Chapter 13 #4
I can’t sleep. My trousers are folded beside me. I feel the syringe in the pocket, but I can’t bring myself to take it. I know he won’t hurt me if I do, but just can’t do it. I hadn’t planned to be conscious. I don’t know where to go from here.
We’ve been lying in silence for a while.
Waiting. Mischa lies behind me and spoons me.
It feels better than it has any right to.
I can feel him shifting behind me. Mischa’s hard cock is pressing up against my back.
This is so foreign to me, but I feel so safe as well.
I have a hard-on too. I take my hand off the pocket.
I’m rocking gently as Mischa moves back and forth behind me.
He unzips my sleeping bag. His hands are on my skin and moving up my chest. He reaches back down to hitch up my top until it catches under my armpits.
He kisses my neck, then back, and squeezes my chest.
Mischa kisses hard on my collarbone and it feels good. His lips work down my spine to that spot. I arch my back and whimper involuntarily. Now he knows I’m awake, if he didn’t before. His excitement crests and he starts sucking and biting my back in the spot making heavy noises.
I’ve never heard anyone moan my name before, “Baby, Baby, Baby.”
The seam on my underwear pressing into me feels too good.
I need to lie on my front to try and contain this stimulation.
Mischa follows me and gets on top. Now my hardness is grinding into the ground with his movements.
He kisses my neck in a spot that feels like white heat all over my body.
I suppress a moan. His mouth is hot and eager over my shoulders.
His hands reach mine above us and our fingers stitch together.
I turn my head back and our mouths meet.
I squeeze his fingers hard between mine.
I can’t catch my breath, and he starts groaning.
“You want me to fuck you Baby?” he asks.
I want him to. I want to.
I can’t get the words out. They are stuck. Talking could set me off, so I don’t want to say anything.
"Mmm,” I hum.
I turn over and pull him to me, and we kiss again. Our lips are firm when they press together, but somehow melt into soft pillows once they join. They know what to do, even if I don’t. My legs know what to do too. They open and let him in so he can press against me fully.
“You want to?” he asks again.
I want to beg him to fuck me.
“Don’t stop,” I manage to say, finally.
He starts ripping all his clothes off. My hands touch him and his do the same.
He cries out and I moan again. I want to take my clothes off too, but instead, I feel a sudden jolt, and know we’ve awakened the monster.
Shit. I want to push it down, to feel this good a little longer, but I’m hit with another, bigger jolt. Goddamit.
Now Mischa’s naked and in my sleeping bag.
Beautiful Mischa. He kisses above and below my navel.
I’m fighting as hard as I can to stop the spiral, but I’m losing.
I try to relax every muscle one by one to calm my brain, but this is a high pressure situation.
He nuzzles the nape of my neck, and nudges me like a dog trying to wake me.
“Baby, you okay?”
The jolts are coming faster now and I don’t want him anywhere near them.
“Wait,” I breathe.
He stops. The tent starts spinning and I get dizzy. I take a second to try to lift my foot and definitely can’t. This is not good. Can’t open my eyes either. My muscles have lead weights attached to them. Every minute it gets worse. It takes a lot of energy to stay with it.
“Did you say ‘wait’?” Mischa asks, and puts his ear to my mouth.
“Yeah,” I tell him. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay. Why are we whispering?”
“Can’t... move,” I say, spacing the words apart.
“Can’t move?”
“Sort of paralyzed. It doesn’t feel nice. Even to talk.”
He lifts my hand and it flops back to the ground. It tingles so much it hurts.
“Pain,” I wince.
He shines the light in my eyes and sees they’ve rolled up in my head.
“Oh shit,” he gasps, sounding scared. “Should I get help?”
“Don’t. He’ll blackout and kill you, and stress makes it worse...”
“What should I do?”
“Do whatever you want.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s not like I can stop it.”
At the very least, having this guy ravish me will distract from the jolting flashes. Maybe.
“I’m not going to assault you.”
“Is this a dream?”
“No.”
“You can hear me?”
“Barely. You’re hardly making noise.”
“It’s fine. I can’t feel it.”
“Yeah that’s not the point.”
“Just take what’s left of me.”
Mischa pauses. He thinks for a moment before he lines his head up with mine. He kisses the tip of my nose and I smile.
“I don’t want to take what’s left of you,” he says.
“Is this really not a dream? Shit.”
“I’m sorry someone took some of you to begin with. If you want them dead, just give me a name.”
“My brother has it covered.”
“I like William so much more all of a sudden.”
“I should never have said that. Please don’t repeat it.”
“I already forgot what it was. Something about spaghetti?”
“Thank you,” I breathe in relief. “Sorry I’m like this.”
“Don't apologize. Shouldn’t I apologize? I don’t actually know if I gave you an allergic reaction or I put weight on an injury and broke you?”
“No; my brain’s a naughty puppy. This is a psychogenic seizure. Not a bad one, but hard to speak when I’m this dizzy. I don’t even know where I am. I only know I’m talking out loud because you’re talking back. If I try move, it’ll be very uncoordinated, and could put me in a sort of fit or coma.”
“You said to lie on you?”
“If that’s too weird, there’s a syringe in the pocket of my jeans and you can knock me out.”
“Right,” he thinks about it. “Knocking you out would actually be weirder. I want to give you a good time, I just don't want to make it worse.”
“You’re sweet; this is my worst nightmare and you’re making it nice.”
“I’d really love to lie on you, or just like, hug you for a minute?”
“That might work. Please don’t read into it.”
He laughs, and cradles me in his warm arms. “I think we should probably have a safe-word.”
“What?”
“You know when you’re being tickled and you say uncle to get them to stop?”
I have no idea what he is talking about. “I don’t have an uncle.”
“That’s fine. We can choose something else.”
“Do we have to?”
“It would make me feel more comfortable,” Mischa says.
“Sounds lame.”
“My safe word can be ‘Queenie’. What’s a name that makes you feel really safe?”
I can’t remember why he wants a name.
“A name? Hmm. Honey?”
“That’ll be confusing if you ever call me that.”
“I won’t. Bee?”
“Ugh,” he gags. “Not that, because it’s your brother’s nickname. What would you say if you were scared or uncomfortable?”
It’s so hard to think. I get so heavy that I sink out of my body and start spinning in the void and I can’t remember where that nice boy is. Somewhere in the world, I guess. I can only think of the names of people I love.
“Kane... Marcella. Philippe. Mischa. Isobelle... Sabrina. Sabrina? She’s my... erm... girlfriend.... yeesh...”
“Ugh. Absolutely not. Maybe like a pet or something you loved when you were little and made you feel safe.”
“Oh, Austen. I can say Austen.”
“Okay,” he thinks about it. “Alright. Weird, but sure. If you ever don’t like something, say your name and I’ll stop.”
I’m getting confused. “Austen’s not my name, it was my teddy bear’s name.”
“Right.”
“If I fit, I don’t talk.”
“How will I know you’re having a fit?”
“You’ll know. It’s about to happen. Please get my inhaler, in my pocket.”
He retrieves the canister and puts it to my lips. I suck on the narcotic dispenser and breathe it in. I feel the pain lifting off and I relax a little.
“Alright. What now?” he asks.
“You need to orgasm and get over that guy you’re in love with.”
“That’s okay, I would rather spend a million days with you and I never get off, if it meant you were alright.”
“Mischa. Your name is Mischa, as sickly sweet as Honey.”
“Only for you baby. So why did you want me to lie on top of you?”
“Because the monster’s almost here. Hurry.”
“Sure.”
He lowers himself down on me. I can tell he wants to protect me and his weight settles on me till it’s like the only thing in the whole world.
I get that creeping feeling. It attacks and my body short-circuits.
The flashes crash into my brain and I jolt with image after image that I see behind my eyes.
My breathing gets more and more restricted as my mind rushes off, and my muscles seize up, like they are being twisted and pulled.
I whimper in pain. While I spasm, he strokes my hair, and I can actually feel it.
“Baby?” he whispers.
I’m so far away, but hear him over the sound.
The horrible screams. I find me deep in the woods, by an ancient silent pond.
A frog leaps in the water. The noise makes a splash.
Maybe this could be Japan, but I have no idea where, or how to get back.
I can’t remember, that place where my body is, so I call to him.
“Where are you?” I ask.
“Right here,” Mischa whispers to me on the rustle of leaves.
“I’m lost, but I can hear you a little.”
“Come back to me,” Mischa begins to chant quietly. “Come back to me, come back to me.”
I follow the sound of his voice back to the tent in the desert far away.
I watch the two of us in the tent as he kisses on my forehead, chin, cheeks and eyes, runs his thumbs along my eyebrows.
It’s soothing, and I’m back in my body in a few seconds.
Not too bad, as these things go. Surprisingly short.
“Jesus Christ it’s like being abducted by fucking aliens,” I giggle.
I catch my breath, and thank him between his kisses.
“Oh God,” he says, his breathing stressed. “I thought you died for a second there.”
“Inhaler.” I say.
He puts it to my mouth again. I pass out for a few seconds.
“You okay?” he asks.
“Try it,” I tell him, when I come around.
Mischa breathes it in, and gets real high real fast.