Chapter 5
“The silence depressed me. It wasn't the silence of silence. It was my own silence.”
Brooks
Ready To Frighten An Introvert With Conversation
“Hey, man,” I said as I entered the classroom. “Happy fucking Thursday.”
I offered Tilian a big smile and hoped he’d return it. He sort of did, but it was obvious that I was freaking him out.
Maybe he was always like that. The guy was hot in that nervous and doesn’t know he’s cute kind of way.
“Hi,” he replied before he dropped his eyes to the textbook on his desk. It wasn’t the one for this class, but I wasn’t going to question his life.
“Day two. You ready to rock this shit?”
“Uh, sure.”
“Nah, you’re gonna chill and be invisible.”
God, he looked so scared. I bit my lip in an effort not to smile too much. I worried he’d think I was making fun of him. Maybe he was just squirrely because he was high. I could smell it faintly and it didn’t seem like he gave a shit about that, which I respected. I wouldn’t be able to walk into class like that. It wasn’t the right image to project and all that jazz.
“I’m screwing with you,” I noted as I sat down. “You’re fun to mess with.”
He laughed nervously and ran a hand through his hair. It was long enough to brush his cheekbones and with its body, it tended to fall forward often, even when he tried to push it back. There was a pale, golden sheen to it that was beautiful, especially when the sun shone on it yesterday.
I wasn’t generally into light-haired men, but maybe that was part of my problem. Tall, dark and handsome hadn’t done me any favors in the past.
The boy next door vibe worked for Kai. I wouldn’t necessarily label Tilian as that, but he was attractive in a way that was both adorable and subtly hot, which matched his entire vibe. He thought he could go through life without being noticed. It probably worked, but now I was here, noticing him. It was what I did best.
When he met my eyes, I got a good glimpse of his blue ones for the first time. Against the paleness of his skin and hair, they stood out remarkably.
He’d barely looked at me when we met in the stands. Well, not when I was looking at him. He was inconspicuous about it, stealing glances when he thought I wouldn’t notice. The dude was gay as a daffodil- RIP Freddie- and I didn’t think he hid it; he just didn’t talk to people.
I leaned toward his desk and rested my elbows on it. His eyes widened, then he pulled his lip between his teeth.
Mm. I had a better term for him. Subtly sexy.
Blatantly, I let my eyes roam over him. He was lean with a waist that I imagined would look fantastic while he sported a crop top, like Will Smith in the nineties. He was both pretty and masculine, even though some would claim that his black nails negated that, but they were outdated dipshits.
If I ventured a guess, he was probably just under six feet tall. His timid nature made him seem smaller, but he had a nice physique and this close, if I moved past the scent of weed, he smelled like cedarwood. Simple and hot, even if overplayed.
“We should be friends.”
He hadn’t blinked for a while and it didn’t look like he was going to any time soon. “We should?”
“Unless you don’t want to.”
“I do,” he blurted quickly.
My lips pulled upward of their own accord. Before I could freak him out more by calling him cute, someone dropped into the seat on the other side of him.
Ah, it was my difficult pal who refused to answer my messages, even though he read every single one of them .
Tilian turned to look at him. “Oh, hey.”
Dean smiled in a way that I didn’t know existed in his arsenal of expressions.
“Hey, Tilian. How’s it going?”
“Fine, I guess. Oh.”
He held up a finger before he dug in his bag. The thing was a mess with no folders, just papers shoved inside. That should be a crime. He pulled out what I easily recognized as a dab pen and passed it to him. Dean’s smile widened and he squeezed Tilian’s shoulder.
“You’re the best. I’ll send you some money.”
“Yeah, whenever. I’m not too worried about it.”
“Remember when I said to be more assertive? Don’t let people walk on you, man. I’ll kick their asses.”
Tilian brushed his fingers through his hair again. I was intrigued by this relationship. It was sort of surprising now that I’d met Tilian. They seemed easygoing together and since he showed up on Dean’s Insta once in a while, they hung out.
Speaking of… Dean seemed to have just noticed that I was here, leaning on Tilian’s desk. His expression returned to that stoic one he’d blessed me with during the entire plane ride. I smirked and winked at him before I sat back in my seat and pulled out my notebook.
Mr. Pritchard stood from his desk. He looked tired. It was the end of the first week of class, so I imagined he needed the weekend desperately. Teachers definitely deserved better pay to deal with all of our shit. They were literally helping to shape the future.
I noticed Tilian stealing more glances at me throughout the class, but I tried to ignore it so that I could pay attention. Even though I’d earned my two-year degree while in high school, it was still hard to come in here as a junior, and I couldn’t start slipping.
Perfection was the only option in the Elrod house. I would not be the one to break that streak.
*****
Where Broke College Students Congregate
“When do you guys move into your place?” I asked as I twirled some shitty spaghetti around my fork. I didn’t need to eat the food the school offered, but it was a way to hang out with the guys, so I took one for the team. If I came in here with outside food all the time, West would definitely give me shit for it.
He was the one who groaned like he had the hardest life ever. “Next weekend. I’d rather die.”
“That can be arranged,” Kai said. He maintained eye contact while he brought a meatball to his mouth in a way that somehow spoke of a challenge.
“Alright, douche nugget. You should go check on that boyfriend who’s secretly living in your dorm.”
“It’s just for a couple weeks until we get into the place. What are they gonna do? Kick me out?”
“How’s he doing?” I asked.
It had been less than a week since they’d gotten back from Maine. They missed the first couple days of classes since there was some debacle involving Kai’s car, West being a thief, and Sen’s family deserving a cell in the underworld. It was a whole thing.
All of us knew about Sen’s history with conversion therapy and the deal his dad made with him over the holidays. He was supposed to keep his sexuality a secret and, in turn, his relationship with Kai. He went home for Christmas but didn’t last two days before things went to shit. Now, for all intents and purposes, he had no family- at least, not connected by blood. The one he’d found here was infinitely better, but the couple of times I’d seen him this week, I could identify the pain in his eyes that he tried to hide.
“He’s okay,” Kai replied, then he shook his head. “Not okay, but he will be. He had his first appointment with a therapist on Wednesday.”
“That’s good. I don’t think it’ll ever be easy, but he’ll get better. Plus, he has, like, the best boyfriend on the planet.”
The way Kai tried to stop himself from smiling was pretty adorable. He really was god-tier. Early in the school year, I’d cut myself off from considering anything romantic with him because I’d been seeing Sadie. I was glad for our current dynamic anyway. He and Sen were the definition of soulmates.
West was noticeably quiet and when I followed his gaze, I saw the senior quarterback, Lincoln Porter, talking to some people across the cafeteria. He was hot as hell, but they had some weird feud going on. Too bad because Lincoln was gay and I had a feeling he was a nurturer like Kai, but I wouldn’t pursue anything there either because my friend hated him.
The dating pool was really damn thin these days.
“Stop,” Kai scolded, nudging West’s shoulder with his. “He’s not bothering you, so stop glaring at him.”
“His existence bothers me,” West returned.
Dear god. That was something I didn’t want to get in the middle of.
Or did I? Meddle, meddle, meddle. It should have been my middle name. Maybe he’d be at their housewarming party next weekend and I could officially introduce myself.
Lincoln greeted Dean with the typical bro hug and they started talking. Both of them had smiles on their faces. He seemed to look happy and carefree with everyone but me.
I was going to get him to cave one of these days. Why? Because it was entertaining and I couldn’t leave well enough alone. He was also friends with Tilian. He was definitely the type who would feel really awkward if two of his friends were enemies. It would be like me trying to get close to Lincoln, which could cause major strain in my relationship with West.
Brooks Elrod would not go quietly into the night.
“So, this party,” I drawled, turning back to West and Kai. “Do I have to bring a gift?”
“No,” Kai said at the same moment that West said, “Yes.”
They narrowed their eyes at each other. I ate a sad meatball and waited.
“You have more money than God,” West pointed out. “I demand a gift.”
“Nobody else is being told to bring a gift,” Kai countered before he let out an exasperated breath.
“Maybe they should be. We don’t have shit to put in the apartment.”
“We’ll figure it out. Our school money will drop soon and we can get some cheap shit.”
West made a noncommittal noise, then demolished the rest of his food. The journey they were about to embark on was going to be interesting, that was for sure.
*****
A Way Too Expensive Pity Party of One
Did you ever just want to scream? But that wasn’t socially acceptable. It wasn’t becoming of someone like me. It would make me look bad. It would make them look bad.
Sometimes, it felt like I was painting on a different face when I left the house. Presentation was everything. My professors could write me letters of recommendation for law school, so I had to be perfect at all times in any place they might see me.
It would be a lot easier if I was able to just morph into this person I was supposed to be. Being aggressively self-aware was a bane all its own. It was worse when I was alone like this. I was stuck here with only the company of my own mind. I hated it.
Maybe that was part of why I tried to make so many friends. Every relationship we had gave us something a little different. Even the love of our life couldn’t give us everything we needed to be happy. It just wasn’t humanly possible. I had all these friends, though, and I was still spending my time alone in this damn apartment that was too big for one person. Why did I even have two bedrooms? Pointless.
What was I missing? I had no idea. If I dug really deep, I might decide it was just a me thing. Some holes couldn’t be filled by other people.
Well… No, none of that. Sex was just another way for me to feel better about myself and to forget who I was as an actual person.
It was probably this new pen I got at the dispensary- using my fake ID, of course. There was one place that didn’t actually scan them, which worked well for me. Whatever the girl recommended, it had me in my head.
“Fuck,” I muttered as I sunk lower into the couch.
Even with this giant place and the crazy view I had, I felt sort of empty sometimes. That was insane and ridiculous. Millions of people had actual problems, yet here I was feeling sorry for myself while surrounded by nice shit.
I took another hit from my pen, even though it was probably a bad idea. Maybe I should invite someone over. None of my friends felt right in this moment, though. They knew me, although it wasn’t all that deep. I didn’t really let them see inside of me and I popped in whenever I pleased. They found it endearing, I guess.
No expectations. That was what I needed. I didn’t want someone to make me feel better or help me put on a brave face. I just wanted company and to forget about my own issues without having to talk about them.
Maybe I just needed a nap to shut off my brain for a little while.