Chapter 64
“To truly love another person is to accept the work of loving them is worth the pain of losing them.”
—JAMIE, THE HAUNTING OF BLY MANOR
O nce back in the manor, Ramel and Shem insisted on helping me shower, despite the fact I suddenly felt so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. They tucked me into bed between the two of them, claiming that I needed to rest after such an intense game.
I drifted in and out of sleep, and I allowed myself to bask in the endorphins and the high that came with such a strong orgasm. However, the good feelings soon started to fade away, and I was left alone with my thoughts.
Doubt began to creep in. I had finally submitted to them, and I legitimately enjoyed the afternoon with my two demons… Now I felt guilty.
How sick and fucked up was I that I could enjoy being fucked by my captors? What the fuck was wrong with me?
As if sensing the shift in my mood, Ramel tilted my chin up to face him.
“What’s wrong, Lilith?” he asked. His voice was still rough and husky, and I felt another confusing wave of affection and guilt wash over me. My body felt safe and satisfied, but my mind was sending alarm bells clanging through me. He was a monster… but he was also my lover and my savior .
I shivered and wrapped my arms around my naked chest. Shem curled up behind me and draped one of his arms across my waist.
“What happened, sweetheart? You were fine a minute ago, and now you seem upset.” He buried his face into my hair and inhaled. “You’re shaking. Are you cold?”
They both tucked me deeper into the covers, each of them pressing up on either side of me and frowning down at me with concern.
“Talk to us, Lilith,” Ramel whispered, touching my chin.
“It’s nothing, I just feel sad. Like I’m mourning the loss of the person I used to be before I came here,” I whispered. The words surprised me, but I knew in my heart they were true.
Today had been a turning point. I knew tomorrow I wouldn’t be plotting to run. I wouldn’t be fighting them anymore. It was futile and useless to try, so why bother? Part of me was relieved. Things would likely be much simpler and less painful if I just stopped fighting. However, I couldn’t help but feel like accepting my fate here meant killing a part of myself that I hadn’t known existed. The part of me that was human. After my birthday, I would never be mortal again.
Ramel’s frown deepened, and he gave me a gentle kiss on the corner of my mouth. “It’s okay to like it, Lilith. I know you have some voice in your head telling you that all this is wrong and that you’re fucked up for wanting this, but it’s okay. I’ve told you before, we’re meant to be together.”
Shem twisted a piece of my hair on my other side.
“It’s also okay to mourn the loss of the person you were before, but you should also be celebrating the birth of this new version of you.” He touched my chin gently, turning my head to look at him.
“You’re going to come into your own, and you’re going to see how perfect you are. How perfect you’ve always been.”
“I just don’t want to lose who I am,” I whispered, my voice cracking.
“You won’t,” Ramel promised. He sat up and tugged on my collar. “Let’s take this off.”
My eyes widened, and my heart leapt.
They were taking the collar off?
Ramel chuckled and leaned in, kissing me softly, as Shem jumped up to get the key for the lock that had hung from my throat since my first night here.
“Don’t look so surprised, deathtrap. We told you that if you submitted, you would be given free range of the manor. You kept up your end of the deal.”
I couldn’t keep myself from grinning. Sure, it was fucked up that I had needed to earn the privilege to wander the manor alone, but who fucking cared?
Shem pulled on a pair of black sweats before crawling back on the bed with the key. He unclipped the lock, and Ramel unthreaded the leather from the buckle, tossing the collar to the side with a smirk .
“How does that feel?” he asked, and I beamed at him, rubbing my hand over the bare skin of my neck. It felt almost strange now to not have the thick leather strap around my throat.
Strange, but good.
“Amazing,” I breathed, and both he and Shem smiled. Ramel got up and slid into his clothes before pulling together a clean outfit for me. He leaned against one of the bed posts and watched me get dressed with an amused look in his eye.
“So, tell me. Where is the first place you’re going to visit with your newfound freedom?”
Shem strolled over to the chessboard by the window and flopped down in one of the chairs, stretching out with a satisfied grin on his face.
“Ten bucks says she goes to the library first,” he chuckled, and I cut him a look, though it was playful.
“You don’t know that! I might go to the kitchens. I haven’t cooked in forever,” I mused out loud, and both Ramel and Shem exchanged a glance.
“Well, if you make anything good, make sure you bring some back for us.” Ramel smirked, and I nodded excitedly in my leggings and an oversized cable knit sweater.
“Obviously.” I grinned. Ramel reached out and grabbed a fistful of my sweater, pulling me into him for a kiss before releasing me. I turned to leave when he cleared his throat.
“Just a couple rules before you go,” he said, and I bit back a groan, spinning back around to face him. I rolled my eyes, and he growled.
“Watch it, deathtrap. This is a privilege. I will not hesitate to put that collar back on you if you start to act up.”
“Okay, okay,” I sighed, flopping down on the bed. “What are the rules?”
“If a door is locked, it means that you are not welcome.”
I raised an eyebrow, immediately interested. It was like telling someone not to push a button. Of course I now wanted to go find all the locked doors to see what was behind them. He narrowed his eyes on me.
“I’m serious, Lilith. Promise me you won’t go snooping in places you don’t belong.”
I batted my eyes at him. “I thought you said I belong here. Shouldn’t that mean I get access to all of Hell’s secrets?” I knew I was pushing him, and for a moment I worried he was going to just slap the collar back on me and say forget it, but the corner of his mouth twitched up instead.
“You can see what’s behind all the locked doors after Samhain. Right now, you’re too fragile, and I’ve gone through a great deal of effort to human-proof the manor for you so you can have some freedom.” He brushed my hair over my shoulder and cupped the side of my newly bare neck. “Promise me.”
I nodded. “Fine. I promise. No locked doors. ”
He nodded, kissing the tip of my nose. “Good girl. Next rule : no going outside alone. If you want to go outside, let Shem or I know, and we’ll take you.”
I bit my lip, forcing myself to bite my tongue. So much for freedom. It didn’t feel very free if I had to have an escort the whole damn time.
“Third and final rule: you’re to be back in the room by six each night for dinner.”
I scoffed. “I have a curfew ?”
His lip twitched again, but he nodded. “If you want to call it that, yes.”
“Tell her what happens if she’s late.” I glanced over at Shem, who was still shirtless, playing a game of chess against himself.
“You’ll get one spanking for every minute you’re late.”
I rolled my eyes. “Naturally.”
They both gave me saccharine grins, and I sighed. “What about the no-touching rule?” I asked, wondering if I was allowed to try and make friends.
Ramel’s jaw clenched, but Shem cleared his throat. They looked at each other in a way that meant they were silently communicating. Finally, Ramel turned back to me and softened.
“That rule is officially lifted. You can touch other demons without risk. However, there will be no kissing, fucking, hugging, or anything else that I deem inappropriate. Keep it friendly, or people will start losing limbs.”
I nodded, feeling my eyes widen. This was big. I was allowed to touch and talk to other people outside the two of them? I could try and make friends! I leapt up from the bed and wrapped my arms around Ramel’s neck, planting a firm kiss on his mouth. He stiffened in surprise before folding his arms around my waist and kissing me back. To my shock, he kept it brief and chaste before pulling away and smiling down at me.
“Thank you,” I said softly, and he slapped my ass playfully before releasing me.
“You earned it. Now get out of here before I come to my senses and tie you up again.” He sounded like he was kidding, but I wasn’t about to push my luck, so with a squeal, I turned on my heel and darted out the door.
“Don’t forget! Back here by six! That’s in two hours!” Ramel called after me.
“Yeah, yeah! I heard you!” I shouted back over my shoulder before peeling off down the hall. I didn’t care where I was headed. I just loved that I was allowed to go in any direction I wanted.