20. Zoe
Zoe
My body is changing in subtle ways that others probably wouldn't notice, but I do. I can't handle it, and it's making me ill.
It's been over a week since Dominic left me on the floor of the library, and I'm starting to feel like that was a completely different person.
I empty my guts into the toilet for the third time today. It's getting worse. I wasn't even able to make it through Calculus. I couldn't say for a fact what is wrong with me, but I have a feeling it's the same thing that made me miss my period.
Not that I expected it to come.
The last dying breath of my delusion that I was a Beta came the day I had to run out of lunch because I felt my teeth falling into points after Warren said something that pissed me off.
He's been an asshole to Cliff since that day in the library when he saw me clutching the Beta's arm, and the little barbs are driving me crazy. Cliff has taken it all in stride, but it must make things uncomfortable in their shared room.
It's like Warren doesn't want to be my friend anymore, not since he kissed me.
I still can't get it out of my head, and not in a good way. Something about the way he held my body, as if I were a possession, has burnt any potential romantic feelings I had for him to dust.
I thought I'd be overcome with loneliness without him, but I'm not. His attitude is pushing me closer to Cliff and Viv every day.
Ilota has been silent, no matter how many times I pray to her. It's hard not to be furious at her over it. I'm telling myself that it must take considerable effort or devotion from worshippers to speak to me. It's the only way I can keep a lid on my resentment.
I read Fate of the Fire from cover to cover, and there was only that one reference to the Daughter of Garnet.
I would believe it to be nothing more than a folktale if I weren't living it.
I was chosen by Ilota after hundreds of years of silence, and now wear a chunk of garnet that has been in my family for generations around my neck.
There are no other books about Ilota in the library. At least, not ones that I have access to. I could ask Cliff if he would mind letting me into the archival section to check, but I'd need to tell him why, and lying to him feels wrong.
By the time I stop retching, Calculus is over, and I stumble back home. There was no point in waiting to walk with Warren.
For the last week, every time I walk into my room, I find something from Cameron, whether a note or a gift, and today is no different.
Sitting on my desk is a green glass bottle with a slip of paper beside it.
For your stomach.
I pop the lid off and sniff, my nose tickling with the scent of ginger water. I'm long past wondering how the mysterious Alpha knows things about me. The letters on my desk have proven to me that he has eyes everywhere.
This slip goes to the top of the larger stack, but, like a moth to a flame, I'm drawn to the small one, and like I am possessed, I read through the three notes there again.
I have them memorized, but for some reason, I need to see them in ink.
You need to rest. You're going through a lot right now.
You can't do this alone.
Secrets never keep.
If there was any doubt that Cameron knows the truth about what I am, these three remove it. He knows I am an Omega, and he's waiting for me to be ready to tell him.
And maybe I would, if my Goddess ever answered one of my pleas and gave me permission.
There is a knock on my door, and I sweep the notes into my desk drawer before opening it. Warren stands there, a bottle of ginger water in his hands.
"Brought you this for your stomach. How are you feeling?" I take the bottle from him and set it next to the other. He frowns. "Oh. Looks like you already have some."
"I'll drink them both, I'm sure. Thank you for looking out for me." He shoulders past me into the room even though I don't invite him in. "By all means, come in."
"Cool. I wanted to talk about something."
I sit on the edge of my bed and tug my dress from under my thighs, conscious that it'll show off too many of my changes if it's stretched taut. I wait in silence until he spits out what he came here for.
"You need to stay away from Cliff."
My immediate reaction, a swirling in my gut and an angry roar in my mind, takes me by surprise.
It's bullshit he's asking this of me, and I'd never entertain it, but just the thought of not seeing Cliff has my teeth starting to grow sharp.
I will it away, breathing slow and steady, while Warren continues talking.
"I don't like the way he looks at you. He's not a good guy, Zoe.
" My face must betray the disgust I feel at his statement, because he drops onto his knees in front of me and grabs my hands.
"I know you don't see it, because he puts his best foot forward around you, but I live with the guy.
You have to trust me on this. Have I ever lied to you? "
The history we've shared together makes my brain want to trust him, but my gut doesn't. The incongruence makes me feel ill, and my stomach roils again, despite it being empty.
Warren shoves one of the bottles of ginger water into my hands, anticipating my need before I can voice it.
It's stuff like this that reminds me how much he cares for me, and why I never wrote off the idea of us ending up together.
Affection for him lies just under the surface of my heart when he opens his mouth and shoves it back down.
"He's only hanging around you for one reason, and we both know what that is."
My skin feels like it's going to burn off, I've grown so hot.
How dare he think so little of me? We have been friends all our lives, and he thinks the only thing I can offer to a man rests between my thighs?
"What does it matter to you if that is what he wants from me?"
Warren flinches, but it's so slight I almost miss it. "You're my best friend. I'm just looking out for you."
"Best friends don't kiss the way you kissed me."
Does he think my words are an invitation? It would be the only excuse for how he rises to his feet and cages his arms around me.
"I told you, we're meant to be together. Why should we wait any longer?"
I shove him away, and he goes without a fight.
"Does that mean you'll no longer be bringing people back to your room to fuck?" He stumbles back, as if I landed a physical blow. "Yeah, I know all about that, Warren. You're free to sow your oats, but you warned Cliff away from me from day one, like you had any right to do that."
He runs his fingers through his hair, leaving anxious tracks in the blond strands. "That's nothing. Those people mean nothing. You're inevitable, Zoe. We're inevitable."
My chuckle is hollow. "But only you can take advantage of the time we spend apart before then? Are you so certain I want to be with you that you don't think sleeping around is going to deter me?"
"Don't act like you haven't fucked anyone."
"I'm not. I'm saying that it's mighty convenient that you care about that now that you're aware I have a prospect." I don't know for sure if Cliff is romantically interested in me, but I hope so. Every time I'm with him, it feels like I can breathe better.
Warren, my best friend, crowds so close to me that I end up lying flat on my back in my attempt to put space between us.
"What are we waiting for now? I only held off in case our designations weren't compatible. Now that we know we're both Betas, there is nothing holding us back from being together.
I want to scream at him that I'm not a Beta, but I keep my mouth shut. If I break my promise to Ilota, it won't be for Warren. Not when he's behaving like someone I don't recognize.
The heat that grows under my skin is enough to make me cringe, and the desire to strip my clothes off and let it take over me is getting harder to quell.
"I need you to leave, Warren." I keep my teeth gritted because I can feel their sharp points and a heaviness in my tongue that will reveal me as anything but Beta. "Now."
He reaches forward and tries to push my hair off my face when he swears.
"Shit, Zoe. You're burning up!"
Fuck, he can feel that?
Is this what it feels like to need to shift? I have never felt this before, and the need to let whatever beast lives in me out is reaching a fever pitch that I can't ignore.
"Go, Warren. Leave." My voice is so resonant that I know he can hear the change. Maybe that is why he heeds my command and backs toward the door.
"I don't know what's going on with you, Zoe, but you need to figure it out and accept your fate. We're meant to be together."
Accept my fate?
If only he knew how apt that phrase is. At this point, I am on a first-name basis with her.
I slam the lock on the door after he leaves and throw my head back with a bellow.
"Ilota, what am I meant to do?"
Her voice comes to me, but it's thin, like she's speaking through the wind.
"I tried to hold it off as long as I could, but you have to shift, and you have to do it privately. No one—"
"No one can know what I am, got it. But have you forgotten that Omegas aren't supposed to live in isolation? That I need someone?"
"You don't understand what's at stake if people realize you've been Blessed by me. I need you. Kestia needs you. This is bigger than you know."
"I'd know if you told me anything!"
I slide on my shoes and take off out of my room at a run, down the stairs, and into the evening air. Most of the campus is in the dining hall right now, so very few people see me running like a maniac toward the forests that border the athletic fields.
As I run, I yell at the Goddess, but this time only in my mind.
"And I need support. I don't know what is happening to me, you don't tell me shit, and it's getting harder and harder to hide this."
I can hear a frustrated sigh in my mind, as if she were a mother and I an errant child.
"You need to try to do this alone."
I'm by the gym when I let out a frustrated bellow, the volume of which is too loud to have come from my throat. Birds take flight, and the sole person walking through the doors stops and stares at me.
"I have been trying for weeks. I'm telling you I need help. All I'm asking is you don't smite me when I find it."
She's silent as I run through the woods, searching for a spot that feels secluded enough to turn into whatever it is trying to burst out of me.
"Fine." Her voice is resigned and sounds further away than before. "I hope you make the right choice."