Chapter 7
Tilian
Oh, god. I was going to throw up.
Brooks, easily the hottest guy to ever hit on me, invited me to sit with him at the game. Well, he probably wasn’t hitting on me. He was obviously a flirt in general. Every time I saw him, he was talking to someone. He was friends with the freaking quarterback and that guy, Kai. They were both otherworldly.
In layman’s terms, he and his friends were so far out of my league that I might as well have been in another galaxy.
I looked at my hand while I walked toward the field. Did he touch everyone like that, as if it was no big deal? My stomach had been trying to claw its way free of my body at the time. I needed some of that molly I had at the Halloween party. It made me more open. Although, it nearly got me beaten up by Kai, so it probably wasn’t a good idea.
Someone glared at me as they passed. I maintained eye contact while I brought the joint to my mouth. I hated judgy people. We weren’t allowed to smoke on campus, but anybody who mattered was already at the game. They’d probably just give me a warning anyway. If they kicked every student out for smoking weed, they’d lose half of them.
I should’ve gotten here earlier, but the idea of waiting for Brooks was worse than coming late. Now, though, I had no idea where to start. He told me which row he’d be in, but it was hard to study the numbers when people were going up and down the stairs, flailing their arms, and just being generally chaotic. It was so loud that I couldn’t think.
Who liked this shit?
After I flicked the burned out joint into a trash bin, I took a deep breath and headed into the mayhem. It wasn’t too hard to find the row, but I didn’t know which section he was in. There were multiple sets of stairs that separated them. Unless I was going to go up and down each one, I’d never find him.
Pulling out my phone, I leaned against the railing.
Tilian: Not sure where u are and this is kind of a lot…
Brooks: Don’t back out. I’ll cry. Where are you?
Tilian: Bottom of the stands.
He read it, but he didn’t respond, so I put the phone away and gripped the railing behind me. It felt like people were looking at me, but I knew they weren’t. There were too many more interesting things going on for them to care. I just had to keep telling myself that.
Yeah, I didn’t want to do this. Nope. There wasn’t enough weed or Xanax in the world for this.
I turned and started walking toward the exit. Brooks would understand. Maybe. I had no idea, actually.
A hand latched onto mine and pulled me to a stop. Someone got really close to me from behind and I felt breath on my ear.
“Hey, I’ve got you. Come on.”
I gripped Brooks’ hand and let him lead me. While he walked, I glanced at the side of his face, then at our interlocked hands. Was I going to throw up before? Now, it felt the same, but I was also elated. I didn’t want to let go, so when we reached our seats, I held onto him tighter. He didn’t make an effort to pull away, which just made my heart race faster.
When I saw that Kai’s boyfriend, Sen, was with us, I felt a little awkward. He offered me a smile, though.
“Hey, I’m Sen.”
“Tilian. Uh, you probably shouldn’t talk to me. Your man hates me.”
He laughed lightly. It was clear why I’d tried to hit on him on Halloween. He was super attractive, but in a different way than the others. There was this sweet undertone to everything about him.
“Don’t worry about Kai,” he said. “It was a bad night when we met. If Brooks likes you, you’re good people.”
“Cool.” I smiled at him, then sat down. Brooks slipped his hand from mine and I felt a little bummed about it, but then he put his arm around my shoulders. When he dipped his head to say something in my ear, I nearly died from the proximity.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
His thumb grazed the side of my neck. “You’re squirrely.”
“It’s my resting state.”
“Are you uncomfortable?”
“No. Just anxiety. There are a lot of people. It’s why I smoke so much.”
“A better reason than most of us.”
“Why do you?”
He chuckled. “Silencing the demons? I don’t know. Not to just fuck around and eat food, although that’s not bad either.”
“We should, uh, smoke some time,” I ventured.
“Sure. I wouldn’t mind.”
Was that a good answer? Brooks was hard to read. His responses were different than most people. It seemed like he said whatever came into his head, but I didn’t think that was exactly the case. He struck me as far from impulsive. Organized chaos came to mind.
I shifted my attention to the field. The players had come out at some point after he’d grabbed me. I understood football, but I wasn’t into it. If I was by myself, I definitely wouldn’t be here to watch.
“West is playing the whole game,” Brooks told me. “The freshman quarterback.”
“Oh, that’s cool. What about the other guy?”
“Sprained his ankle, I guess.”
“That’s good for your friend, at least.”
“Definitely is.”
The first play started and Brooks removed his arm to lean forward. He rested his elbows on his knees while he kept his eyes on the field. Sen looked tense as he watched West grab the ball. He’d barely touched it when he got tackled hard. That shit looked like it hurt.
Both Brooks and Sen jumped to their feet. It was clear that West was injured, but he leapt up and waved everyone off. The two men beside me noticeably relaxed. I knew they were close, but it seemed like their very breath relied on their friend being okay.
While the second quarter played out, I sunk into my head. I tried to remember if there was anything I needed to do this weekend. My stepmom kept asking me to come home to see the family, but I wasn’t sure if I’d do that. It was only an hour drive. It felt like more, mainly because a day with them was equivalent to a week.
What are you doing at school, Tilian? Schoolwork. Do you have friends? Kind of. How are classes? They’re classes.
Good times.
Brooks suddenly grabbed onto my forearm with a bruising grip. When I looked up to see what was going on, I saw West on the ground. Kai ran over to him and dropped to his knees. Whatever had happened, it didn’t look good.
Gently, I removed Brooks’ fingers. He glanced at me briefly before he returned his attention to the field. West continued to play the rest of the quarter, then they moved to the locker room for half time.
“Think he’s okay?” Sen asked. He still looked really worried.
Brooks grimaced. “Yeah, I’m sure he is. Kai would kick his ass otherwise, right?”
“I guess. West is… West, though. Kai isn’t god.”
“I can’t believe you said that. Pretty sure he’s basically your god in a million ways.”
Sen noticeably flushed. “Fuck off.”
“Oh, come on. It’s Kai. We all know he has the vibes.”
“And what about you, Brooks? What are your vibes?”
“Whatever the situation calls for, buddy. You wouldn’t get it.”
“I’d get it. Maybe…”
Brooks cackled softly as he sat down. The rest of the game passed with casual conversation. West didn’t get fucked up as bad, but it was clear that he wasn’t doing well. In the last quarter, Kai took over, which seemed to worry the guys. When they won, though, Sen rushed down the steps to meet his boyfriend while Brooks watched fondly.
Suddenly, he wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me close. “Come on. We have a study session.”
Yeah. A study session sounded like a completely normal end to my day.
*****
I’d assumed that we would go to Brooks’ place, but he had me lead the way to my dorm. I didn’t know exactly what his deal was. What I did know, based on what I’d seen from him, was that he very likely lived somewhere nicer than I did. It would make sense to go there, but I was just going with the flow at this point.
“Dean says he’ll be here after he showers,” Brooks said before he dropped onto my bed. “Oliver is on his way.”
The room wasn’t messy, but it wasn’t up to par. If I’d known that he’d want to come here, I would’ve deep cleaned it. There were a couple of soda bottles on the nightstand and not all of my clothes had made it into the hamper. I tried to casually pick things up the best I could while he was distracted on his phone.
“So, what’s your guys’ deal?” he asked.
“We’re just casual friends, I guess. We smoke sometimes.”
“That’s cool. Is he grumpy with you too?”
“No.”
Brooks frowned. “Lame.”
“You slept with his girlfriend.”
Something flashed in his eyes that made me drop my gaze. “I didn’t know. When I found out, I never talked to her again.”
“I didn’t say you knew. It’s just what happened.”
“Mm. Well, Dean should choose better girlfriends.”
“You should sleep with better people.”
His expression lightened. “Yeah, I probably should. Are you spoken for?”
I swallowed hard. “Uh, no.”
“Why not?”
“I dunno. I’m not most people’s type.”
It was silent, so I looked at him. His lips were set in a tight line as he stared at the floor.
“Did I make it weird?” I joked.
“No, I just don’t like when people think they’re less than what they really are.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
When he got to his feet, he started to approach me. Instinctively, I backed up. He kept advancing and it seemed like my retreat made his eyes light up.
This must’ve been what it felt like to be stalked by a predator. I just didn’t know if it was better to escape or get caught. There was no way someone like him would be into me in any serious capacity.
Maybe he wanted an easy lay and figured I’d be starving for it. He wouldn’t be wrong, per se, but that was beside the point. While I was positive that it’d be great with him, I also didn’t like the idea of being discarded after.
My back hit the wall and I forgot how to draw in breath. I flattened my palms behind me while I watched him get closer. His hands boxed me in on either side and he regarded me so intently that I wanted to shrink until he could no longer see me.
“You know that you’re desirable, right?”
“I, uh… I…” Clearing my throat, I lifted my chin and hoped I didn’t seem as weak as I felt. “Maybe. I don’t know. I’m weird, I guess.”
“You’re different. I think it’s cute.”
“Why?”
His head cocked. “Would you believe me if I told you?” My expression must’ve betrayed me because his eyes narrowed.
It wasn’t that I didn’t know I was attractive. I was just aware that I wasn’t the guy who’d be a runner up on The Bachelor or something. I was average, which was fine with me.
When I was being stared at by Brooks, I felt fucking self-conscious. The way he studied things, not just me, betrayed how much he paid attention. I didn’t know if it was possible for someone to hide much from him.
“What would make you believe me?” he asked.
“Why does it matter?”
“Because we’re friends now.”
“We are?” I all but whispered.
“Yeah, and I don’t let my friends think negative things about themselves. You’re beautiful, Tilian, and you definitely do something for me. I’ll prove it.”
I didn’t get a chance to ask him how he intended to do that. He just… kissed me. Like it was the easiest thing in the world. Me? I was spiraling into a hell of my own creation: the realm of overthinking.
What did I last eat and could he taste it? Were my lips dry? I hadn’t been using enough ChapStick lately and the cold weather wasn’t great for them. Could he tell how inexperienced I was? I’d slept with four guys, but they weren’t long term things and I hadn’t kissed much outside of that. Actually, a couple of them didn’t even kiss me, which wasn’t the best experience.
“Get the fuck,” he murmured against my lips, “out of your head.”
With a jerky nod, I leaned further back against the wall. He gripped my hip bones, holding me in place. When his tongue tried to break through my lips, I parted them. The surge of desire I felt as he began to explore my mouth made me relax into him.
Tentatively, I brushed his lower lip with my tongue. A soft sound came from his throat. It woke up my dick with a quickness and emboldened me to reach up and put a hand on the side of his neck, pulling him closer to me. I wished his hair was down so that I could feel it between my fingers. It looked really soft.
When he sucked on my tongue, I was both shocked and exhilarated. He paused to feel my piercing, then did it again. I didn’t know that was a thing and if someone told me, I would’ve thought it was weird. It was far from it.
My dick was throbbing, apparently not caring that this was just a kiss. It was more intimate than anything I’d experienced. It was passionate and driven by a deep need that I didn’t know existed inside of me.
My hips moved forward, which made my dick brush his thigh. I gasped like some teenager who’d never been touched before. It was ridiculous, but if we kept doing this, it was very likely I would cum in my pants. That would be humiliating.
He said he was attracted to me and now I was starting to believe it. Being wanted by him made me feel more confident- hopeful, even.
Brooks chuckled and I felt the reverberation of it against my lips. Even though I wanted to hold on tighter, I released him when he pulled back.
“See?” He booped my nose. “Adorable. If you just put yourself out there a bit, you’ll have no trouble finding a nice man. Not too nice, though. You need a little bad in your life.”
There was a knock on the door, so he turned to open it, leaving me dumbfounded. We’d literally only had a few interactions with each other. It was stupid to entertain any ideas about me and him. That kiss had just felt real and for a minute, I sort of thought it was.
Oh, fuck me.