CHAPTER 2 — BELLE
As soon as I send Ajax out of my room, dread, excitement, and nervousness roll into one. I feel like I’m poking the bear, but I can’t help myself.
It reminds me of something I used to do when I was little. I’d sit beside the light switch while my dad watched me. He’d lock eyes with me and say, “Don’t do it, Belle.”
And I’d do it anyway.
Just like I did with Ajax.
He tells me not to come, and I come. He tries to order me around, so I order him out of my room.
You’d think I’d be more sexually experienced for someone this audacious, but I’m not. And that’s part of why I do it.
I act that way because it’s fun, but I’m also nervous about sleeping with him. After what happened with the last guy I slept with, sex has been weird for me, and I haven’t had it in a year. I know for sure that I want to sleep with Ajax, but what can I say? It’s been a long time.
I’m glad that, even though he’ll make me answer for my brattiness, he’d never punish me for saying no to sex.
You’d think the most respectful guys would be the Christian ones. And I’m sure there are plenty of respectful Christian guys. But funnily enough, the guy you’d expect to be the least respectful turns out to be the most respectful.
Ajax.
I check my phone. I’ve been checking it constantly since I ordered him out of my room. I know he’s going to retaliate, and I’m both nervous and excited to see what he cooks up, but he hasn’t so much as texted me.
And now it’s been two days. I’ll admit, I’ve been thinking about him a lot. The more time passes, the more I think about him.
I would normally never text a man first, but I’m tempted. You know what? Why not? Maybe I will.
The memory is fuzzy, but I remember Ajax taking my phone after the party, entering his number, and calling himself. I scroll through my contacts until I find him.
“Stranger.”
I chuckle, remembering how long it took me to learn his name.
I open his contact and text him.
“Hey, stranger... Stop being such a stranger.”
I wait for his response.
Twenty minutes pass. Nothing.
I sigh and plop down on my bed, frustrated. I start thinking about him and what he has in store for me, then reach under my bed for my vibrator.
My cheeks heat up as I grab it. Why do I feel embarrassed doing something that's totally normal by myself? God, I hate the church conditioning. I hate the purity culture. Every day it seems like I'm getting closer and closer to leaving.
But as of now, I'm still a member, and the shame is still there, as much as I wish it wasn't. I turn on the toy, and it's loud.
I put in my noise-canceling earbuds so I don’t have to hear it. Lame, I know, but even the sound embarrasses me.
Then I settle into my fantasy. Ajax on top of me. Sliding into me. Calling me his good girl.
I get carried away. Just as I’m about to come, the door bursts open.
My eyes fly open, and I hastily pull the covers over myself.
“What the—”
Just as the rest of the curse is about to leave my mouth, I register what I’m seeing. Ajax is standing beside Christine, my best friend and roommate, who’s supposed to be at Bible study tonight.
“I thought you were at—” I say, my face growing hotter.
“It was canceled.” She averts her eyes. “I ran into him downstairs looking for you. We tried knocking, but nobody answered, and I figured—”
“Wait, why is he here?” I ask, narrowing my eyes.
“Oh, he wanted to borrow a Bible. He said he was interested in learning more about the church.”
I look at Ajax. He has the biggest shit-eating grin I’ve ever seen.
“Liar,” I hiss.
“What?” Christine asks. “It’s a great thing, Belle. He’s interested in—”
“He’s bullshitting you,” I say to Christine.
“Language,” she says.
“Language? Yeah, Belle. Language. You’re not much of an example, are you?” Ajax says, raising his eyebrows.
Christine shakes her head. I bury my face in my hands. Could this get any worse?
“Christine,” I say slowly. “He’s not interested in learning about Christ. He came here because—”
I pause. Wait, what am I going to say? He came here because he wants to fuck me?
That’s even worse.
I stop and make eye contact with him. He's smirking again. He's got me. Fuck.
“Well, sorry again,” Christine says, stammering. “How about I let you guys talk about whatever this is?”
She gestures toward the door. “I’ll go grab coffee. I’ll text before I come back.”
“Take your time,” Ajax says. “I think I might need some private tutoring from this one.”
He looks at me. I blush.
Christine looks at us, eyebrows furrowed. She’s so pure that she probably doesn’t even understand the insinuation.
“Sure,” she says. “All right, see you.”
And quick as a flash, she slips out and slams the door.
Ajax waits until the sound of her footsteps disappears. “If you want me to leave, you know the magic word,” he says.
“Mm-hmm,” I say, holding his gaze and nodding.
He smiles.$1“Good girl.”