Chapter 15
Chapter
Fifteen
ZEPHYR
I’ve been a shit friend and haven’t taken any of Jude’s calls since we talked shortly after he and Conner left the island. Or had it been weeks after he left? Either way, it’s certainly been far more than a week or two since we last spoke.
I haven’t even been good about responding to his texts. There’s no reason exactly. At least not a conscious one, where I’ve made the decision this is why I’m not answering.
After feeling so conflicted the last time we spoke, I’ve done the mature thing and shoved that shit deep down inside me.
I won’t be that person. I refuse to be in love with my best friend.
I’m still not entirely convinced that’s what happened, but the strange, heartbroken feeling that gripped my chest when he spoke about Conner is pretty clear.
This morning, as I walk down the hall on the third floor, doing my part and checking all the outside doors and windows so Darwin doesn’t have to do them all, Jude calls. Not once. Not twice. Three times. I have a feeling he’ll keep calling until I answer.
So I answer.
“Hey.”
“Seriously? That’s what you have to say?”
“Sorry. What’s up?”
He snorts. “What the fuck, man? Why have you been ignoring me?”
“How do you feel about pretending it didn’t happen?” I ask and lean against the wall.
“Not a fucking chance. What the fuck?”
“Maybe I’m in my feels and don’t want to talk.”
Jude is silent. Yep. He doesn’t know how to take that. I’m mistaken if I think that will make him drop it, though.
“About what?”
“I don’t particularly want to talk about it.”
“I don’t give a shit. You’ve ignored me for almost a month. We’re talking about it.”
Despite his forcing a conversation when I don’t want to, I smile. Jude is the kind of friend everyone needs. He’s fun and exciting, but he’s also very much about real connection and friendship. He’s also a damn role model for how fucking driven and dedicated he is in his career.
“Maybe I’m seeing Darwin,” I suggest. Matty immediately flashes before my eyes. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been borderline obsessed with that man since he stuck his dick in Darwin’s tight hole with mine and then kissed me hotly while Liam practically fucked us all through Matty.
However, that’s a conversation I’m not having right now. I can’t even pretend to know what’s going on. The groupie has happened once. Once. Maybe it was a one-time thing.
Now that makes me sad.
“Are you?” Jude asks.
I frown. “I don’t know. I guess.”
“You sound so enthusiastic.”
Pushing myself up from the wall, I begin pacing down the hall. “As I said, I don’t want to talk about it.”
“As I said, I don’t care. You’ve never ignored me like this before, so while I don’t think Darwin is the reason, if that’s what you want to pretend is the reason, then we’re talking about it.
What do you like about him? Do you have a lot in common?
What have you two been doing all alone at the castle? ”
I could totally distract him with Chokecherry’s sudden determination to get onto the island undetected. Too bad for those idiots, we have a superb security alarm of dozens of ghosts and a man who can hear them.
That’s a cop out, though. It would probably be reason enough for why I’ve been kind of ignoring the world, but it’s not. There’s no doubt in my mind that he’d call back later and demand the actual reason I haven’t taken his calls or responded to his texts without distraction.
“I think maybe I had feelings for you, and I didn’t realize it until you got with Conner. Hearing you talk about him… made me feel weird,” I say.
This time when the silence stretches, we both know that’s the truth. And just like the previous time Jude didn’t respond immediately, he doesn’t know what to say about it.
I laugh when his only response is, “Oh.”
“Now can we drop it?”
“No,” he says. “Fuck no. I don’t want to lose you, so we’re going to talk about this until it’s nothing more than a dead horse. You’re my best friend, and I’m not letting you go, fucker.”
A grin splits my face. “Good. But I think I’m fine now.”
“A month, Zeph. You’ve been ignoring me for a month.”
“And I answered today. So…”
“After I called three times back-to-back! Don’t think I wasn’t going to get my ass on a plane and come out there if you didn’t fucking answer me, asshole.”
“Yes, sorry. It took me by surprise when I realized, and I haven’t really allowed myself to think about it since, so I don’t actually have anything to say, Jude. I’m sorry I was a dick.”
“Did I say something to make you feel… bad?”
I laugh. Not at his question, but at the way we’re awkwardly fumbling through our feelings and having a serious conversation. Talking about Alice was like this, too, but that wasn’t a situation that I ever found humor in.
We both come from what the world deems as ‘unconventional’ or ‘untraditional’ households, so I feel like we’re already open to our emotions and shit more than the average man who’s spent his entire life being shoved into the same toxic mold.
What no one really tells you is that women don’t particularly enjoy talking about feelings and shit either.
My mother hated it far more than any of my fathers.
“No. You didn’t do anything. I asked about you and Conner, and you answered. You’re happy, and I love that, but…”
“You wanted me to be happy with you?” he suggests.
“No, that’s the thing. I don’t want that.
” At least, I’m still pretty confident I don’t want that.
“Look. I always imagined that you and I would be single forever and once you retired from hockey, we’d continue with our chaos and shenanigans together until we died.
Now you have a partner you love, and the weird-ass future I imagined isn’t possible. ”
“Yeah, it is. We’re still going to do that, Zeph. Conner in my life doesn’t change that. He doesn’t take your place.”
“Are you sure? Everyone is so determined that their romantic partner is their new best friend.”
I can practically hear his eyes roll. “Those people are stupid. I didn’t erase my life before Conner, and he didn’t create a brand-new identity for me. He’s an addition to my life. Not my entire life.”
“People expect that they’re your entire life now.”
“Then they live very sad lives. I have a family whom I love, and Conner’s presence in my life doesn’t change that.
I have a job that takes up a stupid amount of my time; Conner doesn’t change that.
I have NF and the boat club; Conner doesn’t change that.
I have my best friend, and Conner’s presence doesn’t change that, Zephyr. ”
I sigh. “Thanks.”
“We’ve always judged people hard who think that a single person is now their sole identity. I’m a little offended that you think I’d become one of those people.”
“You’ve never brought a boyfriend around before. It was… startling.”
“You did an epic job of hiding that while we were there.”
“Thank you. I tried.”
Jude laughs. “Jackass.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t answer your calls.”
“Or texts.”
“I answered some of those.”
“You answered three of the almost one hundred.”
“You’re exaggerating.”
“Go count them, fuckhead.”
I know he’s hurt by the constant calling out of my assholery. “I’m sorry, Jude. I am. I swear. I’m so sorry. I won’t ignore you again.”
Jude huffs. “Fine.”
“How is Conner?”
“We don’t need to talk about him. I don’t want you to—”
“No,” I interrupt. “He’s your partner, and this isn’t going to be a topic that we avoid. That’s not how our friendship remains intact. We can’t ever have a topic that we tiptoe around. I meant what I said. I’m good now.”
“Because of Darwin?”
“I’m not sure it’s cause and effect, but… maybe?”
There’s a pause before Jude speaks again.
“Conner is good. He’s liking his job. He enjoys dropping in on practice to watch.
The team enjoys his presence. Coach lets him on the ice sometimes.
I’m not sure if it’ll end up with a foot in the door, but he gets to practice with us sometimes, and I think he’s really happy about it. ”
“Good. I can’t imagine working my entire life toward something and then it suddenly not being an option.”
“I know. I try to put myself in his situation and imagine what he’s feeling.
If someone told me I couldn’t play hockey anymore and there’s nothing I can do about it?
I’d be raging. Heartbroken. Devastated. I guess…
kind of like this conversation about Conner, I try to keep hockey a light topic, so I don’t make him feel worse about not getting drafted. He calls me out on it often.”
I grin. “Good. Hockey is your life.”
“It is. But equally, so are you. So is Conner. So is my family. You’re right. I can’t avoid a topic having to do with any of the important aspects in my life. Thanks for not letting me try.”
“Don’t get sentimental. It makes me itch.”
He huffs. “Now tell me about Darwin. You’re equally avoiding that.”
“There’s not a lot to tell. I didn’t know he was here when I stayed behind. He propositioned sex, and I agreed.” I feel a little sick to my stomach by simplifying it like that. It feels dishonest. It feels disrespectful toward Darwin.
“You want me to believe that’s all that’s going on, huh?”
I’m almost relieved when he doesn’t let it slide.
“No. But I really don’t know what’s going on because we haven’t talked about it.
” I wander into the nearest room and toward the balcony.
It’s a beautiful day out. The sun is shining in a clear sky.
There’s no wind on the St. Lawrence River. It almost feels like spring.
So I’m not in the least bit surprised to find Matty outside. I stand at the edge of the balcony and look over the terrace that I’d been on the first night, when Darwin found me outside. In fact, Matty is sitting almost exactly where I was.
Liam is with him. Stupid man is always with him. At least Matty is smiling.
“What do you think about being involved with multiple people?” I ask.
“Uh… does he already have a partner?”