Fifty-Four
Fifty-Four
M utti and I are in the garden room a few days later when Erna pays a visit in the early afternoon. Mutti is knitting booties; I, a little hat. Rather odd, considering I’m to give this baby away, but we don’t speak of this.
“Erna, how good of you to come by,” Mutti says, looking up when Vera shows her in.
She has news. I can tell it when our eyes meet for a fraction of a second. But I don’t know if it’s good or bad. I desperately want Mutti to leave, but she carries on knitting, asking Erna politely about school exams and her parents and her future plans.
Suddenly, I can’t bear it any longer.
“Mutti, would you mind if Erna and I take Kuschi for a stroll?”
It stops her midflow.
“We’ve agreed,” she says, “that Vera will take the dog out from now on. And until you get back from your... break.”
“Yes, but it can’t do any harm, can it, Mutti? Just a short walk, with Erna.”
She sighs. “I suppose not. Don’t go too far, and stay on the quiet roads, yes?”
What she means is, don’t go places people we know might see me. The fewer who know, the less explaining we will have to do later.
“No, Mutti. Don’t worry, I know the rules.”
O UT OF THE house, I can breathe again. Just to feel fresh air on my cheeks and escape the oppressive walls of home is uplifting.
With Tomas living in the house, too, the claustrophobia grows.
He’s moved into Karl’s old room. It was Vati’s idea.
Mutti had visibly stiffened when he suggested it.
There are plenty of other spare rooms he could inhabit, so why Karl’s?
It’s right next door to mine, which seemed appropriate, Vati had said.
Nobody suggested he should join me, in mine.
In the end Mutti accepted it, but she doesn’t like it, and nor do I.
The rank factory smell follows Tomas into the house when he returns at the end of a shift.
Sometimes beer and cigarettes. It’s not for long, he assures me.
A few more weeks and he’ll be done there forever.
Then I shall have to get used to being the wife of an army recruit.
“Thank heavens she let you leave the house,” Erna says, as soon as we are out of the gate. “Come to my flat. My father is there, and he’ll tell you what can be done.”
“You have a plan?”
Erna slips an envelope from her pocket.
“This is for you. From Walter.”
My hand trembles as I take it from her. To see his writing on the envelope. My name formed by his fingers.
“Erna—you didn’t tell him?”
“Just... read it.”
I wait until we reach Erna’s flat before I open it. Erna goes to be with her father, leaving me and Kuschi alone together in her room.
May 1939
My darling Hetty,
The first thing I must say is do not be angry with your dear friend Erna. I know that you did not want me to know, for the sake of my happiness, what has happened. But she has told me, and she was right to do so. I cannot imagine how you have borne this on your own all these months.
I also cannot write here all the emotions I’ve felt since I had news of your pregnancy.
I am just so sorry, and so full of self-hate that I let this happen, and that I’ve abandoned you when you need me most. You know that I would desperately love to be with you forever, and to raise our little family together.
It would make me happier than you could ever know.
But there is little point in dwelling on this, because it is impossible.
Erna has given me the basic facts of your awful situation.
That the pregnancy is a secret and once the child is born, your mother has arranged for it to be taken to a Jewish orphanage.
Hetty, I do believe the full facts of what is truly planned for us Jews are being suppressed in Germany.
Suffice to say here that I worry our baby is in grave danger.
For this reason, I believe there is only one solution to give him or her the chance of a decent life.
I have told Anna all about you—about us—and now about this baby.
I needn’t go into detail, but after many tears and frank discussions, Anna has agreed that, if you are also in agreement, the baby should come to live with us.
She will raise it as her own, love and nurture it, as, of course, will I.
Anna is afraid that if one day you were ever to come for him or her, you may try to steal me away, too.
I have done my best to reassure her, but in my heart of hearts, how can I make such an emphatic promise, when, should you turn up one day at our door, I do not know that I could stay.
A large piece of me will always belong to you, and I suppose she can sense that.
It is not an easy way to start our married life.
To be writing these words, to think of you reading them, is torture.
I want you to know that, whatever we can do to help you, I will move heaven and earth to do it.
I cannot bear to think of our child in an orphanage.
The priority must be to get him/her out of Germany as soon as possible.
It is almost unconscionable to think that anyone would do any harm to a baby, but after what I experienced in that camp, I do not doubt it.
In these last six months, I have seen the worst, and also the best, of what humankind is capable of.
Herr B?cker is working hard to get passage for our baby, as well as for Josef’s three children, Lena’s boy, and several others, on one of the kindertransports leaving Berlin.
We will be fostering all the cousins and Lena’s boy.
It will be a strange and difficult transition for Anna and me, to go from just the two of us to suddenly being a family of seven!
I have no idea how we shall manage, but with the help of Anna’s parents, we will somehow make it work.
It’s quite an extraordinary program, Hetty.
English families from all walks of life are stepping forward to offer these complete strangers, these poor traumatized mites, temporary homes, until such time as they can be reunited with their families in a safe place.
I’m writing this in haste to ask if you can agree to this plan? Please think about it and reply soon.
With all my love, now and forever,
Walter
I reach the end of the letter in a flood of tears. I wonder, if I were in Anna’s place, would I be so generous? Anna: You have my man, and soon you will have my child. I should hate you even more.
But instead, I feel only love and gratitude.
A soft knock at the door. Erna comes in with a pot of tea and apfelkuchen on a tray. She places it on the bedside table and sits on the edge of the bed, smiling.
“Well?” she asks softly. “What do you think?”
“Oh, Erna... Yes, of course yes. A thousand times yes.” I try not to think of the moment I will have to part with this baby who kicks and squirms inside me.
I place a hand on my belly as though to reassure it.
My heart squeezes tight. I focus, instead, on the moment when we can be reunited.
When somehow all this madness is resolved.
When I can see Walter again, even if he is married to another.
For the first time, I see things from Anna’s side.
“You must tell Walter I’m married too. It would be better for his new wife to know that... She might find it easier with the baby if she knows there is no threat. Tell him I’m happy. Please.”
After a pause, Erna nods and squeezes my hand.
“Good. My father is pretty certain, given there is a sponsor for the children in England, that he can get them a place on the kindertransport . The problem is the timing, with your baby not yet born, and the other children ready to go anytime. But with all the demand there is a backlog, so the timing could just work out.”
“But how are we going to arrange it? I’m to leave for Berlin soon. I’ll be a prisoner in a maternity home...”
“Ah, we thought about that, too, and my mother and father have said you must come and stay here, with us. We know a Jewish doctor who might be able to help with the birth. We’d keep it all quiet, of course. All you have to do is convince your mother—”
“You would do that? For me ? Surely this could put you all in danger?”
She laughs at my expression. “I hope you finally understand how much you mean to me, Hett,” she says.
“Besides, we want to do something. It feels good to be helping. There is nothing worse than sitting back and being helpless when faced with something so... huge... you can’t fight it.
What’s happening is so against everything we hold dear.
Even if we do something small, help just one person, well, that’s defiance, isn’t it? And that’s worth it. Just in itself.”
I look at my dear friend in awe. She has been so kind, so brave, and so forgiving. She could easily have turned her back. “Oh, Erna, how can I ever thank you?”
“There’s no need.”
I bite my fingernails. “I don’t know how to get out of going to Berlin.”
Erna fixes me with her bright green eyes.
“You have to get your mother on your side. You’ll work it out. But right now, we need to send a telegram to Walter and let him know your decision.”