Chapter 19
“The world breaks everyone, and afterward,
many are strong at the broken places.”
Brooks
Ready to sell what’s left of my soul
She wanted me to meet with Ms. Whitlock again. Holly . As if I cared about her name or qualifications. She was the same as all the other people I met in this world. One day, she’d be one of my professors and she was the head of her department, so I guess it mattered, but trying to impress her made me feel nauseous.
While I was in her office the first time, I started to get uncomfortable. I’d shoved the feeling away and continued through the meeting without slipping. Today, as I made my way across campus, my gut twisted uncomfortably.
Seriously, what else was there to talk about? It was starting to resemble those dinners my parents would have with judges and other attorneys. Even if they had good relationships with them, they had to keep doing it over and over again because none of them actually liked each other. Everybody was a tool. Even my parents were pieces on a board and those with more power than them could wield them like sharpened swords to win their battles.
My mind shifted to the project we were working on for our sociology class. It felt good to explore something like that. The school’s mental health resources really weren’t as impressive as they liked to claim. It made me want to raise my concerns to the board or something. To demand better for the students. To demand justice .
That was what had been bothering me lately. What was just about defending corporations? Sure, there were false allegations and sue happy people, but they were few and far between, although they liked to convince you otherwise. The CEO who was accused of sexual harassment? Guilty the majority of the time. The employer who overworked their employee and was shorting their paycheck? Also guilty.
The thing about greed was that it was rampant and never fully sated. Power grew into a sickness that drove most people to want more of it. To get it, they’d do increasingly more fucked up things. And when it came to holding onto what they already had, they’d do worse.
Were my parents like that? I liked to think they weren’t as bad as a lot of these others, but what was I basing that on? You didn’t make their kind of money and defend the massive corporations they did without doing bad things. I knew that, but how far had they gone? Who were they willing to destroy in order to keep what they’d amassed?
They were questions I’d been asking myself since I left home, but I didn’t want to think about it. One day soon, I would work with them. Whatever shit came across my desk, I’d have to run with it. It didn’t really matter if a client was guilty. We were paid to represent them and do whatever was in our power to keep them in good standing.
As I approached Ms. Whitlock’s door, I swallowed back my nausea. I raised my hand to knock, then saw that it was shaking.
Fuck. I was being weak. I’d had these kinds of conversations countless times. Getting people like her in my pocket was as easy as breathing for me. I’d been raised to do it. Trained to do it.
I’d learned about Holly before I ever met with her. She didn’t make it a habit to sleep with students, but she’d done it quite a few times from what I’d heard. If she saw a benefit to it or knew that she could coerce someone who needed her favor, she named a price, and it almost made me turn around.
I heard the tap on the door, even though I didn’t consciously tell myself to knock. The handle depressed just before the door swung open. When I came face to face with her, I felt my stomach sour.
“Brooks,” she greeted with a saccharine smile.
I pasted one on in return, an automatic gesture I didn’t have to put thought into anymore. “Holly. I hope I’m not overstepping when I say that you look lovely today.”
She tucked her hair behind her ear. I knew she wasn’t nervous or shy. I made my move, she made hers. It went round and round.
“Come in,” she said.
When she turned around, I ran my tongue over my teeth. My mouth was dry. It probably would’ve been worse if I’d smoked, but now I was wishing I had.
The skirt she wore today ended above her knee. It was tighter than the last, outlining her figure- thin, perfectly sculpted to garner respect and, of course, draw the eyes of important men. It disgusted me. Today, I felt it more acutely.
Her shoes weren’t as plain as the last time I’d seen her. They were black with a strap that wrapped around her ankle in a way that highlighted the delicate curve of it. It was raining today, so the thin-strapped top with a plunging neckline was unlikely to be a coincidence.
On autopilot, I moved to the chair, but she touched my arm. “You can sit on the couch.”
My heart raced, not from an interest in what I knew was coming. It was a flight response, vicious and hard to resist. I sat anyway. She joined me and since it was a loveseat, she was close to me. When she leaned to the side a little, I was overwhelmed by her gardenia perfume.
I looked at her, keeping my expression neutral. The bright red lipstick she chose today was aggressive. It didn’t make me want to keep looking. Her lips didn’t make my mouth water. I wanted to wipe the color away to reveal the ugliness beneath.
“So, Brooks,” she said as she snaked her hand over the back of the couch.
My body tensed and I had to force my muscles to relax.
I knew this was a possibility. It always was. There was no honor among people like this. No decency or even dignity.
It was always okay with me. It was a necessary step toward a future. Connections made it easier to rise to the top. Plus, who didn’t like sex?
In this context, I didn’t. Sex was my escape. This felt like my hell.
I’d done it before. In high school, I slept with one of my teachers to get a better letter of recommendation than she’d ever written. I even fucked the principal so he wouldn’t tell my parents that he caught me smoking during lunch.
It was nothing.
Or maybe every time I did this, it took a piece of my soul, if I even had one of those. Maybe that was why I felt so fucking empty every day.
My parents didn’t know what I’d done. I can’t imagine they’d approve. They were good people and even though this shit was corrupt, they wouldn’t want me to sleep my way up the ranks.
Holly’s fingers brushed the back of my neck.
I had to choose.
Was it really a choice?
When had I earned the right to those?
With a small sigh, I turned to face her. Her lips curled upward in what was meant to be something seductive.
It made me want to throw up.
*****
All are cruel whose power is so newly won
I clutched the edge of the toilet tightly as I retched. There wasn’t much in my stomach to begin with since I’d barely eaten this morning. The impending meeting with Ms. Whitlock had my stomach fucked up from the moment I got out of bed. Now, it was worse.
My hands shook as I wiped my mouth. After I’d brushed my teeth, I adjusted my bun, making sure the strands were in place. I stopped, taking a moment to listen to the little rebel in my head, then I ripped the tie from my hair and let it fall over my shoulders.
After snapping a picture with my tongue out and holding up a peace sign, I sent it to Tilian. He responded so quickly that it was almost like he waited by his phone at all times.
Tilian: Is it weird if I say u look gorgeous? What’s the occasion?
Brooks: Viva la revolution?
Chaos?
Fuck it, it’s Friday?
Tilian: I’ll do you one better. Anarchy.
Brooks: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Feral.
Tilian: You’ve also said cute.
Brooks: Prove it in a court of law.
I was just about to search my fridge for something light to eat when my phone started buzzing. Tilian avoided phone calls like the plague, so I knew it wasn’t him.
It wasn’t like I hadn’t been expecting this one.
Consequences.
I tapped my earbud to connect it. “Yeah.”
“Brooks, what is going on?” my mom asked. Her voice was controlled, which didn’t mean she was calm. It could mean anything.
“Nothing. What’s going on with you?”
“You didn’t call me last night. I haven’t heard from you today. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Mom.”
“Good. Maybe you’ll tell me why Holly was being ambiguous when I asked her how your meeting went.”
I gripped the fridge handle tightly. “Couldn’t tell you.”
“Brooks. You’re always straight with us.”
“You don’t want me to tell you.”
“Of course I do. Did you offend her somehow?”
“If refusing to fuck her is offensive, then yeah, we’ll go with that.”
There was a long beat of silence. I used it to peruse the shelves. Nothing looked good. I was pretty sure if I put any of it in my stomach, I’d throw up again.
“She tried to sleep with you?” she asked in a pinched voice.
“Yeah.”
“Are you sure you didn’t read the situation wrong?”
I let out a clipped laugh, surprising myself. “No, Mom. I didn’t read it wrong. I’m not a child and I know what it means when a woman tries to pull my dick out of my pants.”
She made a surprised sound. “I… Shit.”
“It’s fine. I’ll work with someone else.”
“Brooks…” The way she trailed off left a knot in my stomach. “Holly is the head of the department. One word from her and you could go into the program without the approval of most of the faculty.”
“Guess I’ll have to work extra hard. That does still matter, you know.”
“Sure, but that doesn’t guarantee your spot and it doesn’t exactly look good for you or us.”
I dropped my forehead against the stainless steel. “You cannot possibly be suggesting that I sleep with her.”
“Maybe.”
“She’s fucking forty-three!”
“Control your tone, Brooks.”
“What does Dad think?”
“I don’t know. He’s at the office.”
“Fucking hell. I don’t want to do that, Mom. It’s disgusting you’d even be on board.”
“Don’t pretend that I don’t know how much you sleep around. You’re not afraid of putting yourself out there.”
“This is coercion! I’m not gonna be whored out for some pointless game of greed.”
“It’s not a game.”
“It is and you’re smart enough to know it.”
“Look, it’s your choice and if you’re truly that uncomfortable with it, then stick with your decision. It’s your future, baby, and it’s up to you how you pursue it.”
Unexpected tears pricked my eyes. I shouldn’t have been reacting this strongly. She was right. It was nothing, but I felt fucking dirty for even considering it.
I craved the peace I’d felt the other day with Tilian. Pushing him away fucking killed me, but what else was I going to do? If I had to do shit like this, I couldn’t be anything to him except a friend.
“I love you, Brooks.”
Without answering, I ended the call. Her name appeared on the screen again, so I threw the phone across the room. It hit the glass and broke on impact. Pieces slid across the wood floor, a direct reflection of what I felt like inside.
I dropped my elbows to the counter and gripped my hair. My scalp burned from the way I tugged on it, but the pain didn’t help.
Turning around, I flung open the cabinet and grabbed a plate. I sent it soaring in the same direction as the phone. The sound of it shattering gave me a split second of satisfaction before the emptiness returned.
So, I did it again. And again. When I ran out of plates, I moved on to cups. They made a higher pitched sound when they burst. The pieces that littered the floor turned it into a minefield, only leaving me a path to the bedrooms or the front door.
The overwhelming urge to see Tilian overcame me. I felt ashamed of the idea. He shouldn’t see me like this. Nobody should.
I turned the knob to my bedroom and stepped inside. The lights were off and it was silent. It was like every other time I’d wandered around this place. Cold. Empty. Dead.
As I headed to my bed, I couldn’t rid myself of the disgusting feeling under my skin.
Because I knew what I’d be doing on Monday. I knew I’d have to carve out another piece of myself and sacrifice it to some ideal vision of my future. I had to dangle myself over a pit filled with frothing mouths and gnashing teeth, the same people who masqueraded as respectable humans. All the while, they were devourers of men, manipulators of the last remnants of good that lived within someone before they started to twist themselves into those same vile creatures.
One day, I’d be like my mom. Maybe I’d be like Holly. If I attained power, would I be so desperate to keep it that I preyed on those beneath me? How grotesque would I become at the behest of something that held no inherent value?
That was why I couldn’t have Tilian. I couldn’t make him promises about some ideal future, no matter how much I’d been thinking about it lately. I was a vile, empty thing, and he deserved the world.
I opened my nightstand drawer and stared at the needle. It wouldn’t be enough right now and I didn’t want the marks to be fresh when I saw Holly again. Instead, I grabbed a bottle of sleeping pills and took a couple of them before I laid down on my stomach, burying my face in the pillow.
Before, my eyes had been brimming with tears. Now, they were dry. Empty. I didn’t feel a single thing as I drifted to sleep, but I saw blue eyes. Maybe I could see him one time before the inevitable happened.