Chapter Twenty
She looked calm, he had said. Like she looked calm every time she was about to step into the fray. But all her longing, all her fears were raging just beneath the surface.
William deserved an answer. But she did not know what she would say. Because she had studiously avoided answering the question of what exactly he was to her. His big eyes were fixed on her, half hopeful, half concerned.
I’m a coward .
She always calculated every step. Every word. Her mind had always been sharp like a knife. But if she had learned anything this year, it was that her mind and strength of will could not go everywhere. She had not been able to will herself recovered, just as much as she could not will herself into not feeling that infuriating, blissful tenderness that made her a little mad with happiness whenever her thoughts turned to him.
So she closed her eyes, and she looked within.
‘You want to know what I feel about this,’ she heard herself say.
‘Please,’ he said.
‘I feel…’ she kept her eyes closed. And what she saw there, beyond her fear, beyond her mistrust and her pain, left her breathless with wonder. It was unsayable.
She opened her eyes.
‘I am not good with words when it comes to these things. But if you let me…I’ll show you.’
He nodded quietly.
She wrapped her arms around him. She scrutinised his handsome face carefully. His eyes were focusing on hers, trying to read them.
I feel strange. Because I thought we were worlds apart, but we have so much in common.
Her stomach contracted. Her fears gripped her.
I feel like I don’t deserve you. I am not sure why something so good would happen to me. Where’s the catch?
‘Darling.’ He cupped her face with his hands. ‘You need not worry like this. I am here for you. I want to be here for you.’
She smiled.
I feel that you are good for me, William Campbell.
‘Your smiles dazzle me. Every time. I’m mad about you. Mad .’
He pulled her to him and they collapsed on the bed, laughing at last. Like they had laughed so many times since they had met.
I feel like a girl. You make me dizzy. This is all new to me.
She gave him one passionate kiss. Before she knew it, she was straddling him. She kissed his hard chest with exhilarated gratitude. She licked his nipple until he was groaning and shuddering, and his pleasure was coursing through her like her own. My body, your body—what did it matter? They were one.
I feel like I’m burning, William. Burning for you. All the time. I’d let you do anything to me because I trust you with my body. Fully.
They undressed each other slowly, holding each other’s gaze. Each portion of her body he uncovered, he kissed, until the moonlight sculpted their naked bodies.
He made her lie back, and he straddled her. He was hard with desire as he looked at her sprawled beneath him with undisguised wonder.
‘Divine,’ he whispered. ‘Your body is a miracle.’
You are too good for me. I feel that soon you’ll have enough of me. You’ll get tired of me, William.
‘No, not in a million years,’ he whispered, his soft voice caressing her senses. Her heart soared with bliss. He understood! He lowered himself over her, brow to brow. ‘Whatever it is that scares you now, it won’t happen. I’ll look after you. We’ll look after each other. We are good at this, Claudia.’
I feel safe with you. Like we met somewhere strange and made it our home.
He placed one hand on hers. The other parted her knees as he whispered in her ear.
‘I want to make love with you, Claudia.’
His legs were trembling. He must be worried about being in charge. But when he entered her, they both exhaled with the same blessed relief, with the same gratitude. Palm to palm, brow to brow, soul to soul. Every twitch, every movement, he felt , he knew . He gave her more, or less, cautiously, tenderly, until their breaths were one and their souls were melting into each other through the surface of their skin.
I feel, Will…I feel that I am falling for you.
His smile widened against her lips.
‘I have fallen for you, Claudia, can’t you tell?’
For a moment they were suspended together between heaven and earth. Looking at each other, eyes widening in amazement.
Then their bodies tensed and soared, flooded by a glorious dawn.
And she knew nothing would ever be the same again.
***
They climbed back on the bed, freshly washed, and collapsed onto the crisp bedsheets, laughing.
They curled up facing each other and Will reached for her hand. He just pressed the tips of his fingers against hers, like he had done at the café . It felt like an eternity ago. And that minuscule contact, that bridge between the two of them, felt as intimate as what they had just done.
There was the echo of something collapsing within her. A structure so old and integral to her that she had stopped noticing it. A wall, an armour, a scaffold, something .
And she knew that in a strange way, in a way she had never expected or even quite considered possible, when William was around she was happy.
When had she stopped believing she deserved happiness? So long ago, even before Edward had tried to kill her. It had been when her family had discovered that she had dishonoured herself, and they had rejected her in all but name. Their proud, affectionate gazes had turned to disappointment and faint contempt, and she had thrown herself body and soul into her work for the shelter, forgetting everything else.
‘I do not know who I am when I am not unhappy,’ she heard herself say.
‘Neither do I,’ Will replied, as though he had been listening to her thoughts. ‘Come with me. Let’s find out.’
He led her to the mirror. They stood together naked, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
‘What do you see?’ he asked quietly, nuzzling her cheek.
She thought for a moment.
‘I see a woman who has forgotten how to nourish herself.’ She said. ‘I used to read. I used to be passionate about music, and about history…I used to like sewing and making dresses, matching fabrics and textures. It used to give me such pleasure. I don’t even know what I have in my wardrobe right now.’
Will seemed completely unfazed by her stream of consciousness. He just looked at their reflection.
‘Then we can read together, my darling. We can go to the theatre. We can do things that you used to like, and discover more together too. As for your wardrobe, I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do there. Your taste is impeccable as it is. You couldn’t look more regal if you put your mind to it. But I would come shopping with you. Because I am vain, alas, and I like to drool over shop windows. Almost as much as I like drooling over you.’
He pressed his face to her neck and licked her all the way up to her jaw.
‘ Eew !’ She laughed. ‘Disgusting!’
He wrapped his arms around her—a little possessively, it seemed to her.
‘We look so good together, Will.’
‘We do,’ he confirmed, pleased.
‘How old are you?’
‘Eight-and-twenty.’ Now he did look baffled. ‘Why?’
‘So am I. But I look older than you. I look like one of those stern paintings of Tudor women. I’d just need a Tudor collar.’
‘It’s a timeless face. The face of a woman who can put a man in his place.’ He whispered teasingly in her ear. ‘One of these days, you’ll put me in my place properly, won’t you?’
‘How properly, Mr Campbell?’
‘ Very properly. As properly as you possibly can.’
She flushed.
‘Are you asking me whether I would—umm…’
‘ Yes .’
‘Have you ever done that to yourself, Will?’
‘No.’ She could see his reflection blush. ‘Have you, Claudia? Done that to a man, I mean.’
‘Yes.’
He purred contentedly.
‘So would you consider it? And maybe you could tie my hands beforehand with a very expensive cravat.’
‘Someone has put some thought into this.’
Will laughed.
‘I put a lot of thought into everything to do with you, my sweet.’ He pressed a kiss to her cheekbone. ‘But that’s for another day. Tonight, I just want to curl up next to you and hold you all night. If you let me stay, that is.’
‘Of course you are staying here.’
He wrapped his arms around her waist and pressed another kiss to her cheekbone.
‘Now look there.’ He nodded at the mirror. ‘I’d say we look pretty damn happy. What do you think?’
She looked at her reflection, which was grinning like a girl’s.
‘Yes.’ Her smile widened even more. ‘I think we do.’
***
The act of tucking himself under the blanket felt like the strangest thing in the world. He had never shared his bed with anyone. He held his breath and tensed when Claudia snuggled up to him, and her eyelashes fluttered against his chest.
‘Will?’
‘Mmm?’
‘Breathe.’
He exhaled slowly and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, keeping her close.
‘We can do all those things you know, Claudia? Go to the theatre. Read together…’
‘We don’t have much time. I am travelling back in three weeks. Four at maximum.’
His heart spasmed painfully. She couldn’t leave. They couldn’t part. Not after an evening like this.
I don’t want you to leave.
But of course she would. Her life and her shelter were back in England. This was an insane delusion, only delaying the moment they would have to part.
‘What is it, Will?’ She delicately tucked his messy hair behind his ear. ‘Talk to me...darling.’
Perhaps it was because she hesitated, but it was a testament to how little love he had received in his life that when she called him darling his first instinct was to look around to see who she was addressing, only to realise what a fool he was. He had guarded himself all his life, all of his interactions had been shrouded in layers of pretence, mistrust, and irony. And yet each of her words, each of her looks made him feel bare and tender and exposed.
‘I don’t want to be parted from you. We can avoid it, Claudia.’
‘Let’s not think about this now.’
‘I can’t not think about it.’
‘Listen,’ she changed the topic. ‘I’ve been meaning to ask you something, Will.’
‘Ask away.’
‘I have been thinking about why a man like you, who has so much in his life, would go through such lengths just to be…rich.’
‘I grew up an orphan, sleeping on my brother’s coat in a freezing warehouse, running errands for a smuggler,’ he bit back coldly, as though it could explain everything.
‘Oh, Will…’
‘I don’t want your pity and I don’t want to talk about it,’ he said more coldly than intended.
‘It’s fine, Will, my dear. You don’t have to.’ That my dear soothed him, sending little delighted shivers all over his body. She was laying a claim to him, and he would let himself be claimed for as long as it lasted. ‘It’s just that I have been wondering—what would wealth buy you that you don’t already have? You love what you do. Your eyes shine even when you handle plain Roman pottery. Your business is flourishing...If you feel something is missing, would more wealth, and the respect of people you despise, really make you happier?’
And there it was again, that dreadful suspicion. That maybe wealth was not exactly what he needed. That it just stood for all he had never had, for his insecurities, and that these, in time, could be healed.
‘I don’t know,’ he said cautiously. ‘What do you think?’
‘I don’t presume to know.’ She propped herself up. ‘But I think that you have been racing all your life, trying to prove yourself. Now the race is over, but it was so difficult to get to the finish that you haven’t realised it yet. In your heart, you are still the starstruck boy dropped among a bunch of aristocrats who despised him at Oxford, who tried to earn their respect at every turn. But the race is over, William,’ she looked at him serenely, brightly. ‘And you won .’
There was a quiet deflagration somewhere in his consciousness, like the rumbling of thunder rolling down a hill in the distance. Then his heart seemed to shrink and explode.
He had been waiting to hear those words all his life.
And he knew that it was all true, every single word. That the thought of stealing from her had been tormenting him not just because he had lied to her, but because it felt as though what he wanted to achieve was not really his dream anymore. Not in that shape, at least. Yes, he wanted to be wealthy. To provide for himself and those he loved. To buy himself the things he liked and surround himself with beauty. But he did not need to prove anything to anyone but himself.
‘You have made it already, Will.’ She brushed her lips against his jaw. ‘You just don’t see it yet.’ She traced the outline of his face and leaned in a little to whisper in his ear. ‘I am in awe of you, Will.’
His heart clenched.
When their eyes met and he saw hers glowing with warmth and admiration, he knew exactly what he would do the following day. He would return the artefacts.
Not for her. Their romance may very well be doomed.
But because she was right. Rabey was right.
It was time to stop chasing a dream that was the product of his painful past. It was time to truly begin his new life.
The thought gave him such an intense bout of longing for her that he hated the space between their bodies. He kissed her slowly, and the next thing he knew was that she was straddling him and making him lean back. And she made love to him this time, and everything was just as it was meant to be.