Chapter 75
“The world needs bad men. We keep the other bad men from the door.”
—RUST COHLE, TRUE DETECTIVE
L ilith fell asleep curled against my chest. Even after her lashes fluttered closed and her breathing settled, I found I couldn’t stop tracing slow, gentle circles over the soft cotton of her T-shirt.
I inhaled her scent... death and carnations. Nothing had ever smelled so sweet. As I lay next to her, counting the freckles dusted across her perfect nose, I couldn’t understand how I had ever hated her.
When I found her sitting in a pool of her own blood, I had been so afraid that I wondered if it were possible for a demon to die from terror.
I was Death. I couldn’t fucking die — but still — for a split second, so much pain and anguish had coursed through my veins that I truly wondered if I would recover.
The way she had looked at me, her moss green gaze blank, as if I were already looking into the eyes of her corpse.
When I rushed to her side, the first thing she assumed was that I was going to punish her. She might as well have stabbed me with the bloody blade she was clutching so desperately.
I knew, logically, that her assumption made sense. I hadn’t ever given her a reason to believe I would do otherwise. But she was so broken, and there was so much fucking blood .
She had punished herself enough. I could barely string my thoughts together, let alone think about hurting her further.
She blamed herself. She blamed herself for my actions, and I felt the chilling weight of regret settle deep in my bones. If I was being honest, the blame really lay with Yahweh, but I knew that would have sounded like an excuse. So, I had done the only thing I could think to alleviate the crippling guilt that she was manifesting in the form of self-harm.
I took responsibility. I took the blame and had her turn that blade on me instead. I didn’t regret it. The wounds on my chest had stopped bleeding, but they were still raw, and they would scar.
Good. I wanted them to scar. I should be punished for what I had done to the one person I should have been protecting. It didn’t seem fair for me to make it through this chapter of our story unmarked. So, each time she hesitated or tried to be gentle, I forced her hand to cut me deeper.
It seemed to have worked. I had pulled her back from the edge, and by the time I tucked her soft little body into bed, the light had returned to her eyes. I didn’t know how to go about earning her forgiveness, but tonight seemed like it might have at least been a start.
I stroked Lilith’s hair away from her sleeping face and pressed my lips against her forehead. I knew I needed to seek out Hazai and see if the idea seed worked. But despite my increasingly urgent need to destroy Yahweh, I couldn’t seem to leave her side. I couldn’t even look away. I wanted to stare at her forever, memorize every line of her face, count every freckle, and leave a wish on every fucking eyelash.
I had almost lost her. She could have fucking died just days away from reclaiming her immortality. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, forcing down the crippling wave of anxiety that rolled through me at the thought.
“Don’t you fucking leave me, deathtrap,” I whispered into her sleeping ear, “I just finally found you again.”
Someone cleared their throat in the doorway. My entire body tensed in irritation. Who was stupid enough to come to our fucking bedroom?
Slowly, so as not to disturb Lilith, I turned to face the door. I found Jezebel standing there, wringing her hands together anxiously.
“How is she?” she asked, biting her crimson lip.
The anger that had been simmering in my chest rolled to a boil at the sight of her. She was to blame for the fresh cuts on Lilith’s skin. She was the reason I had nearly lost my fucking wife just days before she ascended into her power.
Before I knew what I was doing, I was out of bed and had thrown Jezebel out of the bedroom by the throat.
I shut the now-cracked door behind me, doing my best to control myself enough to close it quietly .
Jezebel was attempting to recover from her fall as I stalked toward her. Rot bloomed beneath my feet with each step.
“How fucking dare you disturb us here?” I snarled at her, seeing red. She glared at me and tried to get to her feet, but I cuffed her around the throat again and slammed her against the wall. “Do you know what your actions nearly cost us!? She could have died!”
My rage was bleeding out of me in veins of decay. Putrid webs of rot crept across the black marble floor and infected the perfect ivory of Jezebel’s throat. However, she didn’t cower. Instead, she met my gaze head-on and barely flinched; her brown eyes burned with something close to indignation.
“I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to tell her about Mike!” she protested, though her voice was strained due to the press of my hand.
“I don’t want to hear your fucking excuses,” I snapped. “Your idiocy is not a valid justification for your actions. Use your head. You knew she worked with him at Voodoo. How did you think that news was going to make her feel?”
“Sorry, Ramel, I’m not used to tiptoeing around fucking human feelings, unlike you, ” she hissed back, and her insolence only caused me to tighten my grip around her neck.
“Do you have something to say, Jez?” I snarled. I knew what she was implying. I just wanted to hear her say it so I would have an excuse to rip her fucking head off.
During the thousand years I had spent without my memories, Jezebel had sought a place in my bed more than once. Shemhazai always encouraged me to deny her, telling me there was no point in getting involved with a demon. I hadn’t really questioned it at the time, but now I understood why. Becoming entangled with another immortal would have made things complicated if and when Lilith was returned to us.
It was better to keep things casual and temporary. With the exception of Shem’s odd fling with Art, the two of us had kept our sexual escapades to humans for the most part.
Hazai had always told me to treat sex like a need.
‘It’s no different than how humans need to eat to survive,’ he had explained to me after Yahweh had fished me out of purgatory. ‘Treat the human world like a grocery store. Pluck whatever little snack you need to appease your appetite, and clean up your mess when you’re done. Getting involved with immortals just complicates things.’ He had rolled his eyes and gestured to Art, who had been smirking at him from across the dining room. ‘See? Look how clingy that asshole is. Now that he’s had a taste of my cock, I can’t seem to get rid of him.’ Though the tilt on his lips betrayed the callousness of his words. It was clear he liked Art lusting after him in some capacity.
Regardless, I didn’t have any desire to get romantically entangled with one of our kind. Ripping souls away from mortals and fucking the odd human when I felt the need arise had been more than enough to keep me satisfied. As a result, Jezebel’s advances had always been rejected, and I had never been more grateful to Hazai. Explaining to Lilith that I had fucked the demon she was building a budding friendship with would have been a fucking nightmare.
Jezebel closed her eyes and took a deep breath as if trying to calm her own anger. Finally, she looked at me, her entire demeanor softening, and she genuinely appeared to be filled with remorse.
“I’m sorry, okay? I feel terrible. You’re right, I wasn’t thinking. Lilith is my friend. Or I think we’re becoming friends, at least. I came here to see if she was okay or if there was anything I could do to help.”
Her apology did nothing to assuage my rage. She had put Lilith’s life at risk, and that was enough for me to want to take a scepter to her skull.
“Of course she’s not fucking okay,” I snarled, moving in so close our noses were nearly touching. “You are friends because I have allowed it. Give me one reason why I should allow you to continue to see her after this.”
Jezebel narrowed her eyes at me. “You really want to forbid her from seeing me? That girl is desperate for company, Ramel. You’ve robbed her of friends her entire life. Are you really going to take this away from her over a stupid mistake ?”
Her words stung. She was right. I knew she was, but it didn’t make me want to kill her any less. I wanted to belt her down on a gurney next to Rafael in the dungeons for what she had done, but I had just promised Lilith I wouldn’t hurt anyone she cared about without her permission.
Remembering the hollow emptiness that haunted her eyes when I found her curled up in a hot pool of crimson, I couldn’t bring myself to break that promise.
I snarled and released Jezebel. She stumbled but managed to remain upright. She rubbed her neck, wincing slightly as she straightened.
“You’re fucking lucky,” I spat at her. She scowled but didn’t say anything.
“What’s going on here?” Hazai’s voice floated down the hall. Both Jezebel and I turned to find him approaching us with a concerned look on his face. His green eyes took in the rot beneath my feet and the wounds on my chest as he approached. Glancing at Jezebel, he raised an eyebrow.
“If you were smart, you would get back to work, Jezebel,” he purred. His tone was light, but if you knew him, the threat was clear. I had seen him cut through bone with that same smirk on his face. He wasn’t happy with her either.
She glared at us both but turned on her heel and obeyed. Hazai slid his hands into his pockets, and we watched her stalk away, both of us waiting until she was out of earshot to speak.
When I was sure she was gone, I turned to find Hazai eyeing me warily.
“I’m surprised you didn’t hurt her more than that,” he commented, his voice bland. I shrugged, rolling my head on my shoulders and cracking my neck in irritation.
“I promised Lilith I wouldn’t hurt any more people she cares about.”
Hazai raised an eyebrow in surprise. “Really? That bad?” he asked, concern flickering across his face. I nodded darkly, jerking my head toward the door to our room.
“Come see for yourself,” I muttered and led him into the bedroom.
Thankfully, Lilith was still sleeping soundly. The pool of blood by the dresser was where I had left it, congealing into a dark brown stain. I knelt down and picked up a small cardboard box that Lilith must have dropped and pulled out a tiny silver spoon with the words ‘Best Chef’ engraved on it. I frowned, twirling the spoon between my fingers, wondering what its significance was.
“Shit,” Hazai breathed, looking at the puddle of blood. “Is this all hers?” There was a strain in his voice as if he was trying to keep himself from showing too much emotion.
I shook my head. “No. Some of it is mine.” I gestured to my cut-up chest and explained what had happened.
“Fuck’s sake. Aetherium is no joke, Ram. What were you thinking, giving her that blade?” I felt my lip curl in anger.
“I was trying to give her the means to protect herself. If something happens to us before Samhain, she’s fucking defenseless,” I snapped quietly, glancing back at my sleeping wife. She looked so innocent and vulnerable. She had pulled one of the many pillows close to her chest and curled herself around it in her sleep. My heart cracked at the sight, and suddenly, I wanted to be that pillow. If she needed to hold onto something, I wanted that something to be me.
“What do you think this is? It was on the ground next to her when I came in and found her carving up her legs.” I handed the silver spoon to Hazai, and he examined it carefully.
“Well, this is depressing as fuck. No wonder she went off the deep end,” he muttered, holding the spoon up to the firelight to read the engraving. “She ordered this the night she came home with that brownie Mike had given her. You know, the night before you fucking killed Sam and ripped the small shred of happiness she had finally managed to find away from her… I think it was supposed to be a thank you to Mike for his little gesture.”
A growl rumbled in my chest. It wasn’t like Hazai to make me feel like shit for the choices I made, even if they were justified. I glanced down at the alarmingly large pool of congealing blood on the floor and decided to let it go. He was clearly upset that Lilith had harmed herself and was looking for someone to blame.
I supposed I deserved it on some level. However, it wasn’t uncommon for us to torment humans. I couldn’t count the number of times I had returned to Hell from some mission to find that Hazai had chained several humans up for us to play with. We were fucking demons. It was what we did. I hadn’t known who she was. If I had, I never would have hurt her like that .
“I feel like shit enough as it is without you fucking rubbing it in, Shemhazai,” I growled, and he gave me a hard look. We glared at each other for a long moment before his shoulders relaxed, and he finally softened.
“I know, I’m sorry. I’m just… this could have been really bad.”
“I know,” I said, running my hand angrily through my hair. “I don’t even know if I would have been able to stop her soul from leaving her body if she had nicked an artery with that blade. I’ve never been so fucking terrified.”
I hadn’t even been that afraid when she had stepped into Yahweh’s bowl of purgatory. At least there had been the hope of getting her out. I didn’t know what would have happened if she had managed to kill herself with that blade. Would I have been able to reincarnate her? I shook my head in an attempt to dislodge the uncomfortable thoughts.
“What happened with Rafael?” I asked, hoping the change in topic would distract me.
A small smile curled on Hazai’s lips, though it didn’t reach his eyes. I couldn’t help but notice he kept glancing back and forth from the pool of blood on the ground to Lilith’s sleeping form.
“The seed worked. I have to say, watching Rafael saw off his own cock is one of my top five highlights for the year. It was fucking epic.”
I smirked. His cock would grow back, of course, but going dickless for any amount of time wasn’t exactly something any male wished to endure.
Shem chuckled. “Art nearly puked when I tossed it in the bucket. It was gnarly.”
“I wish I could have been there to see it.” I laughed softly. “Is Raf back in his cell?”
“Yeah, he passed out from the pain once he severed it. It was easy to get him back in there.” Hazai glanced at me, a familiar glint of mischief in his eyes. “I’m going to round up a small group of demons to plant seeds in the general managers of all the Voodoo locations.” He glanced over at Lilith, the amusement draining from his eyes. “Once I have our little army set up, I need to check on some things for the feast. Hopefully, Lilith is feeling well enough to attend.”
Her birthday was technically the day after tomorrow. She had been born at midnight, so she would be coming into her power after the Samhain feast. I wasn’t experienced with situations like this, so I had no idea how long it would take for her to mentally recover from what she had just gone through.
“I hope so,” I murmured, frowning at her sleeping form.
“Keep an eye on her. I’ll take care of everything else,” Shem said, and I nodded at him gratefully. He snapped his fingers, and the pool of blood disappeared.
“I’m going to mount her little spoon on the wall in the kitchen. Tell her she can visit it whenever she’s missing him,” Shem said, slipping it into his pocket and heading for the door. He paused on his way out and looked back at me, his green eyes flashing with something that looked suspiciously like remorse .
“I’m sorry for making you feel guilty earlier, Ram. You know I didn’t mean that. It’s not your fault, it’s Yahweh’s, and we’re going to make Him fucking pay for everything He’s done to her. Done to us, ” Shem promised, and I nodded at him.
He was my best fucking friend. I didn’t know what I ever did to deserve a friend like him, but I was grateful every day that we had found each other.
“Thanks, Hazai. I’ll take care of her. Keep me updated on how things go with Voodoo.”
He grinned at me. “Obviously, asshole,” he quipped before disappearing out the door and down the hall.