Chapter Eighteen Connor
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CONNOR
My breath caught in my throat at her words. When Laney was on my team, I felt invincible.
“I worked hard, yes,” I said, taking my time, studying her reaction. Her lips were slightly parted, and her face open, trusting. “But I want to work hard to keep you.”
She blinked, and a flash of something crossed her face. She masked it, and that gutted me. Despite the last few weeks of progress, she was still hurting. My continual choice of picking work over her had left scars.
“Come here. I want to show you something.”
“Wait, is this about your father trying to remove you as CEO?”
I shook my head and held out a hand. She placed hers in mine with a frown, that cute line between her eyebrows my undoing.
“I researched something today when I took a break.”
“You? A break?” She nudged my hip with hers, a flash of spark in her eyes. “Unheard of!”
“Shut it.” I grinned, fucking in love with her face. Her humor, smile, frown, all of it.
“I’m growing. I want to be a better partner to you.
” I led us to the counter where I had two pages of notes on different therapists we could visit.
Therapy made me uncomfortable. Being vulnerable was hard for me.
I saw it as a sign of weakness in every single way.
The thought of sharing my feelings with a stranger caused hives to break out in weird spots all over my body.
Yet I would do it. I could imagine my father’s words, gutting me with insults.
You’re not man enough. You keep your shit private.
What would the company think—that you need help? You’re weak.
His power to make me feel like shit knew no bounds.
I needed therapy to deal with him.
My throat closed up, and I wanted to toss the papers into the fire. Nerves took root in my gut. “Uh,” I started, my voice breaking. My face flushed as my body overheated with mortification.
This new dynamic between us was different. Laney held all the power now, and that kept me on my toes. I was used to knowing where I stood with people, both inside and outside of work, yet with her, I didn’t know.
Would she love the idea of therapy?
Did she like the fact I was putting her over my job? Her eyes had widened with fear when she said I couldn’t give in.
“I found a couple of therapists back home that I’d like to consider going to with you. There are options, and I know you suggested this before, and I didn’t hear you.”
As she nodded and chewed her bottom lip, the same unreadable look flashed across her face as before.
“What caused you to research them?”
I rocked on my heels, my hands moving to my pockets. Her tone was reserved, hiding her real feelings, and I missed when she used to share everything. Was this the wrong move? Was suggesting this now bad?
“We’ve been communicating better since we agreed to try, and I don’t want to fall back into bad habits again. If we have a standing appointment with someone, we—I—can make sure I don’t slide back.”
She ran a finger over the legal pad and scrunched her nose, her cheeks pinkening before she chuckled. “You mean this.”
She didn’t ask it like a question. It was a statement. Pride filled me. I did fucking mean it.
“Yes, hon, I do mean this. There is no part of me that won’t fight for you, for us.”
“What would your dad—”
I cut her off. “He’s out of our life. I know he’s a pain point, and I’m sorry for that. He’s had too much influence over me, and I’m done letting him get in between us.”
“Connor.” Her voice lowered, disbelief clouding her every word. “He’s not out of your life. There’s no way.”
Anger flared as blood rushed to my ears. “Yes, he is. I’m choosing you.”
Her face crumpled as she gripped the back of the chair. Sighing, she stared toward the kitchen, the look on her face causing my insides to tangle. Did I say the wrong thing?
I was choosing her, yet it didn’t feel like it was the right move.
“What is it? Talk to me, please.”
Pain flashed on her face.
“I’m struggling with how to communicate right now.”
“Okay, that’s okay.” I fisted my hands in my pockets. The evening was not going how I had intended. I thought—foolishly—that the counseling, my dad, all of those were the right steps. I thought she’d be excited about it, not… this.
“Laney, would you like a drink? I have beer or wine.”
She shook her head, not looking at me. Something had happened in the last ten minutes for her to lose the softness in her eyes, for this distance growing between us.
“Did researching the counseling upset you? We can talk it out. I can start the fireplace.” I needed to do something with my hands before I panicked. Things were not going well. “Hot chocolate? Fire and a cozy drink?”
Oh my God, I couldn’t stop talking. This wasn’t me. I didn’t ramble, yet here I was, my wife refusing to look at me while I tried not to lose my mind. “Yeah, I’ll make us drinks while you continue to not look at me.”
Shit.
She snapped her head in my direction, her eyes flashing with warning, but the irritation melted away as sympathy flooded her eyes.
“You’re right. I’m sorry,” said Laney.
I blinked. That was… “Hmm?”
There was a table between us, but in moments like this, where we weren’t calibrated, it felt like a whole town. Without her as my tether, I felt lost, and I never wanted to feel like this.
“I can see you’re nervous and that I caused it. I’m sorry for that.”
She closed the distance between us, stopping when the tips of her shoes hit mine. I wanted to grab her hip, touch her, kiss her, but I kept my arms at my sides and let her set the pace.
“I appreciate you looking into therapists for us, but a part of me is resentful because I tried doing that before and you blew me off. I know we’re in a different spot now, but those feelings are still there.”
The aggressive ball of emotion returned to the back of my throat, making it hard to swallow. “Valid.”
“A part of me wants to fight you,” she whispered, her frown lines returning. “But that’s not helpful nor really true. I think… it threw me off, and before I could figure out my thoughts on it, I spiraled.”
“Are you… do you want to talk it all out? I’d like to sit with you and clarify things.” My urge to argue with her dulled, and the need to figure out the root of the issue overtook my senses. She was upset. I had caused it. I needed to figure out what to do moving forward.
“How about this? I’ll make us drinks, and I can show you a surprise.”
“A surprise?” She arched a brow. “Do tell.”
I winked, squeezing her wrist four times instead of three.
“You’ll like it. Trust me.”
“You know I don’t need big gifts, Connor.” She followed me into the kitchen instead of waiting on the couch. Like I knew she would.
“It’s not a big gift, Laney.” I mocked her tone and pointed to a high-top stool. “Sit there and be patient.”
“That’s so hard though.” She groaned as I went toward the pantry where I had hidden all the materials.
Everything was in a bag, and I concealed them behind my back as I returned.
“This only cost twenty dollars, and I think you’ll appreciate it.”
Her eyes lit up, her radiant smile knocking me off-balance. My wife loved hot chocolate buffets, with every topping possible. It was one of her weaknesses, and I watched her as I set ten different materials all on the counter, ending with whipped cream.
“Oh!” Her grin grew as she clapped. “You bought a hot chocolate bar?”
“For you.” I opened up two packets and poured milk into a pan, keeping an eye on her and her smile. She immediately reached for the sprinkles and cherries.
“I know you love them.”
“Thank you. This is…” She trailed off, her voice watery. “I love it. I love you.”
“I love you too.” I held her gaze, hoping like hell she’d understand that my entire body and soul was put into those words. “Let me make you one. Then we can talk.”
“Deal.”
We ranked our favorite candies top to bottom, argued over if sprinkles added anything at all.
Laney was in the firm camp that sprinkles were everything.
I was the opposite. After a few minutes, I placed the steaming milk with hot cocoa in front of her, then leaned onto my arms, watching as she put all the toppings on it with an ecstatic smile.
“You’re adorable.” I smiled when she narrowed her eyes at me. “I love seeing you geek out over things.”
“You did good then tonight.” She wiggled her eyebrows and took a long sip, releasing a sexy moan. “Perfection.”
“Is counseling off the table?”
“Damn, Connor, coming in hot.” She chuckled and set her mug down.
Her pretty fingers wrapped around the cup, her nails a bright red.
“It’s not off the table. I’d love if we could make a habit out of seeing someone.
But the second you’d have to cancel or miss one, I’d be upset, and even now, with all our trust, I feel like you’ll abandon me. ”
“I won’t.”
Her gaze grew tender.
This moment was one I wanted forever. Her sitting there all cute, a little whipped cream on her face, her beautiful eyes staring at me with love and concern.
I leaned forward and wiped it off with my thumb, licking it off my finger.
She gave me a gentle smile before dropping more marshmallows into her cup.
“What are you thinking?” I asked, wanting more of her honesty.
“That I love this new connection, but when we leave the bubble of Cherrywood, that it’ll go back to normal. I know you’re trying to figure out a way to have a lifestyle change, a change of pace, but at what cost?”
“What cost?” I clarified. She didn’t understand. We could take a pay cut if it meant keeping our marriage strong. We had enough in savings.
“Yes, Connor. You getting fired doesn’t help us. You cutting off your dad sounds nice, but you’ve been here three weeks. That’s a blink of our life.” She pushed off the chair and wrapped her arms around herself. “He’s your only family left. He’s… Do you really want him out of our life?”
“You don’t like my dad.” My head throbbed. I didn’t anticipate tonight going like this. “Are you defending him?”
“I want us to find balance. You’re going to the extremes, and that’s stressful.”
“Having you walk out of our condo was stressful. Seeing your left finger empty is stressful. Figuring out how to not let my dad intimidate me? Easy compared to losing you.” I crossed the tile and couldn’t stop myself from touching her.
Hurt and uncertainty radiated from her, which was okay. I could stop it.
“You agree I need a life change, a balance, and there’s no way that’ll happen unless I beat the bullies. I’m standing up for what I believe in, and if they can’t see my vision, then I need to leave the company.”
She trembled.
I rubbed her arms up and down, noting how tense she was.
“I’ll be offered a severance package for half a year, which is plenty of time for me to find a better role for us. I even looked—there are twenty jobs downtown I could apply for right now. Or if we’re open to moving states—”
Her whole body tensed, and she gasped. “Move states?”
“Laney.” My tone held a hint of irritation. Her face, muscles, body—all of it gave her discomfort away, yet she said nothing.
“You need to tell me what you’re thinking. I don’t want to guess.”
She swallowed, pulling on the collar of her shirt as she chewed her lip. I hadn’t seen her act like this in a while, and I wasn’t sure if it was because of me, or something else. Either way, I hated it.
“Baby, tell me, please.”
“I don’t like that you didn’t talk to me before you did all this.” She sniffed, and her eyes glistened. “I don’t want to move back to the city. I miss living here, in Cherrywood.” She pushed away from me and started pacing.
My stomach bottomed out at her admissions, sending me off-balance and gripping the counter for support.
She continued, “I like how I feel here, where I’m surrounded by people I know and love. I’m not alone here. I’m… alone in the city, Connor.”
She wanted to move to her hometown. She was lonely.
My mind checked off each comment like a checklist, remaining neutral to them instead of reacting.
My pulse raced as I fought the urge to argue.
She had said those things before, but this time it felt real.
Serious. She looked at me, already wincing, almost like she was prepared for me to freak out, and I hated that.
It hurt me that she didn’t feel comfortable sharing every thought or feeling she had.
“I’m not sure I could live here when all the jobs are in the city. I could commute, but that would mean more time not at home… What’s your ideal world then, hon?”
“I don’t know!” She pinched her nose and her shoulders slumped. “I didn’t plan to have this reaction tonight. I’m sorry. I ruined a perfectly good night.”
“No, you didn’t.”
Fuck it. I pulled her into my arms and hugged her. Our chests collided, and our heartbeats matched, and I sank into my wife.
“I’m terrified right now, Connor, that love isn’t… that just reconnecting isn’t enough for us to figure out how to stay together and be happy.”
My throat tightened as fear rooted me to the ground. I was terrified too, but I wasn’t going to say that. I wanted to exude confidence, that I would do whatever it took to solve this. I kissed her forehead and then rested my chin on top of her head.
“We’ll be happy, Laney. I know it in my soul. We’re learning how to communicate again, that’s all,” I said, my mind already coming up with a plan. I needed to continue to date her, show her I was listening. I had the perfect idea…