Chapter 15 Austen
I’m staring at the wall in my room. I’ve just watched Mischa touch himself, and I feel the most intoxicating desire to spend the night with him.
I can still feel him on top of me from last time, and I can’t take it anymore.
I want him so much, I just don’t want to have a stupid seizure, or to be behind a screen.
I want to feel him touch me, but I can’t.
I don’t know what I should do. Someone has to tell me what to do.
I know what they’ll say, “Go for it.” I Just need to hear it.
They need to know I’m choosing to try to have sex with someone, no matter if it makes me comatose for the rest of the bloody trip.
I go to my brother’s room, but he’s not there.
He’s not in Isobelle or Sabrina’s room either. They are sleeping.
“Come to bed Baby,” Isobelle croaks, when she starts to stir.
She pulls off the blanket to let me in and she’s naked. It’s her favorite and default setting.
I sit at the end of the bed. “I can’t sleep.”
“Mmm. Where’s Honey Bee?”
“Don’t know. He must have gone out.”
“You think he’s trying to make it up to that girl?”
“No,” I say.
“Have you made it up to Mischa?”
“Not exactly.”
“You should.”
“I’m trying.”
“Maybe it would help you sleep, if you did?”
“Yeah.”
“You won’t be pushed out of your body forever, you know, when you’re doing it.”
“How’d you know about that?” I ask.
“Honey Bee told me. You’ve been busy on this trip.”
She thinks I slept with Amelia too.
“Not really,” I say.
“I’ve been worried lately that you might try kill yourself again.”
“I feel different lately.”
“Mischa’s making you happy. You just need sex, Baby Bee. And to watch me bathe in the blood of our enemies. Then more sex. It really is that simple.”
“That’s kinda one of the hundred problems. I don’t want him to find out we’re homicidal maniacs.”
“Fighting back is not homicide in the eyes of the law. They deserved it. Stop feeling guilty. Besides, it’s none of his fucking business. When his mother dies in front of him, he can come talk to us.”
I almost want to tell Isobelle about Mischa’s life, but I don’t.
“I like him. I’ve already done a few things with him. It didn’t go so well.”
“Every time is different.”
“Will I get my heart ripped out?”
“Absolutely,” she smiles, her eyes still closed, “and it will totally be worth it. For me too, because I’ll have the pleasure of ripping his heart out to avenge you.”
“Please don’t.”
“And I’ll show it to him while I drink his blood.”
I smile at the thought. “Honey says he’s always behind a screen and detached when he’s with people.”
“Not always. He’s good now, sometimes. It will take you a little time.”
“Yeah.”
“He did it for you, you know.”
“What do you mean?”
“Pushed himself. Became a whore, to cover for your aversion to all of it. It’s mostly smoke and mirrors,” she grins. “A big song and dance. He just wants everyone to leave you alone. He thinks you need more time.”
“Maybe I do.”
“The problem is, he can’t take much more of this. The little cracks in his spirit are starting to show, darling. He needs to rest.”
“Yeah, I know,” I sigh. “Stick to the solid plan.”
“We’re so close to the finish line.”
“So close to having the life we never wanted.”
“Oh Bubs.” She opens her eyes. “We always knew it would be a hard road.” She puts her hand on mine. “But at least we have each other, and soon I can finally kill James. I get wet just thinking about it.”
“Can’t wait,” I say.
“I love you my Beebee.”
“I love you too, like you were my twin as well.” I tell her. “Of my own free will, I’m now going to try to have consensual sex with a partner of my choosing. Fingers crossed I’m not catatonic by the end of it.”
“Practice, practice, practice,” she laughs.
“I want you to hold on to my alert bracelet. I don’t want Mischa to press it if things go wrong, and have Lord Tyrannus to burst in and see who I’m with, and lose his fucking mind over it.”
“Fair enough. Give Mischa my number instead,” she says. “Good luck.”
“Thank you,” I say, and kiss her on the temple.
I close her door, and stare down the hallway. I have to be with Mischa. I need him, as much as he needs me. Tonight is the night to try again.
I go down to the spa, but he’s gone. I go to his room and knock. He’s not there.
I slide a note under the door, and go back to my room to wait, staring at the ceiling.