Chapter 20
Tilian
I didn’t like to skate all that much, but my little brother did. If I got on the ice, I could stay on my feet and fuck around, but that was the extent of it. Unless I was dragged to a rink by someone else, I wouldn’t just go for a leisurely skating session.
Since I hadn’t been visiting my family enough, according to them, they’d decided to surprise me at school. Imagine my immense fucking shock when I opened the door, freshly high off one of Brooks’ devilish dab pens, and I came face to face with my dad, stepmom, brother, and sister. I was only glad it wasn’t flower this time, so it didn’t reek of weed in there. They were none the wiser.
“Watch out for the people!” I called.
Alex grinned at me over his shoulder, but he made a more obvious effort not to run into anyone. I offered a smile to the couple he’d almost knocked on their asses. They didn’t seem pressed about it. Probably because my brother was adorable and full of an infectious type of energy. Everybody loved him.
I sped up as much as I could without risking all of my teeth. When he slowed near the edge, I came up on him fast. My arms wrapped around his middle and I lifted him, then let myself coast around the bend. He laughed and elbowed me in the ribs, so I put him down.
Alex was about to turn thirteen, but he was pretty small. It was hard to remember that he wasn’t a kid anymore. He was the youngest of the three of us. I was twenty-one and my sister, Violet, was eighteen. Now that we were together, I could recognize that I missed them. The experience was bound to wear on me some, but our relationship wasn’t as strained as it used to be.
I returned to the side and exited the rink. There was sweat dripping down my temple and I needed a minute to catch my breath.
“Til,” Miranda, my stepmom, called as she waved me over.
Despite not wanting to be dragged into conversation, I sat beside her. She hugged me and when she pulled back, I could see the slightest shimmer in her dark eyes.
Even though she and my dad had only been married for five years, we were all pretty close with her. I didn’t call her mom, namely because I was fourteen when they started dating, so my attachment to her was a little different than my siblings. We interacted more like she was my aunt or something.
“You didn’t return my call last week,” she scolded, trying to look stern.
“Sorry. I told you to text me.”
“It’s too much back and forth when I want to catch up.”
“Yeah, but I don’t like talking on the phone.”
“Even for your family?”
I rolled my eyes and breathed a laugh. “Well, you’re here now, so it’s not required.”
“I wish you’d visit more. It’s not very far.”
“Sorry,” I mumbled. “I just get caught up in school and stuff. It slips my mind.”
It was partly true. There was this disconnect that happened when I didn’t see them for a while. Out of sight, out of mind in a way. It was also draining to be around family, even though our relationship was okay. Being around most people was that way, actually.
I ran a hand through my hair. Her eyes caught on my nails and her lips pursed for the slightest moment.
“That’s a nice color,” she noted.
I looked at the matte purple polish I’d painted on them this morning. “Thanks.”
“Any new friends? Boyfriend?” She nudged me with her elbow playfully.
“Uh…”
“You have a boyfriend?” Alex asked from a few feet away.
“I didn’t-”
“Tell me what he’s like,” he interrupted.
I was about to set them straight when I saw someone walk out of the kitchen. His dirty blonde hair fell a little over his forehead but didn’t hide the way his brow was pinched. Sen strode quickly to the back and disappeared into a closet. Something about him seemed off. We’d gotten to know each other a little better when we went ax throwing and we even texted sometimes.
“I’ll be right back.”
After tugging off my skates, I slipped on my sneakers and headed toward the back. The door was cracked, which was enough for me to hear heavy breaths. I didn’t think Kai was working today, so I doubted it was anything raunchy. Plus, his expression wasn’t some pre-sex excitement. It was pain.
I gripped the side of the door and started to pull it open. There was a loud bang that made me flinch. When I stepped inside, I found Sen with his back against the wall and his hands in his hair, gripping it tightly at the roots. He slid down and brought his knees up just as a heart-wrenching sob tore from his chest.
Without a word, I moved closer and knelt in front of him. When I touched his leg, he jerked away.
“Oh. It’s you,” he said. He wiped his face and tried to compose himself but gave up after a minute. “Shit. Sorry.”
“Don’t be. What’s going on?”
“It’s fine.”
“I might not be as perceptive as Kai or Brooks, but I know that’s a lie.”
He sighed, then it turned into another full body sob. I just waited, unsure what to do. It felt like he should be allowed a minute to work through his feelings. I wasn’t a touchy person and I didn’t think he’d appreciate a hug anyway. When he began to breathe a little easier, he loosened his grip on his hair but kept his hands there.
“Did Kai do something?” I asked.
He released a choked laugh. “No. Kai’s fucking perfect.”
“Is it a stressful work day? Did a little girl throw her Dippin’ Dots at you?”
“No, it’s just… life, I guess. Sometimes, it’s too much in my head. It’s just too fucking much.”
“If you want to talk about it, I’ve been told I’m a good listener. It’s usually because I don’t know what to say, but still.”
He regarded me for a minute, chewing on his lip the entire time. “Me and my parents had a falling out over winter break. Well, before that too. There’s a lot of shit that happened. Suffice it to say, they don’t want me to be gay. So much so that they disowned me for it.”
“It’s their loss. Is it fixable?”
His nostrils flared as he shook his head. “I’m starting to wonder if I don’t want it to be. The longer I’m away from it all and I build a life with Kai, the more I resent them. I don’t want to, but they’ve done worse to me. They’ve put this goddamn voice in my head that, no matter what, makes me feel guilty for being happy with Kai. Like it’s wrong, even though I know it isn’t.”
After chewing on my lip, I took both of his hands. “My parents weren’t happy when I came out. They were never hateful of gay people, but my dad is a pastor and he was always of the mindset that they were sinners, but God would forgive them because they couldn’t change it.”
“Are they still upset about it?”
“No. Our relationship is okay, but I don’t think we’ll ever be inseparably close or anything. What we have works and they’re supportive of me. Things have changed a lot, but it wasn’t just me. My brother, Alex, was born a female. He started voicing his feelings about it when he was five. That was a lot harder for them. Our mom left.”
His eyes widened. “Because of your brother?”
“Things had been really tense at home for a few years. She had her own issues and I think they were only staying together because of us. It must’ve been too much for her. We haven’t heard from her since.”
“That’s horrible.”
“It is what it is. At a certain point, I was tired of seeing how depressed Alex was because of that and it was worse because our dad wouldn’t accept him as he was.”
“What happened?”
“I went off on him. Threw some bible verses in his face, then followed it up with a bunch of research. I even found some pastors online who were supportive of transgender people to show him that he was allowed to change his views without betraying the major points of his beliefs. It didn’t get better for a while, but my stepmom, who was part of our church, used to be my mom’s best friend. Miranda came over often after she left and even though she wasn’t sure how to feel about me and Alex at first, she helped all of us just by being there. She started to become a motherly figure. Things gradually changed, especially after they started dating. It’s not perfect,” I added quickly. “There are still things that I can tell they feel uncomfortable about.” I looked at my nails with a shrug.
“I’m sorry you guys went through that.”
I shook my head. “That’s not why I’m telling you. My parents have a gay son and a trans son. For a long time, I thought our family would be broken, but they came around in the ways they’re able to. They try. They don’t want us to change and if anyone is disrespectful, they’ll tell them to fuck off in the most Christian way possible. You’ll never find them at a pride parade, but they’re still proud of us as people. If your parents can’t make the slightest effort, then they don’t deserve you. It’s still gonna hurt, but claim it, you know?”
The look in his eyes was a little less despondent. I wished I could do more for him, but all I had was my measly outlook.
“I feel bad,” he said softly. “I keep telling Kai I’m okay. I’m lying to him.”
“I don’t think you have an obligation to share the parts of you that hurt. Even with those you love. Don’t hide from him, but there are some things you have to work out inside yourself. And when you’ve done some of that, you can share the journey with him. I’m sure he’ll be proud.”
“You know, Tilian, there’s a lot more to you than I thought.”
“Bet you thought I was just a stoner who hit on random dudes at parties.”
He laughed. “No, that has nothing to do with it. You’re just quiet a lot of the time. It’s easy to forget that people like you can have a lot more to them if someone cares to look. You’re like an iceberg.”
Humming thoughtfully, I got up and offered him a hand. When he was on his feet, he leaned back against the wall, looking exhausted.
I pulled out my phone now that it was quiet and I felt a little awkward. My lips twitched when I saw a text from Brooks.
Brooks: What are you doing? If you say smoking, I’m going to hide all of your weed. There’s more to life.
Tilian: Fuck u. I’m out.
Brooks: Of weed?
Tilian: God, no. Out in the world.
Brooks: *Gasp* He leaves the house without being forced?
Tilian: I was kinda forced. My family showed up.
Brooks: Oh, shit. Are we happy or mad about this?
Tilian: Fine is valid. We’re skating.
Brooks: Do I get an invite?
I bit my lip as I contemplated the question. Brooks meeting my family wasn’t an idea that sparked joy. Being around him did, though. It wasn’t like we were anything more than friends, so it wouldn’t be weird.
Would it?
“You should invite him,” Sen said. “Sorry. I’m nosey.”
“I don’t know.”
“You like him.”
“It’s that obvious, huh?”
He shrugged. “Brooks is likable and he has a quality that draws people to him. He’s always looking at you too. You two would be cute.”
“He doesn’t want to be in a relationship.”
“And you?”
“I’m not actively looking,” I replied slowly. “Casual isn’t something I’m opposed to if we could still keep our friendship, but things seem complicated and he’s just… impossible to open up.”
“Well, I’m the last person who could advise you on that. Me and Kai moved in together after dating for three months, so we were obviously never casual. What I do know is that Brooks has more going on in his head than he’ll tell anyone about. If you’re gonna go into it, do it without expecting that he’ll ever give you more. Once you figure out if you’re okay with that, you can decide what you want to do.”
“That’s actually good advice.”
“You gave me some first.”
“A quid pro quo,” I noted with a smile. “I don’t say this about a lot of people, but I like you. You’re easy to talk to.”
“Thanks. Hopefully, next time isn’t so fucking depressing.”
We left the closet, then went our separate ways. I watched him go back into the kitchen, then pulled out my phone to find that Brooks had texted me again.
Brooks: I’ve never felt so rejected in my life.
JK if that wasn’t obvious.
Tilian: Do u like skating?
Brooks: Like is a strong word.
Tilian: Well, u like me, so u should come .
Shit, I was gonna die. I hit send before I could overthink it, then watched the bubbles like my life depended on it. Answer, answer, answer.
It had been too long.
Mistakes were made.
When it vibrated, I nearly dropped it.
Brooks: OK bet. Anything I need to know about your family so I don’t embarrass you?
Tilian: U won’t
Brooks: You don’t know that lol
Tilian: Ur too perfect to embarrass me. See u soon.
I slipped the phone into my pocket. It was going to stay there for the rest of the day. Hopefully, he wouldn’t think what I said was weird and back out.