Chapter 42
I’m. A. Jerk. I repeat the words to myself while banging my head against the wall outside Amelia’s room. I listened to her cry on the other side of this door for an hour. Every five minutes I got up to knock but sat myself back down like a toddler in trouble. Because I’ll only hurt her more.
I overreacted. Well, not at first. Conducting her own interrogation with a potential murderer by herself? What was she thinking?
But the way I laid into her. I let my fear from nearly losing her cloud my better judgment and I hurt her. Telling her to think for once? If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Amelia, it is that she never stops thinking. She’s constantly learning new things and looking for ways to help others. She genuinely thought she was helping me, and then I went and told her she was stupid for it. I don’t want her help because I don’t want to put her in more danger.
She has no idea how much I want her. How much I want to ignore my duties and kiss her until this world makes sense again. But how could she know any of this? I’ve never told her. Why is it so hard to say the right words out loud?
Because they’ll make me look weak. That thought hits me like a knife to the heart.
The first time my dad stole from me, I was eight. I’d worked for almost a year to save up for the bike I’d been eyeing in the store. I had finally earned two hundred dollars and was excited to tell my dad. He told me he’d take me to the store the next day.
But I came home that day after school to find my piggy bank smashed to pieces and a note from my dad. I had an emergency and needed the money, sorry, buddy. Next time.
I learned not to tell my father anything.
Not to give anyone a way to hurt me. I’m supposed to be strong. But no one could hurt me more than Amelia.
I press a hand into my chest, trying to rub out the pain there. I don’t deserve to be in her room, holding her after breaking her precious heart. Like my father broke mine.
“Did you get kicked out?”
I glance up to see a housekeeper pushing a cleaning cart. “Something like that.”
“Buy her flowers. Women love flowers.”
I give her a small smile. “Good idea.” But I have a better one. After she continues down the hall, dropping a chocolate mint on my lap, I pull out my phone.
I place delivery orders from two different places and then call Cruz while I’m waiting.
“Please tell me you’ve found something,” I say.
“I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” Always take the bad first.
“The Winthrops found out Liam has been here and they want him brought in for questioning. Rumor has it there’s a two-hundred-thousand-dollar bounty on the line.”
Great. Now every cop, private investigator, and bounty hunter in southwest America will be on the hunt for him. We’ll never get to him first.
“The good news is he may have been spotted at the airport,” she says.
He’s leaving town? Does that mean Amelia is out of danger? That’s too much to hope for right now.
“May have?”
“The footage was terrible. But you’ll be happy to know Supervisor Ford agrees you should keep a protective eye on Amelia until we know for sure.”
That’s a relief at least. I was worried I was going to be fired. “You finally managed to talk to him without fainting?”
“I’ve never fainted,” she grunts. “But you’ve got a couple more days to ensure her safety before you’re pulled back in.”
“Thank you.” I sigh. “That is good news.”
“What’s wrong? Things aren’t going well in paradise?” She chuckles. “What happened? Did she tie you to a pole this time?”
“Funny. But no. I may have said something I shouldn’t have.”
“I don’t blame you. She is pretty annoying,” Cruz says.
“Thanks for your opinion. I’ll be sure not to share it with her.”
“Oh, that girl you wanted me to run a background check on, Leah, or whatever, she’s clean.”
Amelia was right at least. “Thanks.”
A man carrying a brown paper bag smelling of lime and salsa wanders into the hall. “Cruz, I’ve got to go. I’ll call you later.”
I stand and wave to the guy, but chicken out of delivering the food to Amelia myself and ask him to do it. I had to check the food and frisk him first of course, which he did not appreciate, so I added an extra twenty to the tip.
I wait several feet down the hall, close enough to see Amelia when she opens the door. But she doesn’t look for me, she grabs the food and retreats into her room.
When the soda and gourmet cookies arrive, I take them from the delivery guy and plant my guilty, awful self in front of her door, ready to beg for forgiveness.
She opens the door but doesn’t say a word, only lifts a brow, waiting.
“I’m sorry.” I thrust the cookies and soda at her. “I was a jerk.”
She doesn’t move. Doesn’t take the offered treats, and doesn’t smile. It’s unbearable.
I rub the back of my neck. It’s going to take more than food. I need words.
“I could have reacted better.” Is that all the words I can come up with?
“No, the jealous protective vibe was actually pretty sexy.”
I stand straighter, my chest tingling.
“It was the other stuff I didn’t like.”
My chest deflates. “I didn’t mean it, Amelia. There’s no one in the world like you and you should never change for anyone. But this is different. It’s dangerous. I know you want to help, but I can’t risk your safety. The less you’re involved, the better, and there are some things I have to keep hidden from you.”
“Is that why you’ve closed me out? Why you won’t show me your heart?” She looks up at me with so much hope in those big blue eyes that my pulse slows. I’d rather show her all the case files on my computer or teach this reckless woman how to shoot a gun and fire a Taser than open my broken soul to her. Which is how I know that if I want something with her, showing her my heart is exactly what I’ll have to do. I have to show her my weaknesses.
“Give me a chance, Caleb,” she whispers.
“I—” How? Forget the fact I’m in the middle of a case involving her. How do I ignore the man I’ve always believed I am?
“You know what, it’s fine. You have a job to do and that’s what matters most right now. But someday, I hope you stop running from the good things. The good people. Unless being your dad is your end goal, then keep at it. But I hope you know, your path in life isn’t a consequence of your genetics. It’s your choice.”
With that, she slams the door in my face.
I’m completely dumbfounded. Speechless. How have I been so stupid?
Can it be that simple? I chose to keep people at a distance so I couldn’t hurt them like my father hurt me. But I became him anyway. He wasn’t the only one who made me, though. I also had the most incredible example of resilience and forgiveness.
How do I love like you did, Mom?
I tug at the ends of my hair and pace the hall, my thoughts exploding like grenades through my brain.
It would be terrifying to lay out all my scars for Amelia, but it would be even more terrifying to lose her because I wasn’t willing to try. She is everything I never allowed myself to want.
But can I be what she wants?
I want to be that man.
After the fifth trip down the hall, I stop outside her door again, prepared to knock. But she deserves more than a rushed plea. She deserves my heart, and I won’t beg for a chance until I can give it all to her.
I sit down on the floor and pull out my phone. Then I write down every thought that comes to mind. I practice emptying my heart, so that when it’s time I’ll have space for her.