Chapter Fourteen
What was Jaki supposed to say to that stuff? Sorry? It’s okay? It would never be okay, and he wasn’t sure how Lumi had even managed to keep himself together enough to function after what he’d been through.
Jaki wasn’t sure if he’d want to survive while alone and suffering for years and years.
Then again, the drive to live was often strong for many beings, and it had somehow stayed in Lumi.
His daughter helped now. He didn’t hate her despite being Tivar’s.
Besides, it wasn’t like she asked to be born to them, so it wasn’t her fault.
Jaki lounged on the floor against the wall and dozed for a bit until it grew dark. He lit the lantern in the cabin and stretched without bumping anything. Jacqueline made a noise on the bed next to Lumi who was dead asleep.
She was probably hungry or ready to be up.
Jaki leaned over Lumi to properly look at her face as she quieted and went still.
Maybe she’d been dreaming. The dye on his brother’s ears had faded a lot.
While pregnant, why bother changing his looks since he’d be stuck in a room?
Tivar must have trimmed his hair since it was shorter than Jaki’s which came past his shoulders now, and it wasn’t very neat.
Most of the grey from the glamor shampoo had worn off, although Lumi still had patches in his white hair.
Jacqueline certainly took after Lumi with her white hair. She had tufts on her pointy ears, and the rest of the white fur was fine. The pink of the skin showed.
She grunted in her sleep, so Jaki gently picked her up.
Maybe if he could keep her calm, Lumi could sleep for a little longer.
He certainly needed it. People didn’t typically go on long trips right after birth, and while he hadn’t complained, he still had to be feeling the effects from it.
Sitting on a horse for hours was even tiring for Jaki, and he didn’t want to imagine what it would feel like after pushing out a baby.
He carefully sat by his brother’s feet. Hopefully, he wouldn’t get mad about Jaki holding her. It was his niece after all. Jaki knew to support her head, and he got comfortable with her.
Babies weren’t really his thing since they often cried a lot, and none of the courtiers brought children to court.
It wasn’t allowed in a place where public debauchery might happen.
He had little experience with them, and holding her felt a bit awkward since she was small even though she wouldn’t break like a glass ornament.
He figured he’d better get used to having a niece.
Jacqueline was quite cute as she yawned. She squinted at him with an expression like the sight of his face offended her delicate sensibilities.
“You certainly are a Princess,” he muttered as he touched her chin. “Don’t cry, okay? Let your Father sleep a little longer. He’s quite tired.”
She grabbed his finger with one tiny hand. He assumed he’d have a baby one day, although it was always a “later” thing in his mind even though Father said he needed an heir.
He shifted Jacqueline to move her to his other arm the way he’d seen Lumi do, and he reached to turn up the lantern just a little. The tiny window showed it was completely dark outside now. He looked down at Jacqueline and noticed her eyes as she continued watching him.
They were pink.
Lumi’s were green like the sea ice in the north, and Reesing had the same color. Elswere said Jaki had gotten his eye color from his birth mother, and nobody else in the Royal Family had pink. Tivar was adopted, and he didn’t have pink eyes either.
She also had tufted ears like Jaki.
He glanced at Lumi, who was still asleep, and thought back. They’d only fucked once. That was it. It was the right timing, but…
It only took one time. Lumi had used his heat like always. Perhaps the herb failed, but it was more likely that Lumi hadn’t had time to take it. He’d had the guards haul Lumi out of his room early that morning. Not once had Jaki thought.
Lumi had never gotten pregnant before with Tivar.
Her name suddenly made sense. Lumi must have guessed, and now that Jaki was staring at her, he could tell she also had his nose along with the same coloring he shared with Lumi.
She wasn’t his niece.
He’d damn near pounded Lumi into the floor that morning, and not once had he thought of consequences, herbs, or anything.
The only thing on his mind that morning had been hate and lust. Hate because Lumi had been a spy endangering them and refusing to break, and he shouldn’t have wanted to fuck someone sent by the enemy who wanted to see the Ice Court fall.
Yet, he hadn’t been able to get rid of the lust and the encompassing desire to bury his cock in his own brother.
He’d been disgusted at himself for being unable to squash it, and he’d finally broken and given in.
More hate for himself followed for allowing his lust to get the better of him, and he’d taken it out on Lumi by sticking him out in the open hallway while naked.
He couldn’t have a daughter with his brother. It wasn’t done, and he wasn’t like Tivar, even though the bastard wasn’t actually blood-related.
But it was done, and she was there now.
Lumi shifted and immediately reached beside him. Not finding Jacqueline, he sat bolt upright with a wild expression and startled Jaki.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I picked her up because she seemed to be waking up. I thought you should sleep a bit more.”
Lumi rubbed his eyes, and his hands shook. “I-I thought...” He blinked at Jaki who used the glamor necklace. “What? Why do you look like that?”
“Nothing.”
“I can tell by your face it's not nothing.”
Jaki handed her over. “It’s-stay here and rest.”
Lumi took her. “Jaki-wait.”
Jaki grabbed his cloak and stepped outside before he wrapped it around himself. He’d seen Lumi’s expression. He knew Jaki had seen her eyes and figured it out. Had he ever planned to say anything? Maybe he didn’t want to, and Jaki shouldn’t have picked her up.
He’d thought it was Tivar’s child because Lumi obviously wouldn’t have access to herbs with him.
Tivar’s whole goal had been to get a child off of Lumi anyway, and sometimes, an infertile person might manage to sire or conceive a single child.
Some couples tried for years before finally having a kid.
She wasn’t Tivar’s baby.
As he went to the railing to look out, he couldn’t decide what was worse. A child from the non-related rapist who had abused Lumi since he was fourteen, or a child from his half-brother, who had fucked him to work out his hate and other complicated feelings he’d been too weak to fully bury.
He hadn’t even apologized for it or dared to bring it up. Once he’d had time to gather his thoughts after the incident, he’d wanted to fuck his brother again, but he’d also wanted to keep Lumi there and safe with him.
Even now, a part of him wanted to run in and comfort Lumi.
He gripped the railing as he tried to will the cold wood to ground him. Lumi seemed to love her, and it wasn’t like she had asked for any of this. He’d carried her for months while stuck in conditions Jaki wouldn’t keep a dog in.
He wasn’t sure what to do or say. Maybe Lumi secretly hated him for saddling him with something he couldn’t get away from even if he loved her now.
It was Jaki’s fault. Lumi shouldn’t have to deal with a baby after everything else he’d been through.
Every single thing in his life for over a decade had been forced upon him, and Jaki had only added to it.
On the deck, the fisherman and his son had set up stones so they could cook with a fire or warm up. The Father was cooking while the son took care of guiding the boat. Fortunately, the Ivar flowed into East Iceland, and they’d be farther north than Jaki had been when he left, which was all right.
“You got a specific place you want to be?” asked the Father as Jaki stood by the fire.
“Um, the closer to the border, the better. We have family in East Iceland. We haven’t seen them in ages, but they’ll take us in.”
The man grunted as he kept stirring the pot of stew.
Plenty of families had been divided in the country thanks to the border.
If patrols caught common people, they weren’t permitted into the other side.
Jaki wasn’t actually sure if they were being fed, but the food looked like enough for four people.
Normally, Jaki wouldn’t have been uncomfortable with the silence since they were two men with their own thoughts.
But he kept imagining what the fisherman would think if he knew who Jaki was and how he’d impregnated his brother by accident.
Or how much he’d thought about fucking Lumi again until the day in the tower when he realized his brother couldn’t face sex without the heat.
Father had once mentioned that Jaki wasn’t the same as he used to be when he was little. And it wasn’t just because he used to make friends so easily and bring home animals he found outside. Father said he wasn’t cold, but he had grown up with a faint hardness.
Jaki had taken it as an insult at first, but Father was right.
After going into hiding, he’d been the one to try and make Mother feel better.
Preti had told him not to cry while crying enough for three people.
He'd ended up trying to be strong enough for the two of them while hiding his fear that he’d never see Father again.
She had been too delicate for a life of turmoil.
She later died when her heart gave out despite having her husband back.
The physician said the stress had been too much for her in the long run.
Jaki had lost a lot of friends right before the war since they’d hidden in case Reesing decided to lock them up too.
He hadn’t bothered to make any later. Not real friends anyway. Courtiers came and went. Bed buddies came and went. Father drank too much now.
It had been a long time since he’d wanted something beyond the basics with another.