Fifty-Five
Fifty-Five
I n the quiet of the early morning, I pull out the letter Erna handed over to me yesterday. I reread the words, over and over.
My dearest Hetty,
It is once again in a turmoil of emotion that I find myself writing.
I’m relieved, terrified, devastated, and filled with overwhelming love at your decision to send our baby to England.
I dare to hope that one day, you will be able to follow and that this will somehow turn out to be for the best, and we will all be reunited.
Erna also tells me that you are married to Tomas.
In all honesty, I have struggled to come to terms with this.
My reaction was utter disbelief, but she swore this was what you wanted, and that Tomas has been very good to you.
If this is true, then I will try my best to be happy for you.
But this cannot be the truth. I find it strange, to say the least, that Tomas should take a wife already expecting another man’s child.
I also believe I know you well enough to know this can’t be what you really want.
I suspect that you, like me, have been swept along by events over which you have no control.
I suppose we are neither of us in this situation out of our own choosing.
I also want you to know that Anna is a good, forgiving person and I know without any hesitation that she will treat our baby with love and tenderness.
Were things different, I feel certain the two of you would easily become the best of friends.
Know only this, my dearest love, I will never stop loving you, from this day until my very last.
Yours,
Walter
Tomas and Vati are eating breakfast and reading the morning papers when I come into the dining room. Mutti has not yet appeared. It still gives me a jolt to see Tomas sitting in Karl’s chair at the table.
Vati glances at me as I come in. He folds his paper and slurps the dregs from his coffee cup.
“I must be off,” he says, pushing back his chair. “Busy day.”
Don’t worry, Vati, just a few more days and I won’t be here to pollute the atmosphere and offend you any longer.
“Morning, darling,” Tomas says, watching me help myself to juice and slices of bread.
He reaches for my hand as I sit across the table from him, drawing his fingers across my skin.
I pull my hand away and begin buttering the bread.
“I shall hunt for a place for us to live, while you are away,” he continues.
“It’ll take my mind off your absence. Just seven more weeks at that arschloch factory.
I can’t wait to get out of there. I begin my training mid-September, so we shall have some time together before that.
Then I will be close by for twelve weeks.
After that, who knows? There are rumors, you know. ”
“What rumors?”
“That Germany will take Poland.”
“What do you mean?”
“We need more space. And the Poles...” The skin on his face contracts. “I hate them.”
Mutti hurries into the room.
“Goodness, I overslept this morning! I haven’t done that since...” She doesn’t finish the sentence. She pats her neat hair, smooths her dress.
Tomas folds the paper and taps the front of it. “See that?”
I look at the images of smiling war veterans proudly raising gold medals for the photographs. “5,000 German Soldiers Return from Spain Triumphant!” the headline proclaims. “Goring Awards Medals for Valor.”
“One day,” Tomas says, “I plan to make you proud by winning a medal of my own.” Mutti has her back turned, helping herself to coffee from the sideboard.
Her shoulders hunch, and I frown at his thoughtless words.
“But for now”—he sighs, as he gets up—“I’ll have to make do with dreaming about it. ” He kisses my forehead as he leaves.
At last, I have Mutti alone. I wait until she has drunk her first cup of coffee, smoked her first cigarette, and is relaxed in her chair with the newspaper.
“Mutti,” I say, before she becomes engrossed, “I need to talk to you about something.”
She looks at me expectantly. My mind goes blank. I need the right words. Exactly the right words.
“Well?”
“The plan,” I begin, “for me to travel to Berlin on Saturday...”
“We’ve been over this, Hetty, lots of times.”
“I know. But... please let me say something. Hear me out before you reply—”
“Nothing is going to change, whatever you say. I thought this might happen. The closer it got to the end.” Mutti’s body is upright and stiff. Unyielding.
“Please. Just... listen.”
She shrugs her shoulders and lights another cigarette. I gag slightly; the smell of smoke still induces nausea.
“I know you all see me as a problem to solve. And I know how you feel about... the baby. But I’m speaking to you now as a mother.
A mother who gave birth to two babies. Who must know how it feels to carry a new life around inside her for nine months.
To grow attached to that life, more than you ever thought possible, even though you’ve never met that person.
..” Mutti has her lips pursed and is shaking her head.
My mouth is dry, and I take a gulp of fruit juice.
“I’m not suggesting a change to the ultimate outcome.
I know I can’t keep this baby, because of who its father is.
But I can’t let it go to that orphanage.
Through... a friend... we’ve found an alternative.
To send the baby to its father, in England, where it will be well looked after and safe.
I just want it to be loved and have a chance—”
“No! Absolutely not, Herta. I’ve spent a lot of time making these arrangements. You cannot expect me to change—”
“Mutti, please—”
“You are infuriating! It’s out of the question.
What if this were to get out? You realize Vati would be ruined?
His good reputation is vital to his career, to everything we have.
He has worked so hard to get to where he is.
I cannot jeopardize that, even if I wanted to.
No, what’s been arranged keeps everything tight.
Very few people know anything, and I’m paying a fortune to those Jewish pigs, a fortune to keep their mouths shut .
..” Her eyes widen. “Who have you been speaking to? You were warned to tell no one .”
“Mutti, it’s fine. Don’t worry, the secret is safe. I promise you—”
“What does it take to make you learn, Herta? Time and time again you do this...”
She’s getting angry. She begins to jiggle her leg.
“Mutti—”
“You know I would never go against your father’s wishes. I would never be disloyal to him. This is an utterly pointless discussion.”
“There’s a thing or two you should know about Vati’s loyalty,” I cry out in anger and desperation.
It’s time she learned the truth about her precious husband.
I’ve kept his dirty secret for long enough and I couldn’t care less about sparing her feelings anymore.
“Things I’ve found out. Things Vati wouldn’t want others, especially you—”
She holds up a hand. “Stop right there,” she says, her voice hard. “Don’t say a word more.”
I meet her eyes. And then I see it.
“For Christ’s sake.” I exhale. “You know, don’t you?”
“Of course I know. Do you think I’m stupid?” Her leg is jiggling again. Up and down, like a piston.
“Why? Why do you put up with it?”
“What choice, exactly, do you think I have, hmm? I put up with it, because I have to . And I love him.” Her eyes fill with tears.
“Without him, I am nothing. So I fill my time with other things, I close my mind to it, and we carry on. He pretends it’s not happening, and I pretend the same.
That’s how it is. We all have our shadows, Hetty.
The demons that keep us awake at night. Don’t think your life will be any different, because it won’t be. ”
“Oh, Mutti...”
She dries her eyes and pours herself another coffee.
“As long as he thinks I don’t know, everything will carry on. Everything will be okay.”
There is desperation in her voice, as though she is telling herself this because she doesn’t quite believe it, and she hangs on to it. Like a lifeline. But none of this is helpful. My brain whirs.
“Then you understand, Mutti, even better than I thought, what it is to lose both the love of your life and your child.”
“Yes,” she says, looking at me. “Yes, I suppose I do.”
“Then help me . You don’t wish the same fate for me, do you?
This can be our secret. Vati must never know.
You deserve to keep something from him. This is your grandchild , Mutti.
Your grandchild fathered by the boy who saved your daughter from drowning all those years ago.
Together, we can do this, Mutti. Do it for me, and do it for you . ”
She looks at me in silence for a long time.
At last, she opens her mouth to speak.
“What, exactly, is it you need me to do?” she says.