Chapter 76
“I’m the thing that monsters have nightmares about.”
—BUFFY SUMMERS, BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
I looked up into the face of God, and He smiled at me, His ever-changing mouth filled with teeth nearly as white as the blinding abyss He called ‘Heaven.’
‘Lilith. It has been a long time.’ His tone was gentle and kind. He spoke to me as if I were a friend or a favored cousin.
I couldn’t answer. Panic coursed through me as I realized that I seemed to be frozen in place. I attempted to move but found my hands were bound by a curious golden noose.
‘Apologies for the extra precautions; you have proven to be more… difficult than I had originally anticipated.’ Yahweh’s voice sounded full of remorse as if tying me up were a regrettable but necessary endeavor.
I blinked against the brightness. After weeks in Hell, the blinding white of Heaven was too much, and I was having trouble making out my surroundings.
As my eyes adjusted, I realized we seemed to be surrounded by an endless army of angels. Their messy bodies, composed of eyes and wings, hovered silently above the misty clouds that made up Yahweh’s kingdom. I was kneeling before a pit filled with shining golden gears.
Clink, grind, whrrrlll.
Clink, grind, whrrrlll.
Clink, grind, whrrrlll.
The machine chugged away in the echoing silence. I wanted to ask why I was here. I wanted to ask what His plan for me was, but I couldn’t speak or move. All I could do was wait with the burn of a million angel eyes raking over my flesh, leaving little fiery trails of shame in their wake.
‘I brought you here to show you what happens when you defy me, Lilith,’ Yahweh whispered. He snapped His fingers, and Mike appeared, bound like I was, with his hands behind his back.
He met my gaze, and I felt my mouth drop open in shock.
“Lil,” he grunted, his gray eyes filled with worry. “I’m sorry I let yah down.”
I struggled against my restraints, suddenly desperate to get to him. He was only a few short feet away. I wanted to tell him how grateful I was that he had tried to help me, but I wished that he hadn’t. I wanted to tell him about the spoon I had gotten him but never had the chance to give him. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was that he had gotten tangled up in my mess.
My mouth opened, but my words were bound, and no sound left my lips as I tried to scream Mike’s name.
Without warning, Yahweh manifested a golden scepter and slammed it across Mike’s skull. Blood exploded from his temple, and black ink splattered across my face.
I screamed silently as Yahweh brought the scepter down again and again. He continued to bludgeon the angel long after it was clear he had been unmade.
I quivered helplessly as Mike’s lifeless eyes stared up at me from where he had fallen into the clouds.
A deafening silence echoed so loudly in the aftermath of his unmaking that even the soft rustle of angel wings was enough to make me cringe.
‘Mike was only the beginning, Lilith,’ Yahweh assured me, His voice filled with calm promise. He waved one of His ever-changing hands, and suddenly, it was Shem’s bloody face staring lifelessly back at me. Then Jezebel’s, then Art’s, then finally, Ramel’s.
My heart stopped as my gaze fell upon Ramel’s empty hazel eyes. They were filled with inky tears from the magic of the scepter. Grief raged through me, and I couldn’t bear the sight of his beautiful corpse. I felt as if a part of me had died with him, and I knew I would never be whole again.
I screamed and screamed, enraged that my vocal cords seemed incapable of producing sound.
Yahweh smiled and knelt down before me, running His thumb gently over my forehead in the sign of the cross.
‘There will be no saving them now, Lilith. I just wanted you to know that before I take them from you. Peace be with you.’
He snapped His fingers, and I woke up.
Alexa, play, ‘Skin and Bones’ by David Kushner
Someone was screaming.
Strong hands wrapped around my arms and held me still. I thrashed against the pressure of a body as it rolled on top of mine, my spine bowing as I fought through the overwhelming panic that gripped me to the marrow of my bones. My eyes flew open, and my gaze slammed into the hazel eyes that I had feared would stare into nothingness for eternity.
These eyes weren’t dead; they were alive and filled with a burning terror.
“Lilith, shhh, shhh. You’re alright. I’ve got you. It was a dream; you were dreaming.” Ramel soothed me, holding me firmly beneath him on what I quickly realized was our bed.
I choked on a sob, which interrupted the incessant screaming. It took me a moment to realize that I had been the one yelling.
“Ramel…” Hot tears slid down my cheeks, and his gaze bore into mine, concern etched into every line on his face. I choked on another breath and shuddered beneath the firm, comforting grip of his hands. “You’re alive,” I whispered, and he frowned.
“Of course I am,” he replied, kissing my tear-stained cheek. “I’m right here.”
“I thought he… Yahweh — I thought he killed you.”
His eyebrows flew up in surprise at my words. “You had a dream that Yahweh unmade me?” He kept his voice low and gentle. I nodded, closing my eyes, only to open them again when I was immediately plagued by visions of Ramel’s lifeless body sprawled out before me.
Ramel was staring at me with an expression I didn’t understand. “I’m going to let your arms go,” he said softly. “Try to stay calm, I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”
I nodded, understanding now why he was holding me down. I must have been thrashing in my sleep.
He released me and slid to lie by my side. I immediately missed the pressure of his body against me. I needed to feel his skin on mine. I needed to feel like he was really here. His presence was already erasing the terror I felt when I woke up believing Yahweh had just unmade him in front of me.
“Don’t leave me,” I whimpered, reaching for him. He froze as I slid my hands up his chest, my fingers hesitating briefly over the fresh wounds we had carved into his flesh. Being careful so as not to reopen the newly formed scabs, I wrapped my arms around his neck. Burying my face into his shoulder, I breathed in his scent and shuddered through another sob .
Gently, as if I were made of glass, he wrapped his arms around my waist and tugged me in close to him. He placed a firm kiss on the top of my head and rubbed delicate circles across my back.
“I could never leave you, Lilith,” he promised, “not even if you wanted me to.”
My next sob morphed into a choked laugh at his words.
Wasn’t that the truth.
“Stalker,” I joked, and I felt him smile against my forehead.
“You like it.”
“You wish.”
“I do,” he agreed, the humor fading from his tone. If I didn’t know any better, I would say he almost sounded sad.
I pulled back enough to look at him, and he brushed his thumb across my cheek, collecting one of my tears. He licked the tear off his thumb and then dropped a tiny kiss on my nose.
“I’m scared,” I admitted to him, and for a moment, he looked angry, though I knew the anger wasn’t for me. It was for the god that had frightened me.
“I won’t let anything happen to you, Lilith. I would die before I allowed Him to hurt you.”
“I know,” I whispered. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”
He wrapped a large hand around my jaw, looking at me as if he were worried I would suddenly disappear from his arms.
“The world would spin on without me, Lilith,” he said softly. “But without you, there would be nothing. You must promise me that no matter what, you will stay in Hell where it is safe. Even if Shem or I are taken. Without you, we are doomed.”
“I can’t promise that.” Visions of Shem’s and Ramel’s faces splattered with blood and ink swam through my mind.
I couldn’t lose them… they were all I had.
They say there is a fine line between love and hate. I realized now, looking up into Ramel’s perfect face, that somewhere along the way, he had managed to cross that line. I no longer hated him, though I knew I should.
It had taken Yahweh’s threat to open my eyes. I could no longer imagine what sort of a life I could live without him or Shem, and I would do whatever I could to make sure they didn’t meet the same fate as Mike.
“I refuse to lose anyone else,” I murmured. “Especially you.” I reached up and ran my fingers gently down the side of his stubbled cheek. His eyes filled with a pained longing for a moment, but when he blinked, it was gone.
“I love you, Lilith,” he breathed, staring at me so intently I could feel his gaze burn a path along my skin. “You don’t need to say it back. I just need you to know that I do, and I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe.”
He kissed me, and I closed my eyes, allowing the warmth of his kiss to chase away the image of his lifeless face .
I couldn’t tell him that I loved him, but I could give him this. So I opened for him and gave myself to him in a way I never had before. I didn’t just submit to him but invited him in.
Sliding my hands down, I traced each slice across his bare chest, marveling how my touch pebbled his tattooed skin. I allowed my hands to travel lower, fully giving myself over to him as his tongue traced the seam of my lips. I moaned into his mouth as my hand wrapped around his hard length, squeezing him softly in my fist.
Suddenly, he broke the kiss and cuffed his fingers around my wrist, pulling my hand back up and away from his waistband.
“You don’t have to do this,” he said, though his voice was rough, and the hard swell of his cock told me he very much wanted me to.
I felt my eyes widen at his words.
I didn’t have to? Since when ?
He clearly understood the confusion in my gaze, and his brow creased in concern. His eyes flit down my body to rest on my thighs where the bandages he had wrapped around my legs lay beneath the soft cotton of my pants.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” his voice cracked. “Not anymore.”
I could see the internal war that was raging within him painted plainly on his face. He was fighting his true nature with every ounce of self-control he had. For the first time since I had met him, he was trying to put my needs first. But I needed this. I needed him.
“I need you to distract me,” I whispered. The memories of his hollow eyes and broken skull swimming just beneath the surface of my mind. I was worried that if I didn’t find a way to forget, the memories of that dream would be tattooed on my psyche so permanently I would somehow manifest them into reality. He searched my eyes as if trying to convince himself that I meant what I had said.
“Please,” I begged, and he nodded, leaning forward to kiss me again. His lips were gentle, and I pressed into him, wrapping my hand around his neck and pulling him closer.
He kissed me back, but he was hesitant. He barely allowed his tongue to enter my mouth, and when he did, his strokes were soft and careful. As if he were afraid to be too rough.
It wasn’t enough.
I wanted more .
I tugged my wrist out of his grasp, and he let me. I frowned, annoyed that he had let me go.
Breaking the kiss, I pulled back, staring at him in frustration. “I need more than this,” I breathed. He pursed his lips, but his chest was heaving as if he were doing everything he could to hold himself back.
“Lilith,” he growled, looking like he was in physical pain at my request .
“This isn’t you,” I whispered, nudging my wrist back into his hand and closing his fingers around it, showing him that I wanted him to restrain me.
The war inside his head was so loud I could nearly hear his thoughts. I knew this wasn’t enough for him either. He wanted to rip off my clothes and tie me down. He wanted to bite me so hard I screamed and force me to come until I begged him to stop. He wanted to fuck me until I forgot my own name, but I had scared him, and now he was worried I might break.
“I’m trying to be what you need,” he said softly, and I placed a gentle kiss on his cheek.
“Right now, I need you to be you. Stop treating me like I’m going to disintegrate if you touch me. I need you to chase the nightmares away.”
Something possessive and angry flashed across his face at my words, and I knew I had successfully broken down his resolve. His fist tightened around my wrist, and before I knew what was happening, he had violently flipped me onto my front. Wrapping a hand around the back of my neck, he forced my head down into the pillows. Straddling my ass, he leaned forward, putting his mouth next to my ear.
“I am the only fucking nightmare in your life, Lilith,” he snarled. I heard the clink of metal as he snatched up the ever-present manacles attached to the bed. My core throbbed in anticipation as he snapped the restraints around each one of my wrists. I gasped as he tore off my sweatpants, exposing me to the cool air of the room.
He let out a deep rumbling groan as he ran his hands over the backs of my legs, his calluses catching slightly on the bandages that still wrapped around my upper thighs.
“Arch your back,” he ordered. When I didn’t move fast enough, he growled and curled his hands around my hips. He tugged my ass into the air and spread me open before him.
I yelped in shock as I felt him run his scorching hot tongue from my clit to my ass. He circled it between my cheeks, and I jerked away from him, uncomfortable with the fact that he had his tongue in such an intimate place.
He growled and tightened his hold on my hips, forcing me to stay still as he continued to lick and tease the tight rim of muscle before pulling back and massaging it with his finger.
“You asked for this, deathtrap,” he reminded me, and I cried out as he pressed his index finger in, penetrating me. The dark mix of pleasure and pain sent a rush of wetness to my cunt, and I found myself spreading my knees wider and pressing back into him.
He chuckled, the sound of his voice sending shivers down my spine.
“Does my little deathtrap like that?” His voice was rough with arousal, and I gasped as I felt him slowly insert another finger. A keening mewl escaped my throat at the new sensation, and Ramel made a calming sound in the back of his throat .
“Shh. You’re fine. Just relax,” he soothed, slowly pulling his fingers out before pressing them gently back in. “We’re going to get you all stretched out so I can fit my cock in this tight little hole.”
A hot wetness joined his fingers, and I knew he had spit on me to help lubricate the area in preparation for what was to come.
“Ramel, you’re too big, you’re not going to fit,” I whimpered, pulling on the restraints. He chuckled softly as he continued to slide his fingers in and out of me.
“We’ll make it fit, Lilith. I’m going to fill you up so much, there won’t be room for anything else.” He slid the hand that wasn’t buried deep in my ass between my legs to cup my pussy. I moaned and pressed further back into him.
“ Fuck, ” he bit out. “Always so wet for me.”
With flat fingers, he began to rub tight circles over my clit while he continued to slide his fingers in and out of my ass. I whimpered as a fire started to build between my thighs; the sweet pain from the anal was somehow making the pleasure he was drawing from my cunt all the more powerful.
“Come for me, deathtrap. It’ll help you relax,” he murmured as he increased the pace of the circles he was drawing on my clit. I was panting. There were too many sensations all at once. My mind couldn’t separate what was pain and what was pleasure. An electrifying thrill of euphoria began in the marrow of my bones and slowly spread through me, igniting the very cells that made up my flesh and blood. I let out a few short, breathy gasps, and Ramel growled at the sound.
“That’s it, Lilith. Come on my fingers,” he murmured, and I instantly fell over the edge. I screamed my release just as he removed his fingers from both my cunt and my ass. I whimpered in protest, but he immediately slammed his cock into my pussy, pumping in and out several times to get it wet with my cum before positioning the tip of himself against my asshole.
“Tilt your hips up for me, deathtrap,” he ordered, pressing himself against me. Without waiting for me to comply, he pushed past the tight seal he had already loosened with his fingers. I screamed at the heady mixture of ecstasy and pain as he slid in deeper, making soothing sounds again as he slowly fed me his cock, inch by inch.
“It hurts,” I sobbed, but I pressed back into it.
Ramel fed me another inch. “I know. You’re taking it so well though. We’re almost there; just relax,” he soothed, and I forced myself not to tense up. He groaned as he slid in the last few inches, his own breathing now labored.
“I love the feeling of your tight little ass gripping my cock, Lilith,” he groaned, and I whimpered, wiggling my ass back into his hips to show him that I loved it too.
Once he was sheathed inside me to the hilt, he wrapped his hand back around my hips to strum my now overly sensitive clit. I gasped, feeling my ass clench around his cock at the contact. He let out a deep groan, threading his other hand through my hair and jerking my head back .
“I’m going to fuck this little asshole until I come. Are you going to be a good girl and take it for me?”
I nodded furiously, and he growled in approval.
“Who do you belong to, Lilith?” he asked, and I let out a choked sob, rocking my hips against his fingers, desperate for him to rub them against me again.
“You. I belong to you.”
“That’s right. You belong to me, and I won’t tolerate any other nightmares haunting what’s mine,” he whispered in my ear.
Then, he began to move. I shuddered as he slid out of me, the sensation driving me wild. With each stroke of his cock, he matched it with a tight circle around my clit. Soon, another orgasm was beginning to build. He held me on the edge of release, praising me every time I accepted another thrust.
“I can’t, please… I need to come.”
He rammed into me again, pressing more firmly down on my clit as he did so.
“You’ll come when I tell you to,” he grunted, increasing his pace. As he slammed deeper, I felt him tense as he fought off his own release.
“Please…” I tried to plead with him. I was so close, and I could feel him so deep, but he knew just how to dangle me off the edge without letting me fall.
“Beg all you want Lilith but you will wait for my command.”
I bit down on the pillow and let out a muffled scream, and he slightly adjusted his position, thrusting in and out of me at a steady, punishing pace. The burn was agonizing and sweet all at the same time. It spread through my body like wildfire, and it took everything in me to keep myself from falling apart.
“Good girl, Lilith. You’re doing so well. Do you think you’ve earned it?” he asked roughly, swirling his fingers over my slick clit as he ground deeper into my ass.
“Yes,” I sobbed. “Please, I’ve been good.”
I knew he was smirking, even though I couldn’t see his face. He gave me two more quick thrusts before finally giving me permission to do what I so desperately craved.
“Okay, Lilith. You may come now.”
I felt as his cock began to pulse inside me. My own climax followed, and my whole body throbbed with the orgasm. My clit, my cunt, my ass, all of me rolled with the seemingly endless wave of pleasure he was coaxing out of me.
For one shining moment of pure ecstasy, my mind went blank and still. Everything fell away, and I was at peace. Ramel had successfully chased away the nightmares.
Finally, he collapsed on top of me, leaving wet kisses across my shoulders and up my neck. He lay there for several breaths until our breathing slowed, and our heart rates returned to normal. After a long moment, he pulled out of me and unchained my wrists, curling me tenderly into his chest.
‘I love you.’
His words hung in the air around us. It wasn’t clear if he had whispered them or sent them to my mind, but his body burned against me, and I whimpered, allowing myself to melt deeper into his embrace. He rocked me gently as he held me, and although he had successfully chased away the darkness from my nightmare, his words unnerved me.
His declaration felt more like an omen than a promise. It might have been comforting if it weren’t for the solemn fact that everyone who had ever bothered to love me was dead.