33. John
33
JOHN
I’m restless, so when dawn hits, I decide to get dressed and join Jack and Aaron for a hike in the foothills. Despite my good intentions, my car has a mind of its own and heads in the opposite direction toward the docks. Micah has only been gone a few days, we haven’t spoken since, and though I’m dying to hear from him, I also think it’s a good idea to keep our distance and lick our own wounds for now. Besides, I’m sure he’s busy getting back into the swing of life in LA, from work to the upcoming casting call and maybe even filing our divorce papers at the courthouse.
My heart throbs with such a deep ache that the only way I can figure to momentarily alleviate it is to be nearer the place he loves. Maybe the peace he finds with the ocean will rub off on me. I’m actually grateful he got me on that boat and in the water because my siblings and I have been avoiding it like the plague ever since the accident. Or at least the boats. The beach has seemed like a good compromise.
I walk down the dock and step inside the bait shop to buy some gum. Cap is sitting behind the counter, his cane propped beside him. His granddaughter is stocking a shelf and wriggling her nose at the smell of something in a bucket nearby. Probably worms or grubs. I snicker to myself because I’d feel the same.
“Wh…what…brings…you…in?” Cap asks, struggling with the words. I feel bad for the man, but I can tell how much he’s missed being around these parts. Why else would he show up for work like this? Unless it’s to keep an eye on his family members. Wouldn’t put it past him. I’m the same with my bar.
“Just this.” I randomly select gum and place the pack on the counter. Then, my gaze travels toward the bulletin board, where the sales flyer hangs for the boat. “But I also wondered if you’ve heard…if there’s been any interest in the Malone boat.”
“Not that I’m…aware of.” He scowls. “But…you know what somebody… d…did have an interest in?”
I straighten at the question. “What’s that?”
“To buy this…sh…shop.” I can see all over his expression how much that irks him, and maybe it’s more about pride than anything else.
“Is it even up for discussion?”
“Nope.” He folds his arms. “Besides…if it was, it would have to…to be the right…p…person under the…r…right circumstances.”
“You mean like your family members?” I can see Emma fidgeting in my side view, much like she did around the bucket. “I hear they’ve been doing a good job holding down the fort during your recovery.”
He nods and motions toward his granddaughter. “B…but they have other…interests. Emma just…g…graduated high school and…p…plans to start college. And my…d…daughter, Mary… already has a full-time j…job over in Sandy Springs.”
“Well, it’s nice to have help from time to time.” I rap my knuckles on the counter. “I’ve learned that the hard way. Take care.” I wave goodbye and head toward the door.
“Wait, mister.” Emma walks over to us. “One person did ask about the boat, and I told them to inquire at the storage warehouse.”
My stomach squeezes at the news, but what did I expect? This is a fishing community, and the boat seems solid enough. “Okay, thanks.”
Once back on the pier, I walk to the end of the row and turn right, even though Vitamin Sea isn’t there, let alone Micah. I stare at the ocean, at the other boats moored in their slips, at the fishers already gathered for their day. That’s when a large vessel heading out to sea catches my eye. Calamity Jane . She’s been repainted a darker shade of blue, and I smile despite myself, imagining Grandpa Malone helping release the cages filled with the day’s catch. The air would smell like a mix of fish and salt water, much like it does now, but more pungent the closer you got.
I watch as the ship disappears over the horizon as if I only imagined it, and I’m filled with such profound melancholy that it almost feels like an omen. For what, I don’t know. Christ, listen to me. Beth would be proud.
I walk back to my car and wave as I pass by the shack again. My gaze snags on the warehouse, and my feet take me toward it. No harm in inquiring there too.
A man with a toothpick hanging out of his mouth approaches me. His name tag reads Bert . “Can I help you?”
I almost tell him I’m related to Micah through marriage. Instead, I pretend I’m just a customer. “I’m interested in the Malone boat that’s for sale.”
“Sure, follow me.”
I have no idea why I’m pretending I’m interested, but it feels like the safer option for now. As opposed to the other emotional responses surging in my gut. “Have there been many offers?”
“Only one, but the man lowballed him,” he throws over his shoulder.
“Oh, I see. So he’s not budging on the price?”
“As of now, nope.” He grimaces. “Though I don’t know how much interest that’ll get him.”
I have to wonder if his stubbornness on the value is by design. So he doesn’t have to let go of it just yet.
When we get to the dry stack where Vitamin Sea is stored, I walk around the hull, pretending to check the finish. “Seems in good shape.”
“For her age, you bet.”
The decision clicks into place, and I know it’s the right one even if I can’t fully unpack the why of it just yet. “I’d like to put in an offer for the full asking price. But on one condition.”
Bert shifts his toothpick as if skeptical. “What’s that?”
“That the buyer remains anonymous. I’ll pay cash. Give me a couple of days.”
“All right, then,” he replies, studying me cooly. “I’ll let Mr. Malone know.”
Feeling calmer than I have in days, I head to my car and slide behind the wheel. Micah will likely be disappointed to hear the news, but I won’t stay anonymous forever. Or maybe I will. Depends. For now, it feels best.
By the time I get to my house, I’ve come to the realization that my impulsive purchase is predicated on the desire to keep a piece of Micah for myself. Or rather, something he treasures. And you never know, maybe with time, I’ll become a boatman or a fisher. I don’t have many hobbies outside of work, so I just might surprise myself.
That night, I feel halfway human again, even whistling to myself as I greet and serve customers at the bar. The idea of being able to hold on to something that represents Micah and our life together brings me temporary peace.
“You look better than I expected,” June says as she slides onto a stool.
“I’ll have to agree,” Jack adds from behind her. “We’re here to offer support, brother.”
Sadness filters through June’s gaze. “We know how painful it’s been for you.”
I press against the stitch in my chest. “Appreciate that.”
I keep my emotions at bay and fill their drink orders, but after a few minutes of chitchat, it’s getting harder to keep my earlier decision to myself.
“I bought a boat today,” I announce nonchalantly.
Well, it’s not official yet, but I have savings enough that I can manage it.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Jack nearly spits out his beer. “You going through a mid-life crisis or something?”
June shushes him. “Let him explain.”
“It’s a used boat. Small enough to handle.” I blow out a breath, wondering if I should’ve kept it to myself a while longer. I'm not sure why I expected anyone to understand. “One I’m already quite familiar with.”
My siblings stare at me until the answer registers in June’s expression. “You bought Micah’s boat.”
“I did,” I admit quietly, and the idea still feels right in my gut.
But I can see Jack winding up. “Why the hell would you?—”
“I don’t need anyone to question me,” I bite out. “I’m a big boy and can make adult decisions for myself.”
“Yes, you can.” June throws my brother a severe look. “I’m sure you have your reasons. Even if they’re nostalgic.”
“You’re right. Sorry.” Jack studies me. “Maybe you think Micah will come back for it. Or maybe you plan to take it to him at some point.”
Those thoughts have crossed my mind, even if the logistics don’t line up. Still, I don’t admit it. “Actually, Micah won’t know I bought it. Cash purchase.”
“Can you even aff?—”
“Of course he can,” June hisses, and I want to kiss her for trusting me. Jack will come around eventually, but he’s got to ride me and brood about it first.
“Thanks for the vote of confidence. Besides, I thought it would be good for us.”
Jack’s eyebrows knit together. “Good for us ?”
I smirk. “Yeah. We live near the ocean. None of us have been brave enough to step foot on a boat since the accident.”
June’s eyes widen. “Johnny, I don’t think?—”
“Micah got me out there.” I smile sadly. “I was terrified, but it turns out I enjoyed myself. We never ventured far beyond the break wall and never chanced it if a storm was brewing.”
A sobering quiet descends in the air, swirling around us. It’s still painful to talk about, but we’re getting there.
June’s late husband, Dan, was an avid boater, and she seemed to only tolerate it. They went for long rides more than she liked, but I thought sailing eventually grew on her. It certainly did on my parents. They looked forward to being invited for a ride. The day of the accident changed everything. The idea of being in the middle of the ocean in any sort of vessel was a trigger not only for June but for all of us.
June leans forward. “Isn’t it enough that I attend Cain’s tournaments?”
I squeeze her hand. “It’s a start.”
Jack blows out a breath as if finally resigned to the decision. “Don’t let Aaron get wind of this.”
I huff out a laugh, and it’s contagious. In fact, I’m laughing so hard I have to wipe my eyes with a napkin. June and Jack aren’t too far behind. It feels good, like a release.
“What’s so funny?” Aaron asks as he pulls up a stool, and it only makes us laugh harder.