Chapter Twenty-One
Claudia woke up to a gentle scratching noise.
She opened one eye.
She was curled up against William’s flank. He was sitting up, his back against the headboard. With one arm he kept her close, protectively. With the other hand he was sketching something on a piece of paper on the back of a book. His hair was all messy, and his eyes were sparkling as though a vision was glowing from within. A smile hovered over his sharp jaw.
‘Will?’
‘Claudia.’ His smile broadened. ‘Good morning. Slept well?’
‘Yes. So well.’ She pressed herself to him. ‘What are you doing there?’
‘I may or may not have taken a look around your room while you slept.’ He smiled a little mischievously. ‘I noticed the technical drawings of your shelter on your desk. What do you think?’
She propped herself up and took the sketch in her hands.
It was the dining hall of her shelter, that was for sure, because the designs of her architect lay scattered on the bed around them. But it no longer looked like the cold, impersonal canteen of army barracks. The long rectangular tables lined with identical wooden chairs had been substituted by large round tables provided with cushioned chairs and decorated with flower arrangements. Two chandeliers were hanging from the ceiling, and the walls were lined with statues of Roman goddesses watching over the hall. William had turned the barren canteen into a warm, welcoming parlour.
He had turned it into a home .
Her jaw dropped.
‘Will—this is—this is—’
She pressed a wet kiss to his cheek. He laughed.
‘I’m glad you like it. I didn’t get to draw the library yet, but we—I mean you could line the walls with bookshelves too. Books matter, you know? When I was a child, I used to sneak into the study of Mr Muybridge, the smuggler my brothers and I worked for, and steal books. The first time I read one from back-to-back, I realised that there was a life beyond that squalor.’ He took the sketch from her and observed it closely. ‘That’s how I ended up in Oxford, by the way. Muybridge caught me out stealing his books. He was struck by my appetite for learning, and he eventually made sure I could go to school, while my brothers kept on working for him. I did so well that his charity sponsored my degree at Oxford. I owe him a lot. Even if he’s a scoundrel.’
She snuggled even closer to him, full of admiration, and for a moment they just held each other in silence. He traced shapes on her bare back, making her shiver with delight. She wished that moment could last forever.
‘What do you think, Claudia?’ He said at last. ‘About my sketch, I mean.’
‘It’s perfect. I will ditch the old design.’
‘It would take very little extra cost to make your shelter more welcoming. Especially if you can sweet-talk the suppliers. Or maybe I could sweet-talk the suppliers, and you could terrify them instead. They wouldn’t know what hit them.’ He laughed. ‘We would be good at it.’
We.
He was imagining a future together.
A future in which she was back in England, and he was with her too.
‘Claudia,’ he said quietly, carefully placing the drawings on the bedside table. ‘I don’t want to push you. But I want to make sure that you know that I truly meant what I said yesterday. What I said about us reading together, us going to the theatre, us shopping together. It was just to say that I can envision a future for the two of us.’
‘It is impossible, Will…’
‘Nothing is written in stone. If it was, neither of us would be here right now. You and I have survived hell. Now we just need to learn how to live. I do not doubt that either of us could figure out how to live happily on their own. But now that I have met you, nothing would make me as happy as learning it with you. I think we would be good together, Claudia. And happy too, yes.’ He took her hand, his eyes were bright and full of hope. ‘I am serious about this. I am serious about us .’ He swallowed. ‘Will you let me court you, Claudia?’
Her heart skipped multiple beats.
Court her? Courtship was the prelude to marriage!
Yesterday it had felt like happiness was within reach. Today, in the harsh daylight, with no sense of what would happen next, it seemed like a childish fantasy.
‘My life is not here, Will,’ she said softly. ‘And—it is not a pleasant life. It is filled with work. With obligations.’
But that could change, couldn’t it? After ten years, she could afford to step back a little. She had exhausted herself, and she had been toying with the idea of splitting the work with Sophie long before what had happened with Edward. She had wanted more time to recover. She had even considered living closer to the Rabensteins for most of the year.
‘Listen, Claudia. Eric and I still have an office and a warehouse in Oxford. If we keep on getting along so well, I could come with you to England, don’t you think?’
Her heart expanded with hope. But her fears spoke through her.
‘I would never want you to abandon the life you built here for me. You would start resenting me. And…and you’ll get tired of me soon enough. Will…you’ve never been with a woman. The first times…it plays with your head, you know? It’s like a rush…One thinks it will last forever.’
Will winced, as if she had just hit him. It was horrible to watch. But then he steeled himself, bravely, and replied.
‘Don’t tell me what I feel about you. That’s just—insulting. Don’t you understand that this , what we do together, the way we talk to each other, the fact that I’m so comfortable around you is precisely how I know that this is not a fleeting thing?’ He swallowed. ‘I have never fancied a woman in my life. Ever. Not once. And before you ask, no, I haven’t fancied men either. I mean, I have imagined getting married, and sharing my life with a woman. But it was all very abstract. Before you, I didn’t even…desire to be with a woman…if it makes sense. It wasn’t until I met you that—that I knew it could only be with you. I just—have never wanted to be with a woman before because I hadn’t met you yet. I want you , Claudia. Only you. I know it is hard to understand. But I know this much.’ He held both her hands in his. ‘Let’s stop behaving like something is going to come between us. Let’s behave like we have all the time in the world. Let me court you, Claudia. Nobody needs to know. But please, give us a chance.’
Her whole being wanted to say yes .
‘It will only hurt more when the unavoidable happens and we need to part, William,’ she heard herself say. She may as well be saying ‘ when you get tired of me. ’
‘You really don’t believe me.’ His eyes narrowed. ‘You don’t think my feelings for you are going to last.’
She did not say anything. His eyes filled with tears.
‘Right. Right. I see.’
He got dressed, hastily, visibly ashamed of his nakedness. Something within her seemed to break.
‘If you,’ he swallowed hard, ‘if you change your mind—you know where to find me.’
And with that he took his jacket and left.