, but it only makes me want you more and...”
I laugh at the idea. “Jesus, want me more? As if your moon eyes aren’t already bad enough.”
“Exactly. And it makes me sad. But maybe it wouldn’t if you’re with me. Although I might not be able to stop if I started with you in the tent.”
We are headed down a dangerous path, but there is this part of me burning from his touch and I let recklessness overrun me.
“You can jerk off if I stay,” I blurt out, and my heart starts racing, so I throw in, “Anything to get you over me.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. We’re sorta friends, right? Besides, I’m indifferent, and I’m really trying to salvage this vacation. You said that reality plus fantasy equals nightmare, so maybe the nightmare will be a good reality check for you.”
“Would you want to... jerk off with me?” he asks.
Impossible.
But if I could, would I?
Wait, why even entertain the fucking idea?
“Christ. Give you an inch and you take a mile. I’m not going to jerk off with you.”
“But you don’t mind if I do?”
“No, I don’t mind. I asked you, remember? I mean, why would I care? I’ll be asleep.”
“What if I was spooning you?”
“That’s fine. I might have an allergic reaction if you do get too handsy.”
“Allergic reaction?”
“The seizures. It’s a fucking curse.”
“Why does that happen?”
“If I tell you, if they found out, they could use it against us.”
“Who?” he frowns. “I won’t tell anyone.”
“Anyone who wants to exploit us,” I shrug.
“Only our most trusted people know what happened, and that does not include our dad. With rich people who have issues, you can do all kinds of fucked-up things to control them. We’re not talking about me as a person.
We are talking about an unfathomable fortune that influences everything and everyone.
My brother has obvious issues, but his birthright can’t be taken.
Mine is not so certain so I have to be bulletproof, and protecting myself protects him.
I don’t even want my inheritance but anyone who does would have to take it from me and this could be the perfect way to do it. ”
“But can you give me some idea what it is?”
I remember the version that doesn’t sound so brutal.
“A couple years ago, after our parents lost custody, someone attacked me and left me for dead. Luckily, my brother always knows how to find me,” I clear my throat.
“It sounds spooky, but he can hear me in his head sometimes, and I told him the way, but by the time he got to me I was half dead. It’s a miracle I’m alive. ”
“Jesus Christ.”
“Billy thinks that maybe our dad put someone up to it. I’m not so sure. I don’t actually remember anything, but my body does.”
“William remembers?”
“He just says I wasn’t moving, and there was so much blood that at first he thought they had ripped my skin off. My injuries were severe, and the damage is done. It’s always triggered by being touched, and it can be painful.”
“You think we will be okay?”
“I just saw a healer so I’m very optimistic. If it goes wrong, lie on top of me till it gets better.”
“Lie on you?”
“You know what? This is a terrible idea...”
“It’s a great idea. Can I touch the rest of you?”
“Yes. Just don’t touch my dick.”
“Touch your ass?”
I roll my eyes. “Sure.”
“So you are saying... just so I understand... you will get in my tent with me, let me jerk off, let me touch you, even your ass, just not on your snook...”
“Uh yeah I mean you’re making this weird but yeah you can touch my skin, just don’t inspect me. Besides, I only wear boxers and a tee to bed.”
“Only wear boxers...” his breath shortens.
“You okay?” I ask.
“I’m fine,” he coughs, and manages to inhale. “This is not usually my style, you know...”
“Don’t be a pussy,” I smile.
“Is this a trap? I don’t know. It’s a little rapey.”
“Oh fuck off,” I frown. “Don’t use words you don’t understand, idiot.”
“But..”
“You want absolution?” I do the sign of the cross over him. “Go with grace. Nut on me, just don’t penetrate me.”
“Why would you do that?”
“If I were awake, I’d probably have a seizure,” I shrug, “but I want it for you.”
“You want it for me? That’s a good start. But why?”
“I don’t know. Pity? This boy who went through a horrific war, for years and years.
Who is alone in the world, desperate and love sick.
That sucks. Who would I be to deny him one of life’s simplest pleasures?
” I shrug. “After this trip you’ll never see me again and I don’t want you to be sad when I’m gone.
Also bringing the cooler on the walk was pretty neat. ”
“Pity? Nobody’s ever... I was hoping you’d say it was a good kiss...” he trails off, clearly deflated.
I let out a frustrated sigh. “It was a good kiss.” I don’t need to look at him to know that got a smile out of him.
“That doesn’t change anything about what I can and can’t do.
I know it’s not what you’re used to and it makes me lame and weird.
” He goes to talk but I stall him with a hand motion.
“But if you want this, and it will help you move past me, then yeah I want... I want it.”
I spare him a glance, and he is nodding like I just said something important, sacred even, and he is absorbing every word, and then the spell breaks.
He blinks a few times. “Do you think you might want to continue this conversation lying down in the tent?”
I splutter with laughter. “Calm down, let me finish my drink.”
I yawn a little while later.
“Time for bed?” he asks, still eager.
I nod. “It’s been a long day.”
???
I have never seen someone brush their teeth so vigorously. It’s a frenzy of foam and scrubbing while manically staring at me. It’s so funny that I giggle at him as I do my back molars and spit out the toothpaste.
I feel... happy? That’s a thing I haven’t felt in years. That doctor healer lady really got me feeling like myself again. I know the feeling will fade but I want to enjoy it for now.
Mischa leads me by the hand to the small tent and pulls me inside.
“I need to take my clothes off,” I tell him.
“Well, don’t be shy,” he says, encouraging me.
“I’m not taking my clothes off in front of you.”
He turns around like a gentleman until I get into my sleeping bag.
“Good night.” I kiss him on the cheek and roll over. “Have fun.”
“Are you asleep now?” he asks the moment the flashlight is off.
“No,” I say.
He goes quiet again.
“Austen,” he whispers, a few moments later. “Are you asleep?”
“Almost,” I laugh. “You keep waking me.”
???