Chapter 22
Tilian
I wasn’t surprised that Brooks was exciting and fun at the rink. He raced Alex, only beating him one time, which I was pretty sure had been orchestrated. It looked like he’d been holding himself back until that point. My brother was smiling and laughing, so I found it hard to be upset with Brooks, even though I was.
I knew he didn’t want a relationship. That was fine with me. It was the way he kept going back and forth. He was hot and cold, up and down. I wanted to understand him, but that felt like a dangerous game if I was going to keep things casual.
Casual might not be an option anymore. He’d kissed me even more viciously than he had in my room. Then, he completely disconnected. I didn’t know what he wanted.
Should I just stop trying? If he didn’t want anything beyond sex, it seemed dumb to pursue him when he was obviously trying to keep me at arm’s length.
It would be best if I let that part of our relationship fizzle out. Realistically, it was no skin off my back. He was just one guy. Even though I was incredibly attracted to him, physically and emotionally, I was okay with just being platonic. I was used to it anyway.
“I like him,” Miranda said, scooting closer on the bench.
“He’s just a friend.”’
“You look at him like more.”
“Doesn’t matter. I could like him, but I’d rather be his friend.”
I watched him laugh at something Violet said. That goddamn smile was so bright. It was freer than I sometimes saw from him. It was as if he held himself back a lot of the time. Why was he always putting on a front?
“I think he likes you,” she went on.
“Can we not talk about boys?”
She made a disgruntled sound. “Fine. You’re coming to Alex’s birthday party, right?”
“Of course.”
“I just wanted to make sure. You haven’t been visiting when we ask.”
Trying not to frown, I looked at her. “I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better.”
“You’ll let us know if you’re struggling, won’t you? I know college can be stressful and some of your friends aren’t there anymore. I hate the idea of you spending so much of your time alone.”
“I’m okay. Promise.”
“Good. Feel free to bring Brooks to the party.”
“Miranda,” I groaned.
“Okay, okay. You have another friend you told me about a while ago. What about him?”
“Dean. We’re chill, but he’s not the type of friend I’d bring to my brother’s birthday. We just hang out and…” I quickly diverted and tried to think of something else to say. “Do homework.”
She laughed lightly. “I’m sure I don’t want to know.”
My dad ventured out onto the ice slowly. He was actually decent at skating, probably because it was one of the things we often did for our birthdays over the years, which was the only reason I could stay on my feet.
Brooks slid up to the edge and grabbed onto it, locking eyes with me. His tongue traced across his lips, then he smiled and jerked his chin toward the ice. With a groan, I got to my feet and hobbled over.
He latched onto my hand and pulled me toward the middle. Once we were there, I quickly disentangled our fingers and tried to think of something else to do with them. Instead of doing some awkward shit, I started to casually skate across the rink. Alex looked at me and waggled his eyebrows, so I threw up my middle finger.
“Til,” Dad scolded.
With a grimace, I started to skate backward. I bumped into someone and as soon as his hands landed on my waist to steady me, I pushed forward to escape his hold. He came around to coast in front of me with a frown.
“Can’t we have fun?” he asked.
“We are.”
“It seems like you’re trying to keep as far away from me as possible.”
“I’m meeting you where you’re at, Brooks. Friends. That’s what you want, so let’s do that, okay?”
He shrugged before he smiled again, more forced this time. “Cool. Just don’t act like I have the plague or something.”
He held out his hand and I swallowed hard. Brooks was the most confusing person I’d ever met. I was torn between wanting to crack open his head and staying far away from whatever was in there. He was playing a game at all times, but I didn’t know what the point was.
When I took his hand, I was struck with fear. It wasn’t because I knew that I’d started to develop feelings for him. It wasn’t even his obvious internal battle.
No, I was afraid that I was already getting lost in his game, regardless of the barriers I was trying to put up. I had no idea what waited at the finish line- if I even made it that far. Would I lose something along the way? My sanity, maybe.
But, looking at the spark in his eyes right now, I couldn’t imagine protecting myself from him if it meant I never got to see that again.
I was quite possibly in over my head.
*****
Sundays were the worst. A lot of people thought it was Mondays, but my body fought relaxing because it knew I’d be back in classes the next day. I’d think about all of the things I needed to do before the weekend was over and then start freaking out about them.
I had a class at eight AM on Monday and Wednesday, which should have been considered a crime against humanity, but it was the only time available for one of my required courses. So, I knew that I had to be in bed by a decent time tonight. That made me even more stressed about everything on my plate.
It didn’t help that my parents were still here. They wanted to go to lunch before they headed home. I didn’t mind, but I was ready for some time to myself.
I yawned as I made my way through the courtyard toward the parking lot. The cherry blossoms hadn’t bloomed yet, but when spring came around in another month or so, this place would be beautiful. It was my favorite time of year, not too hot or cold and there was still plenty of rain to break up the monotony.
When my phone buzzed, I pulled it out and kept walking.
Sen: You seen Brooks?
Tilian: Not today. Why?
Sen: Apparently, Kai’s tried to text him a bunch for a week, and he hasn’t responded. I told him that I saw him yesterday, but he’s still worried.
Did he seem off to you?
Tilian: Hard to tell.
Sen: Yeah, I know what you mean. He’s just been distant from us. Wondering if something is going on.
Tilian: Don’t know. Ask Dean. They’re friends too.
Sen: Since when?
Tilian: Not long.
Sen: Hm. He’s being fucking weird. Let me know if you see him?
Tilian: Sure.
I considered texting Brooks but decided against it for now. His other friendships weren’t really my business and I was sure he’d just been busy. He was taking three classes and it was about that time in the semester when the workload began to increase. I could always talk to him in class on Tuesday.
Worrying about him wasn’t on my agenda today. I had homework to finish after my parents left. Speaking of…
Tilian: Wanna study tonight?
Dean: Sorry, I’m going out.
Tilian: Ooh. Date?
Dean: Lol. Not even close. Just going with Brooks. Do you wanna come?
I wouldn’t deny that it was tempting. We were all friends. It was some weird, wonky circle, and the dynamic was still ambiguous. I hadn’t been invited until now, though, and I wasn’t going to let myself contemplate if that was intentional on Brooks’ part. I also didn’t want to just show up and seem desperate to be around him.
I wasn’t.
In fact, I was trying to keep some distance.
Tilian: Nah, I really do need to do hw. Have fun.
Dean: It could go either way. Let’s hang this week.
Tilian: For sure.
When I reached my car, I pushed everything else out of my head. I wanted to have a good time at lunch with my family. I’d even avoided smoking today because I was a saint.
In a few weeks, I’d be heading home for Alex’s birthday, so I needed to harass him about what he wanted for a gift. Probably something ridiculous. I was the same way at twelve, so I couldn’t blame him.