Chapter 21
When I wake at the airport, before we fly back to America, it’s messy.
We’re alone in the car with the monster.
Everyone else is getting luggage up the stairs to the jet.
My brother is an angry, scary, shaking mess.
He has a black eye too, so I guess he glitched at some point.
His rage is different from the blackouts. New to me.
“What would he do if he found out about us?” he asks me.
Poor Bee. He’s terrified. I’m worried too. I embrace him and tell him it was a one time thing. I know it has to be.
“There’s nothing to find out,” I tell him. “Nothing happened, so there’s nothing to know. It was just a bit of fun. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.”
“They never stop coming,” he sobs.
“Mischa’s not here to hurt us, I promise. If he’s a problem, we can deal with him.”
“I do like him,” he says. “He’s sweet. I don’t want to hurt him.”
“I didn’t mean you. I meant me and the girls. We’ll take care of it. I’ll always choose you. I’ll always protect you.”
Then he cries. He never cries. He begs for forgiveness.
“You did nothing wrong,” I say, and wipe his tears.
We say sorry and I love you to each other and I give him lots of pats.
I say he needs to rest, and he agrees that he can’t be here much longer.
I tell him he did really good, that I’ll miss him, and I’ll come find him soon, and we say goodbye to one another.
Then we get on the plane together, eat popcorn and watch a movie. Then Mischa wakes up.
Mischa takes me to the bathroom. I like it too much.
I like him too much. It’s almost a need.
My beautiful Mischa. I want to protect him from this, the thing that could destroy him, from the monster.
From me. He makes me climax so hard that my ears are ringing and it feels like I have an icepick in my skull.
It should have never gone this far. Pain and revulsion run through me.
I start to sweat. I feel so unwell it’s like my body has been poisoned.
I tried to straighten this mess out and I just dug the hole deeper.
What would Billy do if he found out? He would kill Mischa just as a starter.
He can never know. I have to protect him or else.
.. I feel like I am starting to panic. The air around me feels thick and my throat feels like it's being strangled.
Pretty soon I am violently ill. Mischa sees the whole thing.
“I can’t do this,” I say. “I’m sorry.”
I can’t look at him. It almost feels like it’s out of my control, and I have to go along with this thing with Mischa, even if I don’t want to.
My mind wants to stop but my body’s weak.
Like his willpower is overrunning my own.
I try to remind myself that nothing is set in stone, and that calms me a little.
I don’t belong to him, I belong to Bee. I said the thing I needed to say.
I can leave Mischa in the dust once we land.
It’s already decided. I never have to see him again. I shut my eyes tight.
???
After landing the girls are talking to Mischa. They come over to me as I head for the exit. I hold my hand up to Sabrina before she tries to say anything.
“I need to get out of here,” I tell her.
“Mischa’s too tired to drive all that way,” she says. “And Amelia’s staying with her friends in Boston. Can you drive his car?”
"I cannot drive him home, Kitten. For fuck’s sake. Can everyone just stop trying to play matchmaker? Get Hayden.”
“Honey said Hayden had to ride with you.”
“Honey can drive Mischa then.”
“He left with Kane already, and you know he’s not well anyway. He can’t drive like that. So...” Sabrina thinks about it, “I’ll get Izzy to do it?”
Isobelle stares at me silently.
“No!” I say, feeling the panic rise. “That’ll look weird. I’ll do it, but you gotta come.”
???
Mischa even likes the kind of cars I like. He has an old British off-roader. I ask him if he drove it through a swamp before he left.
“More-or-less,” he shrugs.
We both stare straight ahead as I drive the mud-covered truck down the freeway. Hayden is with Sabrina in the back seat. I look at his gas meter and realize we’re running on fumes.
“We need to fill up,” I sigh, trying to hide my frustration.
“I’m hungry,” Sabrina says, as we take the offramp to a service centre. “Can we grab food from the diner? You could go through the carwash while I get something?”
I nod. “Order something for us too.”
She turns to Hayden and waves her purse. “My shout.”
Hayden looks at me. “Is that cool?”
I nod again. They leave and I’m alone with Mischa.
“Thank you,” he says, as we pull in behind another car waiting for the drive-through car wash. “I’m so jet-lagged, I can’t even imagine driving.”
“Did you plan this?” I ask him.
“I didn’t even ask for this,” he says. “The girls said you offered.”
“I think that was a misunderstanding.”
“It’s just the fates, Austen.”
“Yeah,” I say, and look away.
“It was wrong what I did, on the plane. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking,” he shakes his head and looks distraught. “Touching me made you sick.”
“No, Mischa,” I say. “That’s not true. I’m a trained fighter.
I could fend you off and even kill you if I wanted.
The problems this causes made me sick. You are right, I say one thing and do another.
Lying to myself. It must be driving you insane.
It was the most honest moment of my life; I’ll treasure it forever. ”
“Why are you talking like it’s over?”
“It’s just not allowed.”
“Not allowed?”
“I want you, but can’t have you,” I say.
“...Okay,” he frowns. “Why?”
“I have lost everyone but the people with me on that boat. If I choose you, it all falls apart, and I’ll lose them. I just can’t do this anymore. It has to end.”
He takes it in, with a somber, tired acceptance. “That was the deal, I guess. Not like we can be friends anymore,” he sighs. “It’s fine. Totally fine.”
Wait.
This feels so wrong. Deep deep down in my soul, I am shaken.
Mischa would never let me go. That’s what he said.
He’d never let me go. I have to reject him, because I have to, so I did.
I’ve done my duty. Mischa has to ignore what I say, and do the opposite, so it’ll all be his own fault.
He has to scream and cry, start yelling, telling me I belong to him, grab my hair, and force a kiss on me.
But he doesn’t do anything. He just accepts it, like a fucking asshole.
I don’t know what to do. I panic in silence and stare ahead.
Is he really going to break up with me like this?
That’s cold. If I call his bluff, I might be calling my own bluff at the same time.
That will make me look like such a bastard.
He’ll never trust me again. God I hate myself.
I’m so disgusting. Why would he even want me?
How could we ever even be together? I’ve screwed it up now anyway.
Should I call my therapist right now? Would she even answer?
How do I even explain this? She would have a lot of catching up to do. ..
Mischa looks at me, and it seems like he’s thought of a narrow way forward. Hope leaps inside me.
“What?” I ask.
“Want to say goodbye properly? Then I’ll get away from you forever and you won’t hear from me again.”
“Alright,” I reply, hesitantly.
He grabs my collar and pulls me to him, kisses me hard and I feel myself heating up. His hands run up and down my back, knowing exactly where it feels good. He starts taking off his clothes.
“Stop,” I hiss.
In seconds he’s down to his underwear.
“I need to get you the fuck out of my system,” he says. “You know the safe word.”
“We cannot,” I start.
“Yes we fucking can. The guy in front is putting in his little code for the carwash, and he’ll be inside there in a minute. The guy behind can’t see us. Give me this carwash and I’ll leave you alone. Forever.”
His boxers are tenting. I swallow. I want to... and this is goodbye... it is extremely cold, but his body doesn’t seem to know it, so I turn up the heater for him.
“How thoughtful,” he says, and gives me a kiss on the cheek, “but I’m burning up.”
“This is a terrible idea...” I start.
I watch the garage door close the car in front of us inside the cleaning apparatus. Mischa’s hand is at my crotch and he releases my cock from my pants.
“Are you gonna let me deal with this situation, or are we going to have a very awkward ride home?” he asks. “The others might have questions about why your dick is halfway to the ceiling...” the corner of his mouth curls into a smirk. “Might as well get the most out of our farewell.”
He strokes me slowly. I check outside. It’s out of view of everything. Just a concrete wall. This is our last time. My only fucking time. We ought to make the most of it.
I lean back into my seat and he kisses my neck. I let the warm heat of his touch flow through me. I kiss him like the first time. His hands are slow and delicate, and pure ecstasy. I moan as I get close and he slows down.
“Baby,” he says, “I want you in my mouth.”
The automatic door in front of us starts lifting up.
He leans over me and presses the button to put the window down, and then goes back to rubbing my cock.
I lean out and put the code in the machine and I see my breath in the cold air coming out in hard pants.
A green light comes on and I drive the car forward until a red light comes on to tell me to stop.
“Have you ever played Seven Minutes in Heaven?” he asks, giving me butterfly kisses.
“What?”
The roller doors close and we are alone.
“Get in the fucking back seat,” he barks at me. “Now.”
I jump in the back and so does he. He kisses me hard and growls with pleasure. Then he’s on his knees.
“I just...” I say. His lips are already around the head of my dick and I can’t get any more words out, except, “Oh fuck.”