Chapter Nineteen
I approve of the plan. I shall be back soon to oversee the beginning of the work personally.
Claudia signed the letter, essentially the birth certificate of her new shelter. She re-read the whole document in the candlelight. There was no knowing what would happen to her. She needed to ensure that everything was in place, and that her legacy was secured if she had to hand over the reins to Sophie.
She could barely decipher her own handwriting, so late it was. After a week of tireless work, her heart was hard like granite again. Her eyes were dry. By the looks of it, after a year of apathy, her cuirass had grown back. She was ready to plunge into the fray again. It was time to go back. Fight, and fight, and fight—for how long, she could not know.
And yet there had been moments, over the past weeks, in which she had seemed to see something else beyond that life…a world where there was not only strength, brute force, and struggle, but gentleness, love, and beauty too. A world where she, too, deserved looking after.
Well, it was over now.
She sealed the envelope, wrapped a blanket around her, and walked downstairs to stretch her legs. Moritz was still awake. There was light in the little parlour and he was in conversation with someone. A dear voice, at once crisp and soft.
William’s.
She had heard it several times in the last couple of days, speaking quietly in German with Moritz. Laughing sometimes. Tears had crept up to her eyes each time and she had hidden away until she was sure he had left.
She stood near the door, just to listen to his voice. Despite his lies, she missed him so much.
So, so much.
She was walking away when the door opened. She couldn’t help turning to look. And he was there.
Pale. Taut. The door around him glowed with a fuzzy golden light.
‘Claudia…’ his voice was a sigh—of relief, of pleasure, as though he could breathe again at last.
Oh, his soft voice! How many women had believed his lies? She must leave—before he could hurt her again!
She turned around and ran upstairs.
‘Claudia, wait!’
He followed her upstairs, running after her, and he sneaked into her bedroom before she could close the door.
‘How dare you? Get out of here!’ Her harsh voice sounded alien to her.
‘Claudia, please. ’
‘What do you want from me? How dare you show your face here?’
‘Please, darling,’ he said softly, walking to her. ‘Let me explain.’
‘I am not your darling and I don’t want to talk.’
He halted in front of her. The familiar scent of his cologne almost moved her to tears.
‘I won’t talk then, Claudia.’
He took her hand gently, and something within her soul leapt and danced at that contact. He hesitated for a moment, then he unbuttoned his jacket and placed her hand on his heart. It was beating wildly, raging, a living thing under her palm. His skin was hot through his fine shirt. A hint of his nipple stirred a flicker of desire. He caressed the back of her hand with his thumb.
She closed her eyes to savour that contact.
But she resisted it, flinching. He released her hand, shaken.
‘Tell me that you truly believe I’ve been lying to you about us, Claudia.’ He swallowed. ‘And I promise I’ll get out of your way for good.’
His eyes narrowed a little, almost steeling himself for her words.
And yet she could not bring herself to say it. Because no, she did not trust him. But he was not lying now, not about that at least. When she did not speak, he exhaled slowly.
‘A part of me does wish I had just wanted to take your golds, you know?’ He said quietly. ‘It would have been so much easier then. For both of us.’
He brought her hand to his mouth and his lips barely brushed against it, leaving a vague longing in their wake…
‘I miss you, Claudia. I don’t have a single thought that is not about you anymore,’ he whispered on her hand, and his closeness and his gentleness disarmed her, they melted the cuirass she had wrapped around her heart every day, just to be able to get by. Maybe he was the only person in the world who thought she needed handling gently. As though to prove the point, he brushed the back of his index finger against her cheekbone, lightly. He smiled, and little wrinkles appeared at the corners of his eyes. So pretty.
‘Don’t touch me, Will, please .’ Her voice was softer than intended. ‘You are just making everything more difficult.’
He withdrew his hand, hurt.
‘You were right, you know? We were risking too much over something that has no future. Something that will hurt us both. Why, it has already hurt us.’ She clenched her jaw. ‘And it is over now. There is nothing else we can do. Please, leave now.’
‘No. Please , darling…’
‘Leave!’
She made to turn away, but he dropped to his knees and grabbed her hand.
‘William! What the—’
For a second, she thought he was going to propose.
Instead, he pressed his forehead to her knees and wrapped his arms around her legs.
‘William! That’s not right—‘
‘Claudia. Please. Please let me talk. Let me explain.’
‘For the love of God, rise!’
‘ No! ’
He stubbornly pressed his forehead against her knees and loosened his embrace a little, leaving her free to leave if she wanted to.
‘I want you to know the truth, Claudia. Only the truth. So here it is. It is true, I stole from you. I am a money-hungry fool, you know it and I won’t deny that. But it has nothing to do with you . With us . I have never lied to you about us once. I don’t even know how to convince you that you are not just a wealthy woman to exploit because the mere thought is so inconceivable that I may as well be explaining why night is not day and day is not night. All I can say is that I have never withheld anything from you. From the first time we met, I have been giving you everything . Despite myself, believe me. Every single thing I always keep from everyone else. My feelings. My body. My fears. My care. Even my pathetic lust for wealth. I give you what I am and what I have all the time .’ He looked up, gazing deeply into her eyes. ‘I value every second I spend with you. I would kiss the ground on which you walk if you asked me to. And, let’s be honest, even if you didn’t.’
She swallowed to fight back the tears that were clouding her vision. He cared about her. More than she had ever believed.
‘I couldn’t lie to you about how I feel if I wanted. Just look at me, for God’s sake! I have spent my life lying and deceiving and focusing only on myself, and yet you have me at your feet. Your voice haunts me. Your touch breaks me. Your strength, your courage, and your compassion fill me with wonder. You ruined me, Claudia. And by God, I cannot regret that you did.’
He looked at her, haunted, wild, breathless.
‘Will—I—this is—you are—’
She burst into tears. Loud, pathetic, sobbing tears. Because he meant every single word, and it was scary to realise that she had another person’s heart in her hands. She felt the same, and the intensity of it all was terrifying.
‘Claudia…Claudia….’ William stood, all trembling, and he wrapped his arms around her. ‘Come here, darling. God, it is good to hold you.’ His relief flooded from his body to hers, his chest muscles relaxed, and his breathing eased. His embrace felt so warm and safe. It felt like coming home after a long, pointless journey.
‘William this is dangerous—there is no point—’
But the sensation of his closeness overwhelmed everything else. His tousled hair brushing against her face, the heat of his embrace, the scent of his cologne…it was all making her dizzy with relief and desire.
‘Oh, Claudia, that look. The way your eyes turn a shade darker when you need me…’ He trailed his lips along the column of her neck, stealing a whimper from her, whispering against her skin. ‘I am gone for you, Claudia. Gone. I am yours in whichever way you will allow. As your lover. As a dirty secret. As your friend. As a companion…Just tell me what you want from me…Use me. Ruin me. I don’t care. I don’t care anymore. I am done resisting you.’
His mouth caught hers in an open-mouthed kiss, and her whole body came alive. She returned his kiss almost desperately, their tongues met, her rational thinking dissolved into need, and they backed a few steps and collapsed onto her bed.
His fingers laced with hers. A kiss on her left cheekbone.
‘William,’ she sighed.
I missed you, Will.
‘Darling.’ He pressed his body to hers gently, his mouth on hers. The hard length of his shaft pressed against her lower belly. He was always so ready for her.
He cupped her face with both hands. He bit her lower lip, stealing another little cry.
‘Darling. Sweet. I missed you. I missed everything about you.’
He sank to his knees with a sigh. Then he scorched her lower belly with burning kisses, hot through the light fabric of her shift. He bunched her shift up, then his warm hands trailed on her legs…on her thighs.
‘I ache to worship you, Claudia.’
He parted her legs, and he emitted a suffocated moan.
His hot, laboured breath reached her core. Then she felt his mouth, open and wet on her most sensitive flesh. His tongue began lapping against her core, warm and rough, cautious at first, then gliding ravenously, as though he wanted to devour her.
‘God. Your taste…Your taste…I can’t do without it anymore…I need more…give me more, Claudia…’
He fumbled for her hands and placed them in his hair. She held his head between her thighs as he wantonly feasted on her, groaning, until everything was pleasure, everything was ache—
She heard herself scream out with a relief as immense and vast as a moonlit sky.
A relief that felt an awful lot like happiness.
***
Will’s entrails were contorting. His knees barely sustained him. His breath was laboured. His body, his emotions, his thoughts—they did not belong to him anymore. There was only chaos left and she was standing in the middle of it, proud, triumphant, even now that her breaths came hard and fast. He no longer knew where he was, who he was. There was just this gut-wrenching need to know that they were fine. That they did not have to part just yet. Even if it would only hurt more after.
Claudia shifted and got him to climb onto the bed, and he lay down next to her. Her hand materialised on his chest. Her soft lips brushed a kiss against his. He drank her lips, powerless to rein in the savage craving for her touch, even in his despair.
Her fingers, soft and searching, traced the waistline of his breeches.
‘Do you need me too, Will?’ She whispered huskily.
‘Yes.’
‘Show me.’
He clasped her hand and guided it to his parted lips, to his heaving chest, his aching bulge.
‘Here? Here is where you need me?’ She grazed her fingers gently on his length.
Her voice was warm and caring, not insinuating. She must still be conscious of his inexperience. And who wouldn’t? He had burst into tears just because their bodies had touched last time. But still, it felt precious. She was figuring him out, and he was figuring himself out with her.
‘I need you all over me, Claudia. And there too…yes…there.’
‘Tell me what you need.’
‘Anything you may give me, I do not deserve.’
‘Never say that again, Will. Ever .’
She fluttered a kiss on his lips. She held his gaze as she slowly unbuttoned his breeches. His aching member sprang out. She gave it one eager lick, and he sucked his breath through his teeth.
‘So sensitive for me,’ she whispered on his skin.
‘God—Claudia—I’m too close—I—I haven’t—I have been keeping myself for you. Since last time.’
‘Oh.’ She was quiet for a moment. ‘Would you like me to take care of you?’
‘Yes. Yes, Claudia, please. ’
When her tongue next lapped against his shaft, raw, undiluted pleasure cursed right through him. He moaned obscenely—a sound he did not even know he could produce—and his release took him without forewarning. He came hard and helplessly all over his shirt.
‘God—damn it—I—I’m so sorry, Claudia—how embarrassing—’ He was trembling all over, he scrambled to sit upright.
‘William.’ She placed a hand on his shoulder, delicately. ‘It’s all good. It’s not embarrassing.’
‘You’re just saying it.’ He took off his shirt and threw it on the floor.
‘I think you need a moment,’ she said calmly. ‘Sort yourself out, then we can sit here together and talk with calm. I’ll fetch you a shirt from Lorenz’s room.’
He headed out, and as the cool water eased his lingering cravings, his wild worry increased again. By the time he went back to her room, feeling naked and exposed as a worm without his shirt, he was fully and utterly convinced that this was the last time he would see her. To make things worse, she was coming out of Lorenz’s bedroom, a folded shirt in her hands. He was jealous of the intimacy between her and the Rabensteins. Jealous that she was going around in her shift in Rabey’s house. But the poison of jealousy was nothing compared to the sickening certainty that she would send him home and never want to see him again. Never mind that they had just been all over each other. She had just indulged in her instincts, the same that were making her look at his bare chest with a longing that, had he not been on the verge of tears, would have been almost comical.
‘Thanks.’ He said coolly, taking the shirt from her. ‘I suppose I will go now.’
‘You must be joking. Sit here with me.’ She patted on the bed. ‘You are so very shaken, Will.’
‘You seem all right yourself,’ he said bitterly. Petty, really. But it hurt that she was looking at him all calm and collected, indifferent almost, while he was a step away from madness.
But Claudia winced, hurt. He immediately regretted his words.
‘I’m sorry Claudia—’
‘Do you really think I’m all right?’ She clenched her fist and there was a whole movement to her body as if her soul had caught fire. Maybe that was her way of being sad. ‘I am so very not fine, Will. I am just a good liar. An even better liar than you.’
He sat on the bed next to her and took her hand in his.
‘Then do not lie to me.’
Her eyes lingered on him pensively. And indeed, he had been so wild with worry and desire that he had not noticed the storm brewing behind the glassy surface of her eyes. The gold was twinkling warmly and ominously, like distant lightning on a hot summer day.
She was quiet for the longest time.
Then she brought her fingers to her forehead. She looked so tired.
‘Will,’ she said at last, gesturing between the two of them. ‘What is this ?’
‘I do not know what this is.’ Their hands laced. ‘But I can tell you that if this ends up hurting me, I will still regret it less than not trying to find out what things could have been like between us. Yes, although I am not sure what this ...’ he gestured between the two of them ‘…what this is, this feels right. Righter than anything has ever felt in my life. And since I have never experienced this before, it also feels…frightening too. I am bound to get things wrong. And I am bound to be afraid. But I am willing to be afraid, Claudia. I am ready to face whatever comes next if you are with me. I don’t want to resist this anymore—why, we’ve been terrible at resisting it so far!’ He released her hand. ‘This is what I feel. If you don’t, I will understand. Only, I would ask you to tell me now, because I won’t impose my presence on you a second longer if this is not what you want.’
She looked down. She was quiet for so long again. Too long.
But when her eyes met his they were full of tears. Her lower lip was trembling. She was pressing her hands together so hard that she seemed to be trying to compress an emotion too big.
And that was when William knew that there was still hope .