26. The Deep End #2
"You are perfect," Jesse whispers, curling his arms around my waist. I rotate in the water, wrapping my arms around his neck.
"You're perfect like this..." He stares at me.
Really stares. Like he's looking past every mask I've ever worn.
Gently, he removes the hot pink goggles I forgot I was wearing.
"And like this." He outlines my face, dragging his thumb over my nose, my lips.
"Can't you see just how beautiful you are? "
"I don't have makeup on," I mutter. "I probably look like a sewer rat."
Jesse hoists me up, readjusting his hold as I nestle comfortably around his torso.
"I'm not talking about the way you look, Savannah.
" He takes a purposeful step forward, and another, and another, until my back is pressed up against the textured cement of the pool's edge.
He dips his head, kissing the slope of my neck, breathing in my scent, whispering so softly I could swear it's the trees talking, "I'm talking about everything else. "
"Jesse—"
With rough, passionate force, he captures my lips, his fingers raking through my damp hair, the urgency in his movements nearly debilitating. I yank on his hair, pressing myself as close to him as I can, our kisses sloppy, uncoordinated, and so freaking sweet.
As we exchange breaths, pants, and moans, I know I'm pushing myself further into a hole.
He trusts me. He's let me in. Not far. Not entirely.
But as much as he could. I can't break that trust. I can't trash all the progress we've made.
I can't ignore the fact that my heart races at the sight of him, that my body relaxes whenever he touches me, and that he's felt more like a home to me than any house I've ever lived in.
"What are you doing to me?" Jesse rasps, leaning his forehead against mine as he catches his breath. He peers at me through his thick lashes, conflict and resolution both stirring in his all-consuming gaze. "What is this?"
It's a good question. It's a question that requires a thought-out answer.
The answer must be transparent. Honest. It requires a level of confidence.
Of certainty. Of knowing that his answer matches mine.
I want to be confident. I want to tell him what he makes me feel.
I want to, but...I'm scared. Frightened, really.
By the consequences. By the future. By what could be.
By what, if Miguel wasn't fibbing, will be.
"What do you want it to be?" I whisper in a timid voice.
A pained look captures his features. "I—" He swallows. "There's..."
"What?" I ask, hopeful and afraid. "Tell me..."
Jesse's jaw clenches, his mouth opening slowly to spill some much need clarification, but fate intervenes like an unwelcome guest, a truth-blocker, a gosh darn nuisance.
"Savvy!" Beau calls out. "JP?"
"We brought Taboo !" Pippa yells.
"And a shit ton of coolers!" Marlow adds. "Where are they?"
"Pool," Jesse grumbles, cursing under his breath as he effortlessly lifts me up and sets me on the edge of the pool. Marlow, Pippa, and Beau all tumble into the backyard. Jesse flashes them a tight smile. "Thought we said two?"
Beau frowns, scanning my drenched appearance. "Were you...swimming?"
"I was floating," I reply, standing up as Jesse hops out of the pool. "Baby steps, right?"
Beau blinks at Jesse. "You got her in the water?" My brother glances at Marlow, who presses her lips in a thin line. "I see. Well..."
"Thanks for letting us borrow the floaties," I blurt out, unable to stand this awkward silence. I offer Pippa a forced smile. "They work real good."
"Any time, babe," Pippa says, setting the board game down on the patio table. "So uh—we playing or what?" She looks around. "Should we put on some music or something?"
"Aux cord's inside," Jesse says, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around himself. "I'm gonna shower quickly." He glances at me. "Or do you wanna go first?"
"You go," I say. "I'll get the snacks ready and stuff."
"Okay," Jesse says and disappears inside the house.
I clap my hands. "Right, so...chips? Yeah?"
"I'll help you," Beau says, following me to the kitchen as Marlow and Pippa set up the game. "Savannah." He stops us in the hallway. "Are you and JP..."
"Uh—" I swallow, biting my lip. My brother's no fool. There's no point in lying to him. "I don't...I don't know."
"You don't know?" he asks, lifting a brow. "What does that mean?"
"It means I don't know." I sigh, yanking off the arm floaties and tossing them on the floor as I march to the kitchen. "Want dip? French Onion?"
"Do you like him?" Beau asks, his gaze frantically searching mine. "Savannah..."
"Do you have anything other than country on here?!" Marlow yells from the living room. "Your Spotify is just one giant barn dance. "
I roll my eyes, answering her, "There's some rap too! Keep scrolling!" I turn my attention back to my brother. "Can we not talk about this today? Let's just hang out and have fun, okay? We'll talk later. I promise."
"Fine." Beau pulls out his phone, frustration oozing from his being. "Later then." His phone vibrates. "I gotta take this." He turns around, leaving the room. "Yeah Jo, I know..."
Dang it. That's gonna be one helluva awkward conversation.
"What the hell is a honkytonk ?" Marlow asks, kneeling in front of the sound system. She looks up at me. "Well?"
I giggle. "Time for a little southern education."
"Gonna enroll me in"—she reads the album cover of one of my favorite artists—"Honkytonk University?" Beau appears through the hallway, and she grins at my brother. "Apparently, I'm going back to school, baby!" Marlow frowns, scanning Beau's flat expression. "What's wrong?"
"Can I talk to you for a second?" Beau asks Marlow. He glances at me. "Alone."
"Okay," she says, standing up. "What is it?"
I mouth sorry to her before joining Pippa outside. He better not blame Marlow for my secrecy. I wasn't ready to tell him. I can barely admit it to myself.