Chapter Seven Laney
CHAPTER SEVEN
LANEY
Damn, this was hard. I was home, but not really. I was scared but also felt safe with Connor. I loved him so much, yet still felt like I needed to leave. I couldn’t stop shivering, and I had no way to tell if it was the blizzard, the power going out, or being around him.
The delicate way he undid my dress, how he kept wanting to take care of me. Even though he thought he hid his emotions, he was hurting.
“I found a couple pairs of wool socks.” He returned to the fireplace, dressed in sweats and a hoodie from a diner we had found on our third anniversary together. “I also brought you some pants because it’s cold. We can roll up the bottoms.”
My throat clogged. “Thank you.”
“Of course.” He sniffed as his phone went off. He tensed, his eyes widening at me. “I don’t know who’d be calling me right now.”
“Probably Petra,” I said, not quite able to hide my disdain. She called him at all hours of the night without hesitation, as if it weren’t rude or inappropriate. “Take it. I’ll find blankets and make a little nest.”
“I can talk to her tomorrow.”
“It’s fine.” I waved a hand in the air and picked up his sweats. I slid them on quickly. They were way too baggy, but I rolled the waistband three times, and it made them decent. “Seriously, just see what she wants. You would any other night. Tonight isn’t different.”
“It is fucking different.”
I snapped my gaze to him at his tone. The flames caused dark shadows to dance over his face.
He seemed wild, untamed. I loved seeing Connor lose control, where the adventurous soul I loved came out from the hard shell.
It was wrong, but I wanted to push him. He’d made me feel all sorts of things tonight, so maybe I wanted to unleash his feelings.
“How so? How is it different, Connor? She calls, you answer. Doesn’t matter what we’re doing. You always make sure to be there for Petra.”
His jaw tightened, and his eyes went wide. “Are you insinuating something, Laney?”
I laughed, but it was untamed. “You tell me.”
His nostrils flared as he stepped closer to me. “Say it. Say what you’re thinking.”
“Have you…” I lost my confidence as his gaze darkened. Frustration rolled off him in waves while a muscle in his cheek twitched. “Connor, it’s fine. Just—”
His phone buzzed again.
We both glanced at his phone on the couch and then back at each other. Our chests heaved as Connor ran a hand over his jaw, his gaze a cloudy storm.
“Do you want me to fire her?”
“What?”
“Do you. Want me. To fire. Petra?”
I blinked. That was not anything I had expected.
“Uh, I don’t… know.”
“I’ll do it in a heartbeat. If you think for one goddamn second that I would ever touch, look, or think about another woman, then I don’t know if we have anything to save.”
My stomach bottomed out, the floor beneath me shifting. I grabbed the side of the recliner for balance as he blinked slowly, and when he opened his eyes, they watered.
“I’m gonna try to sleep.”
“Connor—”
“I can’t right now, Laney. I can’t.” He shook his head, his voice rough. He left his phone on the couch and marched toward our storage closet.
“Look through my phone. I don’t care. If that’s part of your reason for leaving me… There’s… I would rather die than do that to you.”
His words cut me in the worst way. I yanked a pillow and two blankets off the couch, curling up near the fire as sobs threatened to overtake me. I hated feeling bad about this. I hurt him because I wanted him to lose control.
It wasn’t right or fair or mature. I just… I loved pushing him to share his actual feelings, and not be the closed-off man he had to be for everyone else. The world saw the CEO Connor, but not me. I missed my Connor. But the agony in his words bothered me.
He joined me a few minutes later, leaving plenty of distance between us.
He had never known how to argue. He never learned.
We had to learn it together, and since I had emotionally healthy parents who bickered all the time, I knew how to argue.
But tonight I’d done a shitty thing. I’d hurt him on purpose.
Hurt people hurt people, my mom always said, and that wasn’t me.
“Hey,” I whispered.
He didn’t move.
“Connor.”
He sighed and rolled onto his back, not looking at me but at least opening his eyes and acknowledging me. I took that as my sign to continue.
“I shouldn’t have insinuated what I did.
I truly never thought you’d betray me that way.
It’s not funny to even joke about it, and for that, I’m sorry.
You chose Petra over me, often, and it hurt, and in a way, that felt like an emotional betrayal.
Things you used to talk to me about were replaced by her.
I used to help you choose your outfits for events, then she started doing it.
I used to go out and celebrate with you when you scored a deal.
Now it’s you and her. I know you’d never cheat on me, but the resentment that built up with feeling replaced caused me to say that. ”
He pinched his nose, breathing deeply before he rolled onto his side, propping his head up on his hand. His deep gray eyes looked so sad. “Why didn’t you say anything to me sooner?”
“I’d try, but you wouldn’t hear me.” I swallowed as another wave of tears hit me.
“I asked if you wanted to try on outfits with me, and you’d say you already had spares at the office.
I once drove to your office—did you know?
It was last year. I wanted to surprise you, and Petra told me you were on a critical call and to try later. ”
Even in the dim light, he paled. “What the fuck?”
“I called you, to tell you what she said, but you didn’t even let me talk. You answered the phone with can’t talk, love you. So I went home.”
“Laney. My God.” He sat up and wrapped his arms around his knees, letting his head hang. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why wait until now?”
“Because I knew it’d upset you. Because I kept hoping it was a fluke. Because… it’s hard to tell someone you love that you’re hurt. It’s easier to not talk about it. I’d find a million excuses, but now I wish I had told you.”
“Can I hold you, just for a second? You’re breaking my heart right now, and I just need you.”
Tears sprung in my eyes as I nodded. He crawled toward me and then pulled me up into his chest. He tucked my head into his shoulder, squeezing so hard I had to tap his side.
“Need to breathe.”
“Sorry.” He rested his chin on my head as he sighed. “For everything.”
“I know, Connor.”
We remained like that, cuddled together in front of the fire, all the unsaid words lingering in the air.
I’m sorry.
I love you.
But it wasn’t enough.
We drifted off to sleep.
I woke up with my entire body on Connor.
For one second, I forgot reality and smiled at how warm and snuggly he was.
I loved the sleepy man scent he had from a night of cuddling, and I inhaled, taking in everything.
The crackle of the electric fire, the coolness of the air around my face, the way he gripped me even while sleeping. Last night was big.
I had said things that had weighed on my chest for months, and I survived it.
Connor’s question remained though—why didn’t I say anything sooner?
It shifted my mindset a little. Was our divide truly all his fault?
The thought of me being part of the problem caused my pulse to race, and I squirmed, needing to get some air.
“Hmm, I like your body on me, baby.” Connor groaned into my neck, his warm lips pressing the spot beneath my ear. “Fuck, how do you always smell so good?”
“What… what are you—” I whimpered when he took my earlobe between his teeth and tugged. I usually loved when he did that.
“Connor.” There was more urgency to my tone.
He froze.
“Fuck, fuck.” He almost threw me off him. “Laney, I’m sorry. I was dreaming, I think. I—” He blinked and ran his hands through his hair. “I shouldn’t’ve kissed you there.”
My face flushed as heat spread through my core. “Hey, it’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. You asked me not to touch you, and I maul you in my sleep.” He stood, and I saw his erection pressed against his gray sweatpants.
My God. My mouth watered at the sight of him.
Connor was ridiculously sexy, and even after all these years together, I still loved his body and never grew tired of it.
If anything, as we aged, I loved the small differences.
The sunlight filtered in through the window, highlighting the slight curl of his hair, his sharp jawline.
“I liked it,” I whispered, damn well knowing it could change things. I wasn’t sure what I wanted anymore, but I knew I liked being touched by him.
“Laney.” He rubbed his lips together, his heated gaze lingering on my mouth. “I need an answer, baby.”
“Right now?”
He nodded. “Right now.”
This was more nerve-racking than walking down the aisle with him.
More unsettling than interviewing for jobs.
This choice I made had the possibility of hurting me even more.
Visions of his charm yesterday, the way he smiled at me at the event, the way he took my hand and drove me here…
the fact I hadn’t been forthcoming with all my hurt.
I nodded.
“What’s that nod mean?” he almost shouted. “Tell me.”
“We can—” I swallowed down the massive ball of nerves. “Date for the month to see if this can work.”
He closed his eyes, and his hand shook as he ran it through his hair three times. Then he met my gaze and beamed at me. The joy on his face took my breath away. I couldn’t recall the last time he seemed this happy, and something warm and gooey formed in my chest.
“Thank you,” he whispered, his smile somehow growing. “This was… I want to… Do you want breakfast?”
My lips curved up. “If you mean you, then yes, I want breakfast.”
“Laney.” He groaned into his fist and approached me, kneeling down and cupping my face. My skin heated. His touch felt different now. I wasn’t at war with myself.
I could enjoy him without worrying about the divorce. That was at the end of the month, not today. I chewed my lip as the look on my husband’s face clouded.
“What is it?”
“I want you. I always want you, but if we’re going to do this, really make sure our marriage is what you want, I don’t…
I can’t blur this line. You said it yourself.
Attraction wasn’t our issue, and I don’t want you to do anything you regret.
You might say you want me now, but you could hate me in two days, and I really won’t survive that. ”
“I won’t hate you.” I frowned.
“But you can’t say with one hundred percent certainty that you won’t regret sleeping with me.” He leaned forward and kissed my forehead, lingering for a beat before staring at me affectionately.
Despite the heat coiling in my core from moments before, his words wrapped around me, settling my lust into a comfortable feeling. He was right. One hundred percent correct. A soft laugh escaped me, and I pushed my hair behind my ears.
“Then yes to breakfast. Food is about the only thing that could distract me right now.”
His throat bobbed before he nodded. “Thank you for understanding and not being upset with me,” Connor said.
“Ba—Connor.” My skin flushed as I stumbled over his old nickname. “You’re being considerate and rational about this. I can’t be upset about that at all. Yeah, my skin feels too tight and I’d really like your hands on me, but it’s not the right time.”
I stood and adjusted the sweatshirt and sweats. The power must’ve come back on during the night because there wasn’t a chill in the air anymore. I put my hair up in a messy bun and caught Connor staring at me with one dimple popping out.
“What?” I asked, a little nervous. He stared at me, hard.
“You look so fucking pretty in the morning. You’re beautiful all the time, but I love the way you look in the morning.
You open your eyes, and they can’t decide if they are hazel or dark brown, and your face has all these sleepy lines on it.
I know I haven’t been around when you’ve woken up lately, but I’ve missed you in the morning. ”
I blushed from head to toe. He always had a way of complimenting me and having the words penetrate every protective wall I had and take root in my soul.
“Well, thanks.”
“I’ll start coffee. Then we can find food.”
“Okay, I’ll use the restroom.”
He winked at me before walking toward the kitchen, his broad back and tight sweatpants causing my eyes to linger. My core still throbbed, but talking and spending time together mattered more than scratching an itch. I quickly used the bathroom and washed my face, taking a minute to breathe.
I thought I’d be upset with myself for agreeing to this month, but a calm sense of right lingered around me. My eyes were brighter. My face had more color.
My parents always preached that your body spoke to you about your happiness. It let you know when you were happy, and when you weren’t. I’d thought the idea was a little wild and that my parents were still enjoying their hippie phase, but my body felt happy knowing I’d spend more time with Connor.
With a smile, I left the bathroom and found Connor frowning at the counter. A bag of coffee, a carton of eggs, and bread all sat in a row. His gaze moved to me, and his frown disappeared instantly.
“Hi,” he said, appearing so damn cute that my insides swirled.
“Oh, hey.” I joined him and nudged his hip with mine. “Is there a reason we’re staring at the food?”
“I can’t cook at all. I had this wonderful idea to make you breakfast, but I don’t know how to make a French press coffee, which is all I have here.” He sighed in defeat.
I snorted.
“That’s… sad.”
“I know, Laney.” His expression tightened, and his movements were stiff. “It reminded me that we never talked about how you always took care of us with food. You shopped, you cooked. I never even asked if you liked it or wanted to. You just did it at the start, and I never checked in.”
Flashes of frustration hit me. The nights I’d cook for us and his dinner would go cold. The lack of appreciation. I pushed down the urge to avoid the conversation and said, “Sometimes, I was resentful that you always assumed.”
He nodded. “Can you teach me?”
“Yes.” I smiled. “I’ll show you, but I hope you know this is ridiculous. What grown man doesn’t know how to make French toast or eggs or French press?”
“One that was selfish and assumed his wife would do it.” His jaw tightened. “I need to learn all this because I don’t intend to lose you ever again, and that means we take turns cooking.”
I don’t intend to lose you.
My body hummed, loving that answer. I had no idea if dating for a month would truly solve our problems, but I knew it was the right thing to try. I just had to make sure my heart wouldn’t completely shatter by the end of this.