36
EMERSYN
Over the next few weeks, I distanced myself from the guys, too freaked out by what had happened with Riggs.
It helped that we didn't have any jobs planned except for some surveillance for the next hit, so I spent most of my time in my room, with Fang, when I wasn’t needed.
It was lonely, and I realized this was the loneliest I’d felt in a long time.
Sometimes when I was alone in my room, I thought about my father.
When I’d first come out of the forest, I’d told myself I’d get settled into this new normal and then I’d see about locating him.
But, now that the possibility was within reach, actually finding out if he was dead or alive terrified me.
If he was dead it would be like losing him all over again—and if he was alive?
That felt equally as daunting because what if he’d moved on?
What if he had another family? Other kids?
For so long I thought I’d want to immediately run to my father, but I realized I also harbored a lot of anger towards him that I wasn’t ready to address either. How do you bridge the gap with someone you haven’t seen since you were a child?
I didn’t know. But, I also realized that this might be one of those things where I would never be completely ready. Maybe, I just needed to take a quick peek and rip the bandage off. Because, honestly, if he was dead, then I’d need to grieve again for sure, but I’d be able to move on.
I knew enough not to use any device I had easy access to.
Lev would find out if I did, so that meant going somewhere that had a computer with internet access.
From our frequent trips around town, I knew there was a small convenience store that had a computer in the corner people could pay to use.
That’s where I planned to go, and I was doing it tonight.
I got out of dinner by telling Lev I didn’t feel well and after the house was asleep, I snuck out my window and commandeered one of the SUVs.
I knew in a house full of ex-military men and copious surveillance cameras that truly sneaking out was impossible, but I wasn’t stopped and I surprisingly wasn’t followed.
The cashier looked up from his magazine with a bored look when I entered the store.
I resisted the urge to yank the collar of my jacket up further and quickly handed over some cash.
Once seated at the ancient computer, I took a deep breath and hovered my gloved hands over the stained keyboard, debating where to start.
Theron North.
The search pulled up nothing. Not even any articles regarding the fire at the lake house, or our family’s disappearance. I typed in another search.
Kraven North.
Nothing again—
Theron North military.
Again, nothing. I spent the next five minutes searching everything I could think of, but no matter what search I did, nothing came up about my father. It was more than suspicious, and I’d been around Lev long enough to know what it meant—he didn’t want to be found.
I hunched over the keyboard, hands clasped under my chin.
I could still give up and ask Lev, but I knew it would open up all sorts of questions I didn’t want to answer.
And God forbid, Riggs found out. I wasted a minute of my time lost in thought.
The timer on the screen said I only had two minutes left.
As a last ditch effort, I typed in my last search.
Private military contractors.
I wrote down all of the ones that populated the first page with their contact info and drove back to the safe house.
My mind whirled with next steps and the possibility of actually finding my father that I didn’t notice the shadow move in the hedges under my window until a muscular arm wrapped around my neck from behind.
My training blended with instinct and I reacted.
In a split second, I had the man, who I realized was Riggs, on his back beneath me, the flat of my dagger pressed against his throat.
“I don’t like being snuck up on,” I growled.
“Maybe you shouldn’t be so careless then.” He surged up, his arms banded around me. I inhaled sharply, unsure how I felt at the abrupt contact.
“You gonna put that away?” I couldn’t make out his features very well, but his voice vibrated through me and sent a shiver up my spine. I hid it by stashing the knife back at my waist. I went to get up, but Riggs' hands slid down to my ass and pulled me harder against him.
“Riggs,” I warned, but my voice sounded breathless.
“Where’d you sneak off to, Syn?”
I gritted my teeth. “None of your business.”
“I disagree,” Riggs rumbled.
Despite my dislike of Riggs, my entire body felt alive.
I realized my fists were bunched in his shirt and forced myself to relax my fingers.
He was hard between my legs, and although warnings blared in my head and told me I needed to get off his lap, my body rather liked where his cock was pressed.
His warm breath tickled my ear and sent electric sensations straight between my legs.
“One wrong move from you could compromise everything.”
I opened my mouth to argue, but before any words could come out, one of Riggs’ hands snaked under my clothes and tweaked my nipple over my sports bra.
I slapped him on impulse, even as my breath caught in my throat.
I froze, because fuck, I hit him—again. But, instead of getting mad like I anticipated, he hardened even more between my legs.
“Where were you tonight?” There was a dangerous edge to his voice.
He still held my hardened nipple between his fingers and squeezed it with firm pressure that quickly woke me up everywhere.
Everywhere, but my rational thoughts. When I still didn’t answer, his other hand squeezed the crease of my hip and thigh, his thumb millimeters from my center.
The tension between us was so thick, I couldn’t take a breath without being completely consumed by his scent.
“Stop.” My voice was no louder than a choked whisper.
“Stop?” Riggs sounded amused, but there was also a rough quality to his voice I liked a little too much. Or rather, my pussy liked it—I just wanted to slap him again.
His finger twitched against my breast and I tried to shove him away but only succeeded in shifting my hips against his. My thin leggings rubbed against his hard length that strained in his jeans. Something very close to a growl came from Riggs, while I had to fight myself not to do it again.
“Syn,” he breathed.
The way Riggs said my name, in that rough voice that sounded suspiciously close to a plea, was deadly.
I cursed quietly and surged off his lap.
I shoved him away as I half-stumbled, half-fell backward to get some distance between us.
I grabbed onto whatever shred of self-control and decency I could find that told me this was a bad idea. Because, it was a very, very bad idea.
“Don’t fucking touch me,” I snarled.
We both climbed to our feet. I was glad the darkness hid our features.
I didn’t want to see his face, and I sure as hell didn’t want him seeing the confusion on mine.
Or worse, how fucking turned on I was. I was surprised when he let me run away and I made it all the way back to my room unmolested.
I crawled into bed still irritated. I tossed and turned before I ended up staring at the dark ceiling, wide awake with an itch under my skin.
My hand drifted down to the band of my underwear.
I shouldn’t—it wouldn’t solve anything—hell, it would probably make things worse.
But, my entire body was strung so tight with need I knew I’d never be able to sleep.
My fingers dipped under the fabric. The shame of how wet I was nearly had me abandoning it all, but I shoved thoughts of Riggs from my mind and focused instead on the faceless man I usually used.
The one who was kind, generous and whispered filthy things in my ear.
I figured he was a combination of some fictional man I’d come across in one of my books, but as long as he didn’t have Riggs’ face, I was fine.
Except, the more I touched myself, the more the man was Riggs.
It was his growly voice whispering all the dirty things he wanted to do to me, and it was his rough fingers that pushed me over the edge.
I slammed my other hand over my mouth to stifle the moan as I came hard.
Harder than I would ever admit. As I drifted off to sleep, my traitorous brain wondered if I was the one on his mind as he took care of his own problem, and I found I wasn’t too upset if the answer happened to be yes.
The next morning, the front door to the house slammed open on its hinges and echoed through the house. Lev was typing on his laptop at the kitchen table and Mouse was cleaning up the remnants of breakfast—we all looked up when Riggs stormed into the kitchen, his face red with rage.
“Problem, boss?” Hangman asked.
Riggs ignored him. He strode over and boxed me against the sink where I’d just put my breakfast plate down.
“Who is Theron North?” he demanded.
“What the fuck?” I demanded, instantly enraged.
“Who is he?” Riggs shouted.
I shoved away from him and tried to leave the kitchen, but was cut off at the door. He herded me against the island. The kitchen had gone silent, although I noticed Hangman was on his feet and had subtly shifted closer. Riggs didn’t seem to notice.
I glared up at him. “Where did you get that name?”
“I went to that internet cafe—”
“What the fuck?” I fumed.
“Who is he, Syn?”
“I don’t have to tell you every little thing I do, Riggs!”
He leaned closer to me. “Who is he, Syn?” Riggs punctuated each word in a low growl.
“I’m not telling you shit.”
“You can’t just go Googling shit, girl!” Riggs roared. “Who is he? I need to know so I can make sure we have all our bases covered—”
“He’s no one—” My voice rose to match his and broke in the process. “No one you need to be concerned with.”
“You don’t get it, do you?” Riggs raged. “This is all my concern. Everything you do—”
“This has nothing to do with you or the team!” I growled.
I went to turn away, but Riggs grabbed my forearms and yanked me back to face him.
“Riggs,” Hangman barked.
“Who is he?” He said in a deadly soft voice. “If you don’t tell me, I will find out, and you don’t want that, Syn.”
His grip on my arms tightened and I winced.
“Let her go, Riggs,” Hangman said, his voice closer.
“Who is it—” Riggs snarled.
“Get off me, Riggs—”
Everyone was yelling now. Panic gripped me. No one was listening. I needed space. I hated how trapped he made me feel—I pulled back my fist to punch him. I didn’t know what else to do.
“He’s her father!”
I froze in shock. All the attention shifted to Lev.
“What?” Riggs said at the same time I said, “How do you know that?”
“Let her go, Riggs,” Lev stated.
I yanked my arm out of Riggs’ grip. He let me take a few steps away from him, his face filled with shock that mirrored my own.
“Your father?” Riggs stammered.
Lev ran a hand over his face. “Sit down, both of you.”
I collapsed into a chair at the counter, and Riggs yanked out a chair at the table and sat down.
“Syn, I’m sorry for prying into your personal life,” Lev started. “I looked into you pretty soon after you showed up on my doorstep. I got your full name from Sacha’s paperwork.”
I sighed. I should have anticipated this.
“I thought you said your family was dead?” Riggs demanded.
When I didn’t say anything, Riggs slammed his fist down on the table. I jumped and Lev went to speak, but I beat him to it.
“My father might be alive,” I muttered.
“Well,” Riggs turned to Lev. “Is he?”
I stiffened in my chair and my chest felt tight. This was it—I was about to learn the truth. Lev frowned at Riggs.
“If Syn wants to know—”
“I don’t give a fuck,” Riggs snarled. “Is he alive?”
“It’s okay, Lev,” I said. “Is–is he alive?”
My hands fisted the hem of my sweatshirt and I wasn’t sure I was even breathing properly.
“It’s complicated,” Lev said. “I found a record of him in Austria dated around five years ago. Since that time there’s been nothing.”
Since that time there’s been nothing. So, I was back to square one. But, I did have a glimmer of hope. Lev’s information proved that my father survived the clearing in the forest. I’d always had some fear that Albatron had shot him too. My nightmares loved to play out that scene sometimes.
“There are some businesses I still want to investigate, but as of right now, he’s a ghost. If you want me to keep looking—”
“No,” Riggs interrupted.
“No?” Lev repeated.
“You heard me,” Riggs stood up and walked over. I watched him warily as he approached. “You have to choose, Syn. You either want to get revenge and operate in the present, or you walk backward into the past, and try to find a shadow of what could have been.”
“That’s not really fair to ask that—” Hangman protested.
“I’ll not teeter on the edge of sentimental insanity,” Riggs said coldly. “She chooses, or I shut it all down. We’re not here to chase ghosts.”
I could feel the small cracks in my heart at the thought of putting away the hope, maybe for good, that my father was still alive.
I must have had a look of devastation on my face because Lev’s eyes filled with pity, and Hangman took a step toward me.
Riggs flashed him a glare and he froze, his look of anguish quickly replaced by submission.
The rest of the team was either staring with equal parts pity and trepidation, or they were focused on anything but me, as the tension in the room thickened.
The shitty part was, I could see the logic in Riggs’ ultimatum.
We didn’t have the resources to be stretched thin.
I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to focus on revenge, and figuring out what happened to my father.
A small voice told me I was justifying Riggs’ toxic behavior and not to fall into his trap, but with all of the men waiting on my answer that would decide everything, I felt the pressure to go with Riggs’ decision.
“Fine,” I said, my voice barely functioning.
I’d pick a side—for now. I’d do what I set out to do—tear down the people who’d caused harm and then, and only then, would I search out my father and learn the truth.
Besides, what was a few more years? I’d survived half my life without my father—what difference did a few more years make?
At least, that’s what I told myself to keep the grief from overwhelming me.
I stared at the floor, but saw Riggs nod curtly out of the corner of my eye, satisfaction written all over his face.
“That’s settled. Abandon the search, Lev. Ready the brief for tomorrow—we meet in the war room in fifteen.”