Chapter Nineteen #2
“I never grew anything there, and the pots were so nobody would step over him.”
The tables and soil trays were empty except for a couple. A few plants were straggly and mostly dead. The High Mage crouched, set his shovel by his knees, and clasped his hands.
“Elira, please forgive me for disturbing this body. It is only to move it to a better resting place.” He stood with the shovel and started digging.
The simple prayer was enough before disturbing the resting place. Since the glasshouse would have more warmth than outside, the ground wasn’t frozen and difficult to move. Once he got about five feet down, he found the body.
Lumi hadn’t felt much during the digging. Once the High Mage laid the tiny bundle on the ground by the pile of dirt, his throat tightened. The bundle looked to be almost nothing since it was only bones in a shroud. That was supposed to be his big brother, except he’d never taken a breath.
If he had lived, he likely would have truly watched over his little brother, Lumi. Everything would have been different. He’d be next in line. The war never would have happened, and if Reesing had passed for another reason or decided to retire, the true Tivar would be on the throne right then.
Lumi would be known as Edur by everyone.
But if the real Tivar hadn’t died, the fake one might have since he’d been born to a homeless woman. Perhaps, with so many things different, Father wouldn’t have strayed, and Jaki wouldn’t exist.
Tivar’s life for Jaki’s and a homeless woman’s baby? Tivar’s life for Lumi’s freedom, sanity, and no Jaki at his side? None of it seemed fair. He wanted them both, his parents, and never to know what it was like to stare at a skylight in an endless cycle.
Everyone was quiet for a moment as they stared at what seemed to be a knitted blanket or perhaps a shawl that was old and dull with clumps of dirt clinging to it. The true Tivar was only bones, and he’d never lived, but he’d be remembered by the few who knew of him.
He blinked tears out of his eyes as he held onto Jaki’s hand. The High Mage brushed off a dirt clod before he opened the small coffin and gently lifted the bundle.
“Shall we place him in the Temple now?”
Jaki nodded. “Yes.”
***
Lumi stared at the coffin on the floor as the thick wheels of the carriage crunched over snow.
“Plenty think the fake Tivar isn’t the real son,” Jaki said suddenly.
“Elswere didn’t keep it a secret with Reesing dead, but I told them not to gossip about this.
I don’t want a bunch of fuss and endless nonsense about Reesing or anything he did to start up again because the Mages want to talk.
He’s dead, and gossip can stay dead too. ”
“It’ll never truly die.”
“We can at least try not to feed it.”
Lumi nodded as Jacqueline suddenly spit up down the front of herself. He shifted the little bag next to him so he could get a cloth to wipe her chin. “Erm, your Mother…?”
Jaki’s face tightened again in the light of the lantern swinging from the ceiling, and he leaned over to look at their daughter. “Is she all right?”
“It’s just a little puke.”
Jaki settled back. “Preti was my Mother, and I never yearned for another. I considered my birth Mother lost since Elswere had no idea where she was, and Reesing never admitted her name. I thought about it a few times when I was older, but it made me feel disloyal to Preti.”
“I don’t think she’d truly mind. She knew you loved her and saw her as Mother.”
“That’s why I might want to see her now, or at least write, but…I still don’t know. I need to think about it, and we have other things to do at the moment. I’ll have to fight too.”
Lumi’s stomach turned over. “I don’t want you to fight.”
“I will. This is our Kingdom, and I’ve sat on my arse long enough too. I’m not staying home while others do the dirty work. You’re not properly trained for war, and Jacqueline needs you, so you’re not going.”
Jaki said something else, but Lumi lost it as he pictured the skylight.
If something happened, Lumi would have to flee with her.
If Tivar killed Jaki and his army overran the east, he’d come for Lumi.
If he got hold of them…Tivar might keep Lumi alive simply to torture.
Maybe he’d try to get more heirs from him.
Lumi would rather die than go back to that room knowing Jaki was gone forever.
If Tivar didn’t kill Jacqueline, Lumi couldn’t bear the thought of her being raised anywhere near that monster.
What if he abused her when she was older?
What if he brought another prisoner and forced Lumi to fuck them? He might abuse a son too.
It’d never end until Tivar croaked of old age.
“Lumi.” Jaki turned into the seat as Lumi. “Look at me. I’ll be fine.”
“You don’t really know that! I don’t want you to die. Or Jacqueline. I can’t g-go back either.”
Jaki cupped both sides of his face. “Before we go, I’m going to send you out of the country with her.
He won’t find you at home, and there will be loyal men with you to take you further if needed.
I’m not going to let him ever get his hands on you again or our daughter.
But you won’t need to go far because I’m going to gut him for what he’s done to you.
When you return and go to sleep every night, you’ll know he’s erased from the realm.
He will never touch you again, and our daughter will be safe. Do you understand me?”
Lumi managed to nod, and Jaki wrapped his arms around his shoulders.
“I’ll come back, and I promise we’ll be together with Jacqueline.”
***
A small tomb lay underground behind the Temple. Bodies to be laid to rest later could wait there.
They’d likely never know where Mother’s body was, so they couldn’t have a funeral for her. She had probably been dumped in a hastily dug hole, and Lumi’s chest tightened as his brain threatened to unravel again.
Reesing’s mistakes and attempts to fix them had eventually led to the death of the woman he’d tried to keep from hurting.
The room was empty except for one corner where a coffin lay. Perhaps the family had to travel there, or it would be transported soon. The High Mage placed the small coffin in the center before he knelt at the side to pray.
The other Mages kneeled at the sides to whisper prayers to Elira for the baby’s rest.
“May you be sent down to live again and know nothing but peace in your new life,” Jaki murmured as he stood nearby with Lumi who muttered the same. “Maybe he’s already been born again.”
Everyone got one chance in their shell, and that was it. Nobody came back from the dead. It didn’t mean their soul couldn’t be sent back to live again. Some stayed in Elira’s rest, and others got to try life once more with the past wiped away.
Perhaps he was no longer Tivar and thriving somewhere else.
***
Lumi awoke after dawn, and pure panic gripped him as he looked around in the dim light. Jaki wasn’t behind him in the bed, and Jacqueline wasn’t by him. He stumbled into the sitting room to find Jaki holding their daughter and walking back and forth while he hummed.
“She’s quite an early riser.” Jaki turned, and his expression dropped as he looked at Lumi.
Lumi leaned on the doorway with his heart pounding. “You-you weren’t in the bed.”
Jaki brought her over. “I’m sorry. You fell asleep while you were feeding her, and she was awake, so I brought her in here. She’s safe. Do you want her?”
Lumi nodded, and Jaki passed her over. His heart still thudded as he tried to convince himself nothing was wrong.
“You need to teach me how to do a nappy because it doesn’t look quite the same as when you put it on her.”
Jacqueline gave Lumi a toothless grin like she was happy to see him. Or maybe it was gas. “I will later. It’s fine for now.”
Jaki leaned in to kiss his forehead. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I wanted you to sleep more.”
“You got up with her,” stated Lumi.
Jaki squinted. “Of course.”
“Perhaps you’re not so bad at being a Father. You automatically thought of what to do with her.”
Tivar would have snored away and left Lumi to do everything. If she’d fussed, he would have been a prick and rudely woken Lumi to “deal” with it. Jaki didn’t look entirely convinced, like he still thought there was some extra, particularly special thing he was supposed to do to be a good Father.
“You’re doing fine,” said Lumi.
“I’m not good with babies or used to them,” said Jaki. “I’m just doing what I see you do, or what I’ve seen and heard from others.”
Lumi headed back into the bedroom. “I imagine a lot figure it out like that.”
“How do you know how to change a nappy?”
Lumi placed her on the bed and sat by her.
“There was a girl here when I was nine. I don’t remember who her parents were.
I didn’t want to play house with her, but she pretty much forced me to.
She knew how and had little siblings, so I guess she was already practically a nappy expert.
She made me practice on her dolls. She was quite bossy and said I wasn’t going anywhere until I could do it to her satisfaction, which took about two dozen tries. Elira, it was boring.”
Jaki’s face broke into a smile. “I can see a little girl lording it over you while you miserably change a doll's nappy for the twentieth time.”
Lumi’s lip twitched. “Once she was satisfied, I told her I was going to find treasure so she and the baby dolls could live rich, and I’d probably have to kill a few bandits, so it might take a bit. I went upstairs and didn’t bother to come back down.”
Jaki sat on one side of Jacqueline as he chuckled. “Are you coming to the tomb?”
“I thought it was a given.”
“If you’re going, I don’t think it’s a good idea to take her.
It’s a long trip, and that far north, it gets much colder.
There’s a wet nurse in the city. At this point, she might be feeding babies in exchange for whatever food she can get in return.
Not many have much money. We’d pay and feed her here. ”
Lumi had imagined taking her because they’d traveled while she was only days old. It had been out of bare necessity. Taking her far north wasn’t a good idea.
“You could stay and let me do it,” said Jaki.
Lumi bit his lip as he stared at Jacqueline who was kicking her feet in her loose blanket.
Her little tail twitched now and then. The idea of leaving her at all made his chest tighten.
At the same time, it wasn’t fair for Jaki to go and do it by himself.
He’d done so much, and he’d be going to war too without him.
Lumi hadn’t lifted a sword in years, and he’d be a liability on the battlefield.
“I’d rather go with you and see this done. It’s not that I don’t trust you’ll do it. I just want to be with you.”
“You don’t have to if you want to stay and rest.”
“I’ll go. I don’t want to leave her, but we're doing this for her too. This is a bit in our lives we can close for good by returning the Crown to Rinder. We should do it together.”
Jaki nodded. “All right. Mary could watch her here. She’d likely appreciate the pay if we ask, and she could eat here. I’ll have her see about the wetnurse today.”
Lumi nodded. “All right.”
“If Mary can’t watch her, I think the physician would agree. She’s a good woman.
“Why not the physician and Mary? With a wet nurse, they could take turns so nobody gets too worn out, and if someone needs Mary’s skills, she can still go. I’m sure others like her, and we shouldn’t make her completely unavailable.”
“True. I’ll speak to them after breakfast.”
Lumi had a bath while Jacqueline rested in her basket on the floor so he could keep an eye on her. He hadn’t bothered to look at himself much, but when he was drying off, he noticed himself in the long looking glass on the wall of the privy room.
He really noticed himself.
Jaki had marked him, and while he hadn’t proposed in a grand way, which didn’t seem like Jaki’s style anyway, they’d be getting married.
Lumi had a hard time imagining being married like so many other people with normal lives, and it was even harder when he gazed at himself.
His stomach had gone down a little, but it wasn’t anywhere near flat like before, and the skin was loose.
Red marks were on his side and belly. He even had a couple on the sides of his swollen pecs, and his nipples had darkened.
He’d gotten used to the long scar down his torso, and it bothered him again. Jaki already knew it was there, but he didn’t have the same tight, mostly smooth skin and body like last year.
He hadn’t seen Lumi naked or much of his body at all in days since taking him away. What if he thought the initial look right after birth was already better? Lumi’s trousers and loose shirts hid his belly. Maybe Jaki was imagining he’d be getting a husband whose skin was tight and firm once more.
Lumi had no idea how or when that happened.
He’d never seen a woman or an abundant male naked after giving birth.
How long would his stomach look puffy with the stretched skin?
Were the marks going to go away soon? What was Jaki going to think if Lumi undressed in front of him?
It might take months for him to look more normal.
One of his pecs leaked milk as he stared at himself in disgust.